Once a dork, always a dork.

So, I again need to step out of brief hiatus — don’t call it a comeback — to share this story with you.

This morning, I met up with David Conrad at La Prima Espresso in the Strip because he was doing a small favor for me and no, I can’t tell you what it is because then it will ruin the surprise for the young lady he was doing it for.

I woke up knowing I needed to be out of the house with the girl child, AKA Homegrown Terrorist, by 9:45 in order to drop her off at Las Velas before heading over to the Strip to find a place to park.

At exactly 9:45, I was in the bathroom putting the finishing touches on my hair because, hell, I’m going to see David Conrad today; let’s look awesome!

At exactly 9:46, the terrorist walked into the bathroom looking like a clown exploded on her.  Apparently I left my makeup bag within reach and she took advantage of that to see how mascara would look as blush (scary), how lip gloss would look on a forehead (sparkly), how eyeshadow would look on a clean white shirt (there isn’t enough Tide in the world), and how loud Mommy would scream if said terrorist wiped filthy hands on the clothes Mommy was wearing to go see David Conrad (AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!).

What happened to you!?  Did you get into the makeup?!  Why are you wiping your hands on me?!  What happened to your shirt?!  Did you shove the mascara wand up your nose?!

By some Easter miracle, I managed to hit the Strip ten minutes before I was due to arrive at La Prima. Excellent.

Except parking in the Strip means parallel parking.  NOT EXCELLENT.

I drove around a few blocks hoping and praying that I could find two spaces next to each other, thus saving myself the pain and embarrassment of the 244-point turn it takes me to shove my SUV into a parallel parking space at an ungodly angle that usually ends up with my front end in the street, my back end up on the curb, and a growing crowd of pedestrians cracking jokes about women-drivers.

Then, ANOTHER EASTER MIRACLE. I found a lot right near Prima and pulled my car in, literally shoved a five dollar bill into some tiny slot meant for coins, and headed for the coffee shop.

David was already there, munching on pizza and drinking a swirly glass of coffee.

We chatted for a bit.  Fun small talk.  He mentioned he had been in Spain and arrived just that morning from New York and oh, by the way, when we’re done here, can you drop me off at my loft just a few blocks down?

I played it cool and was all, “Sure. No biggie. [finger guns].”

But inside I was all, “Eff.”

EFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SON OF A MOTHERLESS STINKING GOAT OF EVIL SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I agree, normally if I had David Conrad inside my vehicle, I would explode with joy before locking the doors and cackling, “MWAH-HAHA! My plan is working perfectly. Don’t fight the drugs, David. MWAH-HAHAHAH!”

But I wasn’t expecting that on this day David Conrad would request to enter my vehicle.  He grabbed his coffee to go, said goodbye to the other shop patrons, and started walking with me toward the general direction of my car.

“I’m in a lot over there.”

“A lot?”

“Yeah, I, uh, can’t parallel park.”

“You can’t?!”

“It’s a, you know, inner ear thing. [finger guns].  Tell me, when is the last time you were in a car that is normally used to transport young children?”

“Uhhh –”

“Yeah, I’m just warning you, is all.”

So there we were.  Me. David Conrad. My vehicle that looked like it had been lived in by a family of rabid trailer trash raccoons.

No place in the back for his bags because I have a big stroller back there, its wheels sticking up in the air like a dead bug.

The back seat was occupied with two booster seats, both covered in stains because, WHY CLEAN THEM WHEN MY CHILDREN ARE JUST GOING TO SPILL CRAP ON THEM AGAIN AND BESIDES, NOT ENOUGH TIDE IN THE WORLD!

Random karate gear, random sports balls, random food/candy wrappers, umbrellas, random bags filled with random crap, and a nice pollen-tinted layer of dust covering the entire dash, which had a Veggie Tales CD inside of it (Where’s God When I’m Scared? Yeah?!  WHERE’S GOD WHEN DAVID CONRAD ASKS TO ENTER MY VEHICLE OF SUNDRY DUSTY DOOM?! HUH?!)

Of course, David was a sport.  Threw his stuff on top of the booster seats and climbed in the passenger seat. I wound the windows down because the A/C in the VEHICLE OF SUNDRY DUSTY DOOM is broken, but hey, maybe he’ll get so hot he’ll need to take his shirt off.  That’d be a win.

He began directing me through the alleys of the Strip toward his loft, at one point sending me through a corridor with such a narrow path due to a garbage container and a parked truck that I was all, “I can’t fit through there,” and he was all, “Just don’t hit anything on your side and I’ll watch my side.”

“Okay, but if we hit, you’re paying for it.” And then in my head I added, because one of us is a famous TV star millionaire who should take his shirt off and one of us is a giant-butted mom-dork [finger guns].

As we arrived at his loft, he directed me to pull behind a parked car near an intersection and then added, “See, no parallel parking! And don’t pull too close and you won’t even have to back up when you leave!”

That guy. He clearly doesn’t understand about the inner-ear thing.

Regardless, I’m sharing this story with you because 1. SQUEEE and 2. I am a dork.

It doesn’t matter who I meet, what I write, who I have coffee with, or any perceived level of local-celebrity status I attain.

It doesn’t matter what I do with my hair, or my makeup or if I’m wearing just the right clothes and feeling particularly good about it, because the universe will always see to it that I’m put in my place and it will always take the time to remind me that I’m just a blogging mom with makeup stains on her pants, driving an unnatural disaster that she can’t parallel park.

And I’m cool with that.

[finger guns].





68 Comments


  1. Carol
    April 9, 2010 12:10 pm

    Poop, the second link failed. Trying again, and if this doesn’t work, maybe copy/paste it in your browser? Internetz are beyond me today. ;_;

    http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=-uLECuGK07U&feature=related



  2. Pam
    April 9, 2010 1:19 pm

    You’re one up on me — I also can’t parallel park (after 31 years of driving!) — but I also won’t drive in the Burgh! We always pay to park in one of the lots at the Strip as well.

    I’m one of those hicks from just up North and just thinking of riding in a car in Pittsburgh traffic makes me break out in a cold sweat. Everyone always tells me to sit in the backseat and keep my mouth shut.



  3. Jill
    April 9, 2010 1:51 pm

    OMG – First of all, I am embarrassed to admit that I had to Google David Conrad.

    This is possibly one of the funniest things you have written, maybe because it is SO true. I work on a college campus, so I’ve been forced to learn to parallel park, but LORD…my mom-van (yes, I still have a mom-van even though my children are 20, 18 and 13) looks just like that (except mine magically shows the word “JONAS” on the windshield and back window when it rains or gets foggy!)

    Great job – I enjoy reading you from near Youngstown, OH – I think I was a “Burgher” in a previous life.



  4. PA Girl in VA
    April 9, 2010 2:35 pm

    Yeah, I still know nothing about David Conrad but I totally empathize with what happened to you!!! I’m sure you’ll be on Cloud 9 for days, no make that WEEKS! Your poor husband….

    I also wanted to take this moment to brag and say that I can parallel park!! I grew up in PA on a one way street that’s only wide enough for one car to park on each side and one to drive down the middle. Not exaggerating. I learned to drive on a 1974 Ford Gran Torino. Do you know how big those tanks are? If I couldn’t parallel park, I’d be sunk! When we come to PGH, my husband drives but I get parking duties :o)

    Loves ya, Ginny – thanks for the laugh today!!!



  5. summer78
    April 9, 2010 2:46 pm

    Dude, blogging moms are the best.



  6. Baba Wawa
    April 9, 2010 2:56 pm

    SQUEEE indeed!!!!



  7. mary
    April 9, 2010 9:25 pm

    Start training now and maybe in a few years you will be invited to compete in the AAU Moms division minivan obstacle course. You’ll pay thousands of dollars to go to a farway place to compete against kindred Burgh moms. Other competition categories include cheapest snack that isn’t lame, Costco treasure hunt, how to look busy when your husband comes home and making a secular holiday classroom craft that doesn’t offend anyone. Rev your engine!



  8. Karyn
    April 9, 2010 11:40 pm

    Thing the first: I can parallel park but would totally fake it for the David Conrad factor.

    Thing the second: This post just makes me all the more excited to see him doing his thing on Sunday.

    Thing the third: You rock.



  9. Tim
    April 10, 2010 9:50 am

    These hiatus-breaking posts are great. It shortens the time until Monday (when you said you’d come back for real). And by the way, you aren’t alone . . . welcome to the Wide World of Dorks. There are lots of us out here :-)



  10. Kristen
    April 11, 2010 10:06 am

    Just a dose of reality for D.C. – not a bad thing and just imagine his blog post!



  11. andrea
    April 11, 2010 9:22 pm

    Veggie Tales! 13 years after listening to one of their CDs my kids and I still sing the songs: “The bunny, the bunny, Oh I love the bunny” adapted this week for eating a bunny (chocolate, of course) — and “Oh where is my hairbrush, oh where is my hairbrush, oh where oh where oh where oh where oh WHERE…. is my hairBRUSH!”

    And “The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything”??!! With great stuff like that to enjoy together, who cares about the dirt?



  12. Politicalpartypooper
    April 11, 2010 11:37 pm

    Poor Ginny. Her favorite Steeler, Santonio “all you bitches wanna blow me!” Holmes was traded to the Jets for a draft pick.

    Quick, everybody say a prayer for Ginny.



  13. Jeanine
    April 12, 2010 2:02 am

    Hilarious article! I totally get the idea of what the inside of your SUV looked like because I allow food in my car and can the crumbs and debris fill it fast. It’s always at those times when you actually have to have a non-kid guest in your vehicle. And a famous actor to boot! I just saw David Conrad narrate A. Coplan’s Lincoln Portrait today at the Carnegie Music Hall. He did a great job; what a voice. I was totally impressed with his ability to mingle, chit-chat, and take photos after the event with total strangers. He seemed completely gracious with everyone although I didn’t have the nerve to impose my dorky star-struck self on him. I kept my distance with a small group of women as we just stared and sighed at his handsome figure from afar.



  14. JenOH
    April 12, 2010 8:11 pm

    David Conrad is totally hot & awesome and this is extremely funny. Love it!

    And who needs to parallel park anyway? I always find a parking lot or a curb I can just pull up alongside. Of course, when I did that for church recently the one day, some fool parked in front of my car & backed up so that they were practically on my bumper. I thought I had pulled up far enough that no other car could fit in front of me because of an alley, but not this idiot. Needless to say, my thoughts weren’t very church-like as I had to carefully get my car out!



  15. LibrarianKelly
    April 12, 2010 10:06 pm

    Can totally relate! Except for the coffee-with-local-celeb thing. Hilarious story!



  16. Robin
    May 26, 2010 9:40 pm

    This one of best blogs yet, you lucky dog. You just made my day.



  17. Cougar
    August 25, 2010 6:56 pm

    I found you because someone on Twitter said that Richard Armitage and David Conrad look like brothers. Well, cuz Richard makes me go all “PHWOAR” I had to hunt up David and I found another pair of blue eyes to die for. But best of all I found you and your very, very funny blog posts. You’re preaching to the choir!



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