That's Church

1.  A reminder that Bruce Gradkowski is from Pittsburgh.

2.  A reminder that Bruce Gradkowski is an official Smokin’ Hot Burgher.

3.  A reminder that Bruce Gradkowski is a decent human being.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about him,” Gradkowski said last week. “There had to be something I could do for him.”

The inspiration came to Gradkowski on the plane from Oakland to Pittsburgh. He wrote a two-page letter for D’Eramo.

“I gave him a stat about how one out of every 600,000-or-so high-school football players become an NFL quarterback,” Gradkowski recalled. “I pointed out that if a guy like me can be that one guy in football, he can be the one guy to beat his cancer. He just has to keep believing. God can do great things if you believe.”

4. And, oh, what the hell, another reminder that he’s hot.

And before you start whining at me, please keep in mind that number two has a lot to do with number three.

Spotted by reader Liz on McKnight Road:

Super awesome-enhanced zoom:

I’m going to do this to my car for the Buccos, but instead of an inflatable pirate ship on top of my car, I’ll strap a Dyson up there.  Get it? For the suck? Get it?!

I’m here all week.  Try the veal.

1. Happy Friday! It’s a beautiful day here in sunny Pittsburgh.

So, here’s a parenting tip (some of you might want to bloop-bloop-bloop), don’t ever give your three-year-old a princess dry-erase board with a dry-erase marker as a “potty prize” because if you think your little Princess of Terror will ONLY draw on the dry-erase board … SHE WON’T, I TELL YOU.

She will scribble thick black lines all over your pale yellow living room wall, your off-white baseboards and yes, her own little terrorist body, in the ten minutes you try to write a post thinking the silence is good news.

Which, second lesson learned. Silence is never good news when it’s coming from the Princess of Terror.  Treat silence like an air raid siren.

2. There is a $15,000 diamond hidden somewhere in downtown and Henne Jewelers is having a text-hint scavenger hunt in order for one lucky Burgher to find it.

I bet a pigeon ate it already.  So while the rest of the city follows the clues, I’m just going to keep my eyes out for a pigeon screeching in pain while trying to poop out a ten-carat diamond.

(h/t Chris)

3. Brilliant headline from the P-G

Oh, what the heck ever.

The NFL and the Steelers and Benny’s supporters can try to place the blame for Ben’s recent behavior on addiction or a disorder or a disease, but I’m going to stick the blame squarely where it belongs. On Ben. Douchebaggery is NOT a disorder. It’s a choice.

4.  Ouch.

Some of the Brewers apparently discussed how they could keep the game from getting further out of hand, and steps were taken. Manager Ken Macha replaced his entire heart of the order late in the game, and third base coach Brad Fischer had the stop sign up at every turn.

I mean, OUCH.

5. My latest post is up over at the magazine site, “I don’t drive on diaper-wearing bridges.” Which I find is a good rule of thumb when deciding which bridges are safe to drive over.

Next week, the curling column will be posted and also some more amazing curling pictures of me flat on the ice and even some VIDEO of me falling on my butt. Prepare to point and laugh.

6.  I am ashamed to admit that I somehow fell asleep early in the third overtime of the Pens game last night. I know. I’m ashamed to be seen with me, too.  I don’t care if the next game goes eight overtimes. I will prop my eyelids open with toothpicks if I have to.

Let’s go Pens!

7.  I have a few awesome giveaways being lined up for you guys. More on that hopefully next week.

8. Here’s a site I’ve just started visiting, Living Pittsburgh, whose goal it is to make living and playing here in Pittsburgh affordable.  I particularly like how they provide an evening’s itinerary for you and a date for certain days of the week.  Check out Terrific Tuesday in the Cultural District for an idea.

9. Reader Zack shared with me this email he received from a vendor after placing an order with said vendor on the day Ben’s suspension was announced.  The vendor took notice of the “Ship to” city.

Here you go! Based on what happened today we will offer a “Big Ben” Special, free shipping on this order to your location! Hope your QB gets it together, he is a great athlete. We would love to help you out here, please let me know if there is anything else we can do.

I bet that’s not what Ben Roethlisberger means when he refers to a “Big Ben Special.”

10. Let’s end this week on a fantastically positive note. Four baby peregrine falcons hatched atop the Cathedral of Learning and this is important to note because falcons eat pigeons.

I decided to check out the Aviary’s live Cathedral Falcon Cam to see the baby pigeon-destroyers for myself, but all I saw was the Mommy falcon or maybe it was the Daddy falcon, sitting in the box and occasionally frantically shifting his/her weight around to scoot the babies back under her belly all, “If you do not stop that bickering I will turn this thing around and show you what a cloaca can do, AND IS THAT DRY ERASE MARKER ON MY BELLY?!”

It was like that for HOURS every time I checked the camera, which I kept up live on the MacBook.  Then I was in my kitchen trying to convince the Princess of Terror that children do not pee on floors when I heard birds screeching and I realized it was coming from my computer and [gasp!] BABY FALCONS!

I got there in time to watch the babies eat what I assume was a pigeon that their mommy/daddy tore limb from limb.

It was the most beautiful, spiritual thing I’ve seen since that dead pigeon in front of Las Velas.

I took some screen caps for you!

I raise my Zima to the four newest members of my army.

Arriba!

(h/t Randy)

Have you guys seen this video yet? In much the same way the Urban Skiing video was more than just a video of some guys skiing in Pittsburgh, this video is much more than just 19-year-old Mt. Lebanon native Joe Gillen skateboarding in downtown Pittsburgh. It feels like watching an ode to the Burgh and it hit me in the heart something powerful.

Check it out:

The Post-Gazette wrote about the video yesterday and I’d just like to ask the P-G web people a question: Why couldn’t you just link out to his actual video instead of only telling people to go search YouTube? GET WITH THE AUGHTS!

“Skateboarding, it’s a great outlet for expression,” Mr. Gillen said. “Unlike other sports, there’s no right way or wrong way to skateboard.”

Actually, there is a wrong way to skateboard and if you’d ever like a demonstration, I’d be happy to give you one provided you pay for the ambulance trip I’ll need after I accidentally impale myself on something pointy.

It’s true. I’m no good on ice or on wheels. Once, in my early twenties, I got it in my head that I was going to become a kickass rollerblader. I bought roller blades and I headed down to the local high school where I spent 40 minutes on my butt, 5 minutes upright and 5 minutes stopping the bleeding with fistfuls of grass.

Inner-ear thing.

(h/t Joe’s proud big brother Mike from Burghertime)

Dear Buccos of Suckitude:

Are you MOCKING me with this score? Did you hear I was heading to PNC Park for my first live Buccos of Suckitude game in about three or four years and did you say, “Let’s bring the suck! Let’s bring the suck like we’ve not brought the suck in one hundred and twenty four years. Let’s bring so much suck that she becomes blinded by the suck.  Let’s choke her with suck. Let’s make her vomit from the stench of our suck. GOOOOO SUCK!”

Because that’s pretty much the only explanation I can come up with for how you could lose to the Brewers by a freaking score of TWENTY RUNS to not five, not four, not three, not two, not even ONE LOUSY MOTHERFLIPPING SON OF A RUN.

Zero.

Zilch.

Nada.

Bajingo.

Wait. Maybe not that last one, but you get my point.  The final score was 20 to SUCK.

Is this all you have? Is this all you are? Is this the best you can do? Are you not professional baseball players? Were you not raised on the diamond? Have you not cherished this game for most of your life? Have you not worked your ass off to be in the majors? Are you not worthy of the Majors?  Are you truly and honestly, as everyone has been telling me, really just a suckity shell with a soft sucky center?  Is there nothing in you? Are you being all you can be?  Is this not the Army?

Wait. I may have blown a fuse here. I’m typing very fast and very frantically and there is LITERAL FIRE SHOOTING OUT OF MY EYEBALLS. LITERAL FIRE.

I’m not even exaggerating. Much.

I refuse to believe I have placed my hope, placed my stake in Make Room for Crazy, on a team this sucky.

I don’t know what’s going on in that locker room of yours, but after this three-game 36 to 1 run embarrassment, if there is not a man in there who is throwing shit across the room in anger, if there is not a man in there kicking over garbage cans while cursing like a sailor at you, if there is not a man in there getting up in each one of your faces and LITERALLY tearing you a new one (LITER.ALLY.), if there is not a man in there going Doug Freaking Mientkiewicz on your asses, then you need to let me in that room.

Because as soon as I get a good look at your washboard abs, I am going to make you rue the day you ever embarrassed me, anyone who has ever worn a Pirates uniform, and the entire City of Pittsburgh in this way.

Buck. The. Hell. Up. and play like you’re worthy of every single dollar we’re paying you with our hard-earned money spent on tickets to watch you play.  Do not EVER reward us with that amount of suck again or so help me God, I will personally light this bandwagon on fire and ROLL IT INTO YOUR EFFING CLUBHOUSE.

Now, let’s go, Bucs!

Love,

Me.

P.S. I need wine. And maybe some Valium if you’ve got them.