If I was going to make fun of the local news and their OMG WE ARE ALL GOING TO BE BURIED ALIVE UNDER FOUR INCHES OF SNOW shenanigans, I would probably write a post and make up fake news video dialogue that goes something like this:
News Anchor: Yeah, Patrice, I’m standing here in Giant Eagle’s parking lot, and as you can see, this impending 4 inches of snow we’re due to get over the next 48 to 72 hours has created gridlock in the parking lot.
Random Yinzer Man: It’s crazy! CRAZY DO YOU HEAR ME! I NEED TOILET PAPER, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. AND MAYBE SOME CHEESE! I DON’T KNOW! CRAZY! [runs frantically into the store with arms flailing in the air]
News anchor: That gridlock is a result of masses of frantic residents descending on their local grocery stores to stock up on what they need to survive this night without feasting on each other’s frozen bodies.
Random Yinzer Woman: [lethargically] Yeah, lessee, I bought some lunch meat, some soup, some crackers, some tampons, some bread, some batteries, some lottery scratch off tickets, a coupla kinds of cheese, two kinds of milk — [random yinzer man comes running out of the store with a pack of toilet paper held valiantly up in the air and races off camera]
News anchor: As you can see, it’s going to be quite a night here in Pittsburgh as we hunker down for four to, God forbid, EIGHT inches of snow. If I may just say, may God have mercy on our souls. Back to you.
Here’s the best part, I only made about HALF of that up!
Awesome.
Category: Local media, Weather |
January 8, 2010
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Cnik Says:
I often wonder if any emergency responder ever came across a skeleton surrounded by empty egg and milk containers.
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DG Says:
The weatehr forecasters MUST be on Giant Eagle’s pay roll, or have their retirment plans heavily invested in its stock. For crying out loud.
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Schuyler Says:
I was just waiting for that woman to list tampons as she rattled off her ‘must-haves.’ There is nothing that I can’t get along without for a few days (and if there is, I have plenty of it!!).
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bluzdude Says:
It’s like Burghers have forgotten that Pittsburgh gets snow every year; often times, a lot of it.
And it always kills me how people have to rush out for eggs, bread, and toilet paper… like the only thing they have to do in a snowstorm is eat egg sandwiches and poop.
Doesn’t anyone keep freakin’ groceries on hand any more?
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Sooska Says:
These situations always make me think of Jimmy Krenn and Scott Paulsen’s bit about Mindy Mathers, N’At Man, Robert and Mayor Schmurphy and how Mindy, the weather girl, secretly owned stock in companies making bread, milk and toilet paper and she predicted a snow storm in July and she made a killing. It also included a bit about how the men liked to watch local news to see the “cute girl out by the salt pile.”
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C.S. Keys Says:
More media-inspired fear of snow = less people on the roads during my commute to and from work. Carry on.
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Nate Says:
I was sorta hoping for the other half of the story being true…
And don’t knock the impact that this has on the local economy. Everyone knows the local news meteorological teams are in Big Toilet Paper’s pocket. Kickbacks galore.
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BIGGEORGE Says:
I think bluzdude is right. People don’t have enough money to keep themselves stocked in groceries.
When I visited my sister in the past she always had lots of food on hand. Now, not so much. She stops on the way home from work to pick things up to make for dinner. Don’t want any extra to go to waste!
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Nick Says:
I hear a woman on Channel 4 yesterday say “I’m buying two gallons of milk just in case is snows tonight. This way the kids will have their milk in the morning.” Does her family usually go through a whole gallon on milk in one night for it not to last until morning? WTF??
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Magnus Patris Says:
When I lived outside of DC, they’d go in to panic mode when it RAINED! An actual quote I remember from Topper, the weather midget there was, “…the rain will cause treacherous driving conditions because there will be wet leaves on local roads.” WET LEAVES?!?! Call out the National Guard! Oh wait, they DID! They also closed school in the entire DC area one year for two days because of the THREAT of “precipitation”. It rained for about an hour. I’ll take 8 inches in Pittsburgh any day. Oh, that’s what she said.
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HorseshoeBend Says:
4.) It’s funny you should mention that cause I went to McDonalds this morning in the snow and had an egg mcmuffin/sandwich and when I got home I..Never mind….
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John in the Rocks Says:
The selective amnesia of everyone who lives in this city astounds me. It’s like people forget what snow is and how to drive in it. Do these people have no food or toiletries in their houses that they have to run out to buy milk and TP when we get more than a few inches of show? Do these people really think the amount of snow we get around here is a lot? They should move to Buffalo or upstate New York where they get at least twice the amount of snow we get.
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Mikey B Says:
Several years ago, I worked at Sam’s Club. Every time it snowed we sold out of toilet paper, bread, and milk. If it snowed again in 3 days, the same people came back in for their toilet paper, bread, and milk. Since Sam’s Club sells toilet paper in 30-roll packages, we can deduce that snow must act as a laxative for many people.
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oldgraymare Says:
The best part about this story is that Trina Orlando is originally from Erie! 4 to 8 inches is just a dusting up here.
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red pen mama Says:
What @C.S. Keys said.
@MikeyB: Or they were selling on the black (white?) market to their neighbors who didn’t run out for tp, etc.
Me? I’m getting a case of beer and ordering two pizzas. (I’ve got four adults and six kids to feed tonight. Yes, we’re having guests. My brother and SIL are not afraid to drive to Moon all the way from Squirrel Hill. God bless them.)
ciao,
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Bojack Says:
Lived in Tahoe where 1ft snow not even reported or noticed.
A special circle of Hell tho is 5-6 FEET snowfall (1986,) think about that, you’re not shoveling off your path, it’s tunneling!
Took out power, gas, and roads for 3 days, back to HELL,
fellow hostage (not romantic) was country music nut and the ONLY functioning battery radio was his!!
Think Jack Nicholson in the Shining!! LOL
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Joe K. Says:
I have never seen less bread on the shelf than on Wednesday. I hope we can all make it through this fierce winter weather . . .
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Clementine Says:
OMG, these comments are hysterical.
“I often wonder if any emergency responder ever came across a skeleton surrounded by empty egg and milk containers.”
No, but I think one of my coworkers is at home right now, hiding under her bed. Clutching a 30-roll pack of TP. Rocking and moaning.
She spent most of yesterday talking about how she would call 911, if her child got sick and she couldn’t drive (he’s perfectly healthy, by the way). And the day before, it was all about how she needed to brave the roads to get toilet paper. She left both days at noon.
She lives 5 miles from our office. I live 35 miles from our office. She called off, and I’m enjoying the blessed silence.
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Monty Says:
The only advice I’ve ever taken about snow was from Frank Zappa.
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PA Girl in VA Says:
Wow, that sounds EXACTLY like a real newscast here in Virginia Beach when flurries are forecasted! The only thing missing was the lengthy list of school closings. No kidding, folks!
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LuAnn Says:
@Monty (#19): and very sage advice that is!
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Johnaz6312 Says:
Have I mentioned lately that I live in Arizona and it is in the 70′s here again today? Hey I just did!
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Bojack Says:
@JohnAZ-
Hey putz!!! Then why aren’t you out on the golf course??
I’ll be thinking ’bout you in July when it’s 117 !! HAHA
Oh, don’t bother tellin’ me it’s “dry” heat, I lived in Tucson.
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Johnaz6312 Says:
Golf is boring, would rather watch paint dry. Much more exciting!! I’ll take 117 any day over 6 to 8 inches of snow. Lived in the burgh for 35 years, I know what I’m talking about!!
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KAD Says:
OMG, these comments were hilarious. Seriously, though, it’s Pittsburgh, it’s winter, it snows. And, when is the last time, we truly had a significant snowstorm (like 20 plus inches)? Oh Gosh, I just had a flashback of a teacher in high school proudly wearing her “I survived the Blizzard of ’92″ sweatshirt on a field trip.
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SC 'Burgher Says:
That’s bad, but not as bad as the 2 hour delay at two coastal South Carolina school districts this morning – due to the CHANCE of snow flurries after midnight. The snow flurries, by the way, that never happened.
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Jen Says:
@ bluzdude #4…could not stop laughing in my cube at work. I may never look at an egg sandwich the same again! You never cease to crack me up! On another note, I went to Community Market today for pop so I had something to go with the vodka i bought, you know the essentials needed for a snowstorm, and even their pop was running low!
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sleepgh Says:
Did anyone else notice that aside from Trina and Ken, the majority of people in that video had horrible teeth? must be from too much milk and bread.
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Ginny's Dad Says:
For as long as I can remember, a panic would set in when a snow storm was coming. Store shelves were depleted in hours. You would think we were living in the North Pole and a blizzard was imminent. But people must be more health-conscious during these impending “disasters”. I went to Giant Eagle last night to get broccoli and cauliflower (Princess Aurora wants to make some deep-fried concoction) and there was plenty of milk and bread but only a few small bunches of broccoli and no cauliflower! Maybe everyone watched the same cooking show on the Food Channel that we did.
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Matt Says:
Schyler — Tampons are no longer on anyone’s list of emergency supplies, thanks to Ginny’s repeated endorsements of the black and gold hand crocheted reusable variety.
Speaking of snow hysteria elsewhere, the rumor of snow flurries in central Florida tonight sent the orange juice futures price through the roof. Better add that to your Giant Eagle list.
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MickeyB Says:
Remember, it is better to have too much bread than have too much toilet paper. In an extreme emergency, you can always use bread as toilet paper but you can never use toilet paper as bread.
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PittinDC Says:
At least it isn’t as bad as the DC Metro area. All of the schools had a two hour delay today. We got one inch of snow down here. I do think that those 2 feet that we got in December have everyone terrified it is going to happen again though
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Heather Says:
“hunker down” haha!
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Politicalpartypooper Says:
We just got a dozen inches yesterday and into last night. First, we got seven inches with the storm, and then an hour later, we got the start of a Lake Effect snow which dumped another five inches on us. Awesome!
I love blowing snow into swirling wind! I love not knowing when said wind is going to gust, and blow that snow right back into my face! That totally rocks!
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SpudMom Says:
The antics of native Pittsburghers in a snow storm always cracks me up. I grew up in Michigan and learned to drive in weather that would curl your hair. To quote “Ghostbusters” – “I’ve seen shit that’ll turn you WHITE!”
The idea that a few inches of snow – you know, that thing that happens EVERY. WINTER.- would shut down the city and deplete the store shelves the way that it does is just mind boggling to me.
People around here need to learn to a)keep groceries in the house or buy in bulk and b) learn the fine art of the controlled slide when driving on snowy roads.
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butcher's dog Says:
Well into our second winter in SC of laughing-our-asses-off at local news winter advisories and premature school delays and cancellations. Laugh at wimpy burgers if you will, but we could all show these guys down here what real winter is.
Meanwhile, any Erie-ite reading this is cackling.
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Monty Says:
MickeyB — You better hope you have something other than jalapeno bread during the next extreme emergency.
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Mikey B Says:
Amen to that Monty!
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Margie Says:
I can hear Dee Thompson saying “It was Panda-Lerium down n’at da Dirty Bird. ”
Shopping before a snow storm is like people slowing down to go through the Tubes. I guess it’s a Burgh thing.
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PA girl trapped in VA Says:
It sounds like what we go through down here when we have a tropical storm or hurricane coming through, that will probably miss us, because N.C – as I say – protects us. Still crazy people running around buying water, batteries, bread and I am sure some black N gold tampons to get them through the big storm. Of course you have our great TV News channel on there interviewing the dumbest person they can find. Oh, it’s great. I feel for you guys.
However, it’s F–ing freezing down here…I want the snow to go with it. Enjoy the world coming to an end up there.
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silicasandra Says:
I spent much of my childhood in Ontario and upstate New York, so I know what real snow is. I also know, however, that smart municipalities who expect snow every winter have an army of snowplows. I have no idea how many Pittsburgh has, but it’s definitely not enough. Especially since people have no idea how to drive in it. I have an 11-year-old little car with all-weather tires, without four wheel drive, and I have never been stuck in the snow (here – twice altogether, both during blizzard conditions in upstate NY).
I also keep necessities on hand, and avoid grocery stores like the plague when there’s even a hint of bad weather.
Though I will say, as a teacher, I didn’t mind the nice surprise of not having to go to school today – but maybe not having to drive an hour to get there makes it a little sweeter…
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Luke Steelerstahl Says:
Yinz guys is all faggots. Suck it up losers. No money in the budget for plows, salt, or fancy road clearin’ devices.
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spoon Says:
On behalf of all transplanted erie-ites now living in the greater Pittsburgh area let me say “learn to fucking drive”. The majority of yinzerr nation wouldn’t last 1 afternoon in an erie snowfall. Hell my mom has 3 ft in her backyard and shrugged it off. It’s been snowing here every winter for over 250 years, learn to adapt or move south… ohh wait, ppl there are screwed too. Stay home until march then.
Now, about the media. Can I make a request, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD please stop with the cleaning off of cars to represent snow fall. Amber Nicotra, you need to stay indoors. Cleaning off a spot in the parking lot and then saying “LOOK ITS COVERED.” Well no shit, ITS SNOWING! Are you showing depth of the snow? no.
WPXI did it great when they cut to a live shot in Cranberry and the roads were clear and no snow was falling. That’s when batshit speedball Peggy Finnegan did a “Well looks like Cranberry is getting it bad now.” Yeah, real bad, there might be.. MOISTURE! Hey pegs, just make out with DJ and get it over with. Right there on the desk. hot monkey love.
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Clementine Says:
My favorite was Ross Guidotti measuring the snowfall with a pen… and (drumroll, please) the snow had reached the TOP OF THE CAP! That’s one of the seven signs of the apocalypse, right?
How about a drinking game? Every time a reporter cleans snow off a car! And if you watch a lot of morning news before heading off to work, please take the bus
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scott r priester Says:
I agree with you spoon, but don’t limit the poor driving skills of Pittsburghers to snowy situations. They are poor drivers period. Erie drivers know how to properly enter a highway from an on ramp. Erie drivers don’t wait until the last minute to merge. And Erie drivers know multiple routes to their destinations.
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Craig Says:
You gotta love that Trina’s name (in the video) is Orlando!
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Bojack Says:
@ Scott R. Priester-
But they don’t know how to drive a moving van, out of Erie!!
Hey Scott- BLOW ME!!!!
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Scott R Priester Says:
“Blow me”………orignal, congratulations.
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Bojack Says:
@ Scott R. Priester-
You don’t rate original, loser!!
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Weekly Twitter updates from 2010-01-11 | David J. Pryke Says:
[...] was just thinking this on the way to work this morning. @JanePitt's post: http://thatschurch.com/2010/01/08/the-day-after-tomorrow-ii/ [...]
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Kate Says:
OMG, this is so funny! In Georgia they run to the market for coke,dog food..not small bags but the 250 lb bags! They clean out the bread section and how could one survive without milk! Frozen bodies…heck yes!
