In which I never have to write about the Asshat again

[trying very hard not to come off as a preachy, sanctimonious, holier-than-thou, self-righteously indignant pilgrim]

In a move designed to, in my opinion, send a message to other members of the Steelers, especially Ben Roethlisberger, Santonio The Asshat Holmes, who this weekend was suspended for four games for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy, was traded to the New York Jets for, wait for it, a lifetime supply of New York-style pizzas.

I kid. But seriously, they might as well have traded him for lifetime pizza because what they’re getting in return is a fifth-round draft pick — the 153rd pick of the draft in exchange for a Super Bowl MVP arguably still at the prime of his football career.

The P-G reports that the Steelers were going to cut him today if the trade didn’t go through.


1.  And She saw that the heathen had been traded and She said, “Behold.  It is very good.”

That didn’t sound sanctimonious did it?

Hee. I’m joking, people.

2. But seriously, this is me, standing up and applauding the Steelers.  This is different than letting go Cedric Wilson or any other player with off-field criminal/personal problems who just so happened to be under-performing at the time of the incident.  It’s not as hard to decide to cut off a dying limb as it is a healthy one.  This is the Steelers basically having had it up to here, doing what many of us have been asking them to do for some time — take a public stand against the wanton douchebaggery of some of the Steelers who seem hell bent on giving the franchise a bad name, namely “The Bengals.”

Why, yes, Jeff and Benny, and even Matt Spaeth, I am in fact looking right at your guilty stupidfaces.

3.  What does this mean for Tyler Grisham?  Specifically, by what percentage does this raise the chances that us ladies will be gifted with additional shirtless pictures of his fine self?

And you guys say girls are shallow. Pssh.

4.  Did I expect Santonio the Steeler to be a pariah who spends his spare time painting churches, as I used to joke? No way.  Like most Steelers fans, I just expected him not to get in trouble with the law so damn much. To rein in the asshattery a bit, if you will. That never happened.  He flew the Asshat flag proudly.  Still does.

5.  Taking a fifth-round pick was an insult to Santonio Holmes but he will never see or accept that.  He will do what Santonio has always done … spin it like a Ludacris joint despite the fact that just hours before the trade was finalized, it seems by this Twitter retweet, Santonio thought he was going to be a Steeler this season:

So, to Santonio, I say this.  Despite what you will claim, you weren’t traded because it was what you really wanted all along.  You weren’t traded because everyone is jealous of you, your life, your money, and/or your talent.  You weren’t traded because of haters or e-thugs.  You weren’t traded because Pittsburgh couldn’t handle the Tone.

You were traded because you fail. You fail at not smoking weed.  You fail at controlling your emotions any better than a three-year-old throwing a tantrum over a dropped lollipop. You fail at being MORE than a man who can catch a football. You fail at being a role model for the non-prison sector. You especially fail at Twitter.

You were traded because winning actually isn’t everything, and you can take that to the bank you were heading to last week while you were laughing your ass off.  Remember that?

And with that, goodbye, good riddance, and here’s one final beat poem filled with the Asshat’s most recent tweets.  If it’s in bold, he actually tweeted it:

O, let’s do it! [bongo beats] STOP! Patience. [snap snap] Snap with me, here we go. [snap] Yo, yo, go kill urself. I love my fans, but you should kill urself. [bongo beat] If you ain’t first, you’re last, and I’m first in line for the morning bake.  [snap] Bake. Wake. Time to wake and bake and rise n’ grind. [bongo beat] What? [snap] Suspense. Suspended.  Suspension. Four games. Four snaps. [snap snap snap snap] The sun is not shining. [bongo beat] That will not stop the kid from grinding. [snap] I used to be a science guy back in high school. [bongo beats] Stop. Laughing. [snap] My house is glass. You should not throw stones at a glass house. [snap] Or something. [cigarette drag] I say. I say. Forget the rap sheet; check the stat sheet. [bongo beats] [snap] Funny how someone else’s success brings pain. [snap] Jets for a fifth round pick. Is this success? Stop.


  1. Rick
    April 12, 2010 11:36 am

    Think about this for a moment: Santonio’s gone from Pittsburgh’s night life to New York’s. This is going to be a hell of a train wreck to watch in the next year.

  2. bluzdude
    April 12, 2010 11:48 am

    I guess I’m going to have to stop referring to similar situations as getting “Bam Morrised”. Now it becomes “Getting Asshatted.”

  3. richrovs
    April 12, 2010 11:49 am

    Does this mean Ben is next? Should be.

  4. empirechick
    April 12, 2010 11:53 am

    The Steelers aren’t about sending messages, or they wouldn’t have franchised Skippy, they would have just let him go. They traded Holmes because a) this is the last year of his deal, b) without a CBA he will be unrestricted next year (too expensive to keep), c) this suspension is his 2nd strike, next time he’s out for a year, and d) if he’s going anyway, you might as well get something for him.

    Apparently he’s not as hot a commodity as people think, because not even the Raiders or Redskins bit on him, and they’ll take anybody.

    That being said: Good riddance, Asshat, I only hope Benny is shortly behind you.

  5. unsatisfied
    April 12, 2010 11:58 am

    santonio’s totally making out on this deal — much better weed in NYC.

  6. VAgirl
    April 12, 2010 12:02 pm

    Very good Ginni’ and I hope the Steeler Management(SM) get the other “lil bad boys” in line. Especially that 28 year old buffoon who in my opinion treats women like they are morsels to taste. I threw my number 7 jersey in the trash if only the SM would do the same.

  7. Erin
    April 12, 2010 12:14 pm

    “You weren’t traded because Pittsburgh couldn’t handle the Tone” – hee hee! Thank you for pre-emptively shooting down what you know he will say.

  8. Kathy
    April 12, 2010 12:15 pm

    I hope he is the first of many, and then maybe my kids can put their Steelers jerseys back in their closets.

  9. Sooska
    April 12, 2010 12:19 pm

    I do think it is about sending a message: you players are not bigger than the Steelers organization, and especially not when drugs, of any kind, are involved. Tone taunted the Steelers with his tweets, so what does anyone expect? His was a tweeting PR disaster. All the financials aside as listed by #4 above, his future liabilities outweighed his abilities and rewards. They knew for sure that in the end they were going to paying full salary to another guy to replace the Asshat to sit for a year for substance abuse.

  10. facie
    April 12, 2010 12:29 pm

    I do give the Rooneys/Steelers some credit; Santonio is a good player, so it is not like the Cedrick Wilson move. Man, SB MVP, one year removed, worth only a fifth round pick. Sheesh.

    If that DA somehow decides to file charges against Ben today (he won’t), and if the Steelers then traded or cut him, that would really say something about the Rooneys wanting to put the class back in the team. But for those of you who think that they should ditch BB just as they did Santonio, remember that BB is less of a criminal, at least as far as how many times he has been accused of something.

  11. Monty
    April 12, 2010 12:39 pm

    Somewhere in all this there’s probably a good joke about NYC, Plax, Santonio and something resembling a gun in his pocket, but I don’t have the energy to work it out.

  12. John
    April 12, 2010 12:48 pm

    In addition to the other reasons (#4) the development of the “newsman” Mike Wallace likely played into the thought process. Helps that you have someone else you can plug in (antoine’s return doesn’t hurt either)

  13. BagitTagit
    April 12, 2010 1:11 pm

    It was a football decision that happened to be a perfect marketing coup. Able to get rid of someone they weren’t going to re-sign anyways, who was a pain in the ass and wasn’t going to play at least 4 games in 2010. At the same time, make some headway at restoring the organization’s image.

    That’s worth a couple rounds in the draft which is essentially what they gave up not holding him till next year.

    Unfortunately, it won’t change anything for Pittsburgh to take the stand when the other teams will bring the players on board. The problem isn’t just the players. It’s the players, the owners, the franchises, the NCAA, the colleges, the high schools, etc. etc. It’s the fact that football players are exempt from the rules the rest of us live by from the minute they show they can sell tickets in whatever stadium they play in – high school. College. Pro. They spend their entire lives surrounded by people who are willing to look the other way as long as the paycheck is going to be big enough in the end.

    Why be a better person when there are always other opportunities to be an ass?

    The saving grace is some of them just don’t learn and exhaust all “chances”. Tone, it’s a LOCK, will fall into this category.

    Solution? Watch more hockey…

  14. Scott
    April 12, 2010 1:16 pm

    Love it.

  15. jim
    April 12, 2010 1:34 pm

    Somewhere, Limas Sweed is smiling

  16. Leslie in Dayton
    April 12, 2010 1:35 pm

    I was having kind of a crappy day, and then I heard the news. Hurray! I won’t miss him, but I will miss the beat poetry [snap]!

  17. Ecstatic Pitt Student
    April 12, 2010 1:36 pm

    I think this was a stupid move. Regardless of his indiscretions, the Steelers just traded a Superbowl MVP (and don’t tell me you didn’t love that tippy-toe catch) for a fifth round draft pick. They couldn’t find a better deal?

    I liked the Asshat. I didn’t care about the mistakes that didn’t cost him playing time because I know that I shouldn’t expect any more out of a professional athlete – ie – I didn’t make him into a role model for the little people in my life. When it interferes with his ability to play the sport, then it’s a problem. Something needed to be done. But boy was this a shitty deal.

  18. DG
    April 12, 2010 1:47 pm

    The Chief just stopped rolling in his grave. I heartily approve this move by the Steelers organization. Now, charges or no charges, they need to sit Bennie for a game or two, and maybe, just maybe, they’ll start to get the hint.

  19. Vivian formerly NY Luvs Pitts
    April 12, 2010 1:52 pm

    I was disgusted when I heard that they traded him for a 5th rounder. However, after reading your post and realizing that there will be no more Twitter Poetry…I’m speachless.

  20. z
    April 12, 2010 2:08 pm

    When I heard the news my first thought was about your post. I wasn’t disappointed. Congrats to the Steeler organization for taking a stand. Could they have gotten a better deal for the trade…who know, but now the asshat is someone else’s problem. He’s all your NY.

  21. Pensgirl
    April 12, 2010 2:10 pm

    I’m with empirechick and John. The Steelers do many things right, but let’s not kid ourselves…they’re just like any other team when it comes to “trouble” players. Santonio wasn’t sent packing to send a message or to set some standard for behavior, he’s gone because the trouble he got into directly affected games and because they believe they can live without him on Sundays.

  22. Joe K.
    April 12, 2010 2:11 pm

    This was a good move, I’ve been thinking something would happen since Tone’s nightclub incident. Football wise, he won’t be that hard to replace. If one of the new WR’s doesn’t work out they can just use the tight end more.

  23. tw
    April 12, 2010 2:25 pm

    No problem with the trade…glad to see him go..however I think it’s being used somewhat to distract from the Benny issue. My concerns are that Benny will get no punishment (in which he deserves). He already got off legally. If he doesn’t get suspended by the Rooneys or the NFL then it just looks the typical high profile quarterback being treated differently b/c of his position (and some will argue race). Sorry, but i cannot root for that guy this season. His presence is too disappointing and makes me ashamed to be a steeler fan.

  24. Adam Smith
    April 12, 2010 3:11 pm

    Goddamit when the Stllers got rid of Eric Green everything want down hill from there. So what he toke a few? Don’t evernyoe?

  25. SportyGal85
    April 12, 2010 3:26 pm

    What tw said: This is being done to distract from Ben. Instead making a real statement and punishing their SB winning quarterback for his constant off the field problems and bad judgment (Why would you take a drunk woman into a bathroom in the first place?), they used Santonio as a scapegoat…not cool at all.

  26. ScareHouse Scott
    April 12, 2010 3:47 pm

    And lo on the 12th day of April Ginny shall layest the smite-dahn upon the Asshat. And it was good. Very, very good. Good riddance, sayeth I.

  27. Matt Shaffer
    April 12, 2010 4:09 pm

    To all the Asshat supporters, we had him all last year and look where it got us. The Rooney’s aren’t dumb owners. They know what they’re doing. If they could have gotten a better deal, I’m sure they would have. They were going to cut him anyhow so they may as well get at least something out of it. But it’s kind of hard to get a good deal from someone who is viewed as a liability.

  28. CrashJK
    April 12, 2010 4:21 pm

    Now can they cut the bathroom r@p#$t too ?…even though he won’t be charged in a criminal court…we can only hope for a good civil suit !!

    LET’S GO PENS !!!

  29. bp
    April 12, 2010 6:19 pm

    as for Benny …. anyone know where Lorena Bobbit is these days ???

  30. Luke Steelerstahl
    April 12, 2010 6:21 pm

    How can you people judge football players when you keep electing ME to office?

  31. Jill
    April 12, 2010 7:12 pm

    I just said to a friend this morning…”Imagine the shenanigans Mr. Asshat can get himself into in NYC – he’ll be in prison before the end of 2011″…

  32. Erik
    April 12, 2010 7:32 pm

    Wow….i love all the perfect little angels in here throwing judment around on people. whats it like to have never done anything wrong in your life?

  33. Matthew C
    April 12, 2010 7:39 pm

    I’d be more okay with it if they’d got something for him. Regardless of what you think of his off the field actions, we just traded a Super Bowl MVP for a 5th round draft pick. Let that sink in for a while. I love all the people who want to get rid of our franchise quarterback as well. Do you people long for the days of 1998? We won’t make the playoffs this year. Write it down, right here, right now. This isn’t moralsball. It’s football. Who here is legitimately excited to see Limas (bleepin’) Sweed out there all season next year? (I know it was already gonna be four games) Seriously? It’ll be the late 90’s all over again, just watch.

  34. steeler_tom
    April 12, 2010 7:39 pm

    He’ll be replaced by someone else who will deserve the Ashat moniker….. I’m just sayin is all. Ya know?

  35. USCMike
    April 12, 2010 8:09 pm

    Unless they keep him in a cage at the Jets facility, he’s gonna be out roaming around NYC, just like Plaxico. And we know that this time around, the Asshat’s indiscretions might surpass those of Plax and someone will end up getting killed.

    I’m upset that we only got a 5th round pick for him, but I’m sure the other NFL GMs knew that he was real trouble if the Steelers were willing to just outright release him, so the Jets were at least willing to cast their 5th round bait into the water to see if the Rooneys would go for it and they did…

    All in all, this is going to be a very interesting NFL season and now we just wait for other shoe to drop when Ben meets with Goodell later this week. Wouldn’t we all want to be in on that conversation?? “So Big Ben, how about keeping little Ben in your pants when you’re out in public, you dumb ass!?”

  36. KGC
    April 12, 2010 8:41 pm

    @Adam Smith..

    You said “Goddamit when the Stllers got rid of Eric Green everything want down hill from there. So what he toke a few? Don’t evernyoe?”

    You might not want to smoke too much of that stuff when you’re posting replies.. sorta screws with the coherency/spelling thingy… just sayin’.

  37. PA girl trapped in VA
    April 12, 2010 10:12 pm

    @ TW – I am pretty sure that Ben is going to be in trouble for his actions. And if he isn’t then there are going to be a lot of pissed off people everywhere, including me. Here is what I think will happen, the Commissioner will suspend him and fine him. I believe he will have to go to substance abuse classes or something to that effect. Also, the Steelers will also do their own discipline with him.

    @Adam….NO not everyone does it, but I guess you do since you were having spelling issues.

  38. bucdaddy
    April 12, 2010 10:52 pm

    The guy was bad news at Ohio State. Everybody could see that, everybody knew that. Why the Steelers thought they could change him is beyond my comprehension. Like that hot chick who marries the guy everyone but her knows is an asshole. You just nod and dig into the buffet at the wedding, then sit back and wait for the divorce in 3 … 2 … 1 …

  39. Bojack
    April 12, 2010 11:31 pm

    Just counting the minutes until we hear Rev. Al Sharpton & Rev.
    Jesse Jackson wailing that the black man got traded and the white guys get scolded.

  40. MM
    April 13, 2010 12:49 am

    Benny will get more than a scolding. On top of that, Ben’s never been charged w/ anything nor has he admitted to anything-i.e. wake and bake.

    Additionally, this was a business decision. Holmes as more expendable and was not under contract after this year.

    W/ Reed and Harrison on this team, the Steelers are not as high and mighty as they would like everyone to think they were.

  41. Mel
    April 13, 2010 4:32 am

    Live here in NYC and as a Steelers fan, I must say that recent developments have been tough to swallow. Santonio more than got a fair chance after all of his run-ins with the law and I don’t blame the Steelers for parting ways with him. He was ridiculous. But I must say, New York Steeler fans are kinda soured by a lot (not all) of Pittsburgh giving Roethlisberger a bit of a pass. Yeah, he was never charged, but talk about violating the Player’s Conduct Policy in the worst way. After hearing details in the press conference, my stomach kind of turned. One accusation, fine. Two, gotta start scratching your head and begin to wonder why this dude puts himself in a position to be accused. Santonio is a moron but Big Ben isn’t far behind and I hate to say this, but maybe he needs to go. Motorcycle incident, two sexual assault allegations…when is dude going to humble himself before reaching rock bottom? Go Steelers and hat tip to the organization for trying to clean this squad up. Sorry Santonio. Truth hurts.

  42. Audrey
    April 13, 2010 9:59 am

    Under the terms of the NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement, a team losing more or better compensatory free agents than it signs in a year, is eligible to receive compensatory draft picks. Holmes would have been a free agent in 2011 and demanded more money than the Steelers would have been willing to pay him. Trading for the 5th round pick sends a very clear message to Holmes, and management doesn’t have to deal with his criminal behavior for another year.

    Thanks, Ginny! Great post!

  43. SC 'Burgher
    April 13, 2010 10:00 am

    How will Asshat enjoy his suspension? Will he?:

    a.) shoot himself in the ass like Plexiglass,
    b.) shoot someone else in the ass,
    c.) hang out with Pacman Jones at Scores,
    d.) Both b & c,
    e.) All of the above.

    I vote for “d”.

    Look out Benny – the commish is coming for you. You’ll be sitting for 4 games if there’s justice in the league.

  44. Me
    April 13, 2010 11:24 am

    @Matthew C. —

    I understand your sentiments and have wrestled with them a bit, but, heck we didn’t make the playoffs this past year. And we have made the playoffs for a lot of seasons with mediocre quarterbacks. I’m all for rebuilding. Let’s see what we can get for Benny before the draft and let the Dennis Dixon/Tim Tebow/who ever else we can draft era begin.

    There is a reason I’m not a Bengals or Ravens fan and it doesn’t have to do solely with a winning tradition. I grew up in the 70s. The Steelers I rooted for were bad guys on the field, not off. Lambert was a maniac on the field, but you did not hear of run-ins with the law off of the field. Give me more players like Troy, and get rid of those who cause a distraction from the game.

  45. Tyler's aunt
    May 7, 2010 12:37 pm

    “3. What does this mean for Tyler Grisham? Specifically, by what percentage does this raise the chances that us ladies will be gifted with additional shirtless pictures of his fine self?”

    I’m his aunt, so I can dig in the family photos and see what I have. Go T, go Number 19!!!!!

  46. Virginia
    May 7, 2010 12:53 pm

    Tyler’s Aunt,

    I accept! You should email them to me to virginia [at] thatschurch [dot] com!

  47. Tyler's aunt
    May 7, 2010 1:21 pm

    Don’t you really want to see the cute photos of him when he was a youngster? oh yeah, he’s got two really cute little brothers, too.

  48. Virginia
    May 7, 2010 3:37 pm

    Yes! Cute baby photos or youngster photos work too. ;)