If I was going to make fun of the local news and their OMG WE ARE ALL GOING TO BE BURIED ALIVE UNDER FOUR INCHES OF SNOW shenanigans, I would probably write a post and make up fake news video dialogue that goes something like this:
News Anchor: Yeah, Patrice, I’m standing here in Giant Eagle’s parking lot, and as you can see, this impending 4 inches of snow we’re due to get over the next 48 to 72 hours has created gridlock in the parking lot.
Random Yinzer Man: It’s crazy! CRAZY DO YOU HEAR ME! I NEED TOILET PAPER, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. AND MAYBE SOME CHEESE! I DON’T KNOW! CRAZY! [runs frantically into the store with arms flailing in the air]
News anchor: That gridlock is a result of masses of frantic residents descending on their local grocery stores to stock up on what they need to survive this night without feasting on each other’s frozen bodies.
Random Yinzer Woman: [lethargically] Yeah, lessee, I bought some lunch meat, some soup, some crackers, some tampons, some bread, some batteries, some lottery scratch off tickets, a coupla kinds of cheese, two kinds of milk — [random yinzer man comes running out of the store with a pack of toilet paper held valiantly up in the air and races off camera]
News anchor: As you can see, it’s going to be quite a night here in Pittsburgh as we hunker down for four to, God forbid, EIGHT inches of snow. If I may just say, may God have mercy on our souls. Back to you.
Here’s the best part, I only made about HALF of that up!