Some things I would like to point out to you regarding these charts I scanned in from ESPN Magazine’s 2010 Baseball Preview edition:
1. Based on 100 full-season simulations they fed into a computer, the Buccos of Suckitude are not slated to finish last this year.
2. In 100 simulations — are you sitting down? — the Buccos of Suckitude finished FIRST IN THEIR DIVISION THREE AND A HALF TIMES. The Astros didn’t finish first one single time, and in other divisions, the same held true for the Padres, the Blue Jays (never even heard of that team. Are they related to the Blue Jackets of Columbus?), the Orioles, and the Marlins. The Giants only saw first 3 out of 100 times, the Royals and the Angels saw it 2.5 times.
The computers are coming around! They are using programs and motherboards and RAMs and other important computer things and the computers are all, “Well. Look at this! The Pirates actually have a 3.5% chance of winning their division this year! Am I having a malfunction?!”
Would you like on the bandwagon now, Burghers? Because this is the year!
In addition to the computers starting to believe in the Buccos of Suckitude, there are a few other reasons you might want to throw your overweight, oversize, that’ll be a 50-dollar charge, 17-year-old suitcase of pessimistic baggage to the curb and hop aboard my bandwagon.
1. The first pitch at the first home game of our first winning season in 17 years will be thrown out by none other than my heroes, Jamie and Ali McMutrie. What’s going to happen is those girls are going to leave so much good karma in PNC Park that it will beat the ever-loving crap out of the bad karma that’s been squatting in that stadium since it was built.
V is for Victory as in we are going to see more Victories than Defeats this year and V is for Very Delicious because Victory Knots look VERY DELICIOUS and I think we can all agree that anything served in a pizza box is full of win.
And you can save the, “Will they rename them to Defeat Doughs in July?” jokes because I already told them all and then I scolded myself sternly because THIS IS THE YEAR!
Also, I gained five pounds just by looking at all the carbs in that picture. Worth it.