In which I kick a lot of ass

Dear Buccos of Suckitude:

Are you MOCKING me with this score? Did you hear I was heading to PNC Park for my first live Buccos of Suckitude game in about three or four years and did you say, “Let’s bring the suck! Let’s bring the suck like we’ve not brought the suck in one hundred and twenty four years. Let’s bring so much suck that she becomes blinded by the suck.  Let’s choke her with suck. Let’s make her vomit from the stench of our suck. GOOOOO SUCK!”

Because that’s pretty much the only explanation I can come up with for how you could lose to the Brewers by a freaking score of TWENTY RUNS to not five, not four, not three, not two, not even ONE LOUSY MOTHERFLIPPING SON OF A RUN.

Zero.

Zilch.

Nada.

Bajingo.

Wait. Maybe not that last one, but you get my point.  The final score was 20 to SUCK.

Is this all you have? Is this all you are? Is this the best you can do? Are you not professional baseball players? Were you not raised on the diamond? Have you not cherished this game for most of your life? Have you not worked your ass off to be in the majors? Are you not worthy of the Majors?  Are you truly and honestly, as everyone has been telling me, really just a suckity shell with a soft sucky center?  Is there nothing in you? Are you being all you can be?  Is this not the Army?

Wait. I may have blown a fuse here. I’m typing very fast and very frantically and there is LITERAL FIRE SHOOTING OUT OF MY EYEBALLS. LITERAL FIRE.

I’m not even exaggerating. Much.

I refuse to believe I have placed my hope, placed my stake in Make Room for Crazy, on a team this sucky.

I don’t know what’s going on in that locker room of yours, but after this three-game 36 to 1 run embarrassment, if there is not a man in there who is throwing shit across the room in anger, if there is not a man in there kicking over garbage cans while cursing like a sailor at you, if there is not a man in there getting up in each one of your faces and LITERALLY tearing you a new one (LITER.ALLY.), if there is not a man in there going Doug Freaking Mientkiewicz on your asses, then you need to let me in that room.

Because as soon as I get a good look at your washboard abs, I am going to make you rue the day you ever embarrassed me, anyone who has ever worn a Pirates uniform, and the entire City of Pittsburgh in this way.

Buck. The. Hell. Up. and play like you’re worthy of every single dollar we’re paying you with our hard-earned money spent on tickets to watch you play.  Do not EVER reward us with that amount of suck again or so help me God, I will personally light this bandwagon on fire and ROLL IT INTO YOUR EFFING CLUBHOUSE.

Now, let’s go, Bucs!

Love,

Me.

P.S. I need wine. And maybe some Valium if you’ve got them.





50 Comments

  1. Karen
    April 22, 2010 6:29 pm

    Last year my husband took our oldest boy to his first Bucs game on the day they set the record for the suckiest team ever. Today, we took our 9 month old son to his first Bucs game. I think our boys have cursed the team???



  2. Politicalpartypooper
    April 22, 2010 6:34 pm

    Wow Ginny. Your post was hilarious. Look on the bright side. Your first game was a record breaking one. :D

    On a serious note, 36-1? Really? Do you know what we coaches call that kind of an ass whupping?

    CHILD ABUSE.

    Hang in there. It can’t possibly get any worse than this one. I didn’t get to watch the game; was traveling. But Bob Uecker was having fun with it. At one point he said the Pittsburgh relief pitchers were jumping the fence trying to get away before their manager could call on them to pitch in this one.



  3. Dana
    April 22, 2010 6:35 pm

    What with this debacle and the whole Roethlisberger situation, the entire city is depending on Sid to make us look good. Maybe he will have a hat trick tonight and then save a baby, a puppy, and a pregnant woman from a burning building.



  4. Virginia
    April 22, 2010 6:38 pm

    Oh, Dana. You made me laugh and laughter is my Valium. Thank you!



  5. Scottie
    April 22, 2010 6:46 pm

    Will a couple of Ativan do?

    Seriously. WTF?!?! I hope the players get home and get bitch-slapped by their mother…wife…girlfriend…boyfriend? Hell, I hope the dog shits in their shoe and the baby pees in their faces when they change his/her diaper.



  6. bluzdude
    April 22, 2010 6:51 pm

    I nominate you to conduct their next “players only” team meeting. And would it be too much to ask for you to bring a secret video camera?



  7. Monty
    April 22, 2010 7:00 pm

    Burgh Baby = Google IPO.
    Virginia = Enron.



  8. Mike
    April 22, 2010 7:00 pm

    WOW! With a rant like that who needs Mientkiewicz?

    It usually takes another month or so, but I’m already looking for Charlie Sheen and the rest of the Major League-ers to bring some baseball to the city.

    You talked me onto this bandwagon, let me bring the gasoline and matches.

    GO PENS



  9. Bojack
    April 22, 2010 7:06 pm

    20 – 0 ? Wow!

    But hey, they have washboard abs, and none of them are on TMZ!

    That’s what really matters!



  10. KGC
    April 22, 2010 7:09 pm

    Neener Neener. I told you this was NOT the year. In fact, it will NEVER be the year as long as the Nuttings own the team.



  11. KGC
    April 22, 2010 7:10 pm

    @Monty..

    Now that there’s funny I don’t care who you are. /Larry the Cable Guy voice



  12. Burgh Baby
    April 22, 2010 7:39 pm

    Sooooo . . . I take it the Pirates lost today? I wasn’t really paying attention.



  13. Bojack
    April 22, 2010 7:43 pm

    The falcons have 4 new chicks on the Cathedral!! :-)

    http://www.aviary.org/cons/falconcam_cl.php



  14. Shane
    April 22, 2010 8:19 pm

    20-0 equal 1 loss
    1-0 equal 1 loss

    Looks like hell, but still only counts as one.



  15. Politicalpartypooper
    April 22, 2010 8:22 pm

    Actually Shane, it was 36-1, and three losses. :D



  16. Cassie
    April 22, 2010 8:22 pm

    @Shane, ah, the silver lining.

    LET’S GO PENS!



  17. Sheila
    April 22, 2010 8:34 pm

    I blame Regis.

    But seriously, you can’t get worked up about baseball until at least after the All Star break which us when the season really starts. Any earlier and you will simply exhaust yourself woth the ups and downs and burn out. Guaranteed, the Bucs will have weeks of rotten games and at least one long win streak. Save you energy until August, you’ll need it



  18. one-eyed dick
    April 22, 2010 8:53 pm

    Well, the Nuttings could always fly up (OK, who am I kidding–BUS up) YOUR Bradenton Marauders, who, at 9-3, own the best record in either division of the Advanced Class A Fla. State League. At the very least, send bus fare for an outfielder named Latimore who’s knocking the ball all over McKechnie w/ about a .400 avg.

    Even if they don’t play any better, the payroll would be considerably less so mgmt. could drop the price of beer, increasing consumption, thereby negating the need to field a winning team to draw people to PNC ’cause when you’re drunk, you don’t care who wins. Or even who’s playing.

    Or so I’ve heard………



  19. Pa-pop
    April 22, 2010 9:12 pm

    Losing by three touchdowns in hardball deserves its own special label: Suque.



  20. Noelle
    April 22, 2010 9:15 pm

    I was there today. Sitting behind me was a group of mentally handicapped adults (God bless them, they were adorable) and when they began to shout “Imbeciles!!” down to the field I knew the jig was seriously up….



  21. bucdaddy
    April 22, 2010 9:17 pm

    I’m almost out of Valium, courage and self-respect.

    — Patterson Hood



  22. NW PA Joe (formerly NW Joe)
    April 22, 2010 9:17 pm

    ‘play like you’re worthy of every single dollar we’re paying you’????????

    Considering Alex Rodriguez can almost cover the Pirates team payroll, they pretty much are playing like they are worth every single dollar we are paying them. Which is pretty much why they suck. Expect scores like 8-0, 7-1 and even 20-0 often this year.



  23. Bojack
    April 22, 2010 10:11 pm

    LMAO @ Noelle



  24. Reanna
    April 22, 2010 10:11 pm

    Not that we go to a lot of games, but in the 9 years my husband and I dated, we probably went to…20 games? I don’t know, I didn’t count. He has NEVER been to a losing game. ever. I think my mom may be right on wanting to get him season tix.



  25. Bottom line.....
    April 22, 2010 10:36 pm

    …you deserved it.

    It’s like reading Jory Rand. With tits. If you had them.



  26. Classy
    April 22, 2010 11:57 pm

    ^^^Scott R. Priester^^^



  27. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    April 23, 2010 12:09 am

    They’ll bounce back.



  28. Boones Farm
    April 23, 2010 7:55 am

    I wonder if any of the Pirates went to the Pens game last night? Probably.



  29. Bojack
    April 23, 2010 8:03 am

    V,

    I NEED your optimism!

    I am completely guilty of “bandwagonism” (sp?) that the Bucs are doomed as long as they’re owned by those thieving WV hyenas, the Nuttings. Well, the facts also, but I digress.

    You have taken the tuffer road, and it’s courageous!!

    Your shiny hope is what helps me reevaluate many things,
    not just sports, so I don’t simply curse the world and give up!!

    I need to witness faith.

    Thank you Virginia.

    So, I say V, GO PENS! GO BUCS! GO STEELERS!

    Truly,
    Bojack

    ps- @Bottom line- go fuck yourself and die!!!



  30. PittGal in WI
    April 23, 2010 8:28 am

    And to the BREWERS, no less. Puhleeze.



  31. butcher's dog
    April 23, 2010 8:52 am

    @Karen #1: while none of us intelligent, articulate adults who contribute to this list would ever degenerate into anything approaching superstition, I think I can speak for most (if not all) of us as I make this request:

    Just in case, please promise never to take your sons to a Penguins game.

    Thank you. Now back to our regularly scheduled lives.



  32. Yinz Meets Y'all
    April 23, 2010 8:57 am

    “Are you not worthy of the Majors?”

    Quite simply, no. Most of these players would not be rostered on any other MLB team.

    They just aren’t good.



  33. red pen mama
    April 23, 2010 8:59 am

    When I heard that score yesterday, I was so glad that aside from $5, I have nothing invested in our baseball team. Sorry, Ginny.



  34. Gunny
    April 23, 2010 9:45 am

    Time to either sell, move or fold this disaster of a franchise.



  35. LaReina
    April 23, 2010 9:46 am

    My brother-in-law is mentally handicapped and used to be a big Pirates fan. He knew all the players, their stats, etc. He used to live for going to the games, getting a program, having a hot dog and a Coke at the ball park …

    He’s given up.



  36. unsatisfied
    April 23, 2010 9:50 am

    “they’re still shitty.”



  37. efw_west
    April 23, 2010 9:56 am

    honestly, why is anyone buying a ticket and supporting this Nutting regime? Ballot by ballbark, just say no!



  38. bucdaddy
    April 23, 2010 10:02 am

    ps- @Bottom line- go fuck yourself and die!!!

    Bojack,

    Sometimes I agree with you and sometimes I think you’re funny. And when I don’t agree with you and don’t think you’re funny, I still manage to tolerate you.

    But you really crossed a line there, pal, and it’s really really hard for me to not call you the flaming ball of oozing pus you deserve to be called for that line. (Ooops, sorry.)

    Maybe it’s time you found another forum to annoy.



  39. CrashJK
    April 23, 2010 10:41 am

    Doug Freaking Mientkiewicz !!! – Now that was my favorite Pirate over the past 10 years of suck…Doug was a stellar example of a smart, emotional, leave it on the field player…he would have made a HELLVA Manager !!!!!!! When they didn’t resign Doug, I threw out my two Pirate caps and have NOT bought a ticket since.



  40. Sooska
    April 23, 2010 11:06 am

    Caveat: I don’t pay any attention to the buccos anymore -breaks my heart as I used to be a lifelong fan, but I have better things to do with my time and entertainment dollars than line Nuttings’ pockets.

    In any case, an acquaintence told me about this “game” and suggested they fire the manager. THAT would solve it, huh?

    wait. WHAT?

    On second thought: give the reins to Ginny! Lets’ go Gin! Lets Go Gin! Beat ’em Gin! Beat ’em Gin! hmmm



  41. Tina
    April 23, 2010 12:10 pm

    Nice. Got my shipping confirmation of my super expansive Garrett Jones Shirt today (the shirt itself is not so expansive, but we talk about international shipping!)

    What I am gonna do with it? Let it burn on my terrace?

    NO! Men, make me proud wearing it and explain people here who Garret Jones is and what that P on my on my “bad hair day cap” stands for (in Germany nobody knows …). Common!



  42. burgh40
    April 23, 2010 1:00 pm

    If I were you Tina, I would cancel the purchase.

    You have a 50/50 chance of getting that same shirt for about half price after the trading deadline.



  43. VAgirl
    April 23, 2010 1:30 pm

    AMEN and pass the tylenol!



  44. Matt
    April 23, 2010 2:13 pm

    20-1 games just get in the way of the real business of being a Buccos fan: figuring out which players will get good enough to ship off to the Yankees/Red Sox/Braves right before the trading deadline. There are only two dates in the season that mean anything: May 1, when the pennant race is officially over in Pittsburgh, and July 31, the deadline for trading away the only players of any quality. Which is actually very thoughtful of the Pirates, letting us turn our attention fully to the football season.



  45. Tina
    April 23, 2010 2:15 pm

    burgh40:

    It was shipped the day just before (!) the glorious 20: ZERO / NISTA / NADA

    Now sending it back transatlantic will cost me too much. Bad karma, huh?



  46. Bojack
    April 23, 2010 5:33 pm

    @BucDaddy-

    It, (Bottom feeder,) dissed Virginia, that was the minimum.



  47. Kathy
    April 23, 2010 9:51 pm

    I won’t ever go to a Pirates/Brewers game, I think this loss is the payback for SAUSAGEGATE!! If you don’t remember this, there are many videos on the internet!! Of course, doesn’t help that we suck…but Karma is a bee…ach!



  48. Matt
    April 24, 2010 6:11 pm

    Sorry, I said it was 20-1, instead of 20-0, apparently spotting the Pirates a run for turning in their lineup card.

    @Bojack re Bottom Line– I don’t know any of you guys, but I think Bojack is right. Naughty words can be used but some lines can’t be crossed.



  49. Bojack
    April 25, 2010 9:02 am

    @Matt- Thanks. I’m thinking Bucdaddy didn’t really see Bottom feeder’s post. If he did and still thinks this, oh well.