Hey hey hey! Stop punching your monitor! Geez.
The Stanley Cup Finals are kicking off soon and unless a flock of flightless iceberg-dwelling birds shows up, the Penguins will not be there.
Who will be there will be the Philadelphia Flyers and the Chicago Blackhawks.
And this is where I have to make a decision.
Do I cheer for evil in the form of the hated Flyers, a team I hate as much as the Red Wings? A team whose name I spit after I speak it so as to clear my mouth of the bitter taste of pestilence? Ptooie! Ptooie!
Or do I cheer for the Chicago Blackhawks, who I am very meh about but who currently employ one Marian Hossa, a man — my parents always taught me to never hate anyone, so to quote Rashad Evans in speaking of Rampage Jackson, “I strongly dislike that mother[bleeper].” — a man whose name I spit after I speak it, then flip the double bird, then do that hand under the chin thing, then do that wrist in the crook of the arm thing, then even do that fake Friends swear gesture with the sideways double wrist bump? A man whose balls I have repeatedly and emphatically requested on a stick … charred?
Evil versus Evilerererer.
Who do I want holding our Cup up in the air in triumph?
Don’t hate me, Pittsburgh!
I cannot root for the Flyers. I will not root for the Flyers.
And, sigh, I have to admit this. Marian has paid his dues for leaving Pittsburgh because he thought the Red Wings had a better chance at winning the Cup.
First, NEENER NEENER NEENER, ya dumbass.
Second, I don’t know when my heart started softening toward him, but it did very very recently. He watched the Red Wings hoist the Cup as a Penguin. He watched the Penguins hoist the Cup as a Red Wing and my heart exploded with evil joy (there’s such a thing).
I think he was punished more than enough not only by watching his old team win the Cup he thought they were incapable of winning, but also by my continual stabbing of the Marian Hossa Voodoo Doll of Hockey Justice … in the charred balls. That’s gotta smart.
He hasn’t sought it, but I forgive him. I’m ready to see him smile again, even if he’s got to be wearing a Blackhawks jersey to do it.
Please be gentle with me in the comments, Burghers. I’m disappointed in me too.
[bitchslaps self] [tosses Marian Hossa Voodoo Doll of Hockey Justice in the trash]