Let’s talk about the Steelers a bit today because I just love the comments and emails I get all, “God, did Jeff Reed/Ben Roethlisberger turn you down once in a bar and that’s why you’re such a raging bitch to them?”
Yes! Yes! That is exactly what happened. It’s not that they are jerks who continuously make horrible decisions, thereby tarnishing the great Steelers name and making it hard for me to cheer for them. It’s not that they’ve together been accused of half a dozen crimes, some as horrific as rape.
It is simply that I wanted to get me some of that, and I couldn’t. And because I’ve never met a dead horse I didn’t want to beat.
I feel so much better now that the truth is out.
Know who else probably wanted to get him some of that and couldn’t, because that’s the only reason he would order both of them to behavioral evaluation? Roger Goodell.
Jeff Reed revealed today that after he was cited for getting belligerent with officers when they tried to deal with The Great Public Urinator Matt Spaeth, the NFL ordered him to undergo an evaluation in light of his prior offenses as well.
“I’ve been to doctors, too, and psychologists and I take it seriously,” Reed said. “Because if someone thinks it’s that important to do something like that, then I treat it like that.”
You guys, I’m so sorry. But for some reason, reading the way Jeff orders his words or something. It gives me a little chuckle. I get what he’s trying to say, but hee. Eloquent, he is not.
Because, you know, he turned me down that one time at Diesel when I was all, “Hey, how’s about you and me hop in the Mom Dorkmobile and I show you what’s under this turtleneck and the tank top I have on under this turtleneck. I hope you’re cool with nursing bras because, sweetie, it’s laundry day.”
“Everybody in their lives no matter who you are, or what job you have or if you’re a professional athlete or a Joe on the street, everybody’s had their share of stuff they’ve got away with,” Reed said. “And everybody’s had their share of getting in trouble for what may seem not as prominent as people think it is. …
Is this English? I’m seriously trying to understand what he’s trying to say. Of course my judgment might be clouded by the fact that he refused to give me an STD when I REALLY REALLY WANTED ONE, just so that one day I could say, “See this mouth sore? Jeff Reed gave me that. BAZINGA!”
“How you deal with it and how you respond like any adversity, whether it’s on the field or off, is what kind of person you are.”
What a proverb!
“I probably do two (team-related appearances) a week in season and out of season but you don’t hear anything until I get in trouble,” Reed said. “It’s always ‘What a bad guy’ and stuff like that and that’s what bothers me. You don’t get attention for the positive things you do, but one little thing happens and it’s huge.”
I have news for you. The WHOLE WORLD operates that way. Sure when people do something freaking awesome like donate a million bucks or save lives, we might hear about it. But for people? Regular humans? These “Joes on the street?” You don’t really hear about their volunteer activities. You DO hear about it when they steal or get caught with drugs or run naked down the Parkway East. That’s just the way life is for us normal folks. My father and my mother are amazing people. My dad donates so many hours to a young boy he mentors. My mother will not hesitate to help anyone at any time. Ever. They are generous. They volunteer. They are good people. You’ve never heard about them. But golly gee if they go all Bonnie and Clyde on some Sheetz stores? You’re gonna hear about it. Welcome to real life where millions of people do good things and get zero recognition for it. If you don’t want us to hear about the bad shit you do, don’t do bad shit. The end.
P.S. Okay, next time you’re in Diesel, I’ll be the chick wearing capris and a pigeon t-shirt and carrying an ENORMOUS purse full of crayons and pull-ups and baby wipes. I’ll wink at you across the room and lick my lips. You better make your move, buddy, because those mouth sores aren’t going to sprout themselves.