Monthly Archives: February 2010

[quack]

Imagine you’re a prairie woman in a town in the wild west, and since I suck at history and estimating centuries, let’s just say the time of Jesse James, so 1700s? 1800s?  Whatever.

Anyway, imagine you head to town for some … flour?  A rake? Twenty pounds of brown sugar? A dress with puffed sleeves?

You are walking through town when a man standing atop a wooden box on the side of the dirt road begins calling to the lady townsfolk and says things like, “Gather ’round, ladies! Gather ’round!  Are you tired of being fat?  Are you tired of the constant pain in your side from your corset?  What if I told you that in this little box right here is a magic potion, a simple sprinkle of which onto your food will help you get as thin as the town tramps?!”

You’d be all, “Pshaw!” right?  I know I would be.

So you can imagine why I’m all PSHAW and [quack!] at this:

Alan Hirsch is a doctor who has been researching the sense of smell for 25 years. He said 90 percent of what we describe as taste is actually smell.

I refuse to believe that.  If I have to eat salmonloaf and I hold my nose as hard as I can, I still taste WAY more than 10% of that nastiness.  But I’m not a doctor, so maybe I’m wrong.

Hirsch is the director of the Smell and Taste Institute in Chicago. Channel 4 Action News’ Michelle Wright reported he developed a new weight loss program called Sensa. People following the program sprinkle crystals called tastents on whatever they eat. The crystals are supposed to satisfy your sense of smell, which satisfies your appetite more quickly, helping you lose weight.

Sensa sounds as quacky as Alli, which if you recall is a pill that will give you the runny poops if you eat more than 14 grams of fat in one meal.

Hirsch offered Wright three other tips for using your nose to help you lose weight:

  • Eat slowly and take the time to smell your food for more satisfaction
  • Improve your workouts by having a bowl of strawberries or buttered popcorn nearby as the scent brings energy.
  • Have fewer smells on your plate, which means less variety of food.

Let me address these one by one:

1.  I understand the eating slower thing is scientifically accurate, but for me?  If you put a plate of General Tsos chicken in front of me, it doesn’t matter how fast or how slow I eat it or if I sniff each bite before I put it in my mouth, I will eat it all.

2.  If I put a bowl of strawberries or buttered popcorn on my fireplace mantle while I exercise, all that will happen is I will finish my workout as fast as I can so that I can eat some popcorn and strawberries.

3.  Well that’s just stupid.

Honestly, the only way I can see something like this actually working is if the stuff you sprinkle on your food makes your food taste and smell like poop.

[gasp!]

I’m going to be SO RICH. And thin.





Earning the “sus”

(source)

Not to get all preachy on your asses, but have you ever noticed how shitty people can be?

Like, there are people in this world who when faced with two choices of 1. be a negative asshole and 2. DON’T be a negative asshole, they will always choose number 1.  It doesn’t matter if they’re reading a blog, waiting for some pedestrians to cross a street, or if they’re being accosted for autographs.  “THIS IS A STUPID BLOG BUT I’M GOING TO KEEP READING IT JUST SO I CAN CONTINUE TO TELL YOU HOW STUPID YOU ARE!” “HURRY UP, CRIPPLED LADY!” “EFF OFF, KIDS!”

Then there are those people who seem to be incapable of being a negative asshole and one of those people is Troysus Polamalu.

[chorus of angels vocalizing]

This story appears first in Arizona where it happened and has since been picked up by the boys at 96.1 and by my colleague over at Pittsburgh Magazine, Sean Conboy.

Go read what Troysus did for some kids, the most important part being this:

And then Polamalu had a better idea.  He gathered up some of the kids and headed outside for a game of pick-up football.

They got to play a pickup game of football with Troysus Polamalu for more than 30 minutes, which, had I been there, we would not have started that game without a long discussion of why it is vital that we play shirts versus skins and why it is crucial to the survival of all that is good and decent and nom-tastic in this world that Troysus be on the skins team.

[sigh]

Listen, I understand Troy Polamalu is human (?) and that he has faults (?) and that he can’t possibly be perfect (?).  I’m just saying that in the six years I’ve been blogging, in all the emails I have received from readers telling me about negative encounters they’ve had with various local celebrities, in all the rumors I’ve heard about certain Steelers and local politicians and newscasters, in all the swirling muck of human weakness, never once has anyone written me to let me know that that Troy Polamalu guy is a real negative asshole.

That’s gotta count for something.

Also, it looks warm there in Arizona, so I’d just like to end this post by saying, once again, EFF THIS WINTER.





Random n’at

1.  I’m posting this Random n’at sooner than I had planned because apparently the naked belly of a fat man is enough to get me lots of angry, “YOU ARE SO MEAN!” tweets and more than a few, “I just threw up in my mouth, you big jerkface!” comments.

Poor Casey.  No one wants to see his furry blubber belly with its all-seeing bellybutton eye.

If you look directly at it long enough, it will totally blink at you.

If you need eye bleach, go here or here.

2.  Pittsburgh Magazine interviewed my new fake YouTube boyfriend Colin Sander.

PM: What were people’s reactions to seeing you roaming the city in ski gear?
C.S.: Actually, when we finally got to the bottom of Mt. Washington we had to go over train tracks and military crawl under some bushes to get back out onto the road, so finally we stumbled into a parking lot dead tired, and the first thing we heard was a guy yell in this thick Pittsburgh accent, “Hey, Seven Springs is that way!”

Hee.

Also, step off, ladies.

3.  I’m such a Burgh fan-girl because every time I see the skyline in the trailer for “She’s Out of My League” I go, “I totally know that city in real life.”

Here’s a part that pisses me off though.

Do you know how many times and for how many minutes I have sat in that tunnel waiting for a freaking polar bear to so much as dip its toenail into the water, only to leave disappointed and with a sneaking suspicion that as soon as I walked away, the polar bears began a rousing game of Marco Polo?

(h/t Agent Ska)

4.  Are you sitting down?  Are you sitting down on the World’s Greatest Pittsburgh Potty in the Universe of the World?  Oh, that we were so lucky.  Check it out.

Who bought this house?  Can I come visit your potty and maybe get its autograph?

5.  Eyetique’s little local Boy Meets Girl series has intrigued me, particularly because I noticed the lead female looks a heck of a lot like this model.  Also, now I want new glasses.

6.  A local girl, Tiffany Martin is trying to win the 2010 World Traveler internship from STA Travel.  Go throw her a quick vote! Maybe she’ll take us all with her!

7. Best billboard ever.

How long until a naked PETA supporter chains herself to that billboard in protest only to find herself being shat upon by the very pigeons she’s trying to save?

(h/t Michele, Katie, CHARLES!, M.E. and Nick)

8.  Reader Bryan is shaving his head for St. Baldrick’s too! He’s only raised $20.00 so far, so if you have two or three or five dollars to send his way … IT’S FOR SICK KIDS!

9.  Speaking of knowing bastards.  If you don’t believe that pigeons are in fact KNOWING bastards, then please explain to me how this pigeon boarded a subway, does not panic ONE LITTLE BIT while the subway is moving and instead sort of just walks around staring down passengers all, “I KNOW.  I KNOW.” and then calmly walks off the subway because, well, it’s his stop.

YouTube Preview Image

That’s the most terrifying video I’ve ever seen.

(h/t Charles, Mike, Jonathan, and other people whose emails have since been sucked into the abyss that is my email archive)

10.  Let’s wrap this up with a What The Effie, shall we?

if ya not fat,married,amish,ugly,or recently won at a bingo festival , you can holla .”

If you read that in the voice of Luke Ravenstahl, it becomes extra awesome.





Fantamatasticitude

Good news, Steeler fans!

This fluffernutter-loving, jiggling, wiggling ball of nose-tackling blubber is ours for the next three years thanks to a deal he’ll sign with the Steelers.

Apparently by coming to terms with Casey Cabbage Patch Baby Cici Donna Hampton, the Steelers do not need to place the franchise tag on him, which we would talk about here if I had a freaking clue what that means.  But I don’t.  I never have.  Even when I wiki it and even when people try to explain this “franchise tag” bullshit to me, I still couldn’t explain it to you without using fake words like “transinformplementational.”

It’s like my brain rejects this information.  It absorbs information about snowboard cross rules, and how to make the perfect meatloaf, and even the mating habits of dinosaurs, but as soon as my brain hears “franchise tag,” it goes all, “LALALALALA- I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

That said, the Post-Gazette reports that the Steelers will probably use their franchise tag on Jeff Reed, or that perhaps they’ll use their “transition” tag on him.  And now my brain is all, “THERE’S A TRANSITION TAG, TOO?!?!”

Forget the stuff I don’t understand.  There are two important simple things you need to know:

1.  We’re going to have Casey Hampton and Jeff Reed around as blog fodder for at least another year.

2.  Casey Hampton is fat; these guys are not.

Vintage Daniel Sepulveda and Tyler Grisham in their college days.

Where’s the “abpecbiceptasticnomnomizational” tag?





The first pep talk of the year!

Know what we don’t talk about enough around here? Little Debbie Swiss Rolls.

Boy are those delicious.

But besides that, we don’t talk enough about the Buccos of Suckitude and they’re down there in sunny Florida talking like THIS IS THE YEAR.  They believe!  Look at them up there, just doin’ the twist like they’re trying to screw themselves into the ground.

And you know me, every year I start out telling you guys, “THIS IS THE YEAR!” and I spend March and April forcibly pulling you kicking and screaming onto the bandwagon with me and then June rolls around and I’m watching you jump off with nary a tuck or a roll or a thought for you own safety as you try to abandon the suck as quickly as you can, and then by August, I’ve bonfired the bandwagon and rolled her into the Mon and I write a rant on here wherein I use the word “suck” about 80 times.  Every. single. year.

Here we are, staring down March and an 18th season of being losers and the laughingstock of professional sports, and Burghers?  THIS IS THE YEAR!

Let’s do a wave, starting with you there on the left in the pants.

But I’m not the only one convinced this is the year.

Coonelly told the players on hand in Pirate City that this will be the group that “turns this franchise around.”

“We are in no way, shape or form willing to sacrifice 2010,” he added. “In fact, that was one of the points that I made to the players [Tuesday]: ‘Don’t let people tell you that the Pirates have a great future, but it’s not today.’ Today is our future. 2010 is the beginning of the next dynasty of the Pirates, for me.”

You guys, you guys, stop laughing.  First, who are these optimistic people telling the Pirates they have a great future?  Is it you Tony Robbins?

It could totally happen. This could be the year!  This could be the beginning of … A DYNASTY!

Where’s that wave?  You there in the glasses, drinking the diet soda!  WAVE!

Even Brandon Moss thinks this is the year!

“I know they brought in a lot of guys. I want to be on this team. And I want to be a main part of this team. And I want to be here when we turn this around, you know?”

Is he talking about turning the Hokey Pokey around?  NO!  Is he talking about turning the beat around?  NO!  This ball player who I’m pretty sure batted .100 last year, is talking about turning this stinkin’ sinkin’ scurvy-riddled ship around and sailing it away from the sucking, Dyson-like pull of Davy Jones’ locker and toward A DYNASTIC FUTURE!

If this was August and I was being my usual late-summer negative self, I’d say something like, “So, if he wants to be here when they turn the team around, he might want to look into cryonics.”

But it’s February.  Almost March. April awaits.  I’m going to start the year off positively, convinced that that twisting group of guys up there are the Pirates capable of corking the suck.

Who’s hopping up on the bandwagon with me?!

Anyone? Anyone? Zober?