Skippy Skeeve was sentenced yesterday to 40 hours of community service for the charges against him after he drunkenly tried to defend the honor of a drunk, publicly urinating Matt Spaeth at a North Side bar last year.
In April, he’ll face the music on the public drunkenness and disorderly conduct charges, but it appears that the judge will drop those charges if he’s a good boy and does his community service. The judge determined that while Jeff should not have butted in and should not have put his dukes up, what he did didn’t amount to simple assault or resisting arrest.
Three officers testified that Jeff put his fists up in front of his face in a boxer stance, while one off-duty state police officer, WHO WAS DRINKING WITH JEFF THAT NIGHT, testified that Jeff put his PALMS up.
Jeff’s lawyer said:
“It hurts him that there are people out there that might think that he squared up and wanted to fight cops, or actually fought cops. That’s not Jeff Reed,” DelGreco said.
Oh, PLEASE. It hurts him that we’ve used his past drunken shenanigans to forecast the probability that he’d drunkenly put his fists up to a cop? If I was the forecaster standing in front of a green screen superimposed with this picture, I’d be all, “Well, folks, as you can see it’s looking like a 90% chance of Jeff Reed being a colossal doofus at some point in the near future, most likely a result of an increased intake in alcoholic beverages over a short span of time. Be on the lookout for slut-clusters, because that’s where we’re most likely to see this predicted doofusiary action.”
“I placed my hand on his chest to guide him back to the vehicle. He immediately squared up with his fists in front of his face in a boxer’s stance. I feared for my safety,” Sgt. David Krueger testified Monday.
Write your own, “It’s okay, Officer Krueger. Don’t be scared. Even on his best day, Jeff Reed couldn’t tackle the laundry.” joke.