Pass the NyQuil Cocktail

Surprisingly, for someone as wussy as me, I have a pretty high threshold for pain. I think it comes from having my mother brush the knots out of my wet hair for 10 years or so. I think it also comes from a failed epidural during the birth of my first child, which resulted in all of the pain that should have been felt all over my abdomen, being localized to one spot of piercing knife-stabbing hell … for hours. THAT resulted in me screaming like a howler monkey and according to my husband, saying the F word repeatedly to the nurses who were trying to help birth my baby. I don’t recall that.

Now, you’re saying, how is howler monkey screaming and cruely yelling at nurses a manifestation of a high threshold for pain? I’ll tell you how. Because anyone else would have committed suicide by leaping from the hospital window.

So, pain. I can deal with it for the most part, except when it is on my foot.

Foot pain? A hang nail? A corn? A bee sting? An ouchie? A toe cramp? A — God help me — BLISTER?!? Pass the OxyContin so I can crush a few into the NyQuil.

And that’s why I marvel especially hard at this …

Five days after having surgery on a severed tendon in his right foot, Staal is on the verge of coming back to the Pittsburgh lineup after missing the first games of his NHL career.

What. In. The. Hell. kind of bionic shit is his foot made of?

Surgery — that implies scalpels, cut flesh, blood, more scalpels, and thread, right?

Severed tendon — that implies OWWWWWWWW!

So I Google Image searched “severed tendon” and here’s a hint for you, don’t Google Image search “severed tendon” unless you’re undead, because it’s seriously bad enough that you might need to put a shot of vodka in the OxyContin/NyQuil cocktail.

And remember two years ago when it was revealed that Sid played the playoffs with a broken foot?! The only thing I could possibly do on a broken foot is scream in pain and yell the F word at people.

Long story short: Hockey players are truly the toughest athletes in the world and they might be bionic.

But they’ve also never birthed a baby.

Let’s go Pens!

p.s. Do NOT Google Image search “epidural” or “foot corn” either.





21 Comments

  1. z
    May 6, 2010 2:58 pm

    Yep, hockey players are tough, but they’re making it hard for the rest of us. If I had a severed tendon, I’d want to take some time off from my office job. However with this example, my boss might think twice. lol



  2. red pen mama
    May 6, 2010 3:26 pm

    While, yes, Staal is tough, and hockey players are stone-cold bad asses, and GO PENS, I must point out that you had that pain during the birth of your first child AND STILL WENT AHEAD AND HAD ANOTHER CHILD. That’s saying something, as a woman who’s had a couple interesting labors herself, and is going back one more time.

    Holla.



  3. Sooska
    May 6, 2010 3:38 pm

    1) One day (last year’s playoffs I think it was) Tyler Kennedy had to help Jordan Staal to his car after a game day morning skate because he could barely walk from a hip problem. Jordan played that night.

    2) I had an epidural with my first kid that went wrong and numbed my upper body instead. Didn’t say a word – gritted my teeth and hung on silently. I went ahead and had a second kid, this time refusing all drugs. Didn’t need ’em. Didn’t want ’em. Side effects were worse than the pain.

    3) Jordan Staal’s mother gave birth to 4 big boys-3 currently in the NHL (for those who don’t know the Staals are brothers. She is one tough mother.

    4) IMAGINE if mothers played hockey. Put these boys to shame.

    5) Go Pens.



  4. SpudMom
    May 6, 2010 4:24 pm

    @Sooska – re: #4 – a mother will take you OUT. ;)



  5. Pa-pop
    May 6, 2010 4:26 pm

    Contrary to a popular misconception, they don’t study alien creatures at Area 51 — they birth hockey players.



  6. Pensgirl
    May 6, 2010 4:37 pm

    Jordan is a true iron man, but according to Bylsma his tendon was not actually severed as first reported, it was “just” lacerated. I bring that up because the actual healing for a laceration isn’t going to take as long as it would for a severing. Hockey players don’t play when their injuries are likely to be made worse by going. If the only issue is that playing will hurt, they’ll get in the game every time.

    You do know men play sports and engage in other physical labors to prove to us women that they’re tough too, right? I mean, the whole baby-havin’ thing is pretty intimidating, but they do the best they can to measure up. ;)



  7. DG
    May 6, 2010 4:44 pm

    Now THERE’S a photo of some handsome Pittsburgh sports figures. What is it about toothless men?….

    J. Staal is apparently made of Teflon, with a shot of Miracle Gro.



  8. Tina
    May 6, 2010 5:21 pm

    As for “do not google” …

    Anybody seen the horror movie “The Ring”, which goes like “Do NOT watch the video tape ….”, but everbody does?

    That’s ME!

    Uhmmmm – YAK!



  9. Kathy
    May 6, 2010 5:30 pm

    “If you’re having a hard time forgetting things, a shot of vodka in a Oxycontin/NyQuil mixture will help every time.” – Today’s PSA brought to you by That’s Church



  10. richrovs
    May 6, 2010 6:49 pm

    Yes, you women rock. With that said, I also am a big wuss when it comes to my feet. Anything happens to them I am done. LET’S GO PENS



  11. Different Brian
    May 6, 2010 9:16 pm

    I got a tendon in my finger after a knife accident. As I learned, tendons don’t feel pain, they just help joints move. With Jordan’s foot in his boot, he doesn’t have that much movement to put on the joint. Obviously, the pressures involved in pushing forward, braking, turning, etc, would be placed on the flesh in his foot – but a few days of natural healing and some chemicals to dull the pain – he’s good to go. Really, if youre a hockey player and are gonna get a tendon anywhere, the foot is the best place since its relatively flat all game long.

    That said – ya gotta love hockey players and their wanton disregard to proper injury recovery.



  12. Baraboo
    May 6, 2010 11:03 pm

    A Pens’ post. Yay!

    Could definitely go for a lot more of these.



  13. bluzdude
    May 6, 2010 11:38 pm

    Someone suggested in the comments of the Empty Netters post in the PG, that Jordan Staal is actually a cyborg from the Terminator movies.

    I agree, because that also explains that thing that happened earlier this season, when he got his nose mashed by the puck, left the ice, then came back for the next period.

    I believe while he was in the dressing room, the trainer pried off his nose, glued (or riveted) on another, then sent him back on the ice.

    “Come wit me if you want to win.”



  14. Butcher's Dog
    May 7, 2010 8:06 am

    Now, see…THIS is why I’m Butcher’s Dog instead of, say, Raise the Jolly Roger! This happens to a baseball player and it’s “See ya in spring training.” The two games Jordan missed broke a string of consecutive games played that had reached over 300, I believe. Also it warmed the cockles of my heart that Coach Bylsma talked about how they determined it wouldn’t do more harm to the injured area if he could endure the pain and Jordan was like, “Pain? Meh!”

    Finally, you can keep looking for reports that after the game he and buddies went into a bar and bought shots for underage girls and then left without paying. Reserve that activity for a day when you have absolutely nothing scheduled, though, ’cause it’ll take all day. And you’ll still come up empty. Just sayin’.



  15. Ash
    May 7, 2010 8:29 am

    Jordan is the definition of a M-A-N. So unbelievably hot. Ya no other words. Sigh.



  16. greg
    May 7, 2010 8:54 am

    Hockey players have the best work ethic in sports. Nothing keeps them down and there’s no better place to be than on the ice. I love playoff hockey, Go Penguins!



  17. bucdaddy
    May 7, 2010 9:55 am

    And football players are all “concussion, whaaaaaaa!”

    Babies.

    I also like the Flyer who got half a dozen teeth shattered by a stick to the mouth, had the stumps ground down and went back out for the rest of the game. His quote was, of course, “Whattaya gonna do? It’s the playoffs.”

    I’m really surprised there aren’t any one-legged hockey players. If anybody could do it …



  18. Pensgirl
    May 7, 2010 10:48 am

    Butcher’s dog, Jordan’s streak was 358 games.

    Bucdaddy, that was actually a Capital. But there was a Flyer who blocked a shot with his head and ended up with a brain contusion for his effort. Nasty. (You could argue that all Flyers have brain contusions just by virtue of being Flyers, but still I can’t imagine a player in any other sport intentionally giving themselves up that way.)



  19. bucdaddy
    May 7, 2010 1:35 pm

    Ooops, Capitals, yes. But being a Capital, he knew he didn’t have much season left anyway.



  20. unsatisfied
    May 7, 2010 5:32 pm

    jordo is definitely tough. too bad the rest of the pens were not as tough last night.

    but, how about this colorado rockies catcher miguel olivo — passes a kidney stone BETWEEN INNINGS OF A BASEBALL GAME — and, keeps playing….

    http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/Rockies-catcher-Miguel-Olivo-passes-kidney-ston?urn=mlb,237573



  21. Carol P
    May 8, 2010 8:26 pm

    Sometimes the f-word is the only one that makes it OK. Child #2, almost 9 pounds, still doing childbirth “naturally”. Did great with the head. When the shoulders came out I let the f-bomb fly. The nurses looked slightly apalled. Children 3 and 4…give me some drugs!