Now that Lukey gave up on that laughably bad idea called the Tuition Tax, he has laced his gloves up for an equally ludicrous fight. He wants to tax sugary drinks.
Because, you see, Burghers, sugar is bad for us and taxing things that are bad for us is what government likes to do.
That’s why there’s a tax on cigarettes and alcohol. Because the government thinks we should pay extra to partake of these life-shortening demon agents, because the government wants us to live as long as possible, because the longer we live, the longer they can tax us, and then they’ll death-tax us, and then they’ll tax any money we’ve left behind for our descendants until those descendants become old and die and on and on. It’s called the Circle of Life. Elton John wrote a song about it and everything.
Luke got this brizzilliant idea from Philadelphia’s mayor.
Mr. Ravenstahl on Tuesday said he’s interested in emulating Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter’s plan to impose a 2 cents-per-ounce tax on the sale of drinks such as soda, sweetened tea, energy drinks and flavored water.
Diet drinks and fruit juices would be exempt.
This is hilarious. The cities of Philadelphia and Pittsburgh have determined that natural sugar, real sugar, is unhealthy and artificial sweeteners are A-OKAY! They want you to dump the man-made chemicals in your body and eschew the natural stuff. They are encouraging you to drink soda with aspartame in it versus water with natural flavoring.
What a slap in the face of Mother Nature. I guess they’re still pissed at her about her outlandish behavior this winter.
Also, please don’t forget this about Lukey:
Formerly an avid BlackBerry user, he retired the device in June. Too distracting, he said, adding that he is now forced to delegate better. Instead of drinking coffee, he keeps his energy up with help from 12 Diet Pepsis a day.
That’s right. Lukey has a dozen-a-day Diet Pepsi addiction. It’s in his best interest to leave the artificial sweeteners alone, even though articles like this are rampant all over the mainstream media, like this one from CBS which states:
People who drink diet soft drinks don’t lose weight. In fact, they gain weight, a new study shows.
Lukey is not only taking this sugary drink tax idea and hopscotching down the sidewalk with it, he’s offering his full support to Philadelphia’s mayor:
Ms. Doven said Mr. Ravenstahl and Mr. Nutter were to discuss the tax proposal by phone Tuesday. Mr. Ravenstahl also sent his counterpart a letter of support.
“Know that you have an ally across the state that is ready and willing to join you in this fight,” the letter said.
OMG, the hyperbole. It is SUGAR for the love of God, not meth. Is Mr. Nutter going to go to his council waving Lukey’s letter all, “Hey, look! That kid over there in Pittsburgh thinks this is a fantastic idea, too!”
Also, I should note that Philadelphia is considering taxing sugary drinks to support healthy living initiatives for its residents, whereas Lukey is looking to tax sugary drinks to fund the pension. Makes TOTAL sense.
What next? The Hydrogenated Fats Tax to benefit the purchase of police cruisers? A Processed Cheese Food Tax to fund road repairs? The White Bread Tax to help fight the war on potholes? The Chocolate Tax to fund firefighting training? The Little Debbie Tax to fund –
DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, LUKEY. You want to go after Little Debbie, you’ll have to get through me and my army of Nutty Bars to get to her.
[awkward kung fu moves]