The City of Pittsburgh has a new website designed as a one-stop shop for people to learn about Pittsburgh and its awesome neighborhoods.
And guess what animal will be serving as the representative of the website and all Pittsburghers?
Go ahead. Guess. YOU’LL NEVER GUESS!
2. Huzzah? What happened? Did I just go to a city website and see a red-eyed pigeon on a motor– [thud]
3. The Dread Lord and Lukey have toed the line, don’t you think? Engaging me in a battle of minions. Pigeon-lovers who see the pigeon as a representative of all Pittsburghers, versus pigeon-haters who see the pigeon for what they are … grossly disgusting rodents employed by Satan as doers of evil, wreakers of havoc, and agents of poop.
I bet I win.
4. I like how the next to the last line there is basically, “Eff the eagle.” Who wrote that?
5. I cannot wait until the city has to employ pigeon-control measures at one place or another because I am going to be there at that location, lying in wait, and when they show up, I’m going to jump out of the shadows with a freaking news crew and say, “Gasp! You aren’t going to KILL THE VERY REPRESENTATIVE OF THE URBAN PITTSBURGHER ARE YOU?!? Look at all their hard work! Look at all this glorious, gooey shit!”
6. If pigeons represent Pittsburghers, then what does it say that they’re flying all over the place pooping on everything?
7. Will there be a giant pigeon mascot at all city functions now? Perhaps doing back flips at city council meetings and then pooping on Lukey’s chair before demanding some month-old hamburger buns? Gosh, I hope so.
8. Lukey and the Dread Lord might think they have a big army, but the thing is this — Every person who never really took a moment to decide if he likes or hates pigeons, will eventually be walking down the sidewalk and the hairs on the back of his neck will stand up. He’ll hear a sound he can’t identify. A humming? A whooshing? A buzzing? And a pigeon will swoop down just low enough to disturb the hairs on his head, and then will circle back around, cackle with evil joy, fly straight for his face, pull up at the last second and shit on his head. Hate will unfurl in that person’s belly and he’ll Google “pigeons suck,” land on my website, and join my army with the only question being, “Do you know the best way to adhere steel spikes to the toes of all of my shoes or should I just shoot the bastards’ heads off?”
9. I just had a mental image of Lukey releasing celebratory pigeons at Market Square’s grand re-opening, and then promptly being pooped on. I think I just had an orgasm.
10. I don’t know about you guys, but a pigeon doesn’t represent me any more than an oozing hairy wart does. Now, the falcon? A sharp-eyed, adaptable, smart, nurturing bird that values its mate and family above all else, and that will generally keep to itself unless its family is bothered and then may God have mercy on your soul?
THAT’S a Pittsburgher.
11. It’s on, Lukey. [awkward kung fu moves]