My money is on Bob Barker.

It’s been a few months now that readers have been sending me horrifying pictures of Mike Tyson.  Pictures that haunt my dreams wherein Mike Tyson is running after me with a flock of pigeons flanking him and then he reaches me and he starts yelling at me all, “[sthqueak sthqueak sthqueak sthqueak?  Sthqueak sthqueak!].”  Then I wake up screaming, trying to punch pigeons out of the air.

These are some of the pictures I have been emailed by concerned readers all, “SIT DOWN BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN!”

You see, Mike Tyson owns a flock of pigeons.  He takes his flock of pigeons for jogs.  He loves his knowing bastards, all of which I bet watch him while he sleeps, waiting for the perfect opportunity to peck the tattoos right off of his face, before ripping the gold teeth from his mouth and melting them down to make solid gold ninja swords, one of which you’ll find sticking out of the back of my lifeless body in a dark alley some day.

I have so far ignored Mike Tyson’s pigeon-loving self simply because I’m pretty sure he’s legitimately nuts.  Nuts as in medically batshit crazy.  Only logical explanation.

Now comes word that Mike Tyson will have his own TV show on Animal Planet!

Animal Planet, the Silver Spring-based cable network that says it’s the destination for animal lovers, announced Monday it has purchased a new TV series in which it will introduce Mike Tyson, the heavyweight pugilist and avid pigeon fan, to the competitive world of pigeon racing.

Of course, hearing that an animal will be used for any purpose other than existing and dying a natural death, PETA does what it does, which is always one of two things, protest naked or issue its own legitimately batshit crazy press release which makes all of the world point at PETA and laugh at their blatant batshit craziness.

I wonder how many times I can say batshit crazy in this post.  Challenge accepted, you batshit crazy readers.

So PETA says:

PETA President Ingrid Newkirk says of Tyson’s breathtaking passion for his pigeons: “One wonders if Mike Tyson realizes that . . . these gentle, loyal birds who race their hearts out trying to get home to their life mates often end up lost in storms, or coming home just have their necks wrung for failure to beat their competitor’s time.”

Do you suppose there’s a job called Under-Performing Pigeon Neck-Wringer?  I’m asking for a friend.

So, to sum up, we have PETA, pigeon lovers, picking a fight with Mike Tyson, also a pigeon lover.  Know what I’d like to do?  I’d like to add Bob Barker, pigeon lover, into this mix and I’d like to organize a mixed martial arts cage match to the death.  I’ll be the ref.

Let’s get it on!

(h/t to all you batshit crazy peeps: Jen England, Leah, Amy, Nate, Jen, Kristy, L-A and anyone else I missed)





17 Comments

  1. JT
    March 16, 2010 3:37 pm

    OMG srsly? Didn’t Tyson get in trouble for animal abuse when he beat up his pet tigers in Last Vegas? ??



  2. Carpetbagger
    March 16, 2010 3:50 pm

    PETA…

    People for the
    Eating of
    Tasty
    Animals

    Mmmmm. Where do I join?



  3. butcher's dog
    March 16, 2010 4:00 pm

    Well, Carpetbagger beat me to it, but in the small Mercer County town in which I live there is more than one vehicle with a simplified version as a bumper sticker: People Eating Tasty Animals.

    I couldn’t possibly make this up.



  4. unsatisfied
    March 16, 2010 4:00 pm

    @ JT…..not to mention when he left one of his tigers with those crazy bachelor party dudes that one night…..



  5. Lisa J
    March 16, 2010 4:32 pm

    umm…so…ahhh…yeah…Mike Tyson really loves those pigeons, huh? Ok…let me throw in my own batshit crazy for that one.

    @ butcher’s dog – I used to live in a small town in mercer county. Wonder if it’s the same one?



  6. Bojack
    March 16, 2010 5:11 pm

    I tried to do my part today Virginia. I took a grocery bag full of
    scuffed and cut golf balls down to the river trail by the Heinz plant and practiced my driving into the river.

    The first few shots thru a herd of pigeons failed to connect and they seemed to wise up by the 3rd tee shot!

    I received some disapproving looks from the arrogant jogging/biking cliques but, screw them! I wasn’t aiming for them tho it was very tempting.

    Quite a few nice shots more than halfway across. :-)

    Next time I think I will bring food so I can gather them into solid target.



  7. butcher's dog
    March 16, 2010 6:22 pm

    @lisa j: it’s got a small college in it and it’s not Grove City. That help?

    On CBS Evening News Monday night was a segment on a guy who raises fluttering pigeons, I think they’re called. They fly like regular pigeons and then do this spinning flutter-dive that looks for all the world like they’ve been shot down. Guy uses them to help steer inner city kids away from gangs and such. Looked pretty funny seeing them flutter out of the air, though.



  8. butcher's dog
    March 16, 2010 6:25 pm

    Not to throw a damper on the discussion, but if you really want world-class bat shit crazy you have to look to the Iranian president, who is denying that 9-11 ever happened and claims it was some kind of illusion created by the US. And this guy wants us all to just let him and his scientists play with nukes unsupervised? That’s the kind of BAT.SHIT.CRAZY that Mike Tyson can only dream about.



  9. Bojack
    March 16, 2010 7:29 pm

    But Butcher’s Dog, it’s all our fault for being mean Americans!

    We just need to be more apologetic and understanding and then maybe he’ll like us!



  10. rose
    March 16, 2010 7:45 pm

    i barely made it past “sthqueak,” i was laughing so hard! :)!!!



  11. PA Girl in VA
    March 16, 2010 8:17 pm

    I live about 10 miles from PETA headquarters in Norfolk, VA. Let me know if you have any messages for good ol’ Ingrid that you’d like me to personally deliver ;o)



  12. Andrea
    March 16, 2010 11:50 pm

    Please tell me he’s not kissing the pigeon in the first picture. Lie to me if you must.



  13. Margie
    March 17, 2010 9:29 am

    @Andrea, I think the pigeon is pecking his lip.



  14. JennyMoon
    March 17, 2010 9:42 am

    unsatisfied…..that was awesome!



  15. Ed
    March 17, 2010 12:37 pm

    You know, in PETA’s defense, if I had to pick one person who might get really competitive at some sport and then develop anger issues because he couldn’t succeed at that sport (because of under-performing pigeons), uh … yeah, Tyson. Why is it that I have no trouble imagining him wringing the neck of a slow pigeon?

    Now, if the flock rejected their owner and started to hang out with a new owner, and the original owner was OJ …

    Sorry, terribly politically incorrect.



  16. Deby
    March 18, 2010 7:57 am

    I saw an article in this month’s…Spin, I think, or maybe Rolling Stone. Anyway. It featured a group from Brooklyn called Yeasayer and in it they were – I think – juggling pigeons. Really. I haven’t yet looked for it on the web, but I will.



  17. efw_west
    March 18, 2010 8:50 am

    The only thing you need to know about Ingrid Newkirk is that she equated the killing of broiler chickens in this country to the Holocaust and said if finding a cure for AIDS meant the death of one lab rat, she would be against it.