Sunday was supposed to be No-Pants Subway Ride day all across the world, and because you are a sane person, you have just said, “WTF?”
I’ll tell you WTF.
It is what it sounds like — take off your pants and ride the subway. The annual stunt, organized by Improv Everywhere, a troupe whose motto is “We Cause Scenes,” has been a success in New York City for years. It is the stuff of YouTube dreams.
This year, the Improv Everywhere Web site linked to No Pants Subway Rides advertised on Facebook and Craigslist in more than 40 cities, from Buenos Aires to Buffalo, N.Y.
Pittsburgh’s No Pants Subway Ride was a giant FAIL because only three girls showed up and chickened out and even the person who organized it didn’t take her pants off, because she claimed she couldn’t find the others.
1. I want to be all hip and happening and trendy and relevant and say this is so cool, and maybe write a poem about it that includes me standing on a smoky stage, snapping my fingers at various intervals all, “Pants. Pants. Subway. Window. No pants. Freedom. Peace. No pants. [snap].” but really, I’m thinking, “This is kinda dumb.” But you know I love me some flash mobs. And I love me some Chachi who invented “Pants Status” on twitter.
But this, I roll my eyes at.
2. According to the Facebook page (read the second wall post for a good chuckle), the point of this stunt is “to make people laugh” and the way they planned to “make people laugh” was thus: get on the subway, remove your pants and place them in your bag or purse, do not talk to anyone else on the subway who is not wearing pants, act like taking off your pants on the subway is natural, keep a straight face, ride the subway sans pants, get off the subway.
Hilarity however WOULD ensue if this improv group were to re-create the subway scene from Adventures in Babysitting. My God, I’d LOVE that.
“Don’t f#*k with the Lords of Hell.”
“Don’t f#*k with the babysitter.”
3. If you calmly remove your pants on the subway, I am going to assume you are either crazy or a terrorist. True story. I mean, if you’re frantically ripping your pants off, I can safely assume you have a creepy crawling bug of some sort in your pants and by all means, get that son of a bitch out of there even if you have to strip to your skivvies, but if you’re calm about the public removal of your pants, that’s bad news.
And if fifty people on the subway remove their pants, I’m going to assume all the crazy people have some subway-accessible place they gotta be, or that there are about to be 50 pants bombs exploding shortly. Either way, I’m outta there even if I have to use my spidey senses to escape through a skylight.
4. This is a huge success in San Francisco and New York and other cities in which hundreds of people proudly ride the subway without pants, and because it was a huge fail here in Pittsburgh, one of the would-be participants said, “I’m very disappointed, Pittsburgh.”
But I’m all, “Well done, Pittsburgh.” I’d rather be known for the Point Park kind of flash mob than this one:
Sweet Jesus, some of those people should NEVER take their pants off in public, I don’t care if there’s a tarantula in their pants slathering barbecue sauce on their inner thigh. Keep your pants on, tough it out and hop off the subway stop closest to an ER.
In her e-mail message, Ms. Lucas said she was re-organizing the event.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again, right?” she wrote.
There are only a couple of ways I can see this succeeding in Pittsburgh and they both involve Tyler Grisham and iJustine (a person who loves cheeseburgers as much as she does should not be permitted to have a body that banging).
[insert stripper music here]