I’m going to need some security.

“Angels we have heard on high …”

Do you see that?  That is eight, count them.  Go ahead. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 bottles of Zima!

A bit yellow in color, a smidgen stamped with a date of 2007, but still delicious.

I know you’re incredibly jealous and that you would like to know where you too can purchase some $3.50 bottles of Zima and I’m not going to tell you because they are MINE ALL MINE!

My precious.  My precioussss.  They wants me.

Okay, I’ll tell you.  Behold the power of Twitter.

Once a month I whine like a poopy baby on Twitter all, “I WOULD SELL MY DOGS FOR ZIMA!” or “I WOULD PUNCH A KITTEN FOR ZIMA!” or “I WOULD MAKE OUT WITH BEN ROETHLISBERGER FOR … nah.  Even I’m not that desperate for Zima.”  But you get the picture and the picture is a melancholy, black-and white photograph of me with my sad forehead pressed against a rainy window pane like the poster-child for depression.

And every month, I get a few replies like, “Oh! Try this place.” or “I’m pretty sure this place has it!” and I follow-up with those places and the owners/proprietors/phone-answerers would be all, “ZIMA?!  ZIMA?!   HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Stop calling here, lady.”

But then a week or so ago, @dougkeklak tweeted me that he found a bar with Zima in Homestead.

Problem was this. Doug?  Hates me.  He says to consider this a peace offering and that “hate” is a strong word, so let’s come up with a word that is almost to hate but not quite to hate.  Loathe? Horrified by? Can I punch her? Can I? Can I? Please? Pick one.

So I thought.  Is this a trap?  Is he luring me to this bar where I’ll be accosted by a large gang of ruthless pigeons, as if there are any other kind of pigeon gangs. There are no gangs of pigeons that knit afghans for the elderly.  They’re all ruthless knowing bastards and whoa! tangent.

Doug gave me the name of the bar, directions to the bar, and possibly the GPS coordinates to the bar.

I mentioned to my husband in passing one day the possibility of Zima being found in Pittsburgh and he said, “Well, I’ll check it out,” but he never did because I failed to properly light the fire under his ass about it because I was a bit wary of Doug.  Why the sudden change of heart?

Then a DIFFERENT twittererererer, this one named @MarkECib, who DOESN’T hate me, tweeted a picture from the bar showing me the actual Zima in the cooler.

So of course I got out the gasoline, the blowtorch, and the C-4 and I KABLOOEYED a fire under my husband’s ass, resulting in him heading to Pido’s Pub in Homestead/Munhall last night.

You know how a cat can discern if you’ve removed a can of, say, tomato paste from a cupboard versus a can of tuna, and the cat will pounce as soon as he hears the air around the tuna can move?  That’s pretty much what happened when my husband opened the door last night and I heard the crinkle of a paper bag, which is a miracle considering how deaf I am.

I bared my claws and pounced with a hiss.  He got scared and held the bags out in front of him like a man offering a baby bear back to the mama bear all, “TAKE THEM TAKE THEM TAKE THEM! DON’T HURT ME! I WANT TO LIVE!”

I heard bottles clinking, I lined them up on the dining room table, twittered a picture, opened one with my teeth, guzzled it and practically had an orgasm.

The end.





28 Comments

  1. Bojack
    March 25, 2010 3:10 pm

    Which is the flavor/style of preference??



  2. spoon
    March 25, 2010 3:11 pm

    when you grow an extra arm don’t say I didn’t warn you



  3. Pica U
    March 25, 2010 3:12 pm

    Ginny-

    I’m almost 100 percent sure that Mark’s Bar and Grille on Penn Avenue downtown has Zimas too.



  4. Gina
    March 25, 2010 3:15 pm

    Congratulations. I’m strangely genuinely happy for you.



  5. Larry
    March 25, 2010 3:17 pm

    But you didn’t make the run to Pido’s yourself? *sigh*



  6. Schuyler
    March 25, 2010 3:17 pm

    I know it’s not the same (because I like Zima, too), but have you tried Smirnoff Ice? They have some good flavors, but I am a fan of the original … not too sweet. Worth a try if you haven’t yet! (And they’re not expired!)



  7. Tiffany
    March 25, 2010 3:33 pm

    You drink all that Zima you WILL make out with Ben! Don’t go to the bathroom unattended Ginny!



  8. Elle C.
    March 25, 2010 3:48 pm

    I was going to say the same thing as Schuyler, the original Zima tastes a lot like a Smirnoff Ice, if not identical.



  9. Sono Innamorato
    March 25, 2010 3:52 pm

    and the “N” on the bottle cap stands for . . .?



  10. Kristen
    March 25, 2010 3:53 pm

    Jealous!! I loved Zima- I used to put jolly ranchers in them- so yummy!! I once put a skittle in one- not a good idea. Half of my Zima fizzed out. Enjoy!



  11. Pensgirl
    March 25, 2010 4:09 pm

    Remember when you were PittGirl? After you said you liked Zima, I figured that was going to be a dead giveaway because you have to be the only person in the tri-state area who does.

    In other news, this is the second time today I’ve read a suggestion that “loathe” is lesser than “hate.” I have always used “loathe” to mean “extra super duper hate it with sprinkles on top, and then set it on fire.” It’s the sort of word I reserved only for the worst of the worst, like Osama bin Laden, or the Philadelphia Flyers.



  12. unsatisfied
    March 25, 2010 4:14 pm

    @pensgirl — it depends on how you say it.

    if you say it as, “loathe”, eh.

    if you say it as, “looooooooooooooooooathe” in a little lower register than usual — well, that’s a special kind of hate. like the kind reserved for bin laden and the flyers….



  13. tw
    March 25, 2010 4:18 pm

    Right with you pensgirl…Loathe is stronger than hate for me.



  14. butcher's dog
    March 25, 2010 4:18 pm

    Personally, I’d rather hear more about the almost-orgasm. Pensgirl and unsatisfied are right (says this retired English teacher so there) about the word definitions.

    If Ginny found that much Zima in one place, can a winning Bucco season be far behind? Huh? Huh? Ask yourself that, bandwagon-haters.



  15. Pensgirl
    March 25, 2010 5:13 pm

    OK, thanks for making me feel not-crazy. I started to think maybe I was, so I went to dictionary.com to double-check my understanding. It was SO helpful. I typed in “loathe” and it initially came back with this:

    No results for loathe.
    Did you mean loathe?

    Uh, what?



  16. Chris
    March 25, 2010 5:17 pm

    Way back when before the Internet, digital cameras, cell phones and fax machines, I used to drink IC Coolers. Now I tend to go with Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Sometimes I add a little Sprite. I think they kinda taste IC Coolers, which I think used to taste like Zima.



  17. Chuck
    March 25, 2010 6:27 pm

    I am 99.9% sure that Zima is still produced and sold in Japan. I can see the mad rush to the airport for the first flight to Toyko, LOL.

    Best wishes
    Chuck



  18. Grover Cleveland
    March 25, 2010 7:09 pm

    I don’t get the Zima attraction. That stuff gives me buttery farts



  19. tinyski
    March 25, 2010 8:15 pm

    There is petition to bring it back…..

    http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/bringbackzima



  20. Sono Innamorato
    March 25, 2010 8:16 pm

    anybody else here remember “Hop N Gator?”



  21. HorseShoeBend
    March 25, 2010 8:56 pm

    Wow. Buttery Farts or Barts (new version of shart), old booze being orgasmic and Hope N Gator (how about an Olde Frothingslosh). Good stuff.

    Rainy pic is nice. Straight hair – really nice. Don’t think that butterfly would like the rain much though.

    Go Bucs!



  22. PA Girl in VA
    March 25, 2010 9:09 pm

    @Sono Innamorato – please tell me you know that’s actually a “Z” on the bottle caps….



  23. Marci
    March 25, 2010 9:17 pm

    Now, you need to come back to Pido’s Pub and have a Zima for yourself, and also eat there. It is the best place to eat in the Mon Valley! My youngest child took her first step there (awesome parenting skills on my part I guess)!



  24. Julie
    March 26, 2010 9:25 am

    Good ole’ Pido’s! They actually do have some decent food. I think my parents unearthed a Zima from the depths of their ‘little fridge’ (fridge in the garage that holds beer, etc) not too long ago and suspected it may have been around since the late 90s – it was the original clear bottle with blue lettering, etc.



  25. BrooklynD3175
    March 26, 2010 11:51 am

    (Heavy Sigh)…I miss Zima. I have yet to find it here in my city – it’s like trying to find the Holy Grail , only tastier…



  26. Joe K.
    March 26, 2010 12:46 pm

    I lost track of Zima after college, I don’t remember anything but the clear bottles with blue labels.



  27. MarkECib
    March 26, 2010 2:03 pm

    What I got a mention? This is what I get for missing a few days of reading.

    Pido’s has really good food. The potato chips with Shirley Sauce is the best!



  28. Sono Innamorato
    March 26, 2010 5:43 pm

    @ P-A Girl in V-A, yes, yes, I understand. Lame attempt at humor.