Soft kitty, warm kitty, demon ball of fur.

You know I hate cats.

Actually, scratch that.  Cats hate me.

Growing up, my family was never a cat family.  We had every other pet imaginable.  Muttish dogs, fish that committed suicide with abandon, bunny rabbits saved from certain death under my father’s lawn mower, a bucktoothed dog named Bucky that once shredded the entire back of a door in order to escape the garage, a hamster that gave birth and then accidentally(?) spilled her water all over her baby hamsters almost freezing them to death, so my mother, a freaking genius of an animal doctor, tried to warm the babies up by placing them ON A METAL COOKIE PAN and then placing THAT METAL COOKIE PAN on top of a KEROSENE HEATER until the putrid smell of burning baby hamster meat permeated the house while us five little girls wailed, “YOU COOKED THEM! THEY’RE ALL SHRIVELED AND BLACK AND DEAD! THEY LOOK LIKE KIDNEY BEANS!  WAHH!”

Saddest thing you ever saw was the backyard funeral for the blackened baby hamsters my mom roasted on an open fire.

My point is. We never had a cat so I didn’t know they hated me until my sister Tina Fey owned a cat, appropriately named Kitty.  If I dared to lay down on my sister’s couch for a nap or to watch TV, Kitty, who could have been six miles away, would hear my body squish the cushions of the couch and she would miraculously appear and leap up on my chest, flick open her claws with the exact same sound that Wolverine makes when his claws open, and then Kitty would dig at my chest like I had dead birds implanted into my boobs.  If I tried to swat Kitty away, she would make like she was going to eat my face in order to get to those dead birds.

That started my fear of cats in general.  I mean, a dog, you say “come here” and the dog comes to you even if you’re holding a rolled up newspaper or an open flame.  You say, “WHAT DID YOU DO?!” to a dog and it will immediately and sorrowfully beg your forgiveness even if it did nothing wrong.  Say EITHER one of those things to a cat and the cat will calmly say, “F–k you.”

I also distinctly recall going to a baby shower at a friend’s mother’s house a few years back, and they had recently adopted a really ridiculously adorable kitten.  I mean, this little kitten probably farted sprinkles, she was that cute.  I entered into the living room where all the ladies were gathered for the shower and saw them fawning over the furball, and I was all, “Well, it’s just a little kitten and wook how cute da wittle kitty is!”

When it finally came my turn to nuzzle its velvety nose, I gently approached the kitten and began to stretch my hand toward its head when [hiss] [scratch] [bitch!] [move one inch closer to me and I’ll rip the dead birds from your bosom] happened. This little ball of Skittles was INSTANTLY transformed into a hissing agent of Satan.

All the ladies who had taken turns smothering the kitten, looked at me like surely I must have the demon in me for the cat to hate me so much, so instantly.

Fast forward through lots of similar experiences which finally led me to the conclusion that cats can taste my fear and that’s why they react to me the way they do. That was also the same excuse I gave when it came to babies. THEY TASTE MY FEAR!

Then I entered my sister Pens Fan’s house for Christmas dinner last week to find a cat resting on the carpet, all innocent like.  Instinctively, my hands flew to my breasts, shielding them from the impending onslaught of GIVE ME THE DEAD BIRDS, YOU BITCH!

But the cat just blinked at me. Slowly.

And I realized it was fake. A toy. A demon toy called the Furreal Friend.

This toy is equal parts scarily lifelike and scarily soulless.

It will sit there and stare at you all dead-eyed for twenty minutes, not moving, just watching your heaving, beckoning bosom, and then …

[blink]

SON OF A BITCH!

If you want to see your little niece cry, punt her Furreal Demon Kitty across the room after it blinks at you.

The points of my story are this:

1. Cats hate me.

2. Furreal Friends are battery-operated blinking demons.

3.  Metal is a conductor.

4. You can kick a Furreal Friend further than a real cat.

5.  My bosom is not safe.

6.  I wonder if I can train cats and pigeons to fight each other to the death.

7.  Toys today are getting a little too real.  Baby dolls that poop and fake demon cats that try to scratch your eyes out.

[punt]





39 Comments

  1. butcher's dog
    December 31, 2009 11:23 am

    I’m fairly convinced that cats are wingless, fuzzy pigeons. And I don’t like either, either.

    And, um…if you’re auditioning people for the part of boob protector, please let me know when and where and how big the picture should be that I bring with me.



  2. Sooska
    December 31, 2009 11:30 am

    I, too, came from a menagerie: multiple dogs, cats, rabbits, birds (including a young crow who had been injured,) fish, and a raccoon(very smart and fun.) No reptiles, rodents or amphibians. I hated the birds. The rabbits and raccoon played with the dogs and cats and all would come home when the dog was called. No training involved. It just happened.

    I adore cats. As to them knowing you are afraid of them – they do and will exploit you. I had a friend who was deathly allergic to cats and when we all got together the cat went for her, her clothes, coat, shoes, pillow and no one else’s.



  3. Karen
    December 31, 2009 11:31 am

    OMG! Cooking the baby hamsters! That must be your mother’s parenting low point. I feel so very bad for her. Hugs to Ginny’s Mom from me, another mother who has made some epic parenting mistakes regarding hamsters (sorry, Alex). Happy New Year to Ginny and all of my fellow minions!



  4. Christa
    December 31, 2009 11:35 am

    Mehe. So funny that I could not stop the laughter, even while my office mates stared at me and shook their heads with disapproval.

    I love cats and cats love me. But the same cannot be said about birds. Birds hate me. Birds want to peck my eyes out so that my evil soul can escape this mortal form faster. Knowing bastards.



  5. Kelli
    December 31, 2009 11:40 am

    I agree that cats must taste your fear. And will admit that there are some mean and/or dumb cats out there.

    But as the owner of Vincent*, the smartest, most beautiful cat ever, I can’t go along with the idea that all cats are bad. Vinnie is a Siamese mix – which I think plays a huge part in him being so smart.

    Vincent plays fetch. He comes when I call him. Sure, he tends to hog the recliner in the evenings and my Christmas tree was knocked down twice this season. But for the most part, owning Vinnie gives me most of the good things about having a cat and a dog.

    *Vincent is named for Vinnie Testaverde. Luckily he gets along well with my turtle, named Patterson after Patterson Hood. No I can’t just pick a name for my pets.



  6. one-eyed dick
    December 31, 2009 11:42 am

    Oh, man, I wish I would have heard this story before ny visiting niece decided to give our two hamsters a bath some years ago. We didn’t know enough to grill them and they just died from exposure. Or, maybe, suicide, so they wouldn’t have to go through that again.

    Hey, Hamsters roasting on an open fire….. Where’s Mel Torme when you need him?



  7. Monty
    December 31, 2009 11:46 am

    If it helps relieve your guilt vis a vis your niece, you’re in good company. According to the NY Post earlier this week, Lindsay Lohan’s dad also got in trouble for punting kitty.



  8. Summer
    December 31, 2009 11:49 am

    My daughter also got a Furreal Friend cat for Christmas. They also have dogs and monkeys.

    This cat is unreal. It purrs, kneeds its paws, wags its tail, hisses and meows. And it looks at you and blinks.

    One of her favorite things to do with it is set it out and see how many people jump when it moves.



  9. ztambrose
    December 31, 2009 11:56 am

    Funny. My 95 year old neighbor got a Furreal Friend for xmas. She lost her cat a few years ago and this was a fun gift for her..

    …sorta cute.



  10. bluzdude
    December 31, 2009 11:59 am

    Mom should have just used the microwave to get it over with quicker.

    Our family has been spoiled by owning (or being owned by) a number of wonderful cats. The best was our Siamese, Amos.

    He used to sleep with me most of the time, usually under the covers. So in the summers, when I’d be sleeping shirtless, I’d wake up and he’d be stretched out beside me. Then as HE would wake up, he’d ssstreeeeeeeetch out and in the process, rake his claws across my bare chest. YYYYYYYYOOOOWW! Not my favorite way to wake up.

    But I couldn’t hold it against him. You could actually hold a conversation with him… You’d say something and he’d answer you back. (and anyone that’s had a Siamese before knows how many variations of “meow” they have.)

    He lived to be 17 and has been gone for 16 years now. I still miss him.



  11. Jill
    December 31, 2009 12:02 pm

    I think we should all pitch in and get Ginny the Furreal monkey – now that sounds like a hoot!!!



  12. Michele
    December 31, 2009 12:35 pm

    When I was around 5 years old, we had some bunnies as pets. One of the rabbits gave birth and my Mom moved the babies into the house until they were old enough to put back in the pen with the other rabbits. She told us many, many times that the baby bunnies were not to be touched, but one day I was really bored and decided to play hide and seek with the baby bunnies. Well, unfortunately, nobody ever came looking for the babies which I had gently placed under a pile of dirty laundry in the laundry room. My Mom found them later that day when she went to wash the laundry. I know I was five and didn’t know any better, but I still feel horrible about it to this day! RIP baby bunnies!



  13. Politicalpartypooper
    December 31, 2009 12:38 pm

    Virginia,

    Kitty was just “nursing”, when she was digging her claws into your chest. At that point, there was still hope for you. Obviously, Kitty felt so relaxed around you that she could do something they normally do as kittens around their mother. What you did after that still didn’t seal your fate.

    Cats rock, totally. Especially Orange cats. I lost my orange cat, Tabby, to Feline Peritonitis (I think that’s how it’s spelled). She was fine one day, and the next, dead. At some point during that day, while I was away at work, she delivered five stillborns, and even in her sickened, near-death-state, she met me at the door when I got home; she looked like hell, having lost poundage during the day, her fur was matted and wet, and bloody…but there she was, at the door when I got home. I miss Tabby.

    Cats can be your best friend, Ginny. Plus, they’ll hunt and chase pigeons wherever they have to go, leaping tall buildings, climbing trees, even scrambling through streams to catch one pigeon so they can toy with it before they kill it. Then, they’ll drag it home, and leave it on your porch with a note saying, “Dear Mommy Ginny, there’s one less pigeon in the world today, and the sun is shining. Isn’t this going to be a great day?”



  14. Stacey
    December 31, 2009 1:01 pm

    I am a cat person, I love my cat, but I agree – she’s an evil biatch! She’s gotten better in her older age but man she scares the crap out of me sometimes. Definitely can tell if you aren’t a cat person though – hisses immediately at them! Smartie…



  15. Clementine
    December 31, 2009 1:01 pm

    Our mom painted the kitchen one summer and failed to properly ventilate. Thus ended the pet bird experiment of ’78. He was a knowing bastard, anyway.

    It seems odd the cats and pigeons would unite in a war of attrition against you, considering they would normally be mortal enemies. Have you noticed this animosity from other species, also? You’re like the Bizarro Dr. Dolittle. Furreal! ;)



  16. red pen mama
    December 31, 2009 1:08 pm

    So glad I am allergic to cats, thus never have to deal with owning one. And yes, they do seem to like me best when I visit their houses (as per @sooska).

    Also: almost fell out of my chair reading the hamster story. I mean, I’m sure it was tramatizing and all, but hilarious.



  17. Pensgirl
    December 31, 2009 1:10 pm

    I am a dog person by nature, but I like cats generally. I got a cat in high school who still lives with my parents. He’s a black-and-white and he is the smartest animal in the history of ever. He will, for example, walk into the room and participate in your conversation, looking you in the eye with a steady gaze that says “I know exactly what you’re talking about.”

    I think you could handle him, Ginny. When he likes someone, he’ll sit within arm’s length of that person. People he really likes are allowed to scratch his head, and when you come into the room he’ll look at you and “mow” a hello. And if he doesn’t like you, he simply leaves the room.



  18. Tinare
    December 31, 2009 2:07 pm

    Maine Coons. They are dogs in cat suits. Mine greets me at the door, plays fetch and knows several commands. And my dog thinks the cat’s the pack leader.

    And yeah, politicalpartypooper is right. The cat that sought you out and “kneaded” you, liked you a lot. Probably needed a claw trim, though.



  19. Carpetbagger
    December 31, 2009 2:37 pm

    I have a friend who is seriously afraid of robots taking over the world from humans. What if he’s partly right but it’s really… robot cats! And maybe this is just the beginning. By appearing like “harmless” little toys, they start to infiltrate the human race. And what if a terminator cat from the future is sent back in time (to today) to attack your boobs?

    Hold on, I’m calling James Cameron. Nothing to worry about though. “I’ll be bahk. Meow.”



  20. hoosierburgher
    December 31, 2009 4:39 pm

    Butcher’s dog,

    Not all cats are wingless….no joke, scariest thing ever.

    do a google image search for cats with wings, and you will get the devil!



  21. Beth P
    December 31, 2009 5:33 pm

    I have to say–from your title I have been singing that song all day. Thanks for that. Blah.



  22. JenOH
    December 31, 2009 7:04 pm

    Ginny, sorry to hear that you & cats aren’t exactly best friends. My cat is a total baby with me & my mom, but mostly stays away from other people. He comes when called if he wants to, but other times he needs to be tempted with treats. We’ve had other pets over the years, but our cat has been easiest to care for, and the most comforting since he frequently likes to sit on my lap or curl up next me while I’m watching TV (though when his nails haven’t been trimmed, a robe usually has to be in place while he’s kneading). :)

    Happy New Year!



  23. butcher's dog
    December 31, 2009 8:45 pm

    Safe and Happy New Year, Church-readers. Be well through the coming year as well. Let’s all hope 2010 will be the year Ginny announces she’s started (or finished) the book.



  24. BlueNumber2
    January 1, 2010 9:58 am

    Okay…cat vs. pigeon. Who do you root for?



  25. what the hell is wrong with you
    January 1, 2010 11:57 am

    Dude, pigeons and now cats. why don’t you get some therapy.



  26. Ginny's Dad
    January 1, 2010 12:14 pm

    Hey Gin

    You forgot about the ducks, Daisy and Donald (how original) that we got a few years after moving into our house. I know the neighbors thought we were the Beverly Hillbillies. I wanted to get a couple chickens for fresh eggs in the morning, but mom put her foot down on that suggestion. I told her “I guess that means no goats to eat my grass.”



  27. Margie
    January 1, 2010 12:31 pm

    @Tinare, I agree, Maine Coons are the best. I bought one a couple months ago and he follows me around like a dog. And when I call his name, he meows, runs over and hops up in my lap – Gotta love it :)

    Ginny, I can understand your fear of cats, I have that same fear of certain dog breeds.



  28. Jen
    January 1, 2010 2:42 pm

    OMG. COOKED BABY HAMSTERS??? That is the saddest story I think I’ve ever heard.

    I actually like cats- even though we gave ours away (long story) But I 100% agree and can attest to the fact that cats are Evil Bitches. They do what they want, when they want, and they think people are here to serve them. The only reason we like them is because they are so. stinking. cute. when they’re kittens.



  29. LaReina
    January 2, 2010 12:18 pm

    As Garrison Keillor has said, “Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.”



  30. don
    January 2, 2010 8:45 pm

    We have two cats and live at the beach in SC. No pigeons here but few other flying things are free to roam our property. If you want a pigeon killer, get a cat.

    A bit of breast kneeding is a small price to pay for dead pigeons.



  31. Norf Side Betty
    January 2, 2010 10:28 pm

    They make fureal ponies too. Like actual pony sized ones. My sisters kids have one. I slept over. It was left on. I woke up and had a fake f*cking pony staring and blinking at me. Creeped me out. Moved it into the bathroom. Haven’t slept over since. *shiver*
    cats will often “nurse” by kneading you. Gotta keep those claws clipped if they do it. We have a cat and when she gets really sleepy, she will seek out this specific blanket and will literally suck on it like she’s nursing. She’s 2 yrs old. It is adorable!



  32. Bridget Callahan
    January 3, 2010 1:46 pm

    Apparently my legs are made of dead birds as well.
    Good to know.



  33. Vivian formerly NYLuvsPitts
    January 4, 2010 12:41 pm

    Ginny,
    I can’t believe you don’t like cats. I have a cat (which by the way is appropriately named Kitty) and four kittens (Socks, Spots, Stripes and Bangs) who are 5 weeks old. Growing up we had other pets (hampsters did do well in my house either)but my favorite was Theodora Vanessa Rudy Huxtable. I miss that cat :(. We also had Siamese cats, a pure white one named Sugar and one that looked like the ends of her hairs were singed named Smokey. Cats are wonderful. I’m sorry you don’t like them.



  34. DG
    January 4, 2010 2:50 pm

    I know it’s sad and it’s wrong, but the baby hamster BBQ makes me laugh so hard I snort. Your poor mother. Such good intentions. Such a horrible result.



  35. Daniel
    January 4, 2010 4:24 pm

    That Wolverine sound is technically “SNIKT!”

    I think the exclamation point is required.

    It’s also some other funny things:
    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Snikt



  36. Noelle
    January 4, 2010 4:58 pm

    I am so not a cat person. At least, if I didn’t have the image of 4 newborn hamsters smoldering on a cookie pan now permanently seared into my imagination, I would not be. At the moment, I’m feeling more like a not a hamster person. Very funny post!



  37. Terkel
    February 6, 2010 8:40 am

    Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in 2010. And a great deal of 2009, come to think of it… So eloquently put – into mere words… I still wipe tears away, and blow my nose – almost ten minutes after reading this…

    I accidentally fell over this, while searching weird kitten-pics…

    I just bookmarked your blog :o)

    Thanks again!

    Best wishes,
    Terkel
    (From Denmark, btw…)



  38. Terkel
    February 6, 2010 8:45 am

    Sorry – a late addition to the above:
    [move one inch closer to me and I’ll rip the dead birds from your bosom]
    Just cracked me up! (Again)