In which the local news knocks my lights out.

I cannot put my head down on my pillow tonight without first telling you that as I watch WPXI news, two things made me all [headdesk].

1.  The top story of the local evening news here in Pittsburgh is that a professional athlete publicly apologized for having extramarital affairs.  WPXI sent Timyka Artist not only to the local bar to find out how Pittsburghers felt about his apology, but also to the home of a body language expert right here in Pittsburgh so that the body language expert could ascertain from the gestures, the posture, the tics, the blinking, the eyebrows, the amount of mucous on the corners of his lips, whether or not that professional golfer was sincere when he apologized for having extramarital affairs.  The body language expert then used her knowledge to ascertain for WPXI and all of us lucky viewers what that professional golfer’s mother’s body language meant as the camera flashed to her and she … oh, God … the horror … had her arms crossed over her chest.

Timyka closed the story out with the inside scoop that … oh, God … TIGER’S MOUTH WAS DRY.

Too bad there wasn’t a more pressing story in all of Pittsburgh, you know?  Something like two Pittsburgh women trying to save the lives of Haitian orphans living in tents.


2.  Shortly thereafter, in the first 5 minutes of that newscast, WPXI then was kind enough to let us know that because of today’s break in the weather, Pittsburgh drivers … oh, God … went to the car wash to WASH THEIR CARS. And they proved it with video of cars entering and leaving the local car wash.

Take note, the post-storm car wash news story is the new pre-storm grocery store news story.

[headdesk] [headdesk] [headdesk] [headdeszzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]


  1. Lisa G.
    February 20, 2010 12:27 am

    This is precisely why I do not watch WPXI news.

  2. bucdaddy
    February 20, 2010 1:24 am

    I’m glad they don’t waste my time with fluff.

    They waste my time telling me they don’t waste my time with fluff.

  3. Carol
    February 20, 2010 2:29 am

    I haven’t watched WPXI for local news in…decades, I think.
    It’s usually just that awful.

  4. Bojack
    February 20, 2010 6:34 am

    Say what you will that WPXI is “fluffy,” at least they’re honest!
    It’s honest fluff that doesn’t pretend to be anything but.

    KDKA pretends to cover real issues; even has an alleged
    political reporter (Fred Rogers Delano) and it’s nothing but
    complete fluff and about investigative as a 2nd grade class might come up with, but I think I’m being unfair to 2nd graders!

    A vigorous free press is necessary in our system and we get
    comic books & clowns.

    Wonder why I’m outraged??

  5. Bojack
    February 20, 2010 6:40 am

    Dan-Ho Onorato is running for governor.

    The heinous Allegheny County 911 farce falls squarely
    under his desk,





    Where’s our intrepid local press???

  6. Still A Fan
    February 20, 2010 6:55 am

    i refuse to watch local news and all morning shows. the fact that so many people waste their time watching them makes me sad for the nations collective intelligence. i’m not saying if you watch the local news you’re stupid…..i’m saying it’s a shame that the local news doesn’t treat the audience to some challenging information.

  7. Silica
    February 20, 2010 8:04 am

    The only local news I can stand is WDUQ. I know it’s NPR so it makes me all “elitist,” but I like a) no commercials and b) news that doesn’t treat me like I’m five years old.

  8. W. D. Orkoskey
    February 20, 2010 8:55 am

    I read my news or otherwise stay uninformed about it.

    When WPXI decided to run a fully untrue attack ad against Obama during the election I wrote them to express my opposition. The station manager replied that if they didn’t they’d somehow be going down some “slippery slope”.

    I’m sure there are people out there, maybe even folks who read thatschurch, who don’t understand that “the slippery slope” is logically invalid. Using it in an argument shows a serious lack of intellectual ability which seems to be a theme at WPXI. When the man running your news broadcast believes absolutely that “A always leads to B” without taking into account logical probabilities and possibilities or accounting for any middle ground you’ve got to question why anyone would watch this station and expect to gleam any knowledge from it.

    Sorry to get all academic but the people in charge of WPXI are so think and unintelligent that they likely believe that professional wrestling is real.

  9. bluzdude
    February 20, 2010 9:31 am

    No one ever went broke underestimating the American public. Sad but true. We are a nation addicted to sound bytes, simple answers and fluffy entertainment “news.” How else do you explain the popularity of shows like Entertainment Tonight or Inside Edition? It’s Lowest Common Denominator TV.

  10. Bojack
    February 20, 2010 9:34 am


    WTF do paid ads have to do with news?

  11. jmarinara
    February 20, 2010 9:37 am

    I’m always shocked when people are surprised the news media sucks.

    These are the same people who talk about nothing but football during Steeler season.

    What this city needs is a Mark Belling. Not that we necessarily need a conservative or liberal on the air, but we actually need someone who does reporting and digs into the local scene for the good and important stories. I lived in Milwaukee for five years and the only thing I miss about that awful city is Belling.

  12. Norm
    February 20, 2010 9:57 am

    Next time just turn it off. The only way to send a message about awful content.

  13. SC 'Burgher
    February 20, 2010 10:41 am

    What that proves is that no matter where you live – local TV newscasts sucks. A newspaper is still the best source of information for local news, events, etc.

  14. Clementine
    February 20, 2010 11:00 am

    You were watching WPXI??

  15. Elle C.
    February 20, 2010 11:03 am

    i was also watching last night and said to my husband, WHY for the love of god do they make timyka artist stand outside in the freezing cold and two feet of snow to report about the tiger woods press conference?? it’s not like she was posted outside of his house or anything. i don’t think they ever let that poor woman report from indoors.

  16. MN
    February 20, 2010 11:45 am

    I think Don Henley said it best:

    We all know that Crap is King!

  17. Elmer Fudd
    February 20, 2010 12:22 pm

    They should have played this right after his news conference:

  18. kelly c
    February 20, 2010 8:53 pm

    i wouldn’t hold kdka or wtae in high regard exactly. i swear to god there was a week last fall when every day a deer crashed into a local business, making them the feature local news story each day. the anchor of the wtae noon news today pronounced alexander haig’s name wrong, then bode miller’s name wrong. that pretty much means you’re living under a rock and definitely shouldn’t be giving me any information! i might forgive ONE of those mispronunciations, but not both in a matter of 60 seconds.

  19. Carol
    February 20, 2010 11:06 pm

    I’m dating myself here, but a lo-ong time ago, Emperor Hirohito made his first trip ever out of Japan. He flew somewhere, don’t recall where, but Bill Burns introduced the weather segment by saying “…and (whoever the weatherman was) tells us theres a little nip in the air tonight.”

    Then another time, for four days in a row, Patty Burns lead story was a missing Virgin Mary statue…

    Those two stories have been taking up memory space in my brain forever and I can’t get rid of them! It’s not just Pittsburgh tho, I’ve seen enough newscasts in other cities to know we might have some of the better ones, sad to say.

  20. Bojack
    February 21, 2010 12:22 am

    The journalists, REAL reporters, in NYC or LA would eat Lukey and Dan the Ho for lunch!!

    City Council would have to speak in complete sentences also!

  21. Joey
    February 21, 2010 1:18 am

    @ carol-don’t forget Don Cannon’s “monseen susan” !!

  22. mfj
    February 21, 2010 8:53 am

    When I was in journalism school, they always scheduled classes like News Judgment at the same time as the Hair Care classes, so you had to make your choice pretty early. I remember really wanting to take Intro to Standing in Front of a Salt Pile, but every time it was offered, it was up against some class I needed for my print degree, like Finding Your Ass With Two Hands and a Map.

  23. beaner
    February 21, 2010 11:39 am


  24. unsatisfied
    February 21, 2010 1:39 pm

    please — whatever you’re smoking, pass it around and share it with me. the reporters in NYC or LA aren’t any better than the ones we have here.

    newscasts are profit centers. period.

  25. one-eyed dick
    February 21, 2010 3:14 pm

    Where’s Paul Long and “The Little Round Man” when you need them?

  26. Elmer Palmer
    February 21, 2010 4:24 pm

    Sally Wiggin still makes me feel naughty

  27. CarolineFB
    February 21, 2010 7:24 pm

    Shame on you for watching WPXI! Heeh.

    The only news I watch is the fake news — The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. At least he says it’s fake.

  28. Joe K.
    February 21, 2010 7:46 pm

    I flip the channel anytime Tiger Woods is mentioned. He did it because he could and I highly doubt he’s the least bit sorry.

  29. Mayor Luke Doggy Dogg
    February 22, 2010 3:38 am

    Tiger Woods ya’ll. Tiger Woods ya’ll.

    Tiger Tiger Tiger Tiger Tiger Woods ya’ll.

    Hey, Tiger Woods ya’ll.

    First on WPXI at 11. Tiger Woods ya’ll.

  30. JennyMoon
    February 22, 2010 10:50 am

    I rarely watch the news because I have two children who refuse to go to bed but I actually saw that newscast. I briefly remember thinking “seriously?”. I’m so glad it wasn’t just me.

  31. elysianfantasy
    February 22, 2010 11:53 am

    @Caroline FB

    It’s sad when Jon Stewart is actually closer to real news than the actual “news” itself. Have him interview Danny Boy or Lukey. He’d chew their asses so fast they’d cry!

  32. Michaela
    February 22, 2010 2:11 pm

    How are things at Bresma? I heard that they got some of the kids to Gods Littlest Angels orphanage, which is still standing and staffed – does that include the 12 that you’re concerned about?
    (post about it here: if you’re interested.)