Oh. No. They. Di’int.

The City of Pittsburgh has a new website designed as a one-stop shop for people to learn about Pittsburgh and its awesome neighborhoods.

And guess what animal will be serving as the representative of the website and all Pittsburghers?

Go ahead. Guess. YOU’LL NEVER GUESS!

Oh, you guessed right.

Thoughts:

1. [thud]

2. Huzzah? What happened? Did I just go to a city website and see a red-eyed pigeon on a motor– [thud]

3. The Dread Lord and Lukey have toed the line, don’t you think? Engaging me in a battle of minions. Pigeon-lovers who see the pigeon as a representative of all Pittsburghers, versus pigeon-haters who see the pigeon for what they are … grossly disgusting rodents employed by Satan as doers of evil, wreakers of havoc, and agents of poop.

I bet I win.

4. I like how the next to the last line there is basically, “Eff the eagle.” Who wrote that?

5.  I cannot wait until the city has to employ pigeon-control measures at one place or another because I am going to be there at that location, lying in wait, and when they show up, I’m going to jump out of the shadows with a freaking news crew and say, “Gasp! You aren’t going to KILL THE VERY REPRESENTATIVE OF THE URBAN PITTSBURGHER ARE YOU?!? Look at all their hard work! Look at all this glorious, gooey shit!”

6.  If pigeons represent Pittsburghers, then what does it say that they’re flying all over the place pooping on everything?

7.  Will there be a giant pigeon mascot at all city functions now?  Perhaps doing back flips at city council meetings and then pooping on Lukey’s chair before demanding some month-old hamburger buns? Gosh, I hope so.

8. Lukey and the Dread Lord might think they have a big army, but the thing is this — Every person who never really took a moment to decide if he likes or hates pigeons, will eventually be walking down the sidewalk and the hairs on the back of his neck will stand up. He’ll hear a sound he can’t identify. A humming? A whooshing? A buzzing? And a pigeon will swoop down just low enough to disturb the hairs on his head, and then will circle back around, cackle with evil joy, fly straight for his face, pull up at the last second and shit on his head.  Hate will unfurl in that person’s belly and he’ll Google “pigeons suck,” land on my website, and join my army with the only question being, “Do you know the best way to adhere steel spikes to the toes of all of my shoes or should I just shoot the bastards’ heads off?”

9.  I just had a mental image of Lukey releasing celebratory pigeons at Market Square’s grand re-opening, and then promptly being pooped on. I think I just had an orgasm.

10.  I don’t know about you guys, but a pigeon doesn’t represent me any more than an oozing hairy wart does. Now, the falcon? A sharp-eyed, adaptable, smart, nurturing bird that values its mate and family above all else, and that will generally keep to itself unless its family is bothered and then may God have mercy on your soul?

THAT’S a Pittsburgher.

11.  It’s on, Lukey. [awkward kung fu moves]





39 Comments

  1. Leslie in Dayton
    May 17, 2010 2:03 pm

    HA! Obviously written by someone who doesn’t visit That’s Church. Ginny, you left this part out:

    Pigeons have saved human lives, started major businesses, and were even full-fledged, decorated war heroes – But somehow, it’s hard to get folks to be believers.

    That’s some pigeon propaganda there.



  2. toni
    May 17, 2010 2:21 pm

    For real. Did they pick the Falcons that nest on the Cathedril of Learning or the Gulf Tower? Nooooooooooooooooo. They pick the common vermin of the flying rat.

    Maybe its symbolism. The rats play at a birthday party while we all get shit on with snowzilla.



  3. Cathyfc
    May 17, 2010 2:26 pm

    WHAT THE FU_ _ !!!



  4. Kim Z
    May 17, 2010 2:26 pm

    Personally when I think of Pittsburgh I think of river rats, particularly the ones that sneak up on upexpecting Duquesne students as they climb the stairs up to the Bluff after a raucous evening on South Side.



  5. red pen mama
    May 17, 2010 2:27 pm

    I am no pigeon-hater by any means (but I respect your right to be one), but even I am taken aback (way aback) at the idea that a flying rat represents me in any way, shape, or form. Ick.

    Also, sad to report, my hard won “rats with wings” shirt isn’t going to fit me again until, oh, sometime next spring. Otherwise, i would totally wear it to your press conference in solidarity.



  6. hugh.c.mcbride
    May 17, 2010 2:27 pm

    If pigeons represent Pittsburghers, then what does it say that they’re flying all over the place pooping on everything?

    Somewhere, Najeh Davenport just had an Obi-Wan Kenobi-esqu “great disturbance in The Force” moment.



  7. Carpetbagger
    May 17, 2010 2:29 pm

    What? The cockroach wanted too much money in licensing fees?



  8. Gina
    May 17, 2010 2:34 pm

    Why is that pigeon not wearing a helmet? Now he’s going to get into a wreck and start acting like a douche.



  9. Alex
    May 17, 2010 2:36 pm

    I like how the title is “The Pidgeon Knows”, and you’ve always called them “knowing bastards”.

    I think the person who designed this does read your blog. Maybe it’s those animal rights people.



  10. bluzdude
    May 17, 2010 2:37 pm

    I can’t believe the lengths to which Lukey and the Dread Lord will go just to mess with you. I can just see them in a darkened office, rubbing their hands together.

    Lukey: “Let’s use pigeons! She’ll have a heart attack!
    Dread Lord: “That will DESTROY her! Ah HAHAHAHAAAA!



  11. Tina
    May 17, 2010 2:43 pm

    What the HELL????

    Even IF I would think pigeons are okay – what I do NOT (FLYING RATS!), this one here would easily win the price as the ugliest design I’ve ever seen *YUK*!



  12. Kelly
    May 17, 2010 2:44 pm

    Aside from the fact that it’s a dumb idea, who the F designed that? MUD. And what’s up with missing neighborhoods?



  13. Kathy
    May 17, 2010 2:45 pm

    Apparently the City is still using the same PR person who was quoted in the Newsweek article about Lukey (at the time Britney shaved all her hair off and was involuntarily committed to the hospital) that working for Lukey was like working for Britney Spears…..



  14. Al
    May 17, 2010 2:48 pm

    I understand that KDKA had a video tape of the pigeon riding the Vespa without a helmet two weeks before the site was launched, but the news director denies it exists.



  15. RPJ
    May 17, 2010 2:48 pm

    It is hard for me to make out, but is that pigeon riding a motorcycle?? — without a helmet??? Bennie’s wingman????



  16. L-A
    May 17, 2010 2:49 pm

    LOL @ Gina

    Ginny, you must find out who’s brainless idea this was. The red eyes are pure evil.



  17. L-A
    May 17, 2010 2:49 pm

    whose not who’s. duh.



  18. Mike
    May 17, 2010 3:02 pm

    If you don’t hate pigeons, ask one of your neighbors to dump a bag of birdseed in their driveway every day for a year. You will.

    In fact, I hate pigeons so much I’ve begun to reconsider my position on sparrows.

    And as my hate for pigeons grows, my love of hawks and falcons does too.



  19. spoon
    May 17, 2010 3:06 pm

    I’m surprised they don’t have Duke, second most famous Ravenstahl in Pittsburgher



  20. Nunya Bidness
    May 17, 2010 3:06 pm

    This what it all comes down to, right here:

    10. I don’t know about you guys, but a pigeon doesn’t represent me any more than an oozing hairy wart does. Now, the falcon? A sharp-eyed, adaptable, smart, nurturing bird that values its mate and family above all else, and that will generally keep to itself unless its family is bothered and then may God have mercy on your soul?

    If I had to pick an animal/bird/amphibian to represent me it would not be a NASTY-@SS pigeon! WTF?!



  21. mis
    May 17, 2010 3:14 pm

    Gosh are they stupid.



  22. j
    May 17, 2010 3:15 pm

    I totally agree with toni and Nunya– the falcons would have been way cooler. We’ve got them downtown and in Oakland– our business and academic/ medical centers. They’ve recovered from endangered status. They’ve adapted to a changing world. And they eat pigeons for lunch.



  23. Summer
    May 17, 2010 3:17 pm

    WTF?! Who had the bright idea to represent Pittsburgh with friggin’ pigeons? You know the worst part of it? The taxpayers footed the bill for that ugly mascot.



  24. Angry Mongo
    May 17, 2010 3:24 pm

    Somewhere, Steely McBeam breathes a sigh of relief. “I’m not the worst mascot!”



  25. Kathy
    May 17, 2010 3:28 pm

    Lukey did it just to screw with you. He’s trying to drive you out. So when are you moving to San Fran? We don’t make pigeons our mascot. Of course, you’re probably more likely to step in much larger poop in San Fran….



  26. unsatisfied
    May 17, 2010 3:53 pm

    steely mcdouchebag would be much, much better….



  27. AJ
    May 17, 2010 4:28 pm

    Wait a minute…did you just use the words “Lukey” and “I think I just had an orgasm” in the same paragraph? Ewwwwww.



  28. KS
    May 17, 2010 4:31 pm

    The site doesn’t say pigeons represent Pittsburgh or Pittsburghers. It says it represents “the quintessential urban in all of us.” Pigeons are pretty urban, so I think it’s clever.

    I love all the references to poop in the comments, though. I guess I shouldn’t point out that Pittsburghers’ poop flows into our rivers, which we drink. Call me crazy, but that’s worse than bird poop on sidewalks.



  29. Laura
    May 17, 2010 4:33 pm

    I love how the website refers to Queen Elizabeth in the past tense – are they referring to Queen Elizabeth I? And if so, how do they know that she liked pigeons? Because last I checked Queen Elizabeth II was still alive.



  30. elysianfantasy
    May 17, 2010 4:48 pm

    I love how on the list of famous people on the website, it lists Dean Martin, who was NOT from Pittsburgh. He was from my little sh*t-hole town of Steubenville, OH. I don’t like to announce I’m from the Burb of the Burgh (cue awful commercial), but that’s about all that town has. Give it to ’em, please.

    And really…a website is not going to help local Burghers take an interest in city neighborhoods. Pigeon mascot or no. That’s just my $0.02. However, I’m glad that based off of the interest survey I took, I’m a good fit for my neighborhood. I was a little worried I’d have to move if it proved otherwise. :P



  31. Just A Simple Man
    May 17, 2010 4:48 pm

    Evidently the creator of this section of the site never walked through Market Square…. or did they and that is their definition of “the quintessential urban in all of us.”?



  32. tim
    May 17, 2010 4:58 pm

    Ginny, this is all too funny. It’s all a plot. Maybe Scott P is in on it too!?? Oh, btw the falcons on the Gulf Tower were originally placed there for pigeon control. I think Mayor Bob O’Connor’s (God Rest his soul) idea.

    P.S. Gina @ #8 You are too funny! That made my laugh to hard. Geez, i am so glad i visited here today.



  33. Carly
    May 17, 2010 6:15 pm

    Welp, as someone moving to the area from out of state, I really like the summaries of the neighborhoods and the little Neighborhood Match thing. Very cool!

    Anybody know of any other good resources for neighborhood info? I’m all over Wikipedia already, but I’d love any insight you locals have :) I’d love to know where all the hotshot Google developers live :D



  34. PittGal in WI
    May 17, 2010 6:25 pm

    Clearly, you have gotten so far under his skin, he can’t reach it to scratch anymore, so he has to do this instead. Amateur!



  35. JenEngland
    May 17, 2010 7:07 pm

    I actually would 100% believe that Luke and Yarone dictated this just to eff with you. I totally believe they are that petty and that monomaniacal.



  36. letsgostillers
    May 17, 2010 11:08 pm

    I had to visit the website because I just refused to believe it until I saw it with my own eyes. Not sure if the coffee cup or scooter is more terrifying.

    Good call on the falcon.

    Re:Pittsburgh info: http://iheartpgh.com/ is starting a new QuestYinz thing… not sure of the current status. They are another site (other than this one) that have good updates on local goings-on.



  37. Toad
    May 18, 2010 9:31 am

    @ bluzdude:

    This was absolutely the first thing I thought when I read this: Zober and Lukey guaranteed thought this up in their dungeon in the City-Cty Bldg to f*** w/ Ginny.

    MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA



  38. Lauren
    May 18, 2010 11:26 am

    Pigeons are probably the most ubiquitous birds on the face of the earth. They are common, average, and trust me, you see them in areas that are most certainly not urban. Is that really a mascot you want to use to promote Pittsburgh’s unique neighborhood feel? Something that’s supposed to point out it’s advantages over other cities? Marketing fail.



  39. Christina Keffer
    May 19, 2010 8:50 am

    How’s it feel to be influential enough that the powers that be choose a city mascot (seemingly)to spite you? I mean pidgeons? WTH?? I have written a letter that strongly indicates my disgust at being likened to a flying rat. It will do precisely nothing, but there you have it.