Pigeon Random n’at.

1.  Um, girls.  Sit down.  I need to tell you that the MOTHER of one of my self-united husbands sent me an email.  A PIGEON EMAIL!  And she referred to herself as my “self-united mother-in-law.”

[thud]

Also, here’s what she sent me, a picture of a bumper sticker she saw and said she immediately thought of me:

As awesome as that bumper sticker is, you know that when your self-united mother-in-law sends you something, YOU POST IT, even if she sends you a picture of a bar of soap.  You post it and you be all, “THIS IS THE BEST BAR OF SOAP EVER!  LOOK AT THE INTRICATE MEANDERING PATH OF THE GREEN SWIRL!  GO SOAP!”

2.  The Englishman that went up a hill and came down a mountain and started talking in his sleep so his awesome wife started writing down the stuff he said is ALSO a believer that pigeons are evil.

Adam has made this point about pigeons to me in the past. It is somehow connected to his theory that pigeons are actually evil beings.

Theory schmeory.  It’s a frickin’ fact. Welcome to my army, sleeping Englishman.

3. Bob Barker is donating the sum of ONE … MILLION … DOLLARS in the fight to outlaw pigeon shoots here in the GREAT state of PA, the last state in which it is still legal to take to a field and murder those knowing bastards in mass numbers.  You guys, maybe Bill Belichick ISN’T the Devil!  Maybe it’s Bob Barker!

[shudder]

Either way, I received over 30 emails in two days, all related to pigeons, all indicating that I’m regularly gaining loyal anti-pigeon minions.  I have no fear of an old guy with a million dollars and a microphone that looks like a child’s twirly baton.

Barker said he believes “the good citizens in Pennsylvania would be embarrassed if they knew in detail just how horrific these pigeon shoots are,” Barker said.

Ehhhhh!  Wrong answer.  I’m kinda proud.

“These are not hunters. They’re assassins.”

And don’t you forget it, Bob.  [awkward ninja assassin moves].

SHARK president Steve Hindi said the money would be used for a media campaign against the gun club. “What you’re going to see is a lot of public outreach by way of billboards,” Hindi said. “We’re also talking about television and radio advertisements.”

Seriously?!  What are you going to say on your TV commercials?

“You know those birds that like to shit on your head?  The ones that divebomb you if they think you might have a crumb of food on your person?  The ones that poop so much they can actually bring down a bridge?  The ones that eat vomit off of the street, process that vomit into poo and then poop that poo-vomit combination out of their nasty cloacas and right into your hair? They are being killed right here in Pennsylvania!”

And the crowd goes wild.

And BILLBOARDS!? I cannot wait to see the first “Pigeons are loving animals, not target practice” billboard … completely covered in pigeon poop.

Yes, Alanis, it is ironic.





29 Comments

  1. bucdaddy
    February 1, 2010 10:22 am

    MOOOOOOM!!! Don’t make me have to disconnect your Internet again.



  2. Chris
    February 1, 2010 10:29 am

    Ummm…are you gonna share what self-united Mother-in-law sent this ??



  3. Virginia
    February 1, 2010 10:31 am

    Chris,

    I’m afraid to! I don’t think she wants me to. But I’ll find out if she’d be cool with that.



  4. butcher's dog
    February 1, 2010 10:35 am

    Is this a tempest in a teapot? You can’t open fire dahntahn, ‘n ‘at. And isn’t that where most of the knowing bastards are? Having a pigeon shoot in a field in, say, Mercer County is pretty futile unless someone’s importing a whole bunch of pigeons as the guests of honor. Bob’s million would be better spent, say, in Haiti. Just sayin’.



  5. bucdaddy
    February 1, 2010 10:43 am

    You can’t open fire dahntahn ‘n ‘at.

    Maybe a few of Pittsburgh’s finest could just beat the poop out of some pigeons then.



  6. Political Party Pooper
    February 1, 2010 10:44 am

    I kill them right in my backyard in good ol Two Rivers, WI. Them…and seagulls.

    Don’t really know which bird I hate more.



  7. Sooska
    February 1, 2010 10:44 am

    I think these shoots would be OK if they rounded up city pigeons for these shoots, but I think they just breed them for this purpose. Am I wrong?

    If they do just breed them, then I think they are just as stupid as the pheasant farms or big game reserve farms that you pay to shoot the animals or birds. Where’s the sport? meh.



  8. Sooska
    February 1, 2010 10:47 am

    BTW You can’t open fire dahntahn, ‘n ‘at. Remember a few years ago when the guy on the roof dahntahn did do that?



  9. Mark
    February 1, 2010 10:50 am

    Let me get this straight, $1,000,000 to fight legal pigeon shooting?

    A: It is *illegal* to shoot pigeons in all the other states? ::scratches head::
    2: one word “Haiti”
    Δ: Isn’t Bob Barker dead? or hanging out with “bathing beauties” or something?



  10. bluzdude
    February 1, 2010 10:55 am

    I’m with Chris… I need to know which SUMIL is cool enough to email you pigeon stuff.



  11. NewBurgher
    February 1, 2010 11:55 am

    >>”This just underscores the need to pass legislation to conclusively ban live pigeon shoots,” she said.<<

    Wouldn't it be kind of pointless to hold *dead* pigeon shoots?



  12. Niccolle
    February 1, 2010 11:56 am

    Speaking of pigeons, I pretty much NEVER see them here in Denver. I mean, I know they have to be somewhere, but I think I’ve seen maybe 10. Anyway, this weekend, I was out walking my dog and there they were, 2 effin pigeons, all chilling on someone’s lawn. I could see them thinking, “Wait for it, wait for it…NO, not yet, she’s not close enough to poop on yet! Waaaaiiiiitttttt….NOW NOW NOW!”
    It sucked.



  13. Biggest Fan
    February 1, 2010 12:12 pm

    “…a microphone that looks like a child’s twirly baton.”

    COTNF: Coffee out the nose funny.



  14. Monty
    February 1, 2010 12:17 pm

    Wow, Bea Arthur sure is dressed to the nines in that picture.



  15. Magnus Patris
    February 1, 2010 12:51 pm

    Just found some marbles on the ground. Bob, did ya loose something?



  16. Tim
    February 1, 2010 12:59 pm

    The mother-in-law thing is just too funny!! LOL



  17. Dani_PA
    February 1, 2010 1:01 pm

    Just so you know, the pigeons come from out of state. They gather up the pigeons, truck them across state lines, and keep them in a box until the shoot starts. So these pigeons have, in all likelihood, not ever shat on you or your loved ones.

    They let ’em rip and the ones that don’t die right away? They set little kids out in the field, who run around wringing their necks. Plus, some of them manage to escape so they’re IMPORTING pigeons to PA.

    It’s not sportsmanship, it’s not exterminating pigeons in any kind of orderly manner, it’s killing things solely for the sake of killing things. THAT’S why it’s illegal in every other state in the country.

    (in full disclosure, my firm lobbied for this bill until the end of December, though i’m not a lobbyist.)



  18. Larry
    February 1, 2010 1:26 pm

    Is that Bob Barker, or is that an evil pigeon demon in disguise? Take a good look at his eyes, and tell me your first thought isn’t “demon pigeon”…



  19. Elmer Fudd
    February 1, 2010 2:06 pm

    Dani_PA You are so full of crap I do not even know where to start..



  20. Robert E Hunt Jr
    February 1, 2010 2:35 pm

    If you want to rid get of pigeons in Pittsburgh, just put ’em on the Pirates roster. They’ll all be traded out of town by the All-Star break.



  21. Carpetbagger
    February 1, 2010 4:53 pm

    I’m with Larry. Barker looks like a pigeon that’s had a ridiculous amount of plastic surgery. Look at that nose. It’s a beak! I think it ate the old Bob Barker, pooped him out, then had plastic surgery to look just like him! (Except the cock of the head and the incessant staring is a sure-fire tell.)

    I’m going to go home and watch Adam Sandler kick his ass in Happy Gilmore. “The price is wrong, Bob!”



  22. Elmer Fudd
    February 1, 2010 5:02 pm

    Bob Barker needs to take all that money of his and spend on what he knows best, Buying Viagra to prop up little Bob, So he can go trolling for 20 something hollywood sluts who will do anything to further their career, Including jumping up and down on great-grandpa..



  23. Patrick
    February 1, 2010 7:59 pm

    Loves the idea of winged rat shoots. As far as the billboards go, I don’t think it will be poo, rather shotgun holes. Too bad we can’t round up the stupid people and have an idiot shoot. Mr Barker would be the first out of the box.



  24. Lisa J
    February 1, 2010 9:05 pm

    I’m willing to bet the SUMIL is Daniel Sup…Supp…however the hell you spell his last night. And BTW, hubby’s crazy uncle…sorry make that freakin’ bat shit crazy uncle moved his wife to a farm in butler so he has more room to raise and love and race his babies, ie pigeons. It’s scary…we don’t socialize much with them.



  25. Bojack
    February 1, 2010 11:15 pm

    Excess pigeons = (always found with) obese human population!!

    I can’t help but notice the glaring absence of pigeons in 3rd world countries where food is scarce!!!!

    Why am I scraping 4″ solid ice off of pavement in NC???

    (note to self) remind sig other this wasn’t in the contract!!

    Tried to buy tire chains in a smaller WalMart in the Burgh yest, sales associate informed me I needed to go to a bigger Walmart
    where they had-

    “tires N’AT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” LMAO :-)



  26. Bojack
    February 1, 2010 11:18 pm

    PS- Bob Barker banged ALL the spokes-Bimbos!!

    He RULES!!!!!!!



  27. efw_west
    February 2, 2010 10:22 am

    Bob barker always was a few fries short of a happy meal.



  28. bucdaddy
    February 2, 2010 10:45 am

    NewBurgher,

    Hah! I always laugh when the bars in town advertise “Live band Saturday!”



  29. LaReina
    February 2, 2010 2:23 pm

    Just try to stop me, Bob Barker.