Yeah, I’m really late with this. There was a glitch in the Matrix: the season ended and I’m very MEH about the Miami game because it was all for naught.
But let’s talk about it anyway so that we can wrap this season up and start focusing our collective sports butt-slapping energies on the Penguins, who could clearly use our mojo these days, and then on the Pirates, who could clearly use new ownership, management, players, money, bats, talent, exorcists, etc.
Did anyone else do any of the following during the game or was it just me?
a. Regularly scan the sidelines for any glimpse of Tyler Grisham.
b. Watch the score ticker on the bottom of the screen way more than you used to because you wanted to see how our playoff chances were faring.
c. Give a little [sigh] when you briefly spotted Tyler Grisham.
d. Really really really wish you were in Miami where their snots aren’t in a constant state of frozen due to this:
God bless Jeff Verzsyla for just laying it all out there for us. IT’S GOING TO BE ENDLESSLY COLD! NO END IN SIGHT! COLD AND COLDER STILL! REPENT NOW! BE SAVED! SIT AND SPIN!
Let’s really talk about the useless game.
1. Mike Wallace once again comes through with a BIG. GIANT. POINTS-EARNING. PLAY! This a 54-yard touchdown that made me go do some more research into this man to find out what he looks like without a helmet on his head, and I discovered, yummy.
Incidentally, my husband met Mike Wallace yesterday when he was fortunate enough to visit the Steelers with a few journalists visiting from Mexico City. He tells me that Mike Wallace was “amazing” with him and the journalists. Ridiculously nice, cracking jokes, shouting “AMIGOS!” when he learned they were from Mexico, and then making sure his faux-hawk was nice and pointy before gladly getting his picture taken with them. The same attitude was evident in LaMarr Woodley as well. In fact, my husband said every Steeler they met was awesome with them, save for one, but we’ll just assume that Hines was having a bad day and leave it at that. Maybe he couldn’t find his blue binky or something.
2. Pat White went up against Ike Taylor and got knocked the eff out. Immediately. Rag doll.
I appreciated how quickly the Steelers sideline realized he was out and motioned for help. I appreciated how truly concerned everyone seemed. I appreciated Benny seeming affected by the injury.
I did NOT appreciate Ike Taylor removing his helmet to show us that he let Junie B. Jones cut his hair.
WTF is that on his head? A map to buried treasure? A vagina?
I don’t know.
But I think Vagina-Head is a good nickname for someone.
Vagina-Head also had a crucial interception that helped us win this game that meant nothing. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
3. Speaking of, these are the only two pictures of the cheerleaders the NFL posted for this game:
Someone get that girl a black and gold hand-crocheted tampon, STAT.
Also, that photographer REALLY loves his vagina-hunting job. Geez. Can’t you just hear him? “No bajingo. Delete. No bajingo. Delete. BAJINGOS! Publish.”
4. After weeks and weeks of run, run, pass, punt, run, run, pass, run, run, pass, run, run, pass, field goal, run, run — well, I should stop because I’m totally leaking the Steelers’ offensive playbook here. Anyway, on Sunday, the Steelers tried the gadgetiest gadget play that ever gadgeted.
Benny, the quarterback, tossed the ball to Santonio, a wide receiver, who then threw a long bomb down the field into Parkway rush hour traffic to Mendenhall, a RUNNING BACK.
Quarterback tossing to a wide receiver who throws long to a running back in traffic = interception. Every time.
I give them credit for trying something different, but that was akin to a play in which Benny lets the ball get snapped to Max Starks who runs the ball for six yards and then hands it to Tyler Grisham who strips his shirt off before running backwards ten yards where he then throws the ball BACK to Benny who spies an open Mike Tomlin who catches the ball and punts it to the end zone where Jeff Reed is waiting to score the touchdown. You know what? That’s brilliant. I’m going to call that play TYLER GRISHAM IS YUMMY.
(Update: Offensive Coordinator, Bruce “Run, Run, Pass, Run, Run, Pass” Arians was fired today is rumored to be fired this week. That’s because he doesn’t have the Tyler Grisham is Yummy play in his playbook. Bye-bye, Bruce.)
5. LaMarr Woodley has been turned into a Sack Monster which is useless now that we’re not in the playoffs.
6. Heath Miller did ballet-worthy moves to stay in bounds to score a touchdown, which was useless now that we’re not in the playoffs.
8. Oh, I can’t even pretend to care anymore. I’m sorry. The season is over and nothing that happened at this game really meant anything. It didn’t. I can’t even bring myself to finish hunting through all the pictures to find the perfect one to LOL caption with, “I can haz golf nao?”
Yes, go golf, Steelers. Enjoy the off-season and for the love of Myron, come back this fall understanding that football games don’t end in 45-minutes.
Everyone needs to come back hungrier.
Except the fat people, Benny.
Everyone needs to come back angrier.
Except the babymama beaters, Santonio and James.
Everyone needs to come back stronger, healthier, and faster, and for the love of God, Tyler Grisham needs to just come back.
We won. Season is over. Hockey is now.
Let’s go Pens.
And ye scurvy dogs of suckitude.