As you know — and if you don’t, when did you die? — the US Census occurs every ten years, on the 10 20 30 40 , etc. year and this being 2010, well, you get the picture — and if you don’t, go away, Jeff Reed. The adults are talking.
Pittsburgh is currently looking at a 67% completion rate of the Census, which is kind of pathetic. They’re not asking you to VOTE, people; they’re asking you to take a head count.
I am an over-achieving Census-filler-outter because while I wait until just about the last possible second to do everything, like PAYING MOTHERLOVIN’ EFFITY BLEEPITY SONS OF HELLSPAWN TAXES, I understand the importance of the Census and I filled out that badboy the second it showed up in my mail.
I had fun with the ethnicity questions because I am married to a Mexican and my children are 1/2 Mexican.
It would appear that Mexicans are classified as White, not “persons incapable of showing up on time, ever!” as I classify my husband. So now I’ll call him, “You White man of Hispanic ethnicity incapable of showing up on time, EVER.” Seriously, when I first met him in Mexico, my sister and I told him to meet us at a restaurant at 4:00 p.m. He rolled up at 6:00 p.m. and we said, “Hey, I thought we said 4:00.” and he looked at his watch and said, “Right. It’s only 6:00.” Un-vee-lee-ba-vle.
Back on track.
In an effort to encourage completion of the Census here in Pittsburgh, Lukey has come up with a genius reward for the neighborhood that achieves the highest Census completion rate. Are you ready for this? This is so exciting.
NO, IT IS NOT TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! IT IS TRUE! A PROCLA-FREAKING-MATION! I CAN BARELY STAND THE AWESOMENESS OF A PROCLAMATION!
I mean, have you ever SEEN a proclamation?! It is this sheet of legal paper with a very official embossed seal and it says things like “whereas” and “wherefore” and “thereforewherethouforeart” and “heretoforeeverafterarthouwhere” and it is signed by Lukey and it comes in a snazzy blue faux-leather folder and everything!
They’re going to see a 110% completion rate now that there is a coveted proclamation at stake, and the living-dead start asking to be counted.
But seriously, fill out the Census, would you? Not because you want that proclamation. Fill it out so you can be counted and Pittsburgh can be counted and maybe get a bigger slice of federal pie. Unless you are the Duggar family, it will take you like two minutes to fill it out.
As for the proclamation, I’m pretty sure the only neighborhood that would be excited about a proclamation is the Neighborhood of Make Believe, but even then, I bet Henrietta Pussycat would be all, “Meow meow stupid proclamation meow meow,” and Lady Elaine Fairchilde would take one look at Lukey and whip a boomerang at him all, “A proclamation?! That’s all we get?! A proclamation?! Proclamate THIS, bitch.”