Word for word, cut and paste, the entire story:
Police said a man will be charged with public drunkenness after several witnesses saw him attempting to resuscitate a road-killed opossum.
State police said they charged Donald Wolfe, 55, of Brookville, Jefferson County, after they arrived at the scene on Route 36 in Oliver Township around 3 p.m. Thursday.
A news release from police does not state how he was trying to revive the opossum.
1. Has anyone ever tried to revive a dead possum when alcohol WASN’T involved?
2. Maybe the possum isn’t dead. Maybe the possum was just PLAYING POSSUM!
3. Why isn’t there yet an animated super-hero named Awesome Opossum? Get on that, Disney. “Whenever there is danger, he’ll play dead. AWESOME OPOSSUM!”
4. Are possum and opossum interchangeable like pigeon and Satan? Two names for the same animal?
5. I hope to God he was trying to revive the (o)possum with a comical mixture of mouth-to-[insert official possum mouth term here], chest compressions, and “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME! DON’T YOU DARE DIE ON ME, PRISSY!”
Or a defibrillator.
(h/t Eric and Paul)