Once a dork, always a dork.

So, I again need to step out of brief hiatus — don’t call it a comeback — to share this story with you.

This morning, I met up with David Conrad at La Prima Espresso in the Strip because he was doing a small favor for me and no, I can’t tell you what it is because then it will ruin the surprise for the young lady he was doing it for.

I woke up knowing I needed to be out of the house with the girl child, AKA Homegrown Terrorist, by 9:45 in order to drop her off at Las Velas before heading over to the Strip to find a place to park.

At exactly 9:45, I was in the bathroom putting the finishing touches on my hair because, hell, I’m going to see David Conrad today; let’s look awesome!

At exactly 9:46, the terrorist walked into the bathroom looking like a clown exploded on her.  Apparently I left my makeup bag within reach and she took advantage of that to see how mascara would look as blush (scary), how lip gloss would look on a forehead (sparkly), how eyeshadow would look on a clean white shirt (there isn’t enough Tide in the world), and how loud Mommy would scream if said terrorist wiped filthy hands on the clothes Mommy was wearing to go see David Conrad (AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!).

What happened to you!?  Did you get into the makeup?!  Why are you wiping your hands on me?!  What happened to your shirt?!  Did you shove the mascara wand up your nose?!

By some Easter miracle, I managed to hit the Strip ten minutes before I was due to arrive at La Prima. Excellent.

Except parking in the Strip means parallel parking.  NOT EXCELLENT.

I drove around a few blocks hoping and praying that I could find two spaces next to each other, thus saving myself the pain and embarrassment of the 244-point turn it takes me to shove my SUV into a parallel parking space at an ungodly angle that usually ends up with my front end in the street, my back end up on the curb, and a growing crowd of pedestrians cracking jokes about women-drivers.

Then, ANOTHER EASTER MIRACLE. I found a lot right near Prima and pulled my car in, literally shoved a five dollar bill into some tiny slot meant for coins, and headed for the coffee shop.

David was already there, munching on pizza and drinking a swirly glass of coffee.

We chatted for a bit.  Fun small talk.  He mentioned he had been in Spain and arrived just that morning from New York and oh, by the way, when we’re done here, can you drop me off at my loft just a few blocks down?

I played it cool and was all, “Sure. No biggie. [finger guns].”

But inside I was all, “Eff.”

EFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SON OF A MOTHERLESS STINKING GOAT OF EVIL SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I agree, normally if I had David Conrad inside my vehicle, I would explode with joy before locking the doors and cackling, “MWAH-HAHA! My plan is working perfectly. Don’t fight the drugs, David. MWAH-HAHAHAH!”

But I wasn’t expecting that on this day David Conrad would request to enter my vehicle.  He grabbed his coffee to go, said goodbye to the other shop patrons, and started walking with me toward the general direction of my car.

“I’m in a lot over there.”

“A lot?”

“Yeah, I, uh, can’t parallel park.”

“You can’t?!”

“It’s a, you know, inner ear thing. [finger guns].  Tell me, when is the last time you were in a car that is normally used to transport young children?”

“Uhhh –”

“Yeah, I’m just warning you, is all.”

So there we were.  Me. David Conrad. My vehicle that looked like it had been lived in by a family of rabid trailer trash raccoons.

No place in the back for his bags because I have a big stroller back there, its wheels sticking up in the air like a dead bug.

The back seat was occupied with two booster seats, both covered in stains because, WHY CLEAN THEM WHEN MY CHILDREN ARE JUST GOING TO SPILL CRAP ON THEM AGAIN AND BESIDES, NOT ENOUGH TIDE IN THE WORLD!

Random karate gear, random sports balls, random food/candy wrappers, umbrellas, random bags filled with random crap, and a nice pollen-tinted layer of dust covering the entire dash, which had a Veggie Tales CD inside of it (Where’s God When I’m Scared? Yeah?!  WHERE’S GOD WHEN DAVID CONRAD ASKS TO ENTER MY VEHICLE OF SUNDRY DUSTY DOOM?! HUH?!)

Of course, David was a sport.  Threw his stuff on top of the booster seats and climbed in the passenger seat. I wound the windows down because the A/C in the VEHICLE OF SUNDRY DUSTY DOOM is broken, but hey, maybe he’ll get so hot he’ll need to take his shirt off.  That’d be a win.

He began directing me through the alleys of the Strip toward his loft, at one point sending me through a corridor with such a narrow path due to a garbage container and a parked truck that I was all, “I can’t fit through there,” and he was all, “Just don’t hit anything on your side and I’ll watch my side.”

“Okay, but if we hit, you’re paying for it.” And then in my head I added, because one of us is a famous TV star millionaire who should take his shirt off and one of us is a giant-butted mom-dork [finger guns].

As we arrived at his loft, he directed me to pull behind a parked car near an intersection and then added, “See, no parallel parking! And don’t pull too close and you won’t even have to back up when you leave!”

That guy. He clearly doesn’t understand about the inner-ear thing.

Regardless, I’m sharing this story with you because 1. SQUEEE and 2. I am a dork.

It doesn’t matter who I meet, what I write, who I have coffee with, or any perceived level of local-celebrity status I attain.

It doesn’t matter what I do with my hair, or my makeup or if I’m wearing just the right clothes and feeling particularly good about it, because the universe will always see to it that I’m put in my place and it will always take the time to remind me that I’m just a blogging mom with makeup stains on her pants, driving an unnatural disaster that she can’t parallel park.

And I’m cool with that.

[finger guns].





68 Comments


  1. red pen mama
    April 8, 2010 2:47 pm

    I am laughing so hard I am crying. Because, aside from the fact that I have never met David Conrad in person (note to self: please fix that), I have been in eerily similar situations vis-a-vis: getting out the door, toddler covered in… something, toddler wiping… something on me, and/or kid-related mess (and/or SMELL) in car.

    I can, however, parallel park. As long as no one is behind me waiting to pass. Then I get performance anxiety.



  2. TwinmamaTeb
    April 8, 2010 2:48 pm

    We are all dorks. Even celebrities. I watched Jim Lokay dribble ranch dressing down his shirt 5 mins before speaking to a crowd last night.

    Bazinga.



  3. Andy
    April 8, 2010 2:48 pm

    Best post ever. Although I still have no idea why David Conrad is famous for anything. So who’s a bigger dork?



  4. Magnus Patris
    April 8, 2010 2:49 pm

    And that is why we love you.



  5. bluzdude
    April 8, 2010 2:49 pm

    I can see why you broke the silence. Great story. I’m surprised you didn’t “miss some turns” while he was directing you to his loft.

    You don’t have a Pit in your basement, beside the Pittsburgh Toilet, do you?



  6. Chachi
    April 8, 2010 2:49 pm

    I fingerheart the finger guns…



  7. Beatrice
    April 8, 2010 2:49 pm

    Oh man. This was just so funny. You are the best.



  8. oldgraymare
    April 8, 2010 2:50 pm

    Thank you for reminding us all that being yourself is the best you can be! Luv you Ginny.



  9. Gina
    April 8, 2010 2:50 pm

    I freak out when I show up at work and find out I need to drive a co-worker anywhere in my traveling trash heap. But if it were David Conrad, I would die. I need to clean my car now, just in case.



  10. red pen mama
    April 8, 2010 2:51 pm

    And even through all my guffawing, my inner editor is screaming, “alleys!” unless you were running over friends of the Strip.

    sorry about that.



  11. SpudMom
    April 8, 2010 2:52 pm

    Ginny, I am cackling out loud as I read this because I know exactly the kind of devastation you refer to. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old and drive a non- SUV vehicle that also looks as though rabid trailer trash raccoons reside in it.

    David, if you’re reading this, thanks for being such a good sport. Moms the world over are grateful!



  12. Virginia
    April 8, 2010 2:53 pm

    Red Pen Mama,

    FIXED! ;)

    V.



  13. mindymin
    April 8, 2010 2:55 pm

    Ya know…its stories like that that make me feel less like the dork that I am…feels good to know that Im not the only one who has these general days of OMGWTFBBQ is going on while I run around like a loon!!!



  14. Steelerslover
    April 8, 2010 2:55 pm

    **clap, clap** to you for remaining calm through all of this!! I would have freaked out!!!



  15. Woy
    April 8, 2010 2:56 pm

    AWE-some.

    And, I can definitely attest: she can’t parallel park.



  16. Natural Red
    April 8, 2010 3:00 pm

    I hope he realizes what he did by showing you the way to his loft!!!!



  17. annietiques
    April 8, 2010 3:09 pm

    Ginny, thanks for making my day!! That is the funniest story I have ever heard!! Can’t wait to read it out loud to my husband!

    God bless you David Conrad!



  18. Sheila
    April 8, 2010 3:26 pm

    Thank you thank you. I am in dire need of a laugh today and as I sit here reading this in my dr’s office I had to cover my mouth so I wouldn’t laugh out loud. Classic post!



  19. Me
    April 8, 2010 3:28 pm

    Hey, at least you don’t have packing tape holding the turn-signal-light-casing-thingy on to your car. Not that I do.



  20. Allison
    April 8, 2010 3:44 pm

    One of the best posts EVER. Had me laughing so hard.

    And don’t worry, I can’t parallel park either.



  21. Amy
    April 8, 2010 4:19 pm

    Have you seen the commercials lately where you can buy a car that parallel parks for you? You need one of those Ginny. :)



  22. Schuyler
    April 8, 2010 4:52 pm

    Great stuff! I can absolutely relate … except to meeting David Conrad, of course! Thanks for making me laugh out loud … just another awesome post!



  23. Scott
    April 8, 2010 5:08 pm

    So did you guys hook up or what?



  24. Sooska
    April 8, 2010 5:08 pm

    I can hardly wait for your curling debut. Will you invite David? Just for laughs, for us?



  25. richrovs
    April 8, 2010 5:21 pm

    Funniest ever. We used to have an expedition that I hated getting into with my friends, cause the kids would have it trashed. My wife will love this story.



  26. RedInDaBurgh
    April 8, 2010 5:54 pm

    Great story!

    “family of rabid trailer trash raccoons” – that might be the best line ever!
    You should be writing for a sitcom. PittGirl: Suburban Warrior Mom.

    And don’t be afraid to embrace your dorkiness! I am a science nerd, and accepted that long ago. I long to be as cool as a dork!



  27. Woy
    April 8, 2010 6:06 pm

    @Scott: That comment wins.



  28. Sue
    April 8, 2010 6:20 pm

    I find this story SOOO endearing. I like to pretend that you are my very cool best friend! Thanks for the laugh!



  29. katsbynp
    April 8, 2010 6:38 pm

    Thanks so much for sharing! I needed a laugh today and this just what I needed. BTW I can’t parallel park either



  30. Kathy
    April 8, 2010 7:53 pm

    I love ya girl! This was hilarious [finger guns]

    @Scott – more laughs



  31. Leslie in Dayton
    April 8, 2010 8:34 pm

    Oh my God, I am weeping with laughter. Tears. My son just poked his head in the room to check on me. My car looks the SAME way. I work with 2 guys (small office), and we go out for lunch every now & then. I always make them drive. One day, they MADE me drive, and my car was a pit! They aren’t on the David Conrad level, but still…OMG. Too Funny!



  32. Mama Moose
    April 8, 2010 8:35 pm

    Laughed so hard I have tears streaming down my face and now I look like the Terrorist must have this morning…



  33. butcher's dog
    April 8, 2010 8:39 pm

    @#21 Amy: ain’t puttin’ no rug rats into no car that can parallel park itself. Not till they’re full-growed, anyway. Just sayin’.

    And Ginny…in the brief interval between they’re being full grown and the grandkids smearing stuff on you, you’ll miss all this. Not a lot, but you will.



  34. Jen
    April 8, 2010 9:15 pm

    You so need to start a parenting blog. I bet you have the Best Stories Ever.

    Also: EMBRACE THE DORK! I do. It’s cool.



  35. Suzska
    April 8, 2010 9:40 pm

    I can’t parallel park to save my life, either. It fills me with fear. Heck, just backing out of my driveway when the neighbors across the street are outside fills me with fear!

    Your story has me laughing because just this afternoon I thought about cleaning out the car…the threat of rain changed my plans. But now I’m a little more determined to get it cleaned out (and then take it somewhere to be detailed, lol).

    Proud of my dorkiness. :-)



  36. Heather
    April 8, 2010 10:24 pm

    Love the story! Super jelly about your coffee date! :)

    As for parallel parking, I’m awesome at it because I usually have inches between both bumpers on my street. I run into trouble when I get home first and have to pull up to the curb. I’m either a foot away or halfway on the sidewalk and crooked!



  37. Alana
    April 9, 2010 12:41 am

    Such a cute story; loved it!



  38. Cari
    April 9, 2010 12:47 am

    I’ve read this a couple times now and my cheeks hurt! :) Did you have your coffee?



  39. Bojack
    April 9, 2010 12:58 am

    You’re still a MIL! :-)



  40. bucdaddy
    April 9, 2010 12:59 am

    Pizza with … coffee?

    Ewwww. You can have him.



  41. Tina
    April 9, 2010 1:46 am

    I am trying really hard to feel any compassion /mercy with you, but sorry honey – I can’t ;)))))))))!
    I am just and purely JEALOUS *BIG GIRL GRIN*

    Thanks for making my californian evening with that story. Still thinking about using a parachute to get out of that SF tp MUC plane on Sunday to join you for Carnegie.

    On a side note: Looks like David never managed to sell that loft, huh? Good one … I thought it was beautiful from the real estate pics and very special. Would have been a pity to give it away.

    PS: I can park parallel but only when I am relaxed. So no chance at all in your situation.



  42. Stacie
    April 9, 2010 9:21 am

    You are living both my dream and my nightmare. Thanks for sharing the love. :)



  43. Lauren
    April 9, 2010 9:46 am

    My husband makes it his duty to religiously clean my car. I mean, with the armor-all wipes and everything. He vacuums it and pulls out all the trash I throw in there at least weekly. Does your husband know that other husbands do this? : )

    I have literally drove around for half an hour looking for a place that is not parallel parking. I learned how to do it for exactly 30 minutes for my driving test, and after that purged it from my memory. I am not above pulling a Chinese fire drill to have my passenger to the parallel parking for me. You are not alone : )



  44. Lesley
    April 9, 2010 9:54 am

    Best. Post. Ever. I came back this morning just to read it again. [Finger guns] gets me every time.
    @scott bwahaha



  45. Beth
    April 9, 2010 10:00 am

    Ginny,
    I thought I was the only one in the burgh who could not parallel park. HA! I am using the inner ear thing on my husband. Genius.



  46. Madame Queen
    April 9, 2010 10:59 am

    OMG, thank you! I’m forwarding this post to my husband RIGHT NOW so that he can see that my car is not the only one!

    I CAN parallel park, but it’s mostly because my car is small. If anyone’s watching though, I totally ge the sweats.



  47. Roxy
    April 9, 2010 11:20 am

    I wish my Ipod RSS reader would allow me to see and do comments. I would comment more often! LOL Anywho I just wanted to drop a note and say I love reading your blog. You crack me up!



  48. Emilie
    April 9, 2010 11:21 am

    OMG! First – David Conrad. Um. Hi. Is he not awesome or what? And Second – I can’t parellel park either so no biggie there. I agree with Sue (#28) – I like to pretend I know you in real life and you are my very cool BFF.



  49. Nicole
    April 9, 2010 12:06 pm

    HILARIOUS! That was super funny and all of that same stuff would totally happen to me.

    p.s. LoOVE finger guns! :)