The mumble mumble pep talk of the year!

Dear Ye Buccos of Suckitude:

Ahoy, mateys!

I’ve done a dumb risky thing this year.  I’m betting on you.  And not only am I betting on you, I’m getting other people to bet on you.  And you can be sure if I’m betting and/or asking readers to put their money on the Buccos of Suckitude, then there must be sick children involved.

So, gather ’round, ye scurvy dogs, because if I built this bandwagon, and if I’m driving this bandwagon, and if I’m kidnapping innocent Burghers and wrapping them up in duct tape and forcing them onto the bandwagon and pouring margaritas down their throats until they’re too drunk to care they’re even ON the bandwagon, then you and I are going to have a little chat about this season before it even begins.

Did you see what the executive editor of Golf World, Ron Sirak, just tweeted about you?!

Did you see what some fancy schmancy real live mathematician wrote about you, after plugging some numbers into his fancy schmancy “algorithm,” which I don’t need to tell you sounds very very sciency?

Bukiet says the Pittsburgh Pirates should repeat as the worst NL team with 66 wins.

SIXTY-SIX WINS!

Not only are the humans jumping up and down on your dead, rotting flesh, not only are the animals walking up to your dead flesh to take a leak on it, but now the COMPUTERS have turned against you, son.

THE COMPUTERS!  They are putting numbers into a computer and the computer is laughing its ass off all, “ROTFLMFAO!  66 wins, LOOOOOOOOOOOOSERS!”

I bet the computer wishes it had arms to make the “L” sign on its forehead.  I bet the computer wishes it had a forehead, too.

Well, this is me, lining your scurvy lily-livered asses up on deck as we prepare to enter uncharted waters.  Winning waters.

This is me, walking up and down the line, looking each of you in the eye and saying, “Who gives a crap what the editor of a golf magazine thinks about you?  Golf isn’t even a sport.  I mean, John Daly played professional golf as a 400-lb alcoholic.  Your mother plays golf.  Your grandmother plays golf.  Let’s see them connect with a ninety-mile-an-hour four-seam fastball.  And who gives a parrot cloaca about some computer?!  Eff the computers!  Eff the scientist who forgot to plug ‘playing with heart’ into his ‘algorithm.’  Eff the haters.  Eff the pessimists.  Eff the statistics.  Eff the laws of probability.  Eff the management and their shitty profit-driven decision-making.  Because this is the year.  This is the year you win despite playing for the worst management in all of professional sports and possibly amateur sports and possibly circle-time at the daycare.  Screw it all.  This is the year you play like you mean it.  Play like you want to win.  Play like you know a thing or two about hitting and throwing a ball.  When that ball comes to you, you slow that ball down in your mind, you look that ball in the eye and you say, ‘Eff you, ball,’ and you hit it square in the nose.  Win so they can’t laugh at you anymore.  Win for the fans.  Win for the kids.  Win so I can send that Golf Magazine editor a nasty email.  Win so you can kick that ‘algorithm’ right in the junk.  Just win.  Because I swear to God, if I lose this bet, I will not only make each and every one of you pox-riddled scallywags walk the plank, but I will personally push you overboard and let The Kraken have you for supper.”

Arrrrrrr,

Me.





28 Comments

  1. PA Girl in VA
    March 13, 2010 9:22 am

    The Kraken raises his ugly head again!



  2. ReallyRed
    March 13, 2010 9:50 am

    Ginny- I was raised on black and gold (BTW- did you know that Pgh is the only city where all of its major sports team wear the same colors) and have continued to be the loudest vocal supporter of all of “my” teams (as I love to call them) in the many different places I have lived (read into that- my husband has forced me to move to with his job, but hey, we also like to eat). My license plate even read BLK GLD. (Can you believe someone once asked me in a parking lot if I raised retrievers- REALLY?) I absolutely loved your pep talk to the boys today- if anything can get them motivated, this is it. I hope someone on the Bucco’s staff reads this and invites you to make a personal appearance just before opening day to kick their butts into gear. Then again at the ALL Star Break, which is when things usually seem to go down hill.
    Keep after them, Gin, and this will be the year!



  3. bluzdude
    March 13, 2010 9:53 am

    Jeebus, Ginny…
    You almost have ME ready to run out onto the field and defend the Bucco flag.

    I’m thinking one day you have to help coach your kid’s little league team… Or at least be the designated speech-giver.



  4. bucdaddy
    March 13, 2010 10:22 am

    You know, seriously, 66 wins wouldn’t surprise me, though I think they’ll do better than that.

    What you have to understand is that there are different kinds of suck.

    There’s “suck” because all the players are broken-down, over-the-hill used-to-bes and never-weres, and that’s the kind of team the previous regime churned out year after year, bringing in guys past their expiration dates in a futile attempt to break the streak and have a .500 team and millify the fans and save everyone’s job (I’m looking at you, David Littlefield). We see how well that worked.

    Then there’s “suck” because they’ve cleared a lot of the deadwood off the shelves, unloaded a lot of guys who were such superstars when they were here that they led the team to 72 wins every year, and loaded up on very young talent (Alvarez etc.) and guys who might be really good players but wore out their welcome elsewhere (Milledge etc.), and have a vision that once the ones who can really play get separated from the ones who can’t, then the sucking streak and the sucking in general will end.

    So which suck would you rather have?

    (Shut up, Bennie, I wasn’t talking to you.)



  5. bucdaddy
    March 13, 2010 10:23 am

    *–mollify



  6. Patrick
    March 13, 2010 11:00 am

    You’re giving a pep talk while the ship is already taking on water. Sorry, but the Pirates won’t win for at least another decade.



  7. SC 'Burgher
    March 13, 2010 11:09 am

    I. LOVE. IT.

    That said, they’ll be lucky to break .500 this season.



  8. Bethany
    March 13, 2010 12:15 pm

    Very inspirational. But not enough so to coax me onto the bandwagon. The margaritas on the other hand…

    On a side note, I do like to look at Johnny Depp. Even when he’s wearing eyeliner.



  9. NW PA Joe (formerly NW Joe)
    March 13, 2010 12:29 pm

    Since I recently moved back to PA, I am excited about being able to watch all of the games again.

    However, 66 wins sounds about right. While they have a couple of quality starting left handers (Duke and Maholm), they have no offense beyond McCutchen.

    They pretty much need about 10 ifs to come through to even have a shot at .500. If Milledge is a player…, if Garrett Jones isn’t a fluke…, if Doumit can stay healthy…, if they get anything from the other starters…, if their bullpen can be effective…, if Alvarez comes up in June and hits 25 homers…etc…

    Pittgirl, I think you should have waited a year. If some of the things above occur, they will have a shot at .500 in 2011.



  10. Linda
    March 13, 2010 12:43 pm

    “circle-time at the daycare”
    Great line, Ginny!!



  11. Burgh Baby
    March 13, 2010 1:34 pm

    Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

    You’re totally going down in the bet. To a mommy blogger who can’t name three Pirates players, no less.



  12. tw
    March 13, 2010 2:33 pm

    OMG….way too funny Ginny! And love the use of Johnny Depp’s pic. :)



  13. Lisa J
    March 13, 2010 3:37 pm

    ***tears**** that was beautiful. Truely awe inspiring. But, I’m still team Burgh Baby. Sorry, darlin’, but they don’t have a chance.



  14. Boones Farm
    March 13, 2010 5:15 pm

    We should know all we need to know by April 30th, maybe sooner.

    I think the players walking the plank would be a great marketing ploy to bring fans back to the ballyard. Of course the Parrot would be using a bat or the “hot dog launcher” to shove them over.

    The Pierogies would be humiliating them in some mean non-sensical way.

    HERE WE GO!



  15. PittCheMBA
    March 13, 2010 6:15 pm

    Maybe you did not notice, but 66 is Mario Lemieux’s jersey number. So 66 wins could be a sign that Mario will buy the Pirates. We can only hope!



  16. hello haha narf
    March 13, 2010 6:16 pm

    beats the hell outta that win one for the gipper speech.

    let’s go bucs!



  17. Bettis 36
    March 13, 2010 11:49 pm

    Ginny we love ya. Great speech. Love the Buccos and always will. That being said I believe you are a bit premature in your bandwagon jumping, building, driving, etc. We are still a little way from 72 wins. Next year would be very realistic for this sort of hope but not this year. Still too soon and too young all around. And our pitching is still below the major league level. I hope I’m wrong, really I do, but trust me, these guys arent ready yet.



  18. ReallyRed
    March 14, 2010 7:18 am

    @bettis36-
    The problem is the team isn’t allowed to get older and more experienced- it seems to me that as soon as someone starts to become a good/great player, they are traded away. Management needs (in addition to alot of other things) patience and maybe loosen the pursestrings a little to bring in an older “take charge” leader type of player who could inspire some of the younger kids to step it up. That being said, I am like Ginny and hop on the “this is the year” bandwagon every spring.



  19. butcher's dog
    March 14, 2010 9:38 am

    Of course they’re going to win 66 games this year. You have to go through 66 to get to 82, which is the minimum because….
    THIS IS THE YEAR!!!!
    Also, Wednesday (St. Patrick’s Day) is the release of “The Whistling Irishman: Danny Murtaugh Remembered” by his granddaughter, Colleen Hroncich. This book will totally tell you how it can happen again! Full disclosure: Colleen is a former student of mine and she asked me to proofread the book, which I gladly did. And when it happens, remember that you heard it here first.

    Ginny…one of the best pep talks ever. Any sport, any situation. Even beats The Duke in D-Day: “Only two kinda people gonna stay on this beach. The ones that are already dead and the ones that are gonna be dead. So off your dead asses and on your dying feet and get up that hill!”



  20. Bojack
    March 14, 2010 10:45 am

    You all really need to stop sniffing glue.



  21. CharlesInHouston
    March 14, 2010 11:56 am

    Ginny,

    As if I wasn’t already fired up enough for the start of the season, you’ve amplified it even more!

    I’ve already got my MLB.tv subscription so that I can see every Bucs game and I’ve already got my tickets for their first road trip here in Houston!

    Oh, one more thing….from a very serious computer geek refuting the “expert” in your speech, I’ve plugged all of the numbers and scenarios into our fancy computers at NASA and they say 76 wins for the Bucs this year. Not quite winning…but a whole lot better than 66!



  22. Politicalpartypooper
    March 14, 2010 9:29 pm

    You can eff the haters, you can eff the statistics, you can even eff the computers, but you can’t eff the Brewers.

    I’m pretty sure we’re gonna win sixteen against you guys this year. ;0



  23. mfj
    March 14, 2010 10:03 pm

    Maholm sounds like “Mahalo” which makes me think of Hawaii. That is the only reason I can see for wanting to hear anything about the Pirates. When they get rid of him (week? week and a half?) there will be nothing left. Mahalo.



  24. bucdaddy
    March 15, 2010 3:51 am

    The problem is the team isn’t allowed to get older and more experienced- it seems to me that as soon as someone starts to become a good/great player, they are traded away.

    Yes, we were doing so well with all those good/great players we had. I remember those stirring pennant races in 2003 and 2007-08, and Nyjer Morgan’s MVP, just last year. And it’s so cool that all those champions, all those 30-homer hitters and 20-win pitchers, signed 10-year contracts for $500,000 a season and agreed never to age or get hurt or let their skills deteriorate. Who needs a farm system anyway? Youth is overrated. We should never try to work young players into the lineup, because all those good/great players we had arrived in the majors fully formed and immediately became stars, they were never 22 years old and they never once spent a day in the minors. It’s amazing! We should try to find 25 more guys just like that when the contracts run out.

    *sigh* Yeah, those were the days.



  25. TripleC
    March 15, 2010 8:33 am

    So I see you got Jeff-Reed-Drunk this weekend and decided to make an entry on the blog? Well done.



  26. red pen mama
    March 15, 2010 8:59 am

    I had to flip a coin to get on the bandwagon, but I think my husband’s ready to climb aboard. I’ll have to give you another $5.

    I am just going to enjoy the pep talk posts. They are extremely entertaining.



  27. JennyMoon
    March 15, 2010 9:48 am

    Lets Go Bucs! They need to print this post out and hang it in the locker room. And touch it when they go out onto the field. Awesome. Root Root Root for our home team!



  28. Carol
    March 15, 2010 10:33 am

    I think they broke my heart a long time ago. I can’t even watch the games any more.
    That said, there’s always a little hope (teeny tiny smidgen that the other side of my brain makes hooting sounds at) every spring. It disappears around June. </3