What They’re Really Thinking: [………..]

Yeah, I’m really late with this.  There was a glitch in the Matrix: the season ended and I’m very MEH about the Miami game because it was all for naught.

But let’s talk about it anyway so that we can wrap this season up and start focusing our collective sports butt-slapping energies on the Penguins, who could clearly use our mojo these days, and then on the Pirates, who could clearly use new ownership, management, players, money, bats, talent, exorcists, etc.

Did anyone else do any of the following during the game or was it just me?

a. Regularly scan the sidelines for any glimpse of Tyler Grisham.

b. Watch the score ticker on the bottom of the screen way more than you used to because you wanted to see how our playoff chances were faring.

c. Give a little [sigh] when you briefly spotted Tyler Grisham.

d. Really really really wish you were in Miami where their snots aren’t in a constant state of frozen due to this:

God bless Jeff Verzsyla for just laying it all out there for us.  IT’S GOING TO BE ENDLESSLY COLD!  NO END IN SIGHT!  COLD AND COLDER STILL! REPENT NOW! BE SAVED! SIT AND SPIN!

Brr.

Let’s really talk about the useless game.

1.  Mike Wallace once again comes through with a BIG. GIANT. POINTS-EARNING. PLAY!  This a 54-yard touchdown that made me go do some more research into this man to find out what he looks like without a helmet on his head, and I discovered, yummy.

Incidentally, my husband met Mike Wallace yesterday when he was fortunate enough to visit the Steelers with a few journalists visiting from Mexico City.  He tells me that Mike Wallace was “amazing” with him and the journalists.  Ridiculously nice, cracking jokes, shouting “AMIGOS!” when he learned they were from Mexico, and then making sure his faux-hawk was nice and pointy before gladly getting his picture taken with them.  The same attitude was evident in LaMarr Woodley as well.  In fact, my husband said every Steeler they met was awesome with them, save for one, but we’ll just assume that Hines was having a bad day and leave it at that. Maybe he couldn’t find his blue binky or something.

2.  Pat White went up against Ike Taylor and got knocked the eff out.  Immediately. Rag doll.

I appreciated how quickly the Steelers sideline realized he was out and motioned for help.  I appreciated how truly concerned everyone seemed.  I appreciated Benny seeming affected by the injury.

I did NOT appreciate Ike Taylor removing his helmet to show us that he let Junie B. Jones cut his hair.

WTF is that on his head?  A map to buried treasure?  A vagina?

I don’t know.

But I think Vagina-Head is a good nickname for someone.

Vagina-Head also had a crucial interception that helped us win this game that meant nothing.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

3.  Speaking of, these are the only two pictures of the cheerleaders the NFL posted for this game:

Someone get that girl a black and gold hand-crocheted tampon, STAT.

Also, that photographer REALLY loves his vagina-hunting job.  Geez.  Can’t you just hear him?  “No bajingo. Delete.  No bajingo. Delete.  BAJINGOS! Publish.”

4.  After weeks and weeks of run, run, pass, punt, run, run, pass, run, run, pass, run, run, pass, field goal, run, run — well, I should stop because I’m totally leaking the Steelers’ offensive playbook here.  Anyway, on Sunday, the Steelers tried the gadgetiest gadget play that ever gadgeted.

Benny, the quarterback, tossed the ball to Santonio, a wide receiver, who then threw a long bomb down the field into Parkway rush hour traffic to Mendenhall, a RUNNING BACK.

Quarterback tossing to a wide receiver who throws long to a running back in traffic = interception.  Every time.

I give them credit for trying something different, but that was akin to a play in which Benny lets the ball get snapped to Max Starks who runs the ball for six yards and then hands it to Tyler Grisham who strips his shirt off before running backwards ten yards where he then throws the ball BACK to Benny who spies an open Mike Tomlin who catches the ball and punts it to the end zone where Jeff Reed is waiting to score the touchdown.  You know what?  That’s brilliant.  I’m going to call that play TYLER GRISHAM IS YUMMY.

Which he is:

You’re welcome.

(Update: Offensive Coordinator, Bruce “Run, Run, Pass, Run, Run, Pass” Arians was fired today is rumored to be fired this week.  That’s because he doesn’t have the Tyler Grisham is Yummy play in his playbook.  Bye-bye, Bruce.)

5.  LaMarr Woodley has been turned into a Sack Monster which is useless now that we’re not in the playoffs.

6.  Heath Miller did ballet-worthy moves to stay in bounds to score a touchdown, which was useless now that we’re not in the playoffs.

7.  Meh.

8.  Oh, I can’t even pretend to care anymore.  I’m sorry.  The season is over and nothing that happened at this game really meant anything. It didn’t.  I can’t even bring myself to finish hunting through all the pictures to find the perfect one to LOL caption with, “I can haz golf nao?”

Yes, go golf, Steelers.  Enjoy the off-season and for the love of Myron, come back this fall understanding that football games don’t end in 45-minutes.

Everyone needs to come back hungrier.

Except the fat people, Benny.

Everyone needs to come back angrier.

Except the babymama beaters, Santonio and James.

Everyone needs to come back stronger, healthier, and faster, and for the love of God, Tyler Grisham needs to just come back.

We won. Season is over.  Hockey is now.

Let’s go Pens.

And ye scurvy dogs of suckitude.

Arrrr.





65 Comments


  1. Jessica @ How Sweet
    January 5, 2010 3:06 pm

    We thought the same thing when we saw Ike’s head. WTF?



  2. Bojack
    January 5, 2010 3:09 pm

    Looks like TG has starter love handles adipose!



  3. butcher's dog
    January 5, 2010 3:09 pm

    Does anyone else besides me, vindictive and bitter old man that I am, hope with all their hearts that Cincy and Baltimore get smoked like a couple of hams this weekend? Yeah…that’s what I thought…most of you. You read it here first; no need to thank me.

    Um, ladies? Tyler’s pic? No body hair and little or no arm hair? Are we looking at chemicals God didn’t intend for consumption here? Just curious.

    As for the Pens, please no Steeler videos at home games. No Tomlin pep talks. The big boys have done enough for the communal mojo already without sharing the “wealth” to our guys on skates.

    And finally (for now) yesterday Our Buccos hired a mental conditioning coordinator for the organization. I couldn’t possibly make this up.



  4. mis
    January 5, 2010 3:09 pm

    Tyler Grisham looks like someone – an actor I think and I can’t put my finger on it and it is driving me nuts!!!!

    Bye bye Bruce – don’t let the door hit ya.



  5. Kathy
    January 5, 2010 3:13 pm

    The Junie B Jones reference made me laugh out loud at my desk!! Only a mom would think about that — I love it!!

    Go Pens!!!

    And, don’t forget, Go Pitt Basketball — March Madness is just around the corner!!

    Kathy



  6. Martin Silenus
    January 5, 2010 3:18 pm

    I have to admit I really enjoyed watching the Jets smack the Bengals into oblivion on Sunday night, knowing that the outcome of that game had no impact on our chances. I will probably root for the Jets just because of Faneca.



  7. Jaime
    January 5, 2010 3:23 pm

    Wallace is SUPER YUMMY!! YUM YUM!



  8. Sooska
    January 5, 2010 3:23 pm

    Tyler Grisham looks 12. no thanks.

    Ike Taylor’s head looks like a failed French bikini wax. Wrong end, Ike! (but that should come as no surprise. to SteelerNation.)

    RE: the supposed firing of Arians. When is the parade? I know it is snowing and freezing ass cold but I know 300,000+ folks who will show up downtown to celebrate.



  9. e$
    January 5, 2010 3:31 pm

    did they really fire BA????? don’t toy with us Ginny! Sweet baby jesus let it be true!



  10. OldNorthSider
    January 5, 2010 3:34 pm

    No, the Steelers did not fire BA. Ben loves him. Kenny Anderson retired. So far, that’s the only assistant coach that left the fold.

    Plus, Ike’s new do was a tribute to New Orlean’s 9th ward…not politically correct to compare the 9th ward to a vagina.



  11. Sooska
    January 5, 2010 3:35 pm

    @e$: ESPN radio’s Ken Laird is reporting BA will be fired by Thursday. may or may not be true.



  12. Ashley
    January 5, 2010 3:35 pm

    Tyler Grisham shirtless always makes me smile! :)
    LETS GO PENS!!!!



  13. unsatisfied
    January 5, 2010 3:39 pm

    the interwebs sez that the firing of PA is “planned” — not definite.

    the QB coach, kenny anderson, DID retire today. so, he’s gone.

    personally, I think letting go BA is a scapegoating kind of move. if MT didn’t like his play calling, he could have vetoed it.

    interesting how no one seems to be calling for dick lebeau’s head. not that they should, but just sayin’ — considering how the D was one big bundle of suck this year, as compared to the O.

    I will thank you for posting that pic of the cheerleaders, though — it kind of makes up for the lack of ali mo skin in your previous post.

    but, now that you’ve gone and mentioned the hand-crotcheted tampon again, I’m surprised that those ladies aren’t back on here, going all hateful on you.



  14. e$
    January 5, 2010 3:40 pm

    sooska- thx! we should all pray to the gods of quarterbackylyonia (sp.? does it matter?) that it is so…



  15. Monty
    January 5, 2010 3:43 pm

    I really hope that is a maxi-pad poking out in #3. Otherwise, we have another Einhorn/Finkle situation in Miami.



  16. JennyMoon
    January 5, 2010 4:13 pm

    OMG Monty I just laughed out loud hysterically at my desk! Awesome!



  17. Jen
    January 5, 2010 4:18 pm

    Dan asked who chewed on Ike’s head. And seriously those cheerleader pictures are just ridiculous.



  18. Erin
    January 5, 2010 4:32 pm

    Oh I laughed out loud obnoxiously after your cheerleader comment. I then had to explain to my office mate what was so funny that I couldn’t breath. She didn’t even chuckle. Oh people from Cleveland.



  19. bluzdude
    January 5, 2010 4:42 pm

    If Wallace continues to excel, maybe he can have some personalized shorts like ‘Tone.

    I’m wondering if the actor that “mis” is thinking that Grish looks like is a younger, thinner Matt Damon.



  20. beth
    January 5, 2010 4:50 pm

    You didn’t need to find a picture to tell you Mike Wallace is yummy. You could have just asked me. If you could find him shirtless I would love you forever.



  21. Politicalpartypooper
    January 5, 2010 4:54 pm

    I love how the cheerleaders are all trying to smile, but can only manage a wide “jeeeeezus, it’s freaking cold out here” grimace.



  22. TBD
    January 5, 2010 4:56 pm

    Banjingo and shirtless TG in the same post… awright, we’ll call it a draw!



  23. Summer's Kiss
    January 5, 2010 5:08 pm

    She’s a walking advertisement for Always. A pad with wings, when you’re wearing something that skimpy – really?

    By the by, just heard that BA is indeed fired.



  24. Winsome Lily
    January 5, 2010 5:09 pm

    I suddenly want to watch more football.



  25. bucdaddy
    January 5, 2010 5:16 pm

    “WTF is that on his head? A map to buried treasure? A vagina?”

    Brad Pitt’s beard?

    unsatisfied Says:
    January 5th, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    “I will thank you for posting that pic of the cheerleaders, though — it kind of makes up for the lack of ali mo skin in your previous post.”

    And That’s Church!



  26. Mayor Luke Doggy Dogg
    January 5, 2010 5:40 pm

    Gotta love tha NFL promotin’ coochie shots…

    :)



  27. AModelCitizen
    January 5, 2010 5:46 pm

    re: d. Really really really wish you were in Miami where their snots aren’t in a constant state of frozen due to this:

    is that graphic real??? if so that is the FIRST time I’ve ever seen “sits and spins” in a usable, non-cable, format.



  28. chrys
    January 5, 2010 5:53 pm

    I also wondered WHT was up with Taylor’s hair. My hubby and I just looked at each other and were all like “WTF is that”.. I totally love the Junie B reference.. we read those books often. :)

    I’ve been listening to my hubby bitch about Arians for the last 6 games now..LOL! I’m sure he has already heard about a possible firing and come home feeling vindicated. LOL!

    Those cheerleader shots are just wrong, but when you have grown women wearing uniforms like that.. well you are going to see some ugly things.. I’m kinda hoping it’s just ner “panty hose”.. ick!

    The way I see it, the Pens get better when the Steelers aren’t, so.. thank God Steeler season is over! Also, it sucked being pregnant during this season.. I couldn’t drink the loses away.. ;)



  29. Still A, Fan
    January 5, 2010 5:53 pm

    I laughed out loud at Ike’s hair comments. My wife asked me what was so funny. Well played. You said June B Jones….I was thinking iCarly blindfolded makeover.

    BA should be fired. WHen you need to run out the clock and it’s 3rd and 1 after runs of 5 and 4 and you throw a deep pass on 3rd – you should be fired.

    Also, we need to squash the LeBeau talk. It’s the players, plain and simple. He’s missing Troy and people forget about Aaron Smith who is also a monster at his position in the 3-4. Add to that William Gay starting and it’s not Dick’s fault. He can only coach what he has. It was personnel depth that bit us, not bad coaching on defense. Bruce has been making dumb calls since he’s been here. LeBeau has done nothing but excel until this year. Give the man a break. There is a reason the defense was bad this year and nobody is blaming LeBeau. There are some pigs you just can’t put enough lipstick on.



  30. pghgeorge
    January 5, 2010 6:39 pm

    I thought I was watching the same exact game every week. Except against the losing teams, where I thought I was watching the last week’s game in reverse with the planet spinning backward and the rivers flowing the opposite way, and Tomlin was busy eating a Rita’s Ice, and Ben looking for a razor and Gaye all penlaty me, and Skippy all….oh nevermind….et al.



  31. Summer
    January 5, 2010 6:45 pm

    OMG, more TG, yes pleasez!

    And I feel so bad for that poor cheerleader. You KNOW she didn’t go to work expecting a zoom lense up the crotch.



  32. Mulrooney
    January 5, 2010 7:34 pm

    MY mom said that BA was out



  33. Chris
    January 5, 2010 7:51 pm

    My family too let out a collective WTF at Ike Taylor’s hair. Perhaps you can do some further research into that for us? I’m wondering if it’s the Map from a recent Dora the Explorer episode??



  34. Cassie
    January 5, 2010 7:54 pm

    Wow. That photo (not the chick one, however that was interesting, too.) was hot. HOT.



  35. facie
    January 5, 2010 8:30 pm

    Those photos for 3 remind me why I am so glad the Steelers don’t have cheerleaders. However, I did like the Flashdancers (The Maulers’ cheerleaders). Somehow they were okay.

    Thanks for the rest of the eye candy, though!



  36. Angela (Steel51_Guins29)
    January 5, 2010 9:25 pm

    Ginny, I love you. I had to read much of that out loud to other half because it was THAT funny.

    The only good thing about no playoffs/SB hopes is that now I can use my weekends to work on my upcoming Steeler wedding to other half. We are, no joke, doing a black & gold theme w/ black bridesmaids dresses and gold vested/tied groomsman; my engagement ring is a three-stone with a blue diamond/yellow saphire/red ruby; our bands are celtic; and we are honeymooning in Ireland. We are so Steelers it make Baltimorons (we live here now) cry. Baltimore is so losing to the Pats, BTW.

    Agreed TG is the YUM, MW is the YUM (oh & our ring bearer will have a MW-like faux-hawk!), and BR loves cheesecake like CH loves fluffernutters.

    I will miss shouting “SLUTS FOR SKIPPY!” everytime Jeff puts one through the uprights. =(



  37. Jmat
    January 5, 2010 9:25 pm

    Dick LeBeau is the guy that should be fired.
    That was some defense he coordinated.
    Alas I suppose he is an untouchable no matter how awful his defense is.



  38. NW Joe
    January 5, 2010 9:34 pm

    The Steelers will be back. With a healthy Troy and Aaron Smith, they are one of the best 3 or 4 teams in the AFC.

    The bad taste from this year will linger and drive them next year. HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO!!!



  39. Vivian formerly NY Luvs Pitts
    January 5, 2010 9:42 pm

    @ Jmat
    You are right the defense messed up this season.



  40. SusanV
    January 5, 2010 9:52 pm

    This may have been the funniest WTWRT I’ve read yet! My husband and I were literally snorting our chili out our noses.

    And I also thought the same thing about Ike Taylor’s head.

    Those are some LOVELY cheerleader shots. Wow.



  41. HorseshoeBend
    January 5, 2010 10:21 pm

    (4) Mis – think blue lagoon – Christopher Atkins ikes. Hope Tyler GrizzleHam has more talent than that.



  42. Clementine
    January 5, 2010 10:50 pm

    Tyler’s abs are fantabulousnomnom and thank you very much! If that’s the result of the “ikei” program, I think Benny needs to check it out. Pronto. Maybe they have some cheek crunches he can do.

    And I just typed a comment about that pantyliner cootchie pic, but I had to erase it. Too disturbing. Anybody ever watch Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team? Kelli would’ve kicked that gal off the squad by now.

    RIP Steelers 2009 Season. I’m done with you.



  43. Jill
    January 6, 2010 5:54 am

    @mis Grisham has a Ryan Kwanten (True Blood) vibe about him.

    http://www.imdb.com/media/rm47024896/nm0477127



  44. CrashJK
    January 6, 2010 6:18 am

    Welcome all bandwagon Pens fans…watch your step was you board the LET’S GO PENS bus, don’t trip on your Stillers scarf as climb on. Please have all Mellon Arena ticket takers on the lookout for Tomlin and keep his bad mojo arse out of the Arena. Note to Troyus – the Pens play hurt until they can’t move and need surgery, then they are back in two months (ie – Kunitz). ymmv…

    LET’S GO PENS

    PS – and the Stillers SO NEED some Cheerleaders – yummy stuff.



  45. Magnus Patris
    January 6, 2010 9:30 am

    Hi honey, whadja do at work today?
    Well I had a staff meeting, submitted my expense reports and had to Photoshop the maxi-pad out of a cheerleader crotch shot. Pretty typical day in the office.



  46. Monty
    January 6, 2010 9:46 am

    For anyone curious about where that cheerleader went wrong…

    http://www.ehow.com/how_2285166_handle-period-cheerleading.html



  47. bucdaddy
    January 6, 2010 10:06 am

    “the Pirates, who could clearly use new ownership, management,”

    I can live with you calling them the scurvy dogs of suckitude because, well, they are. And this year’s team will suck too, maybe a little less than last year but it sure doesn’t look like a winner.

    But they just GOT new ownership and management just two years ago, and those people appear to have a plan in place, a plan that doesn’t at the moment include throwing tons of money at washed-up ballplayers in a futile attempt to appease the fans, like the PREVIOUS ownership and management did. And when you inherit a team with a system as bad as the Pirates’ was two years ago, maybe you should get a little more than two years to show what you can do before people start calling for your head on a pike?

    I know they suck. We know they suck. I understand that. But calling for new ownership and management (wait … it occurs to me that maybe you were joking … nah, prolly not) at this point is ignorant of the direction and progress the present ownership and management are taking and making.

    Cut ’em a break.



  48. efw_west
    January 6, 2010 10:33 am

    I guess I don’t understand what Bruce Arians had to do with losing 4th quarter leads against the Raiders, Chiefs, etc. I know it may be considered sacrilege, but why isn’t LeBeau under more scrutiny?



  49. LaReina
    January 6, 2010 10:55 am

    oldnorthsider: >>>>not politically correct to compare the 9th ward to a vagina.

    How about a anus?



  50. toni
    January 6, 2010 11:36 am

    I second the Christopher Atkins “Blue Lagoon” look alike for Tyler.

    Here’s a link to pic:

    http://nashsmom.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/christopher-atkins-blue-lagoon-photograph-c10103280.jpeg