Flipping off Mother Nature and her bastard snow children

You know what?  I’m sorry, okay?!  I’m SORRY!

I’m sorry I’m not loving all this snow and ice.  I’m sorry I’m not pleased that the icicles hanging from my house are large and long enough to impale and kill a wooly mammoth.  I’m sorry I’m not thrilled with the fact that I have to golf-club chop the ice from my satellite dish every morning.  I’m sorry I’m going to whine some more about the weather, but, seriously, ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SNOWY SHIT, MOTHER NATURE?!

Do you see that, Mother Nature, if that’s indeed your REAL name?  The weather forecasters are so depressed they’re not even bothering to tell us what in particular the weather will be on Friday, but that we can bet our cold butts it will be “dreary.”

And I heard you’re dumping six additional inches of snow on us today and tomorrow, which will bring the total accumulation of snow for this February to 806 inches, and I’m NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING.

Will you not rest, Mother Nature, until the meteorologists, instead of placing words like “snow” or “flurries” or “cloudy” above the daily temperature highs, start placing words like “doom” and “doom-ier” and “Don’t bother getting out of bed” and “You might commit suicide this day?”

All right. I’ve said my piece.  I’m completely done ranting about the weather until tomorrow when I’m going to write in iambic pentameter a moving, gut-wrenching poem about how I forget what the sun looks like.





57 Comments


  1. Political Party Pooper
    February 16, 2010 1:37 pm

    That fight ALMOST made my nipples hard…almost



  2. efw_west
    February 16, 2010 1:40 pm

    the glass is half-full version….

    We are 7 weeks into the winter/new year. The first week was bad, 2 through 5 were okay, 6 & 7 are horrible. That’s 4 “good” and 3 “bad” weeks. Not too shabby overall.



  3. NewBurgher
    February 16, 2010 2:05 pm

    I don’t buy the global warming hype either. Reasons:
    1) in the 70’s, they were saying we were headed for another ice age
    2) in the 90’s, they were blaming the lack of snow on global warming
    3) in the 10’s, they’re blaming excess snow on global warming
    4) now it’s come out, that there is in fact no consensus on this whole deal

    I don’t know guys, but if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear these *scientists* always screaming doom and gloom were belting back a few dozen pints while contriving their latest doomsday scenario unless we all start driving hybrids right this second.

    I just want to be left alone, you know? Get off my back about my SUV while you live in your 10,000 sq ft mansion. Shut up about my incandescent light bulbs until you stop flying on your private jet all over the place. While I’m at it, just shut up. The earth has made it through much much worse catastrophes than “mankind” and I think it will survive us. Because as a whole, we people are pretty doggone industrious, and we’ll work and are working to fix things we have screwed up in the past. Life will go on, things will be ok. So stop terrorizing us and our kids about the damn “global warming” already. We’ve about all had enough.



  4. Elmer Fudd
    February 16, 2010 2:15 pm

    Monty, Joe: Thats a good one. But I’ll be damned if I am going on Dancing With the Stars!



  5. Bojack
    February 16, 2010 2:47 pm

    @ElmerFudd-

    What?? No tripping the light fantastic?

    You’d lose!

    I cut a great rug! :-)



  6. Elmer Fudd
    February 16, 2010 3:44 pm

    Its a little tough to cut a rug with boots on Bojack..



  7. Bojack
    February 16, 2010 4:55 pm

    Nuthin’ gets past you Elmer!