Evil versus Evilererer

Hey hey hey! Stop punching your monitor! Geez.

The Stanley Cup Finals are kicking off soon and unless a flock of flightless iceberg-dwelling birds shows up, the Penguins will not be there.

Who will be there will be the Philadelphia Flyers and the Chicago Blackhawks.

And this is where I have to make a decision.

Do I cheer for evil in the form of the hated Flyers, a team I hate as much as the Red Wings? A team whose name I spit after I speak it so as to clear my mouth of the bitter taste of pestilence? Ptooie! Ptooie!

Or do I cheer for the Chicago Blackhawks, who I am very meh about but who currently employ one Marian Hossa, a man — my parents always taught me to never hate anyone, so to quote Rashad Evans in speaking of Rampage Jackson, “I strongly dislike that mother[bleeper].” — a man whose name I spit after I speak it, then flip the double bird, then do that hand under the chin thing, then do that wrist in the crook of the arm thing, then even do that fake Friends swear gesture with the sideways double wrist bump? A man whose balls I have repeatedly and emphatically requested on a stick … charred?

Evil versus Evilerererer.

Who do I want holding our Cup up in the air in triumph?

Brace yourselves.

Marian Hossa.

Don’t hate me, Pittsburgh!

I cannot root for the Flyers. I will not root for the Flyers.

And, sigh, I have to admit this. Marian has paid his dues for leaving Pittsburgh because he thought the Red Wings had a better chance at winning the Cup.

First, NEENER NEENER NEENER, ya dumbass.

Second, I don’t know when my heart started softening toward him, but it did very very recently. He watched the Red Wings hoist the Cup as a Penguin. He watched the Penguins hoist the Cup as a Red Wing and my heart exploded with evil joy (there’s such a thing).

I think he was punished more than enough not only by watching his old team win the Cup he thought they were incapable of winning, but also by my continual stabbing of the Marian Hossa Voodoo Doll of Hockey Justice … in the charred balls. That’s gotta smart.

He hasn’t sought it, but I forgive him. I’m ready to see him smile again, even if he’s got to be wearing a Blackhawks jersey to do it.

Please be gentle with me in the comments, Burghers. I’m disappointed in me too.

[bitchslaps self] [tosses Marian Hossa Voodoo Doll of Hockey Justice in the trash]

Go Hawks!


  1. Andy
    May 25, 2010 1:18 pm

    What I root for in the NHL:

    1. Pittsburgh Penguins
    2. The belief that Mario is secretly working out and has been waiting for the opening of the new arena to return to glory as the sniper on the wing for Sid
    3. That whoever installed Steigerwald as the television voice of the Penguins is demoted to cleaning pigeon shit off the roof of Consol and Mike Lange is rightfully returned to our videowaves.
    4. That Bill Geurin retires to become the new principal and/or gym teacher at my kids’ school.
    5. That some giant corporation decides to give away their luxury box for all Penguin home games forever to the families of sick or otherwise deserving children and I’m hired as the host for the box.
    6. The end.

  2. DG
    May 25, 2010 1:34 pm

    After cursing at my television and the Habs last night for NOT playing like THAT against the Pens, I came to the same conclusion. Chicago has a lot of young talent and there is just no way I can root for the Flyers. I can barely even type it.

  3. Gabe
    May 25, 2010 1:54 pm

    I can not and will not cheer for Hossa. He’s a jackass. He did pay may dues but thtink of all the bad mouthing he did to PGH and the Pens. Screw Hossa.

    I’m forgoing the Stanley Cup finals and putting on my Steeler t-shirt and heading to the park.

  4. Meg
    May 25, 2010 2:02 pm

    Yeah. I went through the same thought process and spelled it out for my still-new-to-hockey boyfriend. In the end, I just can’t cheer for the Flyers. I’m going to have to hope that the Hawks win and some sort of horrible mistake occurs with Hossa’s jerseys where the letters in his name get mysteriously rearranged and joined by LE and he has to play like that.

  5. LuAnn
    May 25, 2010 2:08 pm

    Count me among the ‘hawks rooters.

    Cannot, will not cheer for anything from Philly!

  6. Cassie
    May 25, 2010 3:15 pm

    If you said Flyers I’d probably have stopped reading. One person isn’t ANY match for the jerk faces that are the Flyers. Not to mention their fans are a bunch of jagoffs.

    And think about it: Hossa has been chasing the cup for 3 finals and I think it’s about time he gets it. I mean, that’s just mean otherwise…

  7. NAM
    May 25, 2010 3:48 pm

    I totally agree with you! As my Fb status reflects, “To be honest, Hossa could kick a puppy and I would still root for the Blackhawks (I’m pretty sure the Flyers kick puppies every day.)”

    I think justice was pretty well served last year when he was on the same ice with us, but once again on the losing side. Even aside from that though, I will never root for the dirty, underhanded, Letang-biting, Crosby-hating Flyers. NEVER.

  8. Greg
    May 25, 2010 4:00 pm

    I grew up in the NYC-covered area of NJ (go Giants! Go Devils!) and live in Pittsburgh now (go Steelers! Go Pens!)

    I’d sooner cheer for a team coached by Lucifer himself than even think about the possibility of cheering for any team from Philthy.

  9. k
    May 25, 2010 4:22 pm

    I can almost get on board with rooting for Hossa’s team…but did you really have to use a photo of him on what appears to be a throne?
    I’m not sure I can ‘root’ for anyone in this one. A part of me really, really wants the “Hossa can’t hoist the cup” story to play out for many more years…but the idea of Philly winning anything gives me hives.

  10. Virginia
    May 25, 2010 4:32 pm


    Good eye. ;) I used that picture because he was actually a Penguin when that picture was taken.

    You know, back when I adored him.

  11. CrashJK
    May 25, 2010 4:45 pm

    I’m with Ginny…Blackhawks in five games…I hate the Flyers and all things related to that city…I do say it was nice to see them destroy PK Soapcan, St. Halak, the USS Gill,Cameltoe and the rest of the Habs. Keep the cup in Chicago far enough away from Pittsburgh so I don’t have to read about it and cry this summer…

    Counting the days to free agent signing, training camp and then the Consol Energy Center ERA PENGUINS for 2010/2011 season (complete with the Winter Classic at Heinz Field….sweet !!!!!)

  12. redram1
    May 25, 2010 5:33 pm

    I wish I could let go of the hate like the rest of you.
    My dream scenario would be for the Flyers plane to crash into the Chicago practice facility while the Blackhawks are on the ice killing everyone on both teams because I don’t like either team. The Flyers suck and I can’t stand that little bitch Toews. Then the Sharks and Canadiens could fight for the Cup as they were the first runners-up in their conferences.
    Yeah, I’m still pissed! :(

  13. Luke Steelerstahl
    May 25, 2010 6:43 pm

    F’n Penguins!

    Whenever a Pittsburgh sports team is doing good, noone pays attention to all the zany shit I’m doing. But with the Penguins done, the Buccos of Sucktitude sucking, and the Steelers without Captain Rapistberger – I better lay low

  14. Pa-pop
    May 25, 2010 10:07 pm

    I was hoping for a Hab’s-Hawks series just so I could have said, “PISS ON OLD TIME HOCKEY!” Instead we’ll have Flawky hockey. Oh, well. Go Hawks.

  15. Kim Z
    May 25, 2010 10:29 pm

    To be honest, the last time I truly cared about Hockey I was a Pens fan, but that was years ago. I’ve grown away from the sport, but as a Chicagoan I commend your choice. Go Hawks!

  16. Pensgirl
    May 25, 2010 10:30 pm

    You really need to consult me before your hockey posts to make sure I’m not in a conference that precludes me from reading them until 64 comments have been made. Because honey, the only advice you needed on this issue was mine.

    The whole Hossa outrage wasn’t over the fact that he didn’t sign with the Pens, it was that he spurned the Pens to sign with Detwaaah because he thought it was the easy road to the Cup. But his signing with Chicago was a straight-up legit transaction, and he evidently learned that the free lunch thing doesn’t exist. So the Hossa thing? Sooo last year.

    Hating the Flyers, however…that’s diamonds baby – it lasts forever. On top of which, the only thing worse than the Flyers winning the Cup is the Flyers winning the Cup in a year that causes their names to be etched right next to our Pens’ names. EW EW EW EW EW.

    In the words of Denis Savard, Commit to the Indian. GO HAWKS!

  17. MizzPenz
    May 25, 2010 11:35 pm

    Go Hawks! I’m so tired of hearing so called “Flyers Fans” say that it would be so great to have the cup in PA 2 years in a row. These are the same fans that just went out to their local Dunham’s or Dick’s or frickin’ WalMart to buy their bandwagon jumpin’ T-Shirts, n’at.

    As for Hossa. Let it rest. Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, he’s a great “for rent” player and is doing what the NHL allows year after year: Moving around from team to team getting the most money allowable. His time with us was brief, but it’s time to just let it go.

    Besides… I don’t think there would be anything sweeter than to see Philthadelphia cry a river of tears after tanking in the Stanley Cup Finals!

  18. Butcher's Dog
    May 26, 2010 7:07 am

    Did you get your answer, Ginny? I thought so.

    I used to feel bad ’cause I’d secretly hope for a Flyers team plane crash, but redram1 helped me out by sharing. Thanks!

    And here’s the thing about Hossa that most everyone seems to miss: he helped the Pens immensely by not signing. With the money he left we got Geno and Staal and Fleury locked up long enough for a couple more cup runs at the least. He takes the pile and some of them are headed elsewhere, maybe even last year.

  19. cmd_45
    May 26, 2010 9:04 am

    I won’t be watching, but I definitely don’t want the cup anywhere in PA other than Pittsburgh. Can’t stand the Flyers and never will.

  20. Steve in Denver
    May 26, 2010 10:21 am

    When my kids go number two, we call it “taking a shartnell”. Nuff said. Hawks in 4 please.

  21. Pghlove
    May 26, 2010 11:37 am

    Thanks to you and Ron Cook for convincing me to support the Hawks.

    I’m forever a Pittsburgher, but I live in Chicago now. Everyday on my hellish commute, a huge building-side mural that says “Good Luck in the Playoffs” with Hawks logo glares are me. Everyday I am irritated. Well, no more. Even with Hossa, they are 10x a better, classier team than Philly.

    Go Hawks.

  22. Angry Mongo
    May 26, 2010 2:37 pm

    I’m personally hoping for a major incident that just cancels the playoffs all together allowing the Pens to hold onto the cup for another year. One stone, two kills kind of thing.

    Considering that is about as unlikely as a helicopter slowly drifting backwards into the gaping hole on the Civic Arena roof…. I have to go with Flyers. The thing with the Flyers is just on the ice trash talk from a bunch of crybabies. Hossa made it personal.

    I hate Hossa and there is no end to my hate. I don’t want to get even, I want to go up by five. Pens winning the cup last year was even. Three years of abject humiliation… that’s +3, at least.

  23. Mark
    May 26, 2010 7:34 pm

    I had similar misgivings and arrived at teh same conclusion – rather one guy i can’t stand be happy than a whole set of fans I can’t stand.

    Hossa’s mistake was actually SAYING it, he could have felt that way but just shut yer yap….well, he ALREADY felt the most major humilitaion you can feel – loding to the team you bailed on. I am sure a Cup will make him feel better, but having to shake the Pen’s hands after the 2009 final full from all that crow….hard to forget, i bet :)

  24. bluegold08
    May 26, 2010 7:44 pm

    I cheer aggressively for two teams–the Pens and whoever’s playing the flyers. Let’s go chi town.