Monthly Archives: March 2010

And its second name is “L-O-S-E-R!”

When I signed up for ESPN Insider to the tune of $6.99 per month — wait, let me first take a second to tell you the REASON I signed up for ESPN Insider was so that I could access the hi-res photo of Casey Hampton’s all-seeing belly button eye, you’re welcome — it came with a subscription to ESPN Magazine.

This week, ESPN Magazine polled 50 NHL players and in addition to revealing that they agree that Mellon Arena currently has the worst visitor’s locker room, it revealed this:

Seventy-three percent?!  They chose The Kraken over Sidney Crosby who has a Stanley Cup and an Olympic Gold medal?

My bologna has a first name and it’s spelled J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y.

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Random n’at.

1.  … and the weather gods saw the bloody pigeon sacrifices and they were pleased.

You’re welcome, Pittsburgh.

2.  Eyetique’s fourth installment in Boy Meets Girl is up and by now, I’m completely intrigued and waiting for the next one.  In it, I hope Jeff Reed bursts out of the bathroom of Crazy Mocha, screaming about there being no paper towels, all the while wearing awesome glasses. Then he starts kicking painted chickens before he falls to the ground to resuscitate a possum that is actually just playing possum.  The possum waits until Jeff Reed gives up and storms out of Crazy Mocha, before popping up, putting his little cute possum Clark Kent eyeglasses back on, adjusting his cape and declaring proudly, “Once again, Awesum Possum does not save the day!”

Then Daniel Sepulveda storms in without his shirt on and …

I need to be a movie director.

3.  I can’t sing. That inner-ear thing, you know. But if you can and you’re 16 – 26, you need to go audition to appear on the second season of GLEE! because GLEE! is the best show since La Femme Nikita.

Live auditions will be held April 10th, from 12pm-4pm (PLEASE NOTE AUDITIONS WILL BE HELD ON A FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE BASIS), at Tanger Outlets, 2200 Tanger Blvd., Washington, PA.

Rob Owen has more info.

(h/t ScareHouse Scott!)

4.  It is no secret that my May column at Pittsburgh Magazine will be about my attempt to become an Olympic-caliber curler.  But what IS a secret is the amazing art the illustrator Patrick Neil did for it.

Just you wait.

5.  There’s a new blog post up over at the magazine’s site. Here’s a snippet:

I kind of have a reputation for being a Pittsburgh Pollyanna – blind to the bad, focused on the rose-colored good about my city. Some love that about me; some are irritated by it. But the thing is this – I see the faults. I see the good-ole-boy politics. I see some corruption and questionable ethics. I see a gap in diversity. I see potholes and extravagant parking fees and traffic that would infuriate a monk. But those shadows are regularly brightened by the sun of what Pittsburgh is – a beautiful, old, world-class city full of hard-working, real, unaffected people.

6.  Don’t forget David Conrad will be narrating Copland’s A Lincoln Portrait at the Carnegie Carnegie on April 11.  This would be a good chance for you to mention to him how you felt about his #2 and I’m not talking about poop.

Tickets here.

7.  If you haven’t yet had your picture taken with the Stanley Cup, now is your chance.

(h/t Charles!)

8.  If you haven’t yet donated $5 to pick a side in Make Room for Crazy, go ahead and click that YES! button up there because this is the year! Not only did the Buccos of Suckitude decimate the Astros 13-1 yesterday, they also demoted Brandon Moss, who was batting at about negative bajillionty this preseason.  We’re still gathering prizes for the winning side, so if you’ve got something you’d like to donate, let me know.

9.  Want tickets to a Penguins first-round hockey playoff game?  Play this nifty game at Showclix and the person with the highest score gets ’em!

My score and I’m not making this up: -30.

It’s that inner-ear thing.

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It’s a sympathetic kind of pointing and laughing.

There’s several things I simply can’t do, things that others can do with ease.  I can’t carry a tune.  I can’t whistle.  I can’t do a cartwheel.  I can’t do a somersault under water.  I like to blame all of those on “inner-ear issues.”  It makes it seem okay.

No, I can’t parallel park.  I have that, you know, inner-ear thing.

Anyways, another thing I can’t do that others seem to do quite easily is hula hoop.  I used to be able to do it when I was younger, but now?  It’s not like riding a bike, I tell you that.

Before she became pregnant with her most recent child, my sister was on a hula hooping stomach-toning exercise regimen and each time I was at her house and would see her watching TV while hula hooping with ease, making the hoop whip around her waist at eye-popping speeds, I’d say, self, you can do this.  It’s just a little flick of the hips. Remember, you are the current household champion at Wii Hula Hooping.

And I would ask to try and I would put the hoop around my waist and I would give it a spin and the hoop would go, “PSYCH!” and fall to the ground. This would be followed by my sister falling to the ground in laughter.

So, I’d just like to say that while I’m laughing my ass off at Jim Lokay, I’m also sympathizing with him.

Go watch Jim try to hula hoop. And fail like a failing failer that fails.

But at least I have a decent excuse.  You know, that inner-ear thing.

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Can we cut this loser, PLEASE?!

A recent Santonio Holmes tweet to a local Steelers fan, who then deleted his entire Twitter account:

He doesn’t sound like he has anger management issues at all does he?  Again, [voice of Cousin Vinny] I got no more use for this guy.

Update: Ugh.

Okay.  I’m sorry.  I’m livid.  Enraged.  This man is essentially saying to the Steelers management, to you and me that, “Hey, I can smack bitches around; I can get arrested until there are handcuff calluses on my wrists; I can tell a fan to kill himself, and guess what, losers?  I’m still going to get paid and I’m still going to have my job and I’m still going to be a Steeler and you all can just sit in your stupid little cubicles while I take this here giant ass check because I’M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!”

I’m paraphrasing.

Sombody over there on the North Shore or maybe on the shores of Ireland, NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING.

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Wherever there is danger …

Look what reader Rick S. made for me:

Now we need some theme music.  I’m thinking a funeral dirge would be fitting.

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