On February 16, 2008, a day that will live in infamy, Luke Elizabeth Ravenstahl (It’s just a thing I do in my head. Give guys female middle names. Ask Benjamin Wendy Roethlisberger) declared war on snow.
On that day, the Mayor, under great criticism for his poor handling of snow removal, stood in a conference room and said, nay VOWED, “We. Will. Do. Better.” “Everything is on the table at this point,” he said. “My goal is clearly that we have to do a better job,” he insisted, while possibly standing in front of a giant American flag or wearing a Napoleon Bonaparte-esque sideways hat.
Four score and mumble mumble days later, says the blogger who sucks at math, he is engaged in a great snowy war, testing whether Lukey, so determined, so dedicated, can endure against Mother Nature.
So, we have come to dedicate a portion of Squirrel Hill as a final resting place for those snow plows that gave their lives so that Pittsburgh residents might go to work or to the grocery store to buy toilet paper and dairy products.
Voters will note and will LONG remember what Lukey did not do here. It is for us, the stranded, rather, to be dedicated to the unfinished work. It is rather for us to be dedicated to the great task remaining before us — using shovels, without training, to clear our streets ourselves. That from these six inches of packed ice, downed trees, and no conceivable way to drive to the beer store for necessary supplies, we take increased devotion to the cause. That we here highly resolve that these wasted personal days and vacation days shall not have been used in vain. That this city, under new leadership, shall have a new plan for clearing the frickin’ snow — and that government of the Burghers, by the Burghers, and for the really really pissed off Burghers, shall plow the damn roads within 48 hours of a storm.
Also, go watch a grandma bitch Lukey out in front of a camera crew.
“I’m not talkin’ ’bout the rest of the city. I’m talkin’ ’bout RIGHT HERE.”
Lukey, here’s the thing, I’m just teasing with the little Pittsburgh Address up there, and yes, 1,200 miles of road is a LOT of road miles to plow. I get that. However, if two years ago you promised to fix it, promised to attach plows to the garbage trucks, promised to automate the system, and you don’t live up to that promise, your so-called “vow” transforms into a heap of meaningless words that once departed from your lips, fell and died on the floor of that conference room you stood in two years ago. That’s why people are mad and that’s why you were just on the receiving end of street justice, granny style.
If after this snow melts, you once again stand in front of a camera and vow to fix the system, well, you know the saying, “Fool me once …”
You’ve had 725 days to keep your promise. Time is up.