[trying very hard not to come off as a preachy, sanctimonious, holier-than-thou, self-righteously indignant pilgrim]
In a move designed to, in my opinion, send a message to other members of the Steelers, especially Ben Roethlisberger, Santonio The Asshat Holmes, who this weekend was suspended for four games for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy, was traded to the New York Jets for, wait for it, a lifetime supply of New York-style pizzas.
I kid. But seriously, they might as well have traded him for lifetime pizza because what they’re getting in return is a fifth-round draft pick — the 153rd pick of the draft in exchange for a Super Bowl MVP arguably still at the prime of his football career.
The P-G reports that the Steelers were going to cut him today if the trade didn’t go through.
1. And She saw that the heathen had been traded and She said, “Behold. It is very good.”
That didn’t sound sanctimonious did it?
Hee. I’m joking, people.
2. But seriously, this is me, standing up and applauding the Steelers. This is different than letting go Cedric Wilson or any other player with off-field criminal/personal problems who just so happened to be under-performing at the time of the incident. It’s not as hard to decide to cut off a dying limb as it is a healthy one. This is the Steelers basically having had it up to here, doing what many of us have been asking them to do for some time — take a public stand against the wanton douchebaggery of some of the Steelers who seem hell bent on giving the franchise a bad name, namely “The Bengals.”
Why, yes, Jeff and Benny, and even Matt Spaeth, I am in fact looking right at your guilty stupidfaces.
3. What does this mean for Tyler Grisham? Specifically, by what percentage does this raise the chances that us ladies will be gifted with additional shirtless pictures of his fine self?
And you guys say girls are shallow. Pssh.
4. Did I expect Santonio the Steeler to be a pariah who spends his spare time painting churches, as I used to joke? No way. Like most Steelers fans, I just expected him not to get in trouble with the law so damn much. To rein in the asshattery a bit, if you will. That never happened. He flew the Asshat flag proudly. Still does.
5. Taking a fifth-round pick was an insult to Santonio Holmes but he will never see or accept that. He will do what Santonio has always done … spin it like a Ludacris joint despite the fact that just hours before the trade was finalized, it seems by this Twitter retweet, Santonio thought he was going to be a Steeler this season:
So, to Santonio, I say this. Despite what you will claim, you weren’t traded because it was what you really wanted all along. You weren’t traded because everyone is jealous of you, your life, your money, and/or your talent. You weren’t traded because of haters or e-thugs. You weren’t traded because Pittsburgh couldn’t handle the Tone.
You were traded because you fail. You fail at not smoking weed. You fail at controlling your emotions any better than a three-year-old throwing a tantrum over a dropped lollipop. You fail at being MORE than a man who can catch a football. You fail at being a role model for the non-prison sector. You especially fail at Twitter.
You were traded because winning actually isn’t everything, and you can take that to the bank you were heading to last week while you were laughing your ass off. Remember that?
And with that, goodbye, good riddance, and here’s one final beat poem filled with the Asshat’s most recent tweets. If it’s in bold, he actually tweeted it:
O, let’s do it! [bongo beats] STOP! Patience. [snap snap] Snap with me, here we go. [snap] Yo, yo, go kill urself. I love my fans, but you should kill urself. [bongo beat] If you ain’t first, you’re last, and I’m first in line for the morning bake. [snap] Bake. Wake. Time to wake and bake and rise n’ grind. [bongo beat] What? [snap] Suspense. Suspended. Suspension. Four games. Four snaps. [snap snap snap snap] The sun is not shining. [bongo beat] That will not stop the kid from grinding. [snap] I used to be a science guy back in high school. [bongo beats] Stop. Laughing. [snap] My house is glass. You should not throw stones at a glass house. [snap] Or something. [cigarette drag] I say. I say. Forget the rap sheet; check the stat sheet. [bongo beats] [snap] Funny how someone else’s success brings pain. [snap] Jets for a fifth round pick. Is this success? Stop.