1. Um, girls. Sit down. I need to tell you that the MOTHER of one of my self-united husbands sent me an email. A PIGEON EMAIL! And she referred to herself as my “self-united mother-in-law.”
Also, here’s what she sent me, a picture of a bumper sticker she saw and said she immediately thought of me:
As awesome as that bumper sticker is, you know that when your self-united mother-in-law sends you something, YOU POST IT, even if she sends you a picture of a bar of soap. You post it and you be all, “THIS IS THE BEST BAR OF SOAP EVER! LOOK AT THE INTRICATE MEANDERING PATH OF THE GREEN SWIRL! GO SOAP!”
2. The Englishman that went up a hill and came down a mountain and started talking in his sleep so his awesome wife started writing down the stuff he said is ALSO a believer that pigeons are evil.
Adam has made this point about pigeons to me in the past. It is somehow connected to his theory that pigeons are actually evil beings.
Theory schmeory. It’s a frickin’ fact. Welcome to my army, sleeping Englishman.
3. Bob Barker is donating the sum of ONE … MILLION … DOLLARS in the fight to outlaw pigeon shoots here in the GREAT state of PA, the last state in which it is still legal to take to a field and murder those knowing bastards in mass numbers. You guys, maybe Bill Belichick ISN’T the Devil! Maybe it’s Bob Barker!
Either way, I received over 30 emails in two days, all related to pigeons, all indicating that I’m regularly gaining loyal anti-pigeon minions. I have no fear of an old guy with a million dollars and a microphone that looks like a child’s twirly baton.
Barker said he believes “the good citizens in Pennsylvania would be embarrassed if they knew in detail just how horrific these pigeon shoots are,” Barker said.
Ehhhhh! Wrong answer. I’m kinda proud.
“These are not hunters. They’re assassins.”
And don’t you forget it, Bob. [awkward ninja assassin moves].
SHARK president Steve Hindi said the money would be used for a media campaign against the gun club. “What you’re going to see is a lot of public outreach by way of billboards,” Hindi said. “We’re also talking about television and radio advertisements.”
Seriously?! What are you going to say on your TV commercials?
“You know those birds that like to shit on your head? The ones that divebomb you if they think you might have a crumb of food on your person? The ones that poop so much they can actually bring down a bridge? The ones that eat vomit off of the street, process that vomit into poo and then poop that poo-vomit combination out of their nasty cloacas and right into your hair? They are being killed right here in Pennsylvania!”
And the crowd goes wild.
And BILLBOARDS!? I cannot wait to see the first “Pigeons are loving animals, not target practice” billboard … completely covered in pigeon poop.
Yes, Alanis, it is ironic.