I cannot put my head down on my pillow tonight without first telling you that as I watch WPXI news, two things made me all [headdesk].
1. The top story of the local evening news here in Pittsburgh is that a professional athlete publicly apologized for having extramarital affairs. WPXI sent Timyka Artist not only to the local bar to find out how Pittsburghers felt about his apology, but also to the home of a body language expert right here in Pittsburgh so that the body language expert could ascertain from the gestures, the posture, the tics, the blinking, the eyebrows, the amount of mucous on the corners of his lips, whether or not that professional golfer was sincere when he apologized for having extramarital affairs. The body language expert then used her knowledge to ascertain for WPXI and all of us lucky viewers what that professional golfer’s mother’s body language meant as the camera flashed to her and she … oh, God … the horror … had her arms crossed over her chest.
Timyka closed the story out with the inside scoop that … oh, God … TIGER’S MOUTH WAS DRY.
Too bad there wasn’t a more pressing story in all of Pittsburgh, you know? Something like two Pittsburgh women trying to save the lives of Haitian orphans living in tents.
2. Shortly thereafter, in the first 5 minutes of that newscast, WPXI then was kind enough to let us know that because of today’s break in the weather, Pittsburgh drivers … oh, God … went to the car wash to WASH THEIR CARS. And they proved it with video of cars entering and leaving the local car wash.
Take note, the post-storm car wash news story is the new pre-storm grocery store news story.
[headdesk] [headdesk] [headdesk] [headdeszzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]