The Prince of Douche

Listen, I know you’re tired of these posts.  Dudes, I am tired of WRITING these posts, but I can’t let yesterday’s events go by without cathartically (surprisingly, not a word) purging the snark in my soul about them.

Yesterday, it was announced that Benny would not face criminal charges for the events that happened in a Georgia nightclub.  This announcement came down in a press conference during which the DA said, “We prosecute crimes, not morals,” and told Benny to “grow up.”

Benny then held his own press conference to say:

“I’m truly sorry for the disappointment and negative attention I brought to my family, my teammates, coaches, the Rooneys and the NFL. I understand that the opportunities I have been blessed with are a privilege, and much is expected of me as the quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers. I absolutely want to be the leader this team deserves, valued in the community and a role model to kids. I have much work to do to earn this trust. And I’m committed to improving and showing everyone my true values.”

Oh, Benny.  I think the problem here is that we HAVE FINALLY SEEN YOUR TRUE VALUES, my friend.  I gotta admit, you did a nice job of hiding them for quite a long time.

There are still lots of questions hanging in the air.  Did Benny pay her off?  Did she hurt her head and have genital bruising and bleeding because he assaulted her or because they were having passionate sex in a five-foot wide dingy bathroom? Will he face fines or suspension from the NFL and/or the Steelers for the fact that he’s a man-whore having random sex with random girls in random places?  Those questions will be answered at some point in time, I’m sure.

However, here’s a question that we may never know the answer to … did someone lose their pet ferret, because I think it died on Benny’s head.

Can we talk about this please?

1.  First of all, if you were holding a press conference to say you aren’t beating your woman, you don’t show up in a wife-beater.  If you’re holding a press conference to say that you don’t do drugs, you don’t show up in a cloud of marijuana smoke.  If you’re holding a press conference to say that, no, you did not have sex with that woman, you don’t show up with your stripper-glitter-bedazzled penis hanging out of your pants.  Likewise, if you’re holding a press conference to say that you’re going to stop being a douche, you do not show up with a hairstyle so nouveau douchy that we don’t yet have a name for it.

Is it a mullet?  Is it a mohawk?  Is it a mollet?  A faux-let?  A mullhawk?  Regardless, someone needs to shoot it off of his head before it breeds.

2.  Did he actually go to a barber and say, “Business on the sides and party down the airstrip?”

3.  Did no one in his life, not his father, his step-mother, his sister, his coach, his agent, his giant posse of douche-friends, have the cojones to say to him, “You missed a spot down the middle there. Or were you going for the if Joe Dirt was a mobster look?”

All kidding aside, the Code of Conduct of the NFL seems clear and therefore Benny should be punished, if not by the team, then by the league.

He should be punished for plying those already-drunk girls with shots.  He should be punished for following that girl into the restroom and for whatever happened after that.  And he should REALLY be punished for that as-yet-to-be-named abomination on his head.

Roethlis-hawk?

Mullet-berger?

BigBenllet?

Mullethawkenberger?

I could go on all day.

Hawklletberger?

Roethlis-hawkllet?





97 Comments


  1. Marie
    April 13, 2010 7:38 pm

    The girl was 20. He should at least get in trouble for providing alcohol to someone underage :/



  2. Claudia
    April 13, 2010 7:41 pm

    I love it! When I saw this little ‘press conference’, I didn’t even listen to what he was saying. The hair, stubble, clothes screamed ‘guilty’. He hasn’t learned his lesson, and won’t until something drastic happens to him.



  3. barbian1
    April 13, 2010 7:48 pm

    I cannot take credit for this but my fb friend’s status read:

    “When did we trade Ben for Dog the Bounty Hunter?”

    (:



  4. Bojack
    April 13, 2010 8:01 pm

    Jeff Reed, one year contract, $2.8 million!

    FG Attempt-31

    FG Made-27

    PCT-87.1

    That’s like $100K per field goal, good work if you can get it!!

    :-)



  5. Bojack
    April 13, 2010 8:03 pm

    PS- I don’t see any $$ in there for tackles! :-)



  6. bp
    April 13, 2010 8:19 pm

    I have to agree with # 18 above, the bedazzled comment sent me into tears of laughter.

    The sight of that greasy mess on his head gives him that unique look, which fits the personality that has emerged … skankymanwhore.



  7. ajb
    April 13, 2010 8:23 pm

    I think he slicks his hair back with vinegar and water…



  8. PittCheMBA
    April 13, 2010 8:23 pm

    He looks like he is related to Chewbacca, the Wookie, from the Star Wars movies.



  9. Moe the Dog
    April 13, 2010 8:29 pm

    The haircut should be called the Benapaloozer



  10. LuckyDog
    April 13, 2010 9:28 pm

    FLASH! TMZ posted photo of Benny arriving in New York this afternoon for NFL meeting. The thing is GONE! And, it appears he is wearing a normal suit — not something he got at The Zoot Wearhouse. A friend of mine tagged the style as a “modified skeezehawk”, by the way…



  11. Sofa King
    April 13, 2010 9:28 pm

    Really? Who gives a damn. Move on.



  12. LH
    April 13, 2010 9:30 pm

    I love that when I roll my mouse/arrow over the pic it says “kill it!”…. hahaha!!!



  13. jan
    April 13, 2010 9:34 pm

    #55 Bojack –
    Good one! Reed is such a weenie! It drives me nuts to see him running the other way when a tackle could save the day.



  14. Keith from Da Burgh
    April 13, 2010 10:15 pm

    Lets call his haircut “The Massengill”



  15. MM
    April 13, 2010 10:16 pm

    HA HA #53.

    I’m hoping that either himself or the Steelers hire a very good PR person-no way someone should have let that conference go down the way it did yesterday.

    I think he can still turn this around although this will be w/ him the rest of his life (aka Ray Lewis)…that being said if there is another serious situation (aka NOT someone saying he also invited her in a VIP area and might have touched her ass or whatever) than I think he is toast and will be released or traded-then become public enemy #1 w/ Steeler Nation—what a turn around that would be.



  16. MM
    April 13, 2010 10:17 pm

    Also, hate the whole Steelers have integrity stuff while Reed got signed TODAY!



  17. (ChickLit) Lisa
    April 13, 2010 10:19 pm

    I read “Mollet” as Moilet (as in rhyming with Toilet). Think that is a good name for whatever is on his head.



  18. Cathie
    April 13, 2010 10:34 pm

    Another post that has me in tears, i’m laughing so hard.

    Born in Pittsburgh, live in Montana and ALWAYS a Steeler fan – but the antics of late are a disappointment. Your posts make them funny, though.

    Ben? How much friggin’ grease did he have on his head? Good God, I was mesmerized by his hair in a bad car accident kind of way.

    Ugh.



  19. aunt penny
    April 13, 2010 11:03 pm

    haircut name…the predator……….



  20. Riverrat
    April 13, 2010 11:43 pm

    Pitt Girl criticizes haircut and LO within hours it is changed.

    He totally looked like a sleazy porn star before. Good job, Ginny!



  21. USCMike
    April 13, 2010 11:56 pm

    I’m just worried that the last time some big media star went over the edge, she shaved her head (Ms. Spears), then beat on someone with an umbrella and worse yet, was out their showing off her shaved genitals. Please Ben, stop at the haircut, we just got rid of the GFSP toting idiot (or was that a toking idiot?)!!



  22. USCMike
    April 13, 2010 11:59 pm

    oops, hit submit too fast, meant ‘there’ not ‘their’. Must have slipped on Ben’s hair…



  23. MrsGJG
    April 14, 2010 1:25 am

    The Predator! Now that’s funny.

    I am just SO tired of Ben. SO tired. You know you’re sleazy when Tiger Woods comes out of his whole downward spiral back into the spotlight and everyone’s talking about YOU.

    Somewhere, Tiger’s all *Whew!*



  24. redram1
    April 14, 2010 7:25 am

    2. Did he actually go to a barber and say, “Business on the sides and party down the airstrip?”

    What? He had a bikini waxing too??



  25. PG Wodehouse
    April 14, 2010 7:44 am

    Bojack – you forgot to factor in missed tackles. That makes him totally worth the money.



  26. burgher-licious
    April 14, 2010 8:07 am

    Classic – “Business on the sides and party down the airstrip?” Just about sums everything up for me.



  27. unsatisfied
    April 14, 2010 8:19 am

    the funny thing is — once ben comes back from suspension and throws a winning TD or reed kicks a winning FG, all will be forgiven in steelers nation.



  28. Tiffany
    April 14, 2010 8:38 am

    His hairstyle reminds me of my first boyfriend who I dated back in 1996.



  29. Mr. T and Billy Ray Cyrus' Love Child
    April 14, 2010 8:57 am

    Tiffany — How have you been? I’ve missed you.



  30. northside15212
    April 14, 2010 9:34 am

    Ben has irreparably damaged his relationship with the City of Pittsburgh and SteelerNation and NO amount of high-priced public relations executives, counseling, image makeovers, or wins can save this marriage; the Rooneys know this and have directed the Steelers front office to begin shopping a deal, likely to be executed before the start of the 2011 season. Ben is not far enough into his pricey contract to dispense with a transaction as hastily as Mr. Holmes, but rest assured, in the eyes of the Rooneys, he is no longer a Steeler. One need only imagine the vulgarities heaped upon the Steelers and their fans in every city on their “Away” schedule and on every national telecast to understand how intolerable this situation is for the Rooneys. Remember, a civil trial must still be endured, during which it is likely that the plaintiff’s counsel will put on a parade of Ben’s would-be VIP hookups to provide and unendurable amount of grotesque detail of Mr. Roethlisberger’s sexual conduct. I can’t imagine the Rooneys wanting the organization tarred with the brush of an immature, drunken, fraternity jackass who may or may not have a taste for underage, forcible sex in “dingy” bathrooms. Ebay your #7 jerseys now, folks; in 9 months they’ll be as coveted as the $3 Jason Bay Pirates jerseys being sold at the Pittsburgh Fan on Federal Street.



  31. Steve in Denver
    April 14, 2010 10:29 am

    Rapelishawkmuffletberger



  32. NAM
    April 14, 2010 10:33 am

    So, after seeing the new buzz cut, here’s what I think happened:
    Ben was in the middle of getting shaved, when he realized, “Oh, hold up, I got that press conference thing, could we finish this later, yo?”



  33. Aly
    April 14, 2010 10:40 am

    AMAZING post! I almost peed my pants laughing :)



  34. LaShon Jackson
    April 14, 2010 10:57 am

    Awesome article!



  35. Boones Farm
    April 14, 2010 11:14 am

    Ben, no excuse for your behavior. Have your brain checked, I think the concussions have knocked something loose. Maybe the NFL can use you as a Poster Boy?



  36. Liz
    April 14, 2010 12:08 pm

    So that’s where my ferret ended up – Poor thing!



  37. Keith
    April 14, 2010 1:33 pm

    That is Ben’s impersonation of “cousin Eddie” from Vacation, European Vacation, Vegas Vacation, and Christmas Vacation.



  38. ManInBlack
    April 14, 2010 1:44 pm

    His hair gets worse in every picture I see of him. Even in Pittsburgh, where the mullett is still considered in fashion, that is just an abomination.



  39. Deby
    April 14, 2010 1:48 pm

    Jill @ 32, thank you. The HuffPo article is worse, and as I said – at least, the last I checked – he (Dexter Rogers) was taking some flak. I, too, have heard about this alleged 3rd incident and…well, I know this isn’t going to win me much popularity here, but…does anybody but me think this is a little suspicious? I mean, I’m not at ALL saying that Roethlisberger isn’t guilty of some skeevy behavior. And OF COURSE, he could be paying them off. But…why now, when this ostensibly happened many months ago? And, sorry…the Vegas thing just seemed WEIRD. She sounded like a crazy moonbat. Again, I’m not totally defending some MAJOR assholery, but I think some of this is a bit much. I do, however, applaud the Rooneys, and am super-proud of my native city (I presently live – unfortunately – in OH; I miss home!) and its fans, ALL of whom seem to be thoroughly behind the decision to get rid of Holmes (whom I’ve LONG declared “not a Steeler”, the same thing I said about Plax, Porter, and several others). I so love that Pgh. stands for something – and that may be one of Ben’s BIGGEST crimes; diminishing that unquantifiable “something” that always distinguished the Steelers and made the franchise a standout in the League – and is not a “win at any cost” city. But ANY racial slant on these situations – I mean, a franchise headed by THE ROONEYS? – is ridiculously unwarranted and detracts from the issues at hand.



  40. Dan
    April 14, 2010 1:55 pm

    liked this one:
    Terry Bradshaw+Benny=Dumb and Dumber



  41. butcher's dog
    April 14, 2010 2:24 pm

    I’m kinda peeved at the frequent use of “fraternity” to describe Ben and Luke and others. Can we wipe out this stereotype, please? Many fraternity men are serious students who grow up to be sober and productive citizens. We’re not all “Old School” and “Animal House”. If we need a word to describe this behavior, “immature” is a polite word and “asshole” is a more accurate one.



  42. Carol P
    April 14, 2010 2:53 pm

    @ 91. Sorry, but immature asshole is, by definition what a “typical” frat-boy is. MOST frat-boys grow out of that behavior, but some never do. That is why frat-boy works with Benny and Luckey. I would have no problem with my son joining a fraternity. At 17-20 years old I would expect that behavior. At 28 it no longer works…which is why Ben should never have been looking for action in a college bar.



  43. Carol P
    April 14, 2010 2:55 pm

    oops. Lukey…



  44. Emily
    April 14, 2010 3:25 pm

    Seriously though, if he truly assaulted these “women” (I use that term loosely)the dirt bag needs to spend time in jail. I was laughing over the hawklessberger’s do names you came up with.



  45. Jenn
    April 14, 2010 3:30 pm

    Your best post yet!



  46. Michele
    April 14, 2010 4:50 pm

    Off topic, but does anyone know if the Ikea gift card was ever given away? I might have missed the announcement.



  47. Bojack
    April 14, 2010 5:25 pm

    @Carol P-

    30 is the new 17!! :-)