Listen, I know you’re tired of these posts. Dudes, I am tired of WRITING these posts, but I can’t let yesterday’s events go by without cathartically (surprisingly, not a word) purging the snark in my soul about them.
Yesterday, it was announced that Benny would not face criminal charges for the events that happened in a Georgia nightclub. This announcement came down in a press conference during which the DA said, “We prosecute crimes, not morals,” and told Benny to “grow up.”
Benny then held his own press conference to say:
“I’m truly sorry for the disappointment and negative attention I brought to my family, my teammates, coaches, the Rooneys and the NFL. I understand that the opportunities I have been blessed with are a privilege, and much is expected of me as the quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers. I absolutely want to be the leader this team deserves, valued in the community and a role model to kids. I have much work to do to earn this trust. And I’m committed to improving and showing everyone my true values.”
Oh, Benny. I think the problem here is that we HAVE FINALLY SEEN YOUR TRUE VALUES, my friend. I gotta admit, you did a nice job of hiding them for quite a long time.
There are still lots of questions hanging in the air. Did Benny pay her off? Did she hurt her head and have genital bruising and bleeding because he assaulted her or because they were having passionate sex in a five-foot wide dingy bathroom? Will he face fines or suspension from the NFL and/or the Steelers for the fact that he’s a man-whore having random sex with random girls in random places? Those questions will be answered at some point in time, I’m sure.
However, here’s a question that we may never know the answer to … did someone lose their pet ferret, because I think it died on Benny’s head.
Can we talk about this please?
1. First of all, if you were holding a press conference to say you aren’t beating your woman, you don’t show up in a wife-beater. If you’re holding a press conference to say that you don’t do drugs, you don’t show up in a cloud of marijuana smoke. If you’re holding a press conference to say that, no, you did not have sex with that woman, you don’t show up with your stripper-glitter-bedazzled penis hanging out of your pants. Likewise, if you’re holding a press conference to say that you’re going to stop being a douche, you do not show up with a hairstyle so nouveau douchy that we don’t yet have a name for it.
Is it a mullet? Is it a mohawk? Is it a mollet? A faux-let? A mullhawk? Regardless, someone needs to shoot it off of his head before it breeds.
2. Did he actually go to a barber and say, “Business on the sides and party down the airstrip?”
3. Did no one in his life, not his father, his step-mother, his sister, his coach, his agent, his giant posse of douche-friends, have the cojones to say to him, “You missed a spot down the middle there. Or were you going for the if Joe Dirt was a mobster look?”
All kidding aside, the Code of Conduct of the NFL seems clear and therefore Benny should be punished, if not by the team, then by the league.
He should be punished for plying those already-drunk girls with shots. He should be punished for following that girl into the restroom and for whatever happened after that. And he should REALLY be punished for that as-yet-to-be-named abomination on his head.
I could go on all day.