Monthly Archives: December 2009

What They’re Really Thinking: Stayin’ Alive edition.

If that game doesn’t convince you that God is a Steelers fan, I don’t know what will.  When Derrick Mason dropped that pass in the end zone, I turned to my brother-in-law and I said, “Did you see that? That was divine intervention.  An angel of mercy smacked that ball out of his hands all, ‘NOT ON MY WATCH, LOSER!'”

What madness that game was.

Penalty-riddled football-follies madness.

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk that I’m a mom trying to walk in do-me boots with one child on my hip and I got no time for talk, so let’s get right to it.

1.  First, it appears Jeff Reed is growing a porn ‘stache, too!

Add to that Benny’s serious stache:

and the Ravens coach was all, “I OBJECT TO THIS DISTRACTION!”

It is a distraction.  It’s hard to look away from that much bow-chicka-bow-bow.

2.   Jeff Reed.  You know, I’ve got nothing bad to say about our main skeeve today. Well, that’s not entirely true.

Let me say that he has overcome that early-season fluke of a game in which he missed what was it, sixty field goals? It seemed.  He has since been incredibly accurate at what is his job.  Kicking field goals.

If only he didn’t always look so ridiculous and so, you know, eyes-slammed-shut whenever he has to make a tackle.  But he did push a runner out of bounds yesterday, so well done, Skippy.  If I were a gameshow host, this would be the part of the show where I reveal the sluts behind door number 3.

3.  Forced fumble aside, James Harrison taking the 15 seconds or so to roll Ray Rice over just so he could jaw at him really left a bad taste in my mouth.  I prefer sportsmanlike conduct from my Steelers.

This might be just because I’m a woman though because this conversation happened exactly as I’m going to write it:

Me: “Did you see that?  James Harrison is such a punk ass.”

BIL: “What did he do?”

Me:  “He turned Ray Rice over off of his stomach and onto his back just so he could get all up in Ray’s face and jaw at him.”

BIL:  “That’s awesome.”

4.  Receivers! Mike Wallace continues to impress me.  I mean, did you see him jump up, spin around in the air, and pull that ball out of the sky while he was running full speed ahead?  Amazing.  Plus, his catch set up the Santonio Holmes touchdown.  And speaking of Santonio, the thing I like about the Asshat is that he is superb at gaining additional yards after he makes catches.

5.  There was also that game-saving catch by some guy named … wait … I gotta go find it.  Here we go.  Grisham.  Tyler Grisham.  I have no idea who Tyler Grisham is.  Did he just show up in the locker room and throw on a Steelers uniform topped with his own personalized jersey?  Where did he come from?  I don’t even think he knows.

But his catch set up Jeff Reed to score what would become the winning points.

6.  The penalties.  Without them, we lose.  Two touchdowns called back because of them, and an interception that would have dramatically changed the outcome of the game.  MVP for this game is clearly the Ravens’ own Frank Walker.

The Ravens would lay the blame on the refs while the Steelers point fingers at the Ravens for being giant stupid-heads, particularly with the late hit penalties. There’s no excuse for those.

All I know is that it seemed like the Ravens were doing everything in their power to muck this game up.

7.  Steelers went into the half leading by 10, then ended the third-quarter tied at 20.  This was the point in the game that my sister Pens Fan said, “Here we go.  Second half collapse anchored by a fourth-quarter of defensive fail.  I need more alcohol.”

But instead, the defense has suddenly come alive.  THEY CAUGHT AN INTERCEPTION, YOU GUYS!  I can’t remember the last time that happened, but I’m pretty sure it was Troysus that did it, so I’m going to say seven or eight games ago.

The defense shut out the Ravens in the fourth quarter along with a little help from their friends, the refs, the Ravens, and the angels of football mercy. Nevermore! Testify!

8.  Yes, we probably shouldn’t have won that game, but we did.  And like Mike Tomlin said:

“Style points, we’re way past that.  We’re just trying to stay alive.”

Well, mission accomplished, Coach!

Yes, we know, Santonio.

I’ve already posted the playoff scenarios that would get our slightly undeserving boys (gasp!) into the playoffs, but they all begin with one very important fact.  We’ve got to beat Miami first.  And normally, I’d be all, “Miami?!  Miami?! You’ve got style.  Blue skies, sunshine, white sand for miles.”  Wait, no, that the Golden Girls ditty.  I’d be all, “Miami!?  Done.”  But this year, a win against Miami is not guaranteed, so let’s just focus on the Dolphins for now and let’s focus on actually beating them with some freaking dominance.  You know, by like seven points or something ridiculous like that.

Finally, I can’t caption this picture with the words I want to because my father reads my blog and he will call me first thing in the morning from Texas where he is visiting Tina Fey, and he will lecture me sternly and would read me several scriptures, and then he will put my mother on the phone and she would do her “UNITED STATES OF AMERICA” guilt trip all the while Tina Fey would be in the background laughing her ass off.

But, I’m not saying a word.

This is me, taking the high road.  The giant, freshly showered high road.

The Devil wears a hoodie.

If you’re wondering what needs to happen for the Steelers to make the playoffs, according to the NFL, any ONE of the following:

1) Steelers win and Houston loses or ties, and New York Jets lose or tie.

2) Steelers win and Houston loses or ties and Baltimore loses or ties.

3) Steelers win and New York Jets lose or tie and Baltimore loses or ties and Denver loses or ties.

Surprisingly no mention of sacrifices to angry football gods or even mass outbreaks of the swine flu.  So, voodoo people, please begin directing your hexes and evil eyes and strange brews toward New York, Houston, Baltimore, Miami and Denver.

However, keep this in mind, the Bengals and the Patriots have already clinched, so they very well may throw their games in an effort to keep the Steelers from the playoffs.

So, if you’re a Steelers fan, you need to root for your team to beat the Dolphins. And you need to root for Bill Belichick and Marvin Lewis to go for a win.

In other words, we’re screwed by the cowardice of The Devil and Marvin Lewis.

I predict our season ends on Sunday when the Patriots and the Bengals lose on purpose, just like the Colts did yesterday in a glaring display of scaredy-cat-ness, or when the Patriots win and the Bengals, who play later in the day, realize nothing can come from a win, so they’ll throw their game.

Either way, Steelers playoff chances are resting in the hands of too many enemies for us to be very hopeful, and that is their own stupid fault for their level of play this season and I don’t think any amount of voodoo can fix that.

But whatever, stab ’em if you’ve got ’em.

Please deposit your severed leg and have a nice day.

We all agree that downtown parking rates are ludicrous, right?  I mean, you pull in and the machine takes your arm off at the shoulder and spits you out a ticket with the words “CHA-CHING” printed on it, and then you’ve got to give your leg to a different machine in order to get your car out. And God help you if you lost your “CHA-CHING” ticket, because then you have to offer up your first born.  Also, come Friday, all of Alco’s garages are increasing by $1 or $2 per day, so you’d best get to growing some extra limbs, commuters.

Rich Lord, who I’ve just decided needs a nickname, explores the impending privatization of the city-owned parking lots and wonders if downtown parking prices will become even MORE ludicrous, considering the private garages are the most expensive and considering the lot operators laugh in the face of tax decreases, pocketing the difference instead of passing it on to limbless, weeping motorists.

Go read it if you’d like, but here’s what really made me all BLLLLLLLLLLL:

The Parking Authority has agreed that the financial services firm Morgan Stanley will lead the effort to engineer a long-term lease, and will get $3 million from the proceeds of any deal. The authority is in the process of picking another consultant that would be paid around $600,000 to assemble data for prospective lessees.

Okay, I will let go of the $3 million fee to engineer the lease, but $600,000 to “ASSEMBLE DATA FOR PROSPECTIVE LESSEES”?!


I’m imagining my thinking here is very simplistic, possibly too simplistic, but what data do the lessees need that the current owner, meaning The City of Pittsburgh, doesn’t already have?

They’re your garages, City.  You own them.  Don’t you have all that data on them?  Don’t you know how many cars enter your garages?  Don’t you know how much money you’ve made over the years on those garages? And can’t you assemble the data and makes some national comparisons and even include some snazzy charts and graphs?  And don’t you already have data on commuters and the numbers of cars entering the city and all that jazz that lessees might want?  Can’t you put it together for them?  Or at least have someone do it for less than over half a million dollars?

Six hundred thousand dollars … TO ASSEMBLE DATA.

I want to see this data when it is all assembled, and not only do I want each binder to be trimmed in solid gold, I want every bullet point to be a diamond.  And so help me God, if I find ONE SINGLE SPELLING ERROR in that $600,000 report I will use an eight-inch knife to spear that report to a dead pigeon and I will leave it on the steps of the City County building for Lukey to find.

Lucky for him, there are lots of $1,000 trash cans around to discard the mangled carcass.

Adam Frey 1986-2009

If you’ve been reading my blog for a few years, you might remember Adam Frey of Pittsburgh.

He was a Cornell wrestler in his 20s when medical treatment he received after a car accident revealed a 12-lb cancerous tumor in his body.  I wrote about his fight against cancer and I was joyous when it seemed he beat it.

Unfortunately, Adam lost — well, I hate to use the word “lost” because he fought so long and so hard and did so much good by starting the Adam Frey Foundation that it certainly doesn’t seem like he lost, so let’s just say Adam died the day after Christmas at Shady Side Hospital.

The interesting thing about Adam was how raw the emotions were that he exposed on his blog.  It was hard to read him talk about how much he just wanted to get married and have children.  It was hard to read him tell us the cancer came back. It was hard to read about the hell he put his body through in the hopes of killing the cancer before it got to him. But he put it all out there for us to read and he continually kept his eyes gazing upward.

And like Randy Pausch, once the cancer really truly set sights on taking him, it went so fast.  One week Adam was writing about getting back on the wrestling mat and then two weeks later, he is gone.

But he won’t soon be forgotten.

Well fought, Adam.

(h/t Jill and Beth)

I mean it.

To all of you, whatever you’re celebrating tonight and tomorrow, have a wonderful time with your loved ones, and please, please, please, reach out to those missing theirs.

Merry Christmas, you guys.  I hope you get what you want, and if not, remember what you already have.