It’s been a few months now that readers have been sending me horrifying pictures of Mike Tyson. Pictures that haunt my dreams wherein Mike Tyson is running after me with a flock of pigeons flanking him and then he reaches me and he starts yelling at me all, “[sthqueak sthqueak sthqueak sthqueak? Sthqueak sthqueak!].” Then I wake up screaming, trying to punch pigeons out of the air.
These are some of the pictures I have been emailed by concerned readers all, “SIT DOWN BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN!”
You see, Mike Tyson owns a flock of pigeons. He takes his flock of pigeons for jogs. He loves his knowing bastards, all of which I bet watch him while he sleeps, waiting for the perfect opportunity to peck the tattoos right off of his face, before ripping the gold teeth from his mouth and melting them down to make solid gold ninja swords, one of which you’ll find sticking out of the back of my lifeless body in a dark alley some day.
I have so far ignored Mike Tyson’s pigeon-loving self simply because I’m pretty sure he’s legitimately nuts. Nuts as in medically batshit crazy. Only logical explanation.
Now comes word that Mike Tyson will have his own TV show on Animal Planet!
Animal Planet, the Silver Spring-based cable network that says it’s the destination for animal lovers, announced Monday it has purchased a new TV series in which it will introduce Mike Tyson, the heavyweight pugilist and avid pigeon fan, to the competitive world of pigeon racing.
Of course, hearing that an animal will be used for any purpose other than existing and dying a natural death, PETA does what it does, which is always one of two things, protest naked or issue its own legitimately batshit crazy press release which makes all of the world point at PETA and laugh at their blatant batshit craziness.
I wonder how many times I can say batshit crazy in this post. Challenge accepted, you batshit crazy readers.
So PETA says:
PETA President Ingrid Newkirk says of Tyson’s breathtaking passion for his pigeons: “One wonders if Mike Tyson realizes that . . . these gentle, loyal birds who race their hearts out trying to get home to their life mates often end up lost in storms, or coming home just have their necks wrung for failure to beat their competitor’s time.”
Do you suppose there’s a job called Under-Performing Pigeon Neck-Wringer? I’m asking for a friend.
So, to sum up, we have PETA, pigeon lovers, picking a fight with Mike Tyson, also a pigeon lover. Know what I’d like to do? I’d like to add Bob Barker, pigeon lover, into this mix and I’d like to organize a mixed martial arts cage match to the death. I’ll be the ref.
Let’s get it on!
(h/t to all you batshit crazy peeps: Jen England, Leah, Amy, Nate, Jen, Kristy, L-A and anyone else I missed)