Here’s the thing, did you NOT read what I wrote in my latest Pittsburgh Magazine post:
I hear someone insult my city, and I tell you, the hairs on the back of my neck come to attention all, “PERMISSION TO SHOOT TO KILL, MA’AM?!”
Oh, permission granted. So hard.
Yeah, our quarterback has problems. Big ones. He is one man. He is not the Steelers and he is not Pittsburgh, and while we are divided in our opinion of what should happen with him, we know how to discuss those differences with maturity and with the best interests of the team and our city at heart.
Yeah, our baseball team got beat by a score of 20-0, and then I think also like 19-1 or maybe a 17-3 or maybe there was even a 41-6 beating by a T-ball team sprinkled somewhere in that week from baseball hell, but here’s the thing: That guy in the picture? Charlie The Very Manifestation of Suck Morton? Won a game for us just the other night! He’s brought his ERA down from an ALL SUCKY 16 to a MOSTLY SUCKY 10! And I don’t need Miracle Max to tell me that mostly sucky is not the same thing as ALL sucky.
And those “once-proud” Pirates? Won 11-1 last night and are currently in third place ahead of Houston, Chicago and Milwaukee, and are one game away from kicking Cincinnati out of second place and two games away from .500 ball. This time last year? Next to the last place and a last-ten game record of one win and nine losses. This year is different.
We’re the city of the champion Penguins who are currently contending for another Stanley Cup, technology, culture, six Lombardis, the Most Livable title, beauty, bridges and light. One asshole quarterback and one mostly sucky baseball team do not diminish that awesomeness nearly enough for you to pair a Benny article with a Pirates article and slap the “pathetic” label on it.
Now here’s your blindfold and cigarette because the hairs are having some serious blood-lust and I believe they’ll be aiming for your donkey omelets.