While I was hoping you wouldn’t notice, I can’t ignore the emails any longer.
The Buccos of Suckitude have lost eight in a row. Nine of their last ten.
They’ve won nine road games all season.
They sit in last place in the NL Central.
They are playing .365 ball, 13.5 games out of first place.
Their fastest path to .500 ball is 17 straight wins. It’s okay to laugh at that. I did. LOL.
There is only one team in all the MLB playing worse than the Pirates and that is .270 Baltimore Orioles, who might be fielding a team of actual orioles. I don’t know. I haven’t checked. Maybe it’s bandicoots. Or possums.
I’m not saying this is no longer the year. I’m not saying I have given up. I’m not saying I quit watching the games. I’m not saying I have begun dousing the bandwagon with lighter fluid mixed with my salty tears. I’m not saying I have taken out some extra insurance on the bandwagon. I’m not saying I have smelled poopy diapers that stink less than the Pirates do right now.
I’m just saying that, yes, readers, I’m aware that as they are currently playing, the Pittsburgh Pirates couldn’t best a team of yellow-breasted sapsuckers playing backup for a team of mostly-dead possums being managed by elderly bandicoots.
I’m also saying that the only people left on the bandwagon with me are only still here because they’re too damn drunk to find their way off.
I promise to push them before I light the match.
Let’s go Bucs. She says weakly and drunkenly.