That's Church

David Duchovny.

Charlie Sheen.

Bill Clinton.

Tiger Woods.

David Letterman.

Michael Douglas.

Ben Roethlisberger.

All “sex addicts” who appeared in cartoon form on the most recent South Park episode.

Thoughts:

1.  If all of those men were ever actually in the same room at the same time, I bet you could catch an STD just by breathing the same putrid air as them.

2.  Whoever thought I’d be mentioning a Steeler in a list of sex addicts featured on South Park and it WOULDN’T be Jeff Reed?

3.  In one part, the sex-addiction counselor asks the class, “In order to make sure we are not destroying our lives with any of these behaviors [circles a list of words that includes 'internet porn' and 'sex with hookers' and one including the word 'cigar' that I won't reprint here because my father READS MY BLOG], what must we do?”

The answer of course is, “Don’t get caught.”

Then the instructor asks, “How do we avoid getting caught? Ben Roethlisberger.”  and Benny answers, “Don’t do girls in the public bathroom.”

Truer words have never been spoken.  That’s a motivational poster quote if I’ve ever heard one.

Someone go and tape that to Benny’s locker for me, would ya?

You can watch the whole episode here.

(h/t Tracy, Gary, Dawn and Tony)

It’s not every day you get to wake up to an article with this as the leading paragraph:

Just how did farm chickens end up inside campus buildings at Carnegie Mellon University last weekend? And who decided to paint them?

And the headline is straight Sherlock Holmes –The Case of the Spray-Painted Chickens.

So, let me sum this up for you:

Nine farm chickens found roaming various CMU buildings.  CMU calls lady from a farm.  Lady from the farm comes and gets the chickens to rescue them.  Lady from the farm says some of the chickens have paint on them.  Lady from the farm says this is cruelty to animals.  CMU is being mostly quiet about it as they look into what happened.  Two of the chickens are sick. WHY GOD, WHY?!  And lady from the farm says:

“I would think if they’re serious about this and they want to get to the bottom of it, somebody would have called to inquire about how they’re doing,” she said.

“Do they want to keep these things quiet? Is it routine for a college to hide crime? I mean, I think it’s a crime,” she said. “I’d love to see this go public, because this … shouldn’t be tolerated at these schools or anywhere else.”

Oh sweet Lord.  Listen.  Except in the case of pigeons, I am against animal cruelty.  I mean that.

They’re chickens with some paint on them! If the students had tortured these chickens, or burnt these chickens with cigarettes or strung these chickens up alive, I would be horrified.  But that is not the case here.

What did she expect CMU to do?  Issue a press release all, “Yeah, we just want to let the media know that we found some painted chickens on campus.”  That’s almost as ridiculous as accusing CMU of covering up some chicken-painting crime ring like it’s Ben Roethlisberger’s thumb.

So now it’s gone public.  What does the farm lady think will happen now?

Will CMU send flowers and “Get Well Soon!” balloons to the chickens?  Does she think we the people are going to march on CMU demanding justice for the Chicken Nine? 23 million chickens get their heads chopped off every single day. Chickens are food or provide food in the form of delicious eggs.

Get over it.  It was a prank.  The chickens are alive.  The students will be dealt with. Life goes on. I had eggs for breakfast and I’m having chicken for dinner.

Let’s gain a little perspective here before, God help us, PETA decides to get involved, because the last thing we need are batshit crazy naked women covered in paint, chaining themselves to –

Actually, that sounds kind of interesting.

Hey, PETA, they’re painting chickens over at CMU!

It’s time once again for some beat poetry written using the recent tweets of Pittsburgh’s own Santonio Asshat Holmes.

Dim the lights.

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. (Not THOSE, Santonio.)

Where’s my mic?

Here we go.

[snap] [snap] [snap] This movie Mirrors is OTC [bongo beat] [finger parentheses] Off the chain. Wut? Wut? Wut it do? [snap] No! [bongo beat] No! I can watch any movie I please! [snap] And no one, I say not a one! Will stop me! [bongo beats] Not even my mom. [cigarette drag] So if u, yeah u! You there! [snap] If you have a problem wit me watching this movie [snap] u r sick! [ANGRY BONGO BEATS] I wonder, I do. What is pot smoke? Who can know? [snap]  [snap] Like I wud tell my chick.  I would tell her! Stop! [bongo beats] I would tell her, God gave ME a gift to SEE [snap] and I’m gone look. Aint nuthn wrong wit looking! [bongo beats] Ben! Ben! Ben! Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! [snap] Don’t write anything else on my Twitter page referring to big Ben. [cigarette drag] Freakin’ stupid people. [angry bongo beats] Lookin! Lookin’ I am! Not for Superman. [snap] LOOKING FOR SEXY LADIES TO BE EXTRAS FOR A MUSIC VIDEO. [snap] Hit me up.  [bongo beat] I’m starting to get addicted to Starbucks Caramel Frappuccinos. [snap] [cigarette drag]

[applause]

Two exciting updates!

1.  The Make Room for Crazy portion of the Make Room for Kids/Christmas Crazy for Kids fundraiser has added exciting new prizes:

• Two RIP Packages for The Scarehouse.  The RIP Package includes four RIP tickets, meaning you don’t have to wait in line, plus a free CD and a free shotglass.  Each RIP package is worth $140, so this is a grand total donation of $280 through the generosity of The Scarehouse’s owners Scott and Barb Simmons. The Scarehouse dates and newest attractions have not yet been announced but you can watch the website for details in the coming months.
• In addition, Burgh Baby has secured a Pirates Fan Pack as a prize.
• And finally, reader Eileen donated a $50 Pirates/MLB Gift Card good to use to purchase tickets or merchandise from PittsburghPirates.com.  Also good to use to purchase tickets directly from the ticket office.

If you haven’t yet chosen a side, you can click on that GIANT YOU CAN SEE IT FROM SPACE YES button in the side bar or you can go to Burgh Baby’s site and click the NO button, you rainbow-hating, bunny-punching, puppy-kicking terrorist.

2.  This morning I met with Luke Sossi from Microsoft and Nancy Angus of the Mario Lemieux Foundation at the MLF offices and I would like to applaud myself for the self-control I showed in not licking any of the autographed hockey sticks hanging on the walls there.  I also did not lick any autographed pictures of Mario and I did not show my boobs to any autographed hockey jerseys.  I also did not try to steal anything.  I am so proud of me. I was like, totally professional n’at.

When I arrived, Luke informed me that the Pittsburgh Microsoft employees donated an additional XBOX to Make Room for Kids, which would be matched by Microsoft, so that brings it to two additional XBOXs since last I updated you.  Then he said that Microsoft corporate pitched in ANOTHER free XBOX in addition to the two it was already donating.

All said and done, Luke showed Nancy and I this snazzy graph picture chart thing he did illustrating that via an office of 30 Microsoft employees, they have donated 19 XBOXs and 2 mobile gaming kiosks and extra controllers and lots of games.  Luke couldn’t even estimate how many games because his office is filled with games for this project.

After explaining it all to us, Luke, who came bearing gifts and flowers for us, says, “Are you comfortable with that?”

And I said, “NO, LUKE!  I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS.  THIS IS VERY VERY AWKWARD!”  This guy.

But seriously, what an amazing snowball of generosity this is.  And yes, Burghers, I gave Luke a big hug on your behalf.

We’re hoping to get everything finalized, ordered and delivered in about three weeks time.

I’ll keep you posted.

Now that Lukey gave up on that laughably bad idea called the Tuition Tax, he has  laced his gloves up for an equally ludicrous fight.  He wants to tax sugary drinks.

Because, you see, Burghers, sugar is bad for us and taxing things that are bad for us is what government likes to do.

That’s why there’s a tax on cigarettes and alcohol.  Because the government thinks we should pay extra to partake of these life-shortening demon agents, because the government wants us to live as long as possible, because the longer we live, the longer they can tax us, and then they’ll death-tax us, and then they’ll tax any money we’ve left behind for our descendants until those descendants become old and die and on and on.  It’s called the Circle of Life.  Elton John wrote a song about it and everything.

Luke got this brizzilliant idea from Philadelphia’s mayor.

Mr. Ravenstahl on Tuesday said he’s interested in emulating Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter’s plan to impose a 2 cents-per-ounce tax on the sale of drinks such as soda, sweetened tea, energy drinks and flavored water.

Diet drinks and fruit juices would be exempt.

This is hilarious.  The cities of Philadelphia and Pittsburgh have determined that natural sugar, real sugar, is unhealthy and artificial sweeteners are A-OKAY!  They want you to dump the man-made chemicals in your body and eschew the natural stuff.  They are encouraging you to drink soda with aspartame in it versus water with natural flavoring.

What a slap in the face of Mother Nature.  I guess they’re still pissed at her about her outlandish behavior this winter.

Also, please don’t forget this about Lukey:

Formerly an avid BlackBerry user, he retired the device in June. Too distracting, he said, adding that he is now forced to delegate better. Instead of drinking coffee, he keeps his energy up with help from 12 Diet Pepsis a day.

That’s right.  Lukey has a dozen-a-day Diet Pepsi addiction.  It’s in his best interest to leave the artificial sweeteners alone, even though articles like this are rampant all over the mainstream media, like this one from CBS which states:

People who drink diet soft drinks don’t lose weight. In fact, they gain weight, a new study shows.

Lukey is not only taking this sugary drink tax idea and hopscotching down the sidewalk with it, he’s offering his full support to Philadelphia’s mayor:

Ms. Doven said Mr. Ravenstahl and Mr. Nutter were to discuss the tax proposal by phone Tuesday. Mr. Ravenstahl also sent his counterpart a letter of support.

“Know that you have an ally across the state that is ready and willing to join you in this fight,” the letter said.

OMG, the hyperbole.  It is SUGAR for the love of God, not meth.  Is Mr. Nutter going to go to his council waving Lukey’s letter all, “Hey, look!  That kid over there in Pittsburgh thinks this is a fantastic idea, too!”

Also, I should note that Philadelphia is considering taxing sugary drinks to support healthy living initiatives for its residents, whereas Lukey is looking to tax sugary drinks to fund the pension.   Makes TOTAL sense.

What next? The Hydrogenated Fats Tax to benefit the purchase of police cruisers?  A Processed Cheese Food Tax to fund road repairs?  The White Bread Tax to help fight the war on potholes?  The Chocolate Tax to fund firefighting training?  The Little Debbie Tax to fund –

Gasp!

DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, LUKEY.  You want to go after Little Debbie, you’ll have to get through me and my army of Nutty Bars to get to her.

[awkward kung fu moves]