David Conrad: Forsooth, you look different.
Me: Yeah, I had to go anonymous again, so, you know, back to the silhouette.
Matt Lamanna: Hot.
Daniel Sepulveda: You know, we were just saying yesterday that we don’t see Doug much anymore.
Me: Oh, did I forget to tell you? I self-divorced him.
David: You can do that?!
Me: Hell yeah. I mean, he doesn’t even live in Pittsburgh anymore. He can’t take very good care of me from … wherever the hell he went.
Daniel: Tsk. You know, the Bible says, “… until death do us part.”
Matt: Yeah, and Barney says, “We’re a happy family.” We could have worked it out with him.
David: Wait. The bible doesn’t say, “Until death do us part,” you fool.
Daniel: Yes, it does. Right near where it says, “Blessed are the peacemakers on Earth.”
David: Again, NOT THE BIBLE. That’s Shakespeare. You are infirm of purpose.
Matt: Shakespeare, Daniel. SHAKESPEARE. He’s taunting you with Shakespeare. Tell him [whispers in Daniel’s ear].
Daniel: YOUR BREATH STINKS LIKE CHEESE! Hah.
David: [eyeroll] The line is, “Thine breath stinks with eating toasted cheese.”
Me: I could go for some cheese. And can we get back to talking about me?
David: Forsooth, get your own damn cheese. I’m sick of these yahoos. You and me were just fine before they came along.
Daniel and Matt: “YAHOOS?!”
Matt: I have like sixteen doctorates!
Daniel: Like the Bible says, “A plague on your house.”
David: THE QUOTE IS, “A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES,” AND IT IS NOT THE BIBLE! SHAKESPEARE!
[Fist-fighting ensues. Daniel attempts to punt David.]
Matt: … and speaking of breath, dinosaurs are actually the predecessors of birds and therefore they breathed with an avian-like air-sac respiratory —
Me: I miss Doug.