Choking on the suck.

While I was hoping you wouldn’t notice, I can’t ignore the emails any longer.

The Buccos of Suckitude have lost eight in a row. Nine of their last ten.

They’ve won nine road games all season.

They sit in last place in the NL Central.

They are playing .365 ball, 13.5 games out of first place.

Their fastest path to .500 ball is 17 straight wins. It’s okay to laugh at that. I did. LOL.

There is only one team in all the MLB playing worse than the Pirates and that is .270 Baltimore Orioles, who might be fielding a team of actual orioles. I don’t know. I haven’t checked. Maybe it’s bandicoots. Or possums.

I’m not saying this is no longer the year. I’m not saying I have given up. I’m not saying I quit watching the games. I’m not saying I have begun dousing the bandwagon with lighter fluid mixed with my salty tears. I’m not saying I have taken out some extra insurance on the bandwagon. I’m not saying I have smelled poopy diapers that stink less than the Pirates do right now.

I’m just saying that, yes, readers, I’m aware that as they are currently playing, the Pittsburgh Pirates couldn’t best a team of yellow-breasted sapsuckers playing backup for a team of mostly-dead possums being managed by elderly bandicoots.

I’m also saying that the only people left on the bandwagon with me are only still here because they’re too damn drunk to find their way off.

I promise to push them before I light the match.

Let’s go Bucs. She says weakly and drunkenly.




  1. PittGal in WI
    June 14, 2010 3:39 pm


  2. Joe K.
    June 14, 2010 3:54 pm

    Hey nobody said this was for the faint of heart…

  3. PK
    June 14, 2010 3:55 pm

    I think that (o)possum needs mouth-to-mouth.

    They do have automated external defibrillators at PNC Park, don’t they? Maybe they should start using them on themselves in the locker room between innings.

  4. Just A Simple Man
    June 14, 2010 3:56 pm

    Hang in there Ginny…

  5. Michael Sorg
    June 14, 2010 4:05 pm

    I’m waiting for the Angels in the Outfield moment, myself….

  6. unsatisfied
    June 14, 2010 4:08 pm

    they’re still shitty.

  7. Just A Simple Man
    June 14, 2010 4:10 pm

    I seriously think they are all casting for the remake of Major League myself.

  8. Nate
    June 14, 2010 4:10 pm

    It could be worse, Ginny – you could be in my boat where I am seeing three straight Pirates games with a fleet of Clevelanders making the journey to watch their boys beat up dem’ dar Buccos this weekend …

    And if the Pirates lose all three – there will be no living with my wife, let along listening to my in-laws … oy vey …

  9. Matt
    June 14, 2010 4:17 pm

    But Pedro Alvarez still hasn’t joined the team! He’ll turn this team around! [huge eye roll}

    The sooner the remaining Pirates fans realize that Nutting isn’t going to spend the money for good players, and stop going to games, the sooner we can run him out of town and get a REAL owner.

    But hey, there’s always fireworks and bobbleheads!!!

  10. jdp
    June 14, 2010 4:22 pm

    I just need them to not suck on 7/3 when my little guy goes down for his first game. Just came from an embarrassment of a game at the Erie Seawolves that left him so deflated. He didn’t think it was funny when I said the Seawolves could probably beat the Pirates. He’s taking Granpa to the game so they HAVE to win according to a 7 year old boy mind. We’ll see :)

  11. Matt
    June 14, 2010 4:24 pm

    The Pirates should just bring up the entire Altoona Curve team. They currently have the best record in all of baseball.

  12. Carpetbagger
    June 14, 2010 4:30 pm

    You don’t have to spend money for good players. The Rays and Twins and Padres are some of the best teams in baseball and they are just as cheap as the Pirates. Sure, you can’t make mistakes when you are cheap–and the Pirates of the past made lots of them–but you can compete.

    So, it’s okay. We are playing for 2012 and on. We are waiting for Walker and Alvarez and Tabata and Lincoln and Sanchez and Alderson and d’Arnaud and the rest to become major league players… some won’t but most will. Add them to McCutchen and other draft picks and other prospects we get this year when we trade Dotel and Milledge and Iwamura… and we will have the makings of a team.

    Get past the wins and losses. They don’t matter this year… or next. We are playing for the future, not this year. In the meantime, these kids are well worth watching.

  13. Burgh Baby
    June 14, 2010 4:31 pm

    It was way more fun taunting you about their level of suckage when it wasn’t quite so pitiful. I mean, I expect them to suck, but this exceeds even my expectations. It’s just plain depressing.

  14. Monty
    June 14, 2010 4:32 pm

    It’s like rooting for Amy Winehouse against drugs. Or Webster against virginity. Or Tori Spelling against beauty.

  15. bluzdude
    June 14, 2010 4:42 pm

    As I began reading, I was going to say, “At least they’re not the Orioles”, but I see you made the point.

    We gotta get these kids together soon, and hold the World Series of Suck!

  16. Sooska
    June 14, 2010 4:43 pm

    Time to call Awesome Possum. TA DA DAH!

    This is why I was all *yawn* over that “Natinals” kid striking out a baker’s dozen or so of the BoS.

  17. windy city steel city
    June 14, 2010 4:45 pm

    Bandicoots is such a fun word to say. right up there with skulduggery, onomatopoeia, whippersnappers

  18. BeauJacques
    June 14, 2010 5:01 pm

    It’s a “re-building ” year!

    Luke Ravenstahl is qualified to run a city!

    The check’s in the mail.

    I am the “reform” candidate!

    I didn’t spend any money, my sister bought it for me.

    This won’t hurt a bit.

    You get this one, I’ll pay next time.

    I’ll be right back.

    Trust me, I’ll take care of everything.

    Of course I love you. I’ll call you later.

    I’ve never done anything like this before.

    Now I’m going to tell you the truth.

    Adam Ravenstahl is qualified to….., uhhhh, … to…..,

    Oh to Hell with it- The only thing he IS qualified to do is attend Ravenstahl family functions.

  19. empirechick
    June 14, 2010 5:11 pm

    Hey, if Carpetbagger is right, we’ll only have 19 or 20 straight years of suckitude! I can’t believe the end is so nigh!

    It seems like just yesterday when they unveiled that first 5-year plan…

  20. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    June 14, 2010 5:19 pm

    I’ll never give up on my Buccos. No matter how bad they are. I still believe they can do it and give them my support. Let’s go Bucs!

  21. IKNAB
    June 14, 2010 5:25 pm


  22. Cassie
    June 14, 2010 5:46 pm

    @Bluz WORD! I’d SO go to see that. It’d be like watching baseball bloopers live!

  23. matt pritt
    June 14, 2010 6:38 pm

    Nobody is as cheap as the Pirates, the teams Carpetbagger cited as being models have one glaring difference, the ability to pay and maintain talent when it does come around. The Rays payroll this season is better than twice that of the Pirates and the Twins are almost three times as much (PGH 34,940,000, TB 71,923,471, MIN 97,559,167). If the Pirates were to have a Joe Mauer or a Evan Longoria we can safely assume that they would be traded away for more spare parts the minute they proved to be of any value whatsoever.

  24. Kathy
    June 14, 2010 7:26 pm

    Is it coincidence that my American league team – Oakland – has the same “quality” approach to promising players? Buy low, sell high! It’s the managing model for Lew Wolfe!

  25. Butcher's Dog
    June 14, 2010 7:37 pm

    They’re getting better, not worse, record du jour be damned. And Alvarez will make them even better. And if this doesn’t turn out to be THE YEAR, at least it’ll be THE YEAR THAT LED TO THE YEAR. Please don’t burn the bandwagon while I’m still on it. I’m sober enough to get off without being pushed, too. Really. For the time being.

  26. PK
    June 14, 2010 7:47 pm

    My coworker went to the Detroit game on Saturday and was first taken aback when they didn’t give out any bobbleheads or whatever…on a Saturday no less! Then, after everyone left the park, they set off fireworks…and no one stayed to watch!

    But my favorite was when someone started taunting them for wearing their Pirates gear…and they said “Hey, we’re used to watching them lose! Give us your best shot!”

  27. Politicalpartypooper
    June 14, 2010 8:02 pm


    I realize that normally, you judge the quality of a team’s play by their record. But I don’t do that. I judge the quality of a team by how closely they track according to their talent. Pittsburgh is playing a little under where I would expect them to.

    My Brewers, on the other hand…OWN SUCK. They own it like they invented it, patented it, and then shoved it down the throat of every mirror-fogging American at two-for-the-price-one.


    I’ve never been so frustrated with a Brewer team in all my life, and you only get this frustrated when you know they are SUPPOSED to be way better than they are, and you suddenly realize that suck isn’t something you list on paper, but wated three hours watching night after night on TV. I actually made room on my schedule for these clowns!

    Suck…you can’t possibly understand it until you own it. ;)

  28. Ginny's Dad
    June 14, 2010 10:25 pm


    Give it up. They are not going to be competitive with John Russell as manager. He is probably a very nice guy and knows baseball far better than me, but he is not a motivator nor one who can instill some confidence in the players.

    The fact that they can play competitively at home but horribly on the road tells me it’s more of a confidence issue rather than lack of talent. I think the right kind of manager can turn the team around. Look what happened when Bylsma took over the Pens in Feb 2009. Same players, different results.

  29. NW PA Joe
    June 14, 2010 11:04 pm

    Carpetbagger is right. They actually have some young talent. With some luck (which they deserve X 10), they may be contending by 2012 (maybe 2013).

    Keep in mind that all of these young players will be arbitration eligible by 2014. Assuming they keep them all, this will mean a payroll of about 75-80 million – more than twice the current payroll. I will believe it when I see it.

  30. Andy T.
    June 14, 2010 11:28 pm

    Lemme see, I had a can of lighter fluid around here somwhere… Ah, there it is. Now, who wants smores?

  31. bucdaddy
    June 14, 2010 11:33 pm

    BeauJacques Says:
    June 14th, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    It’s not mine, officer, I was just holding it for a friend.

  32. bucdaddy
    June 14, 2010 11:36 pm

    BeauJacques Says:
    June 14th, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    “I regret my actions and the embarrassment I brought on my team and teammates. I have learned my lesson.”

  33. Me
    June 15, 2010 6:35 am

    The Pirates — Rebuilding Since 1993.

  34. Dan (Not Onarato)
    June 15, 2010 8:10 am

    @27 PoliticalPartyPooper-

    I think after 17-18 losing years we pretty much have the market on perfecting suck

  35. Duncan
    June 15, 2010 9:29 am

    If you insist on watching baseball – there’s the Wild Things down in Washington, PA.

  36. SusanV
    June 15, 2010 11:09 am

    My 9 year old nephew is playing in the All-Star little league this summer. While it might cut into his schedule and he’ll need a chaperone for the away games, maybe they’d like to add him to the team? They could pay him in snack food, and really, he doesn’t eat very much…

    Hell, it couldn’t hurt for them to consider it at this point…

  37. Carpetbagger
    June 15, 2010 11:49 am

    @Matt Pritt “the teams Carpetbagger cited as being models have one glaring difference, the ability to pay and maintain talent when it does come around.”

    The Pirates will up the payroll when they have the talent that deserves it. What, you want them to give Andy LaRoche a huge contract?

    And next season, the Rays are going to lose two of their best players–Carl Crawford and Carlos Pena–because they won’t be able to compete with the Yankees for their Free Agent services. They will then reload with cheaper prospects and their payroll will drop.

    Sound familiar??

  38. Carpetbagger
    June 15, 2010 12:06 pm

    Also, @matt Pritt, the Twins were only able to keep Mauer because he gave them a “hometown discount.” If he would have held out and entered free agency, the Yankees or Red Sox surely would have outbid the Twins in the end.

  39. matt pritt
    June 15, 2010 4:24 pm

    No, I don’t want to give Andy LaRoche a huge contract, but when the option was there for Jose Bautista or Aramis Ramirez the Pirates passed. I don’t know how much you consider it a hometown “discount” for Mauer, the extension he signed is the fourth largest contract in major league baseball history, 23 million a year for 8 years starting in 2011. Sure the Yankees or Red Sox may have offered more but rest assured the Pirates will never offer anyone $23 million a season.
    If the Rays were interested in doing things on the cheap they could have opted not to exercise their club option on Crawford in either of the last two years, yet here they are paying him $10 million this year. If they wanted to go cheaper they could have done that two seasons ago. They also went out and acquired Rafael Soriano in the offseason to bolster the bullpen at a cost of $7.5 million. Jamie Shields is locked up through 2014 at costs of 2.5 mil, 4.25 mil, 7 mil, 9 mil and 12 mil. Meanwhile the Pirates maintain the rights on Andrew McCutchen through 2015 and I think we all are waiting to hear the list of excuses they will come up with when they opt to let him go for more prospects rather than pay him.

  40. Jack-ImageX
    June 15, 2010 8:03 pm

    If they don’t lose 100 games this year, I’ll be disappointed. They have such a great chance to reach that milestone!

  41. Xena
    June 16, 2010 1:49 am

    It’s not going to be their year until the Nuttings are gone. Clearly, they don’t have anyone in the minor leagues teaching fundamentals, like how to run the bases or where to throw the ball. I don’t even want to talk about John Russell. I actually feel sorry for him, but sorrier for the team because they are young and seem to have some enthusiasm even though they are stuck in Baseball Hell. Those kids deserve better.