What They’re Really Thinking: [………..]

Yeah, I’m really late with this.  There was a glitch in the Matrix: the season ended and I’m very MEH about the Miami game because it was all for naught.

But let’s talk about it anyway so that we can wrap this season up and start focusing our collective sports butt-slapping energies on the Penguins, who could clearly use our mojo these days, and then on the Pirates, who could clearly use new ownership, management, players, money, bats, talent, exorcists, etc.

Did anyone else do any of the following during the game or was it just me?

a. Regularly scan the sidelines for any glimpse of Tyler Grisham.

b. Watch the score ticker on the bottom of the screen way more than you used to because you wanted to see how our playoff chances were faring.

c. Give a little [sigh] when you briefly spotted Tyler Grisham.

d. Really really really wish you were in Miami where their snots aren’t in a constant state of frozen due to this:

God bless Jeff Verzsyla for just laying it all out there for us.  IT’S GOING TO BE ENDLESSLY COLD!  NO END IN SIGHT!  COLD AND COLDER STILL! REPENT NOW! BE SAVED! SIT AND SPIN!

Brr.

Let’s really talk about the useless game.

1.  Mike Wallace once again comes through with a BIG. GIANT. POINTS-EARNING. PLAY!  This a 54-yard touchdown that made me go do some more research into this man to find out what he looks like without a helmet on his head, and I discovered, yummy.

Incidentally, my husband met Mike Wallace yesterday when he was fortunate enough to visit the Steelers with a few journalists visiting from Mexico City.  He tells me that Mike Wallace was “amazing” with him and the journalists.  Ridiculously nice, cracking jokes, shouting “AMIGOS!” when he learned they were from Mexico, and then making sure his faux-hawk was nice and pointy before gladly getting his picture taken with them.  The same attitude was evident in LaMarr Woodley as well.  In fact, my husband said every Steeler they met was awesome with them, save for one, but we’ll just assume that Hines was having a bad day and leave it at that. Maybe he couldn’t find his blue binky or something.

2.  Pat White went up against Ike Taylor and got knocked the eff out.  Immediately. Rag doll.

I appreciated how quickly the Steelers sideline realized he was out and motioned for help.  I appreciated how truly concerned everyone seemed.  I appreciated Benny seeming affected by the injury.

I did NOT appreciate Ike Taylor removing his helmet to show us that he let Junie B. Jones cut his hair.

WTF is that on his head?  A map to buried treasure?  A vagina?

I don’t know.

But I think Vagina-Head is a good nickname for someone.

Vagina-Head also had a crucial interception that helped us win this game that meant nothing.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

3.  Speaking of, these are the only two pictures of the cheerleaders the NFL posted for this game:

Someone get that girl a black and gold hand-crocheted tampon, STAT.

Also, that photographer REALLY loves his vagina-hunting job.  Geez.  Can’t you just hear him?  “No bajingo. Delete.  No bajingo. Delete.  BAJINGOS! Publish.”

4.  After weeks and weeks of run, run, pass, punt, run, run, pass, run, run, pass, run, run, pass, field goal, run, run — well, I should stop because I’m totally leaking the Steelers’ offensive playbook here.  Anyway, on Sunday, the Steelers tried the gadgetiest gadget play that ever gadgeted.

Benny, the quarterback, tossed the ball to Santonio, a wide receiver, who then threw a long bomb down the field into Parkway rush hour traffic to Mendenhall, a RUNNING BACK.

Quarterback tossing to a wide receiver who throws long to a running back in traffic = interception.  Every time.

I give them credit for trying something different, but that was akin to a play in which Benny lets the ball get snapped to Max Starks who runs the ball for six yards and then hands it to Tyler Grisham who strips his shirt off before running backwards ten yards where he then throws the ball BACK to Benny who spies an open Mike Tomlin who catches the ball and punts it to the end zone where Jeff Reed is waiting to score the touchdown.  You know what?  That’s brilliant.  I’m going to call that play TYLER GRISHAM IS YUMMY.

Which he is:

You’re welcome.

(Update: Offensive Coordinator, Bruce “Run, Run, Pass, Run, Run, Pass” Arians was fired today is rumored to be fired this week.  That’s because he doesn’t have the Tyler Grisham is Yummy play in his playbook.  Bye-bye, Bruce.)

5.  LaMarr Woodley has been turned into a Sack Monster which is useless now that we’re not in the playoffs.

6.  Heath Miller did ballet-worthy moves to stay in bounds to score a touchdown, which was useless now that we’re not in the playoffs.

7.  Meh.

8.  Oh, I can’t even pretend to care anymore.  I’m sorry.  The season is over and nothing that happened at this game really meant anything. It didn’t.  I can’t even bring myself to finish hunting through all the pictures to find the perfect one to LOL caption with, “I can haz golf nao?”

Yes, go golf, Steelers.  Enjoy the off-season and for the love of Myron, come back this fall understanding that football games don’t end in 45-minutes.

Everyone needs to come back hungrier.

Except the fat people, Benny.

Everyone needs to come back angrier.

Except the babymama beaters, Santonio and James.

Everyone needs to come back stronger, healthier, and faster, and for the love of God, Tyler Grisham needs to just come back.

We won. Season is over.  Hockey is now.

Let’s go Pens.

And ye scurvy dogs of suckitude.

Arrrr.





65 Comments


  1. Pa-pop
    January 6, 2010 12:20 pm

    1. Re Mike Wallace, we can truly say, “God bless his pointy little head.”

    2. No reasonable person under the circumstances would look at that particular shot of the Rorschach test on the back of Ike’s head and come up with “9th Ward.” While I commend the Louisiana native’s commemoration of the devastated New Orleans neighborhood, it looks more so to me that Stevie Wonder rather than JBJ does his hair.

    3. My guess is that some inventive R&D type at Kimberly-Clark will see the pic of that high stepping cheerleader and develop the world’s first made-to-order PMS pad … in this case, PMS stands for Pantone Matching System. Curiously ironic.

    4. To borrow a line from Special Agent Booth of “Bones,” hairless wonder Tyler is apparently “highly evolved.”

    For shits and giggles last night I watched my DVD of Super Bowl XIII (Steelers 35, Dallas 31) and an incredible thing happened at the start of the broadcast. I heard the voice of Myron. Really. Right there in the middle of the NBC broadcast was Myron explaining interesting match-ups to Jack Fleming. NBC play-by-play announcer Curt Gowdy later apologized to a worldwide television audience and explained the Steeler broadcasters were on the same frequency as one of the network’s other audio feeds and that they had no control over it. In this coming winter of my football discontent, it was great to hear Myron again.



  2. Kristie
    January 6, 2010 1:04 pm

    @ Monty – I just snort-laughed at my desk! Love that movie.

    Also, did no one else notice the Asshat’s personalized shorts? In case anyone forgets who he is. *eyeroll*



  3. Summer
    January 6, 2010 3:14 pm

    Another thought … went to the Ikei Underground site, where they have the before/after photos of Tyler, and even his hair is bigger in the after photo. Something to think about, guys.



  4. Princess of Quarterbackolonia
    January 6, 2010 4:46 pm

    TyG(eeerrrrr)…. oh, my my… giving my devotion to Ben a run for its money



  5. Michael Armbrust
    January 6, 2010 5:08 pm

    I’ll take me some Tyler! Mhmm



  6. unsatisfied
    January 6, 2010 6:57 pm

    offensive line coach larry zierlein: fired.

    offensive coordinator bruce arians: NOT fired.

    so much for that….



  7. northside15212
    January 6, 2010 7:45 pm

    efw_west Says:
    January 6th, 2010 at 10:33 am
    I guess I don’t understand what Bruce Arians had to do with losing 4th quarter leads against the Raiders, Chiefs, etc. I know it may be considered sacrilege, but why isn’t LeBeau under more scrutiny?

    Agree with the first part, but not the second. Arians didn’t get fired and shouldn’t be fired –the offense was very productive, and for the most part, consistent, despite a few questionable calls. The defense surrendered five 4th quarter leads, all games which the Steelers inevitably lost. Nonetheless, put in the proper perspective, i.e., the loss of Troy and Smith, our defensive scheming was limited. Troy covers up a lot of ground out there in the secondary, especially on those long passes. Come to think of it, I think the last play Troy made this season was a tackle for loss against Cincy, a sort of nod to his awesome-ness. I think what I learned most about this year is that the ball takes funny bounces and sometimes, they just all run together on the same team. We were one dropped interception by a rookie from being in the post-season…I can live with that. The Steelers have been good to me.



  8. bucdaddy
    January 6, 2010 7:49 pm

    northside15212,

    I’ll see your rookie’s dropped INT and raise you a Raven’s dropped certain TD pass.



  9. calmdahn
    January 6, 2010 9:48 pm

    I got a good look at it during the game, and I am pretty sure the message shaved into Ike’s hair is “HARD”, which is pretty fitting considering the way he knocked that Miami QB the eff out.



  10. Still A, Fan
    January 6, 2010 10:20 pm

    re: efw_west

    what people fail to understand about 4th quarter leads is not giving the ball back to the opposition. that’s the offense’s job. it’s not all defense. how many times this year did we have a lead with 6 or 7 minutes to go? mendenhall had a good year. years ago they would just feed bettis and run the clock out. that’s my entire point up above. in some of those games, he would come out throwing on 1st down with a slight lead and minutes on the clock. it’s just plain stupid. every running play kills precious seconds by the boatload when protecting a lead. there’s a reason cowher won a ridiculous number of games when having a 4th quarter lead and only losing 1 or 2 of them over a very long stretch. now, granted we don’t have the OLs that cowher had. mendenhall also isn’t jerome bettis. however, i never once saw them make a committment to kill the clock. NEVER. read my initial comment again – throwing that pass on 3rd and 1 against the Ravens was so statistically stupid with what was on the clock it was mind boggling. yes the offense scores points, but that’s in spite of arians, not because of him….look at the talent out there. when they are at their most dangerous, no huddle, it’s ben calling the plays. everybody wants to talk about troy but nobody seems to get that aaron smith is a HUGE loss on d as well. we were 9-7 without 2 core players and lots of 4th quarter losses with small margins. you bring those two back and they can beat anybody. arians put together the offense, but his play calling is totally random and doesnt seem in sync with down and distance. we used to do what we do on offense and not adjust or overthink because we did what we did so well, we didnt care if it was predictable. people couldnt stop it. i’m not even saying we have to do that all the time. but for myron’s sake, with a 4th quarter lead, PLEASE ATTEMPT to shove the goddamn ball down somebody’s throat until they prove they can stop it.



  11. Summer's Kiss
    January 6, 2010 10:48 pm

    Apologies for saying that BA was fired – that’s what I’d heard. My bad.



  12. Steelman
    January 7, 2010 1:32 am

    As much as Big Ben makes my eyes spew out blood when he holds on to the ball too long, he had a remarkable year considering he tied Aaron Rodgers with the most sacks, 50. Peyton Manning (10 sacks) and Brady (16 sacks) would not have put up better passing stats if they had our O line protecting their butts. If BA gets fired, I believe Ben will benefit from someone who is creative and imaginative in designing and calling plays.

    PS- Jets are going to beat the Bengals again.



  13. northside15212
    January 7, 2010 9:48 am

    Gotcha, Bucdaddy; and a kickoff return or two. I’m not going to quibble over a few “questionable” calls on the part of Arians, though my favorite was the 3rd and 1 against Cleveland on the first series. Our “O,” by and large, got the job done. Period. And when they didn’t, it was poor execution, not the guy standing on the sidelines with a clipboard in his hands. I think the problem with our “O” line is recognition –they simply cannot figure out opposing schemes and hence, the “O” line coach was given his walking papers.



  14. Still A, Fan
    January 7, 2010 5:58 pm

    i dont know about that. if you could rewatch all 50 sacks, i would bet that the league average were “real” sacks and the rest were ben holding and praying. i dont blame ben or the line for those. you have to take those if you want the good that comes out of his scrambles. it would be nice if sometimes he threw them away.



  15. Kathy
    January 8, 2010 1:49 pm

    3. Ewwwwww….You’re telling me the photo guy didn’t notice? Yeah, right.