Monthly Archives: April 2010

Yinz Team Pittsburgh Marathon!

I don’t run. It’s really as simple as that.

I’ll do a nice, brisk walk. I’ll play tennis until my shoes wear out. I’ll do Wii Yoga with Wii Steve until he starts getting smart with me about my balance and then I flip him off with both my middle finger and the remote. I’ll ride a bike until the inevitable accident. I’ll hike. I’ll row. I’ll snowboard.

But pretty much the only time you will see me running is perhaps after my child who is running toward traffic, or after a pigeon I missed, or after David Conrad when he tries to flee, or maybe even after the ice cream truck.

Otherwise, I don’t do the aching legs, burning lungs, pounding head, oozing blisters, and puking my guts out thing.

But here’s five awesome people who are running the Pittsburgh Marathon as a relay team and they’re doing it for the Mario Lemieux Foundation and oh! I would also run after Mario Lemieux if I ever saw him on the street.

Isn’t is surprising that I don’t have any restraining orders against me? To my knowledge.

Running will be:

  • Mike Woycheck, my former/current butler, proprietor of The Sandwich, all around awesome friend, husband to Meg, and father to a cutie pie.
  • Jim Lokay, that KDKA traffic guy who can’t hula hoop to save his life. Hee. Just kidding.  He’s more than that. He’s also an awesome person who is the “Does it Really Do That” reporter.
  • Dudders, who I’ve met, who is female, who has quite possibly one of the best twitter avatars ever.
  • Adrienne, who I’ve also met because she and Dudders are never apart, and who also has a drool-worthy twitter avatar.
  • Jim Shireman, of Sportsocracy fame, a swell guy whose wife is currently expecting boy child number two.

If you’ve got a few bucks to spare, FOR SICK KIDS, please PayPal some moolah via the link on their page, where we’ve been promised a “vomit-by-vomit recap of the race.”

OH! I would also run away from someone who is vomiting near me.

Whaddaya know? I guess I DO run!

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Benny versus Eminem

Thanks to the boys at the KISS Morning Freak Show, I learned that Eminem has a new freestyle rap and in it he raps about our esteemed football-throwing turd, Benjamin Mullethawkenberger Roethlisberger.

He says:

What’s on your head? You ain’t Roethlisberger.
Don’t try to rock the mullethawkenberger.

HAH! Just kidding. He really says:

f-ck that I’d rather turn this club to a bar room brawl
get as rowdy as Roethlisberger in a bathroom stall

Pretty sure I just heard The Chief yell, “SON OF A BITCH!” from the grave.

Also pretty sure I should never attempt to freestyle rap again.

(Thanks to @johnnybcool for giving me the lyrics!)

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Obligatory Pirates post in light of recent 17-3 loss

Being a Pirates fan means never looking at your poop the same way again.

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Raise the roof! Get jiggy with it! Other outdated expression of fun! recently rated the top 100 cities for fun in the United States, and as you would imagine, the city that never sleeps, the Big Apple, New York City was ranked first.

Ranked above places like Memphis and Atlanta and Cincinnati and Orlando and Houston and Virginia Beach and New Orleans and even Las Freaking Vegas is The City of Bridges, the New Hollywood, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, the 12th most fun city in the nation.

Part of the reason we ranked so high was our Food/Drink score is fourth in the nation, while we scored 8th best in low-impact sports like golf.

Now, while you and I know how awesome our city is, and how much fun we do have and can have here, this ranking is a bit NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT RIGHT because Detroit, the city of financial doom, is ranked as more fun than Nashville.

Scranton, PA is ranked as more fun than Orlando. Which, when I think Scranton, I think zzzzzzzzzz and when I think Orlando, I think THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH.

And the biggest nail in the coffin that is this ranking?

Allentown, PA is ranked as more fun than Honolulu, Hawaii.

This is great news for you gents because now when you’re planning a fun getaway for your wife, you can say, “Babe, forget about Vegas or Hawaii! Why spend all that money when we can just drive to Allentown?  Ah, hell, you know what? You’re special to me. Break out your good jewelry; I’ll splurge for Scranton.  You can thank me in the bedroom.”

Also, do  you suppose there is a blogger in, say, Kansas City writing a post about this ranking all, “Babe, screw Orlando. Bust out your spandex; I’m taking you to PITTSBURGH!”

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Benny issues statement. Is boring.

Finally, we hear from Benny and this time, he did his darndest to express remorse and to convince us that he realizes what a blessed life he’s living:

“The commissioner’s decision to suspend me speaks clearly that more is expected of me. I am accountable for the consequences of my actions. Though I have committed no crime, I regret that I have fallen short of the values instilled in me by my family. I will not appeal the suspension and will comply with what is asked of me — and more.

“Missing games will be devastating for me. I am sorry to let down my teammates and the entire Steelers fan base. I am disappointed that I have reached this point and will not put myself in this situation again.

“I appreciate the opportunities that I have been given in my life and will make the necessary improvements.”

Dear Benny,

Even if you never raped a girl in your life, I would just like to point out to you that furnishing alcohol to minors is a crime and guess what, walking around a public space with your penis hanging out of your pants is ALSO a crime.

You need to watch Law and Order on occasion so that you too will know when you’ve committed a crime.

Also, the Mullethawkenberger is a crime against our eyes.




Dear readers,

I am, as I knew I would be, having a hard time giving a pigeon’s cloaca about this guy and anything he says.


Pretty sure I’m going to have to uses Lolcat captions on every What They’re Really Thinking picture of him this season. Only way I’m going to get through it.



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