Mostly cloudy with a chance of herpes.

Skippy Skeeve was sentenced yesterday to 40 hours of community service for the charges against him after he drunkenly tried to defend the honor of a drunk, publicly urinating Matt Spaeth at a North Side bar last year.

In April, he’ll face the music on the public drunkenness and disorderly conduct charges, but it appears that the judge will drop those charges if he’s a good boy and does his community service.  The judge determined that while Jeff should not have butted in and should not have put his dukes up, what he did didn’t amount to simple assault or resisting arrest.

Three officers testified that Jeff put his fists up in front of his face in a boxer stance, while one off-duty state police officer, WHO WAS DRINKING WITH JEFF THAT NIGHT, testified that Jeff put his PALMS up.

Jeff’s lawyer said:

It hurts him that there are people out there that might think that he squared up and wanted to fight cops, or actually fought cops. That’s not Jeff Reed,” DelGreco said.

Oh, PLEASE.  It hurts him that we’ve used his past drunken shenanigans to forecast the probability that he’d drunkenly put his fists up to a cop?  If I was the forecaster standing in front of a green screen superimposed with this picture, I’d be all, “Well, folks, as you can see it’s looking like a 90% chance of Jeff Reed being a colossal doofus at some point in the near future, most likely a result of an increased intake in alcoholic beverages over a short span of time.  Be on the lookout for slut-clusters, because that’s where we’re most likely to see this predicted doofusiary action.”

“I placed my hand on his chest to guide him back to the vehicle. He immediately squared up with his fists in front of his face in a boxer’s stance. I feared for my safety,” Sgt. David Krueger testified Monday.

Write your own, “It’s okay, Officer Krueger.  Don’t be scared.  Even on his best day, Jeff Reed couldn’t tackle the laundry.” joke.





30 Comments

  1. SC 'Burgher
    March 2, 2010 12:44 pm

    He looks half-in-the-bag in the post’s picture.



  2. Jess
    March 2, 2010 12:55 pm

    I almost choked on my lunch reading that last line! Too funny.



  3. bluzdude
    March 2, 2010 1:06 pm

    Notice to all Officers: Immediate Attention

    How to Defeat Jeff Reed When He Assumes a Boxer’s Stance:

    Step 1: Put outstretched hand on Reed’s forehead.

    End of Procedure.



  4. ScareHouse Scott
    March 2, 2010 1:11 pm

    I have just added the phrase “slut-clusters” to my personal vocabulary. Love that.



  5. red pen mama
    March 2, 2010 2:06 pm

    “doofusiary action”

    brilliant.



  6. one-eyed dick
    March 2, 2010 2:53 pm

    Somewhere, the Chief looks down, puffs on his cigar and shakes his head…….



  7. cathy
    March 2, 2010 2:55 pm

    @# SC ‘Burgher – Ditto



  8. JJ
    March 2, 2010 2:58 pm

    This is absolutely hilarious, I can’t stop laughing…….

    @ mis
    no doubt he’ll be assisting the city with snow removal, possibly some shoveling (only after receiving the proper training, of course), answering 311 calls and rounding with lukey, which I’m sure will include ravensnow and his buddies receiving a few steelers tickets. Then they’ll play ‘I bet I can make a bigger ass out of myself than you can’! So sad…..



  9. Anonymous
    March 2, 2010 3:03 pm

    I’ve worked at a number of bars that Jeff regularly visits, and MAYBE the one that this situation took place at..I could provide you with 5 articles worth of antics I’ve seen this clown get into. After witnessing his temper on more than one occasion, I have ZERO doubt in my mind that he attempted to fight the police. He is a self-entitled douche bag.



  10. Carpetbagger
    March 2, 2010 3:05 pm

    Did the judge say anything like the following:

    “That was a foolish thing to do, young man. But since there appears to be no other human being on God’s snow-covered earth who seems to be able to kick a projectile through two metal poles, we are going to let you off with a week of community service and $2.4 million dollars a year to do that weird-ass thing only you can do. Please pick up your skanks on the way out.”



  11. mis
    March 2, 2010 3:33 pm

    My question is: What kind of community service will he get? Aaah, the possibilites are endless…..



  12. butcher's dog
    March 2, 2010 3:42 pm

    Yet, thanks to the franchise tag, he’ll be making the average of the top 5 highest paid kickers in the league this year. That includes the absurd-obscenely paid Janikowski from Oakland.

    As for his previous towel-dispenser bit, let’s not overlook that the label on the machine undoubtedly read: “Pull Down. Tear Up.”



  13. Reed is a scumbag
    March 2, 2010 4:41 pm

    community service? he’ll have to take a few of the Steelers to hang out with the State Police, just like last time.



  14. Maggie Tucker
    March 2, 2010 4:51 pm

    Compare him to our local “terrorist” Sidney Crosby… it is a shame they are even considered the same species.



  15. Leslie
    March 2, 2010 4:57 pm

    You know, Ginny, you do have a valid point. Hasn’t Sgt. Krueger seen this guy try to tackle? Also ironic how Skippy runs from the opposing team’s players during a game, yet tries to fight a cop.



  16. Summer
    March 2, 2010 5:35 pm

    That’s Skippy? I thought it was that coked-out looking kid from Growing Up Gotti.



  17. Clementine
    March 2, 2010 5:59 pm

    Title of this post + Skippy’s expression + “slut-clusters” = Pure Gold

    Franchise tag + 40 hrs community service + complete refusal to take responsibility for his actions = Pure Poop

    Seriously, are there no other decent kickers on the market? This situation disgusts me.



  18. Shibori
    March 2, 2010 6:50 pm

    I have to take a deposition on Thursday, and I’m going to try and see if I can get the phrase “slut-cluster” in the record.



  19. Steelersfan
    March 2, 2010 8:06 pm

    slut-cluster … now i don’t care what you say thats funny right there



  20. Monty
    March 2, 2010 9:09 pm

    He put his hand palms up to the cops? Maybe he just wanted to play slaps with them like my brother and I used to when we were killing time on the drive to the beach in the backseat of my parents’ Dodge Dart.



  21. Still A, Fan
    March 2, 2010 9:18 pm

    did anybody else think it’s funny that his representative is named Del Greco?

    you damn young kids don’t even realize why that’s funny – do you?



  22. toni
    March 3, 2010 12:08 am

    what does he mean that’s not Jeff Reed? OF COURSE I believe he put his fists up in a boxer stance and squared off. The idiot got into a fist fight with a Sheetz towel dispenser, why not a cop.



  23. Vivian formerly NY Luvs Pitts
    March 3, 2010 5:19 am

    “Tackle the laundry” lol



  24. Bojack
    March 3, 2010 7:50 am

    He puts points on the board.

    He wins games.

    Methinks this complainin’ is classic, middle age women,
    having a strong dislike for an unmarried male having fun
    they don’t have control over,
    engaging in the debauchery he obviously enjoys.

    You women should get over it, get your own husbands, then preach to and henpeck them



  25. Lizzy
    March 3, 2010 8:33 am

    Boy do I wish I knew where he hung out, for free comical relief. I would be there, captain and coke in one hand, and possibly a towel dispenser in the other, just for a taunting effect in case Jeff decided he needed to get even. Tell me pleaseeee I am dying to know :-)



  26. one-eyed dick
    March 3, 2010 9:17 am

    You realize that the answer to Skippy Reed’s tackling deficiencies is staring us in the face: somebody needs to get him liquored up before the game. Or hypnotize him to view opposing players running back kickoffs as policemen, trying to arrest other Steelers.

    Now, I’m not saying that he would ever actually tackle anyone, but just seeing him standing there all alone at midfield with his dukes up while the return man flew by him would be priceless.



  27. bucdaddy
    March 3, 2010 9:26 am

    Community service? Dear God, not with children. Please, not with children.



  28. Traveller
    March 3, 2010 9:43 am

    I assume the dude with Skippy in the pictue above is his lawyer.

    Fitting. He looks like he is right out of an 80’s porn flick with that stash.



  29. bucdaddy
    March 3, 2010 10:16 am

    For all the references to the ‘staches I read, apparently trillions of people were watching porn in the ’80s. That’s funny, cause there were only two or three other guys in The Garden that Wednesday afternoon for “Debbie Does Dallas.”



  30. one-eyed dick
    March 3, 2010 11:21 am

    bucdaddy, that was you?