The Prince of Douche

Listen, I know you’re tired of these posts.  Dudes, I am tired of WRITING these posts, but I can’t let yesterday’s events go by without cathartically (surprisingly, not a word) purging the snark in my soul about them.

Yesterday, it was announced that Benny would not face criminal charges for the events that happened in a Georgia nightclub.  This announcement came down in a press conference during which the DA said, “We prosecute crimes, not morals,” and told Benny to “grow up.”

Benny then held his own press conference to say:

“I’m truly sorry for the disappointment and negative attention I brought to my family, my teammates, coaches, the Rooneys and the NFL. I understand that the opportunities I have been blessed with are a privilege, and much is expected of me as the quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers. I absolutely want to be the leader this team deserves, valued in the community and a role model to kids. I have much work to do to earn this trust. And I’m committed to improving and showing everyone my true values.”

Oh, Benny.  I think the problem here is that we HAVE FINALLY SEEN YOUR TRUE VALUES, my friend.  I gotta admit, you did a nice job of hiding them for quite a long time.

There are still lots of questions hanging in the air.  Did Benny pay her off?  Did she hurt her head and have genital bruising and bleeding because he assaulted her or because they were having passionate sex in a five-foot wide dingy bathroom? Will he face fines or suspension from the NFL and/or the Steelers for the fact that he’s a man-whore having random sex with random girls in random places?  Those questions will be answered at some point in time, I’m sure.

However, here’s a question that we may never know the answer to … did someone lose their pet ferret, because I think it died on Benny’s head.

Can we talk about this please?

1.  First of all, if you were holding a press conference to say you aren’t beating your woman, you don’t show up in a wife-beater.  If you’re holding a press conference to say that you don’t do drugs, you don’t show up in a cloud of marijuana smoke.  If you’re holding a press conference to say that, no, you did not have sex with that woman, you don’t show up with your stripper-glitter-bedazzled penis hanging out of your pants.  Likewise, if you’re holding a press conference to say that you’re going to stop being a douche, you do not show up with a hairstyle so nouveau douchy that we don’t yet have a name for it.

Is it a mullet?  Is it a mohawk?  Is it a mollet?  A faux-let?  A mullhawk?  Regardless, someone needs to shoot it off of his head before it breeds.

2.  Did he actually go to a barber and say, “Business on the sides and party down the airstrip?”

3.  Did no one in his life, not his father, his step-mother, his sister, his coach, his agent, his giant posse of douche-friends, have the cojones to say to him, “You missed a spot down the middle there. Or were you going for the if Joe Dirt was a mobster look?”

All kidding aside, the Code of Conduct of the NFL seems clear and therefore Benny should be punished, if not by the team, then by the league.

He should be punished for plying those already-drunk girls with shots.  He should be punished for following that girl into the restroom and for whatever happened after that.  And he should REALLY be punished for that as-yet-to-be-named abomination on his head.





I could go on all day.




  1. Magnus Patris
    April 13, 2010 2:53 pm

    Dummy Cut. But that is an insult to dummies.

  2. Stacey
    April 13, 2010 2:55 pm

    I admit, I used to think Ben was relatively hot. I think my eyeglass prescription may have been wrong for the first few years of his career. But my goodness, what is that look he is going for now? Rumor is that he got it all cut off before his meeting with NFL commissioner. Let’s hope.

  3. Chris
    April 13, 2010 2:56 pm

    I finally figured out who Ben’s nose has been reminding me of:

  4. Tracy in SC
    April 13, 2010 2:58 pm

    That hair is just another of his many bad bad judgements.

  5. MessyDee
    April 13, 2010 3:03 pm

    What about the stubble? Is he growing his Pens playoff beard?

  6. Penny Lane
    April 13, 2010 3:11 pm

    The paparazzi have captured shots of Ben going in to face the music with the Comish with the fugly hair shaved off. Maybe the plan was to look as ugly as possible for the apology and then shave it all off to show he’s making improvements? Regardless, just thankful the burgh has one less thing to be embarrassed over!

  7. Megan
    April 13, 2010 3:14 pm

    Just lost it after I read, “pet ferret.” Thank you for making my day.

  8. PittinDC
    April 13, 2010 3:14 pm

    That haircut was totally popular when I was in high school, and I’m Ben’s age.. so maybe he was just reliving his youth? Still.. so fug.

  9. Suburban Nor'Side Girl
    April 13, 2010 3:21 pm

    Like Megan, I lost it after “pet ferret.” By the time I got to “Roethlis-hawkllet” I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I have to admit though that I feel just a bit guilty ROFLMAO over something so serious, i.e., the situation that necessitated your lambasting of his extremely questionable taste in coiffures. But then, everything about BB has been questionable lately.

  10. missy
    April 13, 2010 3:22 pm


  11. Elle C.
    April 13, 2010 3:22 pm

    I also love that in this picture Ben has three, yes THREE chins (go ahead, scroll up and count ’em)! He looks like a hot, slobby mess and did a horrible job convincing the public that he’s NOT a skeevy sexual predator.

  12. LucyLou
    April 13, 2010 3:24 pm

    You know what sucks the most about all of this? Our fabulous Penguins — a group of fine young male athletes who represent the city well and make us all proud to call them ours — are about to begin round 1 of the Stanley Cup playoffs tomorrow night to defend their title. And right now they are second page news because of Ben’s fugly hair and ridonkulous inability to keep Little Benjamin holstered. I’ve over the Ben talk….let’s celebrate our fabulous Penguins. You can’t find one bad haircut within that group! Let’s go Pens!

  13. Monty
    April 13, 2010 3:25 pm

    That’s a grease waterfall. That shrewish Kate dancing babymachine lady has met her match.

  14. Kathy
    April 13, 2010 3:35 pm

    First, love the fact that if you scroll over the fugly hair, you have it set to say “Kill it!” HA! Second, I can’t agree more with comment #12….I had to laugh last night that the news ran in this order #1 Ben is a douche; #2 Santonio is a douche and was traded; #3 Jeff Reed is a douche but got off with community service; and #4 oh, by the way, the Penguins are playing for the Stanley Cup. HELLO???!??!? Let’s reward the good behavior, not the bad. *sigh* GO PENS!

  15. bigslacker
    April 13, 2010 3:37 pm

    lay off the bad haircut, NASA Mullet.

  16. Deby
    April 13, 2010 3:37 pm

    I have no Twitter acct. but am wondering…who is the race-card-playing-writer to whom you are referring? If it’s that idiot over at the HuffPo…I think he’s getting some serious flak about the comment. Almost as much as Holmes is – or should be – getting over trying to say that someone hacked his account. What a waste. Oh, and…sorry about this…I haven’t seen the press conf., but I’ve read the transcript. Give the poor guy SOMETHING. At the very least, I think that he’s seeing the light of day, and…I’m not 100% sure that there’s not at least an element of show-me-the-money here. This is not to excuse abhorrent behavior, no. And I think he’s guilty of that, at least. But how does Ben’s mea culpa stand in comparison to Holmes’s – and I’m paraphrasing here – comments that he doesn’t see that he needs to dig himself out of any hole, and that the Jets are just standing there with open arms – all he has to do is walk into them. I think that the contrast between their public commentaries sort of speaks for itself.

  17. Beatrice
    April 13, 2010 3:42 pm

    Definitely mullhawk.

  18. Aliza
    April 13, 2010 3:46 pm

    Best quote of whole post. “If you’re holding a press conference to say that, no, you did not have sex with that woman, you don’t show up with your stripper-glitter-bedazzled penis hanging out of your pants.” OH GOOD LORD I WOULD HAVE WENT BLIND IF THAT WAS THE CASE.

  19. Sooska
    April 13, 2010 3:46 pm

    That ain’t no ferret, that’s what left of Awesum Possum after being hit by The Bus.

    Ben has morphed into Mark Madden. (Is it any wonder that the O line hasn’t protected him for a couple years now?)

  20. Sue
    April 13, 2010 3:47 pm

    Wow! That close-up of the hairstyle is scary. What stylist thought this looked good enough to go to a news conference with? Yikes!

  21. TTG
    April 13, 2010 3:49 pm

    Perhaps the hair was to keep everyone from talking about him being a man whore?

  22. Politicalpartypooper
    April 13, 2010 3:51 pm

    I think we call already call them hairplugs, Ginny. But if you want to come up with a new name, have at it. I never did like the idea of someone plugging pubic hair into their scalp.

  23. annietiques
    April 13, 2010 3:52 pm

    Ginny, I’ve waited for this post all day!! May I say that you never disappoint me; I hope and pray the Rooney’s are reading your blog!!

  24. Politicalpartypooper
    April 13, 2010 3:53 pm

    Not being from Pittsburgh, this might be way off, but I do remember a certain ballplayer who seemed to have the same high sense of himself, and the same cluelessness when it came to public reaction to his antics.

    Ben reminds me totally of Barry Bonds.

  25. Carpetbagger
    April 13, 2010 4:01 pm

    The more I stare at him (please make me stop), the more he just morphs into Will Ferrell in “Old School”. After the commish, we’re all going streaking!!!

    And I think that’s a reverse mullett. It’s short everywhere a mullet’s long, and long everywhere a mullet’s short. I’m calling it a Tellum.

  26. Kristy
    April 13, 2010 4:01 pm

    Thanks for cracking me up yet again :) Your posts are hilarious and I am so thankful to read your spin on all things Pittsburgh-related – even when it is something like Roethhawkmullet.

  27. Me
    April 13, 2010 4:08 pm

    Isn’t that Jesse James’s hair style? It isn’t working for him either…

  28. richrovs
    April 13, 2010 4:17 pm

    Great one. Love the hair cut names, you say it the best.

  29. empirechick
    April 13, 2010 4:21 pm

    Monty @ 13 FTW! Hilarious – Best comment I’ve seen in a LONG time!

  30. Elmer Fudd
    April 13, 2010 4:24 pm

    Ben is just going for the middle-aged alcoholic look..Who knows, maybe it is big where he is from..I bet it is big where he is heading..

  31. Geezer in training
    April 13, 2010 4:25 pm

    For those who haven’t seen Terry B’s wise counsel on the topic — or his latest haircut, take a gander

  32. Jill
    April 13, 2010 4:28 pm

    Deby @ 16 – I think the article might be this os by Ron Cook

  33. bucdaddy
    April 13, 2010 4:29 pm

    Us bald-spot guys know that as the Combback. In this case, the Quarterback Combback. Bennie’s covering up SOMETHING, and once again, it isn’t the crime they get you on, it’s the coverup.

  34. Sooska
    April 13, 2010 4:30 pm

    AWWWWW the mullet is gone. Long live the socially acceptable buzz cut in a suit.

  35. unsatisfied
    April 13, 2010 4:39 pm

    how about douchemullet? sounds french….

  36. Scott
    April 13, 2010 4:56 pm

    I believe that variation is called the “Mississippi Mudflap”.

  37. SusanV
    April 13, 2010 5:00 pm

    As I said on twitter yesterday: Dear Ben, the DA may say you didn’t do it, but your hairdo says otherwise.

    And now to be accused a third time?!

    I’m so over Ben Mulletmohawkdirtybathroomwhoreberger.

  38. Scott L
    April 13, 2010 5:10 pm

    Is Brett Favre coming back to the Vikings? Wow, did I really type that?

  39. Baba Wawa
    April 13, 2010 5:16 pm

    tmz is hinting there may be another one

  40. Jen
    April 13, 2010 5:33 pm

    Baba Wawa, John Steigerwald has a link on his blog about it, too. I guess there’s an attorney in Boston who said he investigated a third incident in a Las Vegas nightclub six months ago:

  41. Elmer Palmer
    April 13, 2010 5:41 pm

    I wish he’d go gay already.

  42. seafoamverde
    April 13, 2010 5:46 pm

    LOL…that post was sooo funny! i’m glad he decided to shave it all off today…only about a year too late in my opinion. now that his head looks slightly better he needs to just hit the gym and get back in shape and skip the bars!

  43. Still A, Fan
    April 13, 2010 5:49 pm

    there is a pic of him on from the press conference and if you stare at it long enough he becomes tony soprano.

    i dont think he should be suspended. i dont consider the first accusation for a second. i read the emails that were entered into court and she was bragging to her friends about him after the night in question.

    we’ll never know what happened. i dont know why he would be suspended. if you suspended an nfl player every time they put themselves in a situation where something bad could happen, there wouldnt be enough players to have a game.

  44. MM
    April 13, 2010 5:50 pm

    LOTS of players have VIP rooms-I know this for a fact…one of them was on the news about Ben’s issue acting innocent actually. The Boston/Vegas thing seems to be another issue of that-she went into VIP room.

    Jerky company fired him due to the bad press.

    I honestly hope Deby is right and he has finally learned his lesson-he has been a jerk for the last few years. But I really do think that he was put in this position to hit rock bottom because nothing else would have turned him around.

    His bodyguards-who are police officers-should be fired and whoever replaces them should report to his parents. They, and obviously others, are enabling him and his arrogance. That is what this boils down to-him being arrogant and thinking he is God’s gift to mankind.

  45. Keith from Da Burgh
    April 13, 2010 6:22 pm

    Being from Pittsburgh and being not only a Steeler Fan, but a Steeler fan that has a Seat and goes to as many games at Heinz Field as I possibly can, I’m embarrassed by this clown’s ON the field performance last year as well as this crap that we now know he’s been regularly performing….If he was Joe Schmoe, I wouldnt care…I’d still think he was a DOUCHE NOZZLE…and HE’s AN ASSHOLE TO THE FANS who support him…Give him the BOOT!

  46. Catherine
    April 13, 2010 7:06 pm

    Oh the amount of grease in that man’s hair yesterday.

  47. cheld
    April 13, 2010 7:15 pm

    benny got a haircut to go visit the commish…..

  48. JJ
    April 13, 2010 7:24 pm

    When I saw this picture of him online earlier, I was just waiting for you to comment on it, and you didn’t disappoint! Ohman, SO FUGLY!