The first pep talk of the year!

Know what we don’t talk about enough around here? Little Debbie Swiss Rolls.

Boy are those delicious.

But besides that, we don’t talk enough about the Buccos of Suckitude and they’re down there in sunny Florida talking like THIS IS THE YEAR.  They believe!  Look at them up there, just doin’ the twist like they’re trying to screw themselves into the ground.

And you know me, every year I start out telling you guys, “THIS IS THE YEAR!” and I spend March and April forcibly pulling you kicking and screaming onto the bandwagon with me and then June rolls around and I’m watching you jump off with nary a tuck or a roll or a thought for you own safety as you try to abandon the suck as quickly as you can, and then by August, I’ve bonfired the bandwagon and rolled her into the Mon and I write a rant on here wherein I use the word “suck” about 80 times.  Every. single. year.

Here we are, staring down March and an 18th season of being losers and the laughingstock of professional sports, and Burghers?  THIS IS THE YEAR!

Let’s do a wave, starting with you there on the left in the pants.

But I’m not the only one convinced this is the year.

Coonelly told the players on hand in Pirate City that this will be the group that “turns this franchise around.”

“We are in no way, shape or form willing to sacrifice 2010,” he added. “In fact, that was one of the points that I made to the players [Tuesday]: ‘Don’t let people tell you that the Pirates have a great future, but it’s not today.’ Today is our future. 2010 is the beginning of the next dynasty of the Pirates, for me.”

You guys, you guys, stop laughing.  First, who are these optimistic people telling the Pirates they have a great future?  Is it you Tony Robbins?

It could totally happen. This could be the year!  This could be the beginning of … A DYNASTY!

Where’s that wave?  You there in the glasses, drinking the diet soda!  WAVE!

Even Brandon Moss thinks this is the year!

“I know they brought in a lot of guys. I want to be on this team. And I want to be a main part of this team. And I want to be here when we turn this around, you know?”

Is he talking about turning the Hokey Pokey around?  NO!  Is he talking about turning the beat around?  NO!  This ball player who I’m pretty sure batted .100 last year, is talking about turning this stinkin’ sinkin’ scurvy-riddled ship around and sailing it away from the sucking, Dyson-like pull of Davy Jones’ locker and toward A DYNASTIC FUTURE!

If this was August and I was being my usual late-summer negative self, I’d say something like, “So, if he wants to be here when they turn the team around, he might want to look into cryonics.”

But it’s February.  Almost March. April awaits.  I’m going to start the year off positively, convinced that that twisting group of guys up there are the Pirates capable of corking the suck.

Who’s hopping up on the bandwagon with me?!

Anyone? Anyone? Zober?


  1. Sooska
    February 24, 2010 3:02 pm

    DYNASTY?? where’s your Calvin and Hobbes ROTFLOL pic?

  2. Steve
    February 24, 2010 3:09 pm


  3. Dana
    February 24, 2010 3:14 pm

    Every year, I’m handing out beers to get people on the bandwagon with me. And I’ll be helping you push come August, if that’s the case. In the meantime, I guess we’ll see. I’ve got my tickets for opening day, my hat, my shirt and my taunts for the other team ready… Let’s go Bucs!

  4. unsatisfied
    February 24, 2010 3:25 pm

    they’re still shitty.

  5. Carpetbagger
    February 24, 2010 3:27 pm

    I’m in. Just popped for my first 10-game package. Wouldn’t have done it if they were still throwing Wilson and Sanchez and Paulino and Bay out there.

    There is great youthful potential here. The Central Division only has one big market team… the Cubs (currently enjoying more than a century of suckitude). We’re not in a division with the Phillies or the Yankees or the Red Sox. This is doable.

    What’s the Asian expession? “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” This year… 81-81. A .500 season to end the streak.

    Next year, Alvarez and Tabata are older and who knows.

    Or, we’ll just jump in the river in August.

  6. Craig
    February 24, 2010 3:28 pm

    I’m in all the way to September.

    Let’s Go Bucs!


  7. ClumberKim
    February 24, 2010 3:28 pm

    I know someone who is squarely on the bandwagon with you. He’s 4 and loves the Pirates. He thinks they are going to win every game. He’s sad when they don’t but gets over it quickly (thank goodness). He wakes up every morning asking how long until April 8, the first game of the season he’s going to attend.

    He’s still not getting a jersey with a number or a name on the back. We learned that lesson last year.

  8. Kim Z
    February 24, 2010 3:30 pm

    I’m a certifiable Steelers fanatic, but I never got into baseball when I was in Pittsburgh. Perhaps that’s because my only example was the Buccos of Suckitude. Blegh. My husband, however, has introduced me to the Cubbies of Cursitude. At least the Pirates have won the World Series in our lifetimes. (Well, at least my lifetime. You are clearly a youthful flower.) Sorry Pirates fans, this is clearly the Cubs’ year…barring any goats or Bartmans or pitchers going choke*choke*choke. Go, Cubs, go!

  9. Dale Berra's Fan Club
    February 24, 2010 3:32 pm

    You got me all fired up so I called the ticket office to find out what time the first Sunday afternoon home game started. They asked, “What time can you get here?”

  10. Summer
    February 24, 2010 3:34 pm

    My eight-year-old son loves the Pirates. We’ll be there on opening day. And probably in August, too. Sigh.

  11. Jim Paek is my hero
    February 24, 2010 3:42 pm

    The Pirates are like that ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, that you just keep going back to thinking they have changed their ways, only to have your heart stomped on and house burned down. I say every year that I’m done with them and I’m tired of supporting Nutting’s wallet, but I keep going back and they continue to break my heart and burn down my house. But I’ll always have my memories of the early 90’s playoff runs, shaking my Heinz Green Weenie.

  12. Padzman
    February 24, 2010 4:20 pm

    MMM. Little Debbie Swiss Rolls.

  13. Monty
    February 24, 2010 4:41 pm

    @ Jim Paek is my hero — That will teach you to tie a rubber band around it.

  14. PK
    February 24, 2010 4:57 pm

    Einstein defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Look, my father and brother love the Pirates. My dad used to catch a trolley from McKeesport to Forbes Field to watch them play, then stop at Kennywood on the way home. (God that must have been fun.) I remember when the Bucs won the Series and how we celebrated in grade school with “We Are Family.” So they have meaning with my clan.

    I wish I could throw what little money I have toward Pirate tickets but I refuse to invest in a losing corporation. Nutting has no interest in fielding a winning team since he figured out how to make money by losing. Coonelly is his tool. I know businesses in town that are shifting their money from Pirates season tickets to the Pens because hey, at least if the Pens lose you still enjoy the game. Heck, even Coonelly realizes he could sell out PNC Park with the Winter Classic.

    Interesting too that only the Business Times reported that the Buccos are converting luxury boxes to one big suite:

    The knocked-out walls of four, 15-seat corporate suites will soon open as the Club Cambria, a 1,710-square-foot luxury facility complete with full bar, casual seating, flat-screen TVs, sleek quartz countertops and a full buffet. It will be located along the third base line at PNC Park.

    “There’s a real need for a club like this,” Coonelly said.

    With an anticipated debut date of opening day in April, the Pittsburgh Pirates are shooting to sell all 55 season ticket packages for Club Cambria, priced between $125 and $150 per seat. Food and drink will be included in the ticket price — alcoholic beverages will be available at a cash bar.

    There’s only one reason “for a club like this” Frank – you can’t sell the damn boxes, even at bargain basement prices.

    Sorry, Ginny, but until Nutting and his clan sell the team to someone who can create a .501 team without the need for bobbleheads or fireworks, my family tradition of rooting for the Suckos of Suckitude stops with this branch.

  15. Bojack
    February 24, 2010 5:03 pm

    The odds are as long on the Suckos as they are on Scott
    removing the dick from his mouth at his place of business.

  16. hello haha narf
    February 24, 2010 5:04 pm

    i went down to spring training last year. not there now, but i’m still on the damn bandwagon. can’t help but bleed black and gold…let’s go bucs!

  17. hello haha narf
    February 24, 2010 5:04 pm

    p.s. i love the early season optimist in you

  18. J
    February 24, 2010 5:23 pm

    Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me seventeen times, shame on me.

    (p.s. it’s POP, not “soda”!)

  19. Clementine
    February 24, 2010 5:52 pm

    Show me a hot Pirate, and I’m on board. Is there a Bucko equivalent to Tylernomnom? Pictures, please.

  20. mfj
    February 24, 2010 6:11 pm

    “This is the group that will turn things around.” When did he give that speech, yesterday? Wonder how many of those guys have been traded since then.

  21. Political Party Pooper
    February 24, 2010 6:16 pm

    “And you know me, every year I start out telling you guys, “THIS IS THE YEAR!” and I spend March and April forcibly pulling you kicking and screaming onto the bandwagon with me and then June rolls around and I’m watching you jump off with nary a tuck or a roll or a thought for you own safety as you try to abandon the suck as quickly as you can”

    Isn’t June usually the first time the Pirates play my Brewers every year? If so, that would explain it. We beat your Pirates eighteen times in a row at one point, and we used to combat you guys every year for the King of Suck trophy.

    But, you are right, this is a new year, and HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL.

    Go Pirates! Except when we play them.

  22. Political Party Pooper
    February 24, 2010 6:20 pm

    Kim Z,

    The sCrUBS are going to fall faster than you say “Who dat” in an Australian accent. That team is as dysfunctional as they come. They spent what, $300 Million two years ago, only to get swept out of the playoffs in the first round?


  23. Political Party Pooper
    February 24, 2010 6:21 pm

    Kim Z,

    Also, what’s with Zambrano constantly grabbing his crotch?

  24. bluzdude
    February 24, 2010 6:31 pm

    Say what you will about supporting the Nuttings… there’s nothing like a weekend afternoon at the ball park. Look at the bright side; you can always get walk-up tickets.

    Just like here in Baltimore. You can always go see the Orioles. (It was especially cool when the Buccos came to town 2 years back) Sometimes you just wake up, see a nice blue sky, and think, gee, I’d like to go to the baseball game today.

    Just enjoy the fact that you have the best ballpark in the majors. Hell, you paid for it…

  25. HorseshoeBend
    February 24, 2010 6:37 pm

    The bucs are going all the way, all the way. all the way or better We are family…

    It wasn’t all that long ago that the gunner would call a Willie homer with the phrase “Chicken on the Hill”. Pops owned a chicken restaurant in Hill District and for a time whenever he homered, the restaurant would give away free chicken to all patrons present in the restaurant at the time of the home run. What ended up happening was that all the folks from the neighborhood would wait in the parking lot, listening to the games on the car radios, only to run inside and crowd the joint to the rafters every time Pops came to bat. That promotion didn’t last long.

    Back in the day…

  26. Burgh Baby
    February 24, 2010 7:12 pm

    I’ll just stand over here, holding the lighter fluid, matches, and life preservers. See you in a few months.

  27. Joe K.
    February 24, 2010 7:18 pm

    OK ‘beginning of the next dynasty’ is over-the-top, but…

    … they are actually undertaking the only plan that can work. As was said last year, it wasn’t like they broke up the ’27 Yankees. They do have some for-real young talent, I think McCutcheon may be the fastest ballplayer I’ve ever seen. The true test will be when it comes time for someone like McCutcheon to get a big contract.

  28. tehamy
    February 24, 2010 7:27 pm

    Sorry, I stopped reading at Little Debbie Swiss Roll.

  29. bucdaddy
    February 24, 2010 7:57 pm


    Until then: beer.

  30. CarolineFB
    February 24, 2010 8:10 pm

    I thought “mmmm, Little Debbie Swiss Rolls- nom nom nom” and then I thought “aww, she’s just going to get her hopes all squashed n’at.” But then I remembered Little Debbie Swiss Rolls can make it all better! And if that doesn’t work, Entenmann’s Pop’ems seal the deal.

  31. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    February 24, 2010 8:39 pm

    I’ve been a Pirates fan since birth – 1968 — so I’m not hopping on any bandwagon. I’ll alway support the Pirates. They are the hometown team and win or lose, I’m their girl. I still have the cap I bought in 1976 when I spent my own money from my First Communion to take my Mom to the game and we sat in the first row on the first base side. I spent my childhood at Three Rivers and with the Buccos. I’ve been a season ticket holder of some sort since 1991 (and a full season ticket holder since 1998 despite not living in Pittsburgh since 1997 and living on the west coast from 2005-2009).

    I learned long ago not to fret over things I can’t control. I can’t control the decisions Pirates’ ownership makes. I love the game of baseball. I support wholeheartedly EVERY SINGLE PITTSBURGH TEAM (college or professional). This is the year. If not, there’s always next year! LET’S GO BUCS!!!!!

  32. Just A Simple Man
    February 24, 2010 8:59 pm

    If you are passing out the Swiss rolls… I’m waving, I’m in.
    There’s nooooooooooooo doubt about it!!!!!

  33. Natural Red
    February 24, 2010 9:16 pm

    Being born and raised in the Burgh, altho I haven’t lived there in a while- I have been and always will be a fan of all the Pittsburgh teams. I have piled the family into the old mini van to make the trip to Chicago, Milwaukee and even St. Louis to see the Bucs played, and practically sold my soul to the devil for tickets to Lambeau for the Steelers.
    So, Ginny, make room for one more on your bandwagon because I am there.

  34. cathy
    February 24, 2010 9:44 pm

    I remember the good old days when the Pirates actually one… and I am telling you it can be done and that I am old!!

  35. cathy
    February 24, 2010 9:45 pm

    I remember the good old days when the Pirates actually WON… and I am telling you it can be done and that I am old!! And very tired at the moment…

  36. unsatisfied
    February 24, 2010 11:14 pm

    I gave Jobu cigar…and rum. he will come……

  37. w0x0f
    February 25, 2010 1:18 am

    I’ll catch you on the other side…in Latrobe.

  38. LaReina
    February 25, 2010 9:17 am

    The vendors in the stands should sell Little Debbies. That would be something different.

  39. Izzy
    February 25, 2010 9:23 am

    PK, I’m with you………go to and listen the Nutting pep talk………priceless

  40. Magnus Patris
    February 25, 2010 9:26 am

    I don’t want to have to re-Photoshop the “Pirates Disaster Zone” banner to 18 this year. Let’s Go Buuuuuuuucs!

  41. Dan (Not Onarato)
    February 25, 2010 9:48 am

    For years I have always thought that the Buccos are similar to the movie Major League…

    I need to find me a voodoo doll…then I have an excuse to drink the rum

    Seriously…this has GOT to be the year…ok…please let this be the year?

    Lets go Buccos!

  42. RedInDaBurgh
    February 25, 2010 9:52 am

    The only thing I’m optimistic about with this team is the possibility that they might NOT lose 100 games this year. They don’t even know who will play first base yet! The optimism resides around, IF many of these young players develop and IF the pitching begins to reach their potential, they may not have a losing in 2011, and in 2012 may be a respectable major league team (IF they don’t sell off anyone having a good year for more prospects). I refuse to have faith in this franchise until they prove it on the field. I’ll save my faith for something more realistic, like Santonio Holmes maturing or Skippy Reed no longer being a drunken embarrassment.

  43. JennyMoon
    February 25, 2010 10:13 am

    Let’s Go Bucs!!!

  44. betoon
    February 25, 2010 10:16 am

    Voo doo doll…check…audio of Bob Prince…check…bottle of rum…check, make Nuttings walk the plank…check. Okay I’m on board – love PNC Park and hoping this year they do install a plank – right over the river.

  45. Doc Ellis on Acid
    February 25, 2010 10:27 am

    Save us?

  46. Allison
    February 25, 2010 10:28 am

    I’m in. And I brought cookies.

  47. SC 'Burgher
    February 25, 2010 11:44 am

    As a diehard Pirate fan – I’m in every year. I may be surrounded by Braves fans (the bastards) here in South Carolina, but I still have my program & ticket stub from the Pirates’ last playoff victory (Game 5 NLCS, 1992) framed in my home. Every year I hope for 82-80 or better. I hate Nutting, but I love the team. Let’s go Bucs!

  48. Erica
    February 25, 2010 11:47 am

    I’m in. Your post has me already looking at the website. We never made it to a game last year and my daughter loves to go.
    Allison are you bringing Girl Scout cookies :)

  49. Chris P
    February 25, 2010 12:03 pm

    MLB needs not only a salary cap, but A SALARY FLOOR

    If the Nuttings can’t put at least the minimum into the team, then sell it to Mario or someone that cares

  50. JudiB
    February 25, 2010 1:13 pm

    Count me in!!! I’m going to find my Green Weenie and pray that I’m not thrown under the bus…or wagon.