The eleventieth pep talk of the year!

Some things I would like to point out to you regarding these charts I scanned in from ESPN Magazine’s 2010 Baseball Preview edition:

1.  Based on 100 full-season simulations they fed into a computer, the Buccos of Suckitude are not slated to finish last this year.

2.  In 100 simulations — are you sitting down? — the Buccos of Suckitude finished FIRST IN THEIR DIVISION THREE AND A HALF TIMES.  The Astros didn’t finish first one single time, and in other divisions, the same held true for the Padres, the Blue Jays (never even heard of that team. Are they related to the Blue Jackets of Columbus?), the Orioles, and the Marlins.  The Giants only saw first 3 out of 100 times, the Royals and the Angels saw it 2.5 times.

The computers are coming around!  They are using programs and motherboards and RAMs and other important computer things and the computers are all, “Well. Look at this! The Pirates actually have a 3.5% chance of winning their division this year! Am I having a malfunction?!”

Would you like on the bandwagon now, Burghers?  Because this is the year!

In addition to the computers starting to believe in the Buccos of Suckitude, there are a few other reasons you might want to throw your overweight, oversize, that’ll be a 50-dollar charge, 17-year-old suitcase of pessimistic baggage to the curb and hop aboard my bandwagon.

1.  The first pitch at the first home game of our first winning season in 17 years will be thrown out by none other than my heroes, Jamie and Ali McMutrie.  What’s going to happen is those girls are going to leave so much good karma in PNC Park that it will beat the ever-loving crap out of the bad karma that’s been squatting in that stadium since it was built.

2.  Victory Knots.  That’s right VICTORY. KNOTS.

V is for Victory as in we are going to see more Victories than Defeats this year and V is for Very Delicious because Victory Knots look VERY DELICIOUS and I think we can all agree that anything served in a pizza box is full of win.

And you can save the, “Will they rename them to Defeat Doughs in July?” jokes because I already told them all and then I scolded myself sternly because THIS IS THE YEAR!

Also, I gained five pounds just by looking at all the carbs in that picture. Worth it.


  1. Different Brian
    April 1, 2010 8:25 pm

    More like Victory NOTS.

    ps: Up the dpi on your scans!

  2. Bojack
    April 1, 2010 8:33 pm

    ANYbody who buys even one ticket, or one hotdog, is a bobblehead-ho, and a Quisling in the service of the pimp-Nuttings.

  3. Politicalpartypooper
    April 1, 2010 8:51 pm

    My Brewers will win this division, mark my words. You heard it on April 1st, and it wasn’t a joke.

    On a more important and happy note, Ginny, did you know that the McMutrie’s Haiti story made the Reader’s Digest? I searched their website for a link, but couldn’t find one. It’s in their print edition.

  4. bucdaddy
    April 1, 2010 11:47 pm

    Jamie and Ali? First pitch? SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

    Ima hafta leave Ugly five minutes early to be there.

    Speaking of Ugly, hey Bojack, by some miracle you’ve managed not to piss me off until now. That’s probably a record for you, right?

  5. Mike
    April 2, 2010 1:06 am

    I went to eat on the North Shore and a baseball game broke out.

  6. Bojack
    April 2, 2010 2:28 am

    No discrimination here!

    I call ’em like I see ’em no matter where the piercing laser-light of truth lands!


  7. Lauren
    April 2, 2010 9:37 am

    Mmmmmm…. Giant pretzel.

  8. Cassie Camilo
    April 2, 2010 9:41 am

    A cool post please keep it up

  9. Don'tBeASucker
    April 2, 2010 9:54 am

    Al long as Nutting owns this team, they will be lucky to win 70 games. Their first baseman is projected to be Steve Pierce and third base is Andy LaRoche. Both are key positions filled by minor leaguers. This is the year? Please. The only numbers that will improve this year are the numbers in Nutting’s bank account.

  10. PK
    April 2, 2010 10:05 am

    I’m with Bojack (shiver) and DBAS on this one. Sorry but there is NO WAY that the Suckos of Suckitude will have a winning season. No doubt that Nutting is already looking at his actuarial tables and planning which players to cut.

    Giant pretzels and bobbleheads and fireworks are the Nuttings’ bread to go with the circus that is the Pirates. The bandwagon might as well be stuck in the ruts across the Clemente Bridge. Keep crossing their palms with gold and they have no reason to change their winning-by-losing formula.

    With luck the Penguins will keep us engaged through June.

  11. Kim Z
    April 2, 2010 10:52 am

    The first picture is of something that is currently on my dining room table. I’d much prefer that item in the second picture was on my dining room table. Yummers!

  12. Luke Steelerstahl
    April 2, 2010 12:32 pm

    Wait – what?

    The won the division three and a half times. How do you win a division a half of a time?

  13. Michael Sorg
    April 2, 2010 7:18 pm

    I just round up the half. So we won 4 times! Already, this season is looking better! Anything can happen! Make me believe in baseball again! Don’t make me go watch the Yankees in Times Square in order to remember anyone cares about baseball.

  14. bucdaddy
    April 3, 2010 1:16 am

    Let me ask y’all a serious question: How long do you think Nutting has been the team’s principle owner?

    And if you say “More than two years,” you’re wrong.

    Remember that McClatchy guy?

  15. dayvoe
    April 4, 2010 7:00 am

    The Blue Jays are an American League team that plays up in Canada.

    They play at Rogers Centre (formerly Skydome) in Toronto and are the only MLB team outside of the US of A – since the Montreal Expos moved to DC and became the Washington Nationals.

    They’re also not playing the Pirates this season.

    Not just a political junkie…