Email conversations with my sisters

As you know, my four sisters and I often email back and forth, occasionally allowing my parents in on the threads, but only those threads that don’t talk about SEX, DRUGS AND ROCK AND ROLL.

One of the threads we did not include my parents on recently — avert your eyes, boys — was a thread about bikini waxes. Specifically, one sister, who shall remain nameless asked us other sisters if we’d ever used an at-home bikini wax kit, did it hurt, and how long did it last? She said she was asking for her “friend.”

I am aware that if the phrase Too Much Information had not yet been invented, that it would have been invented today after this post, but I’m sharing anyways because IT IS FUNNY.

So, after some back and forth in which three of us chimed in with our opinions and experiences, Tina Fey chimed in with:

I have an actual friend who had one and she said that for a week afterward her female parts looked like an angry bald man.  Do with it what you will.

ANGRY BALD MAN. LOL.

One of the threads we DID include my parents on was our annual email discussion about what we will each be cooking for our night to cook at the family beach extravaganza in North Carolina.

For about, oh, 8 years now, Tina Fey has always made the same thing — bechamel pasta with prosciutto. Proscuitto is pig and my father hates eating pork. So each vacation when it was Tina Fey’s night to cook, my father would sit there and pick the pork out of his pasta like a toddler picking individual oregano flecks out of spaghetti sauce. Just begging for a time out and a forfeiture of dessert, that one.

This year, things will be different:

Tina Fey: So I’m calling the faux Italian meal for vacation. I’m making ravioli lasagna.  No piggy meat, Dad!!! Let’s start planning, people!!

Me: David is cooking our meal, but I am making Peach Crisp with Maple Cream Sauce for dessert because, well, I can and it doesn’t suck. YAY.

Princess Aurora: We are making bacon wrapped pork loin with a pork au jus sauce. With a side of cracklins. And for an appetizer pickled pigs feet. Be sure to suck in between the toes for the most flavor!

I heard my father fall out of his chair, from two miles away.

And my parents were CERTAINLY not included on the thread about how teens these days are way hotter than they were when we were teenagers, that included this gem about one of the four of them:

I’m sure a cougar with a hole in her skull that her brain is poking out of which thereby puts pressure on her ear drum giving her an inner ear imbalance thus leading to dizziness and an overwhelming desire to puke during sex is a total turn-on for 18-year-old guys.

My sisters are bonkers.

God love ’em.





22 Comments

  1. Sheila
    June 29, 2010 11:51 am

    Damn you guys really go all out! My sisters (5 of us) will take turns and make the obligatory spaghetti, tacos & chicken/shrimp one night. Ribs if we’re really feeling generous! We’re off the Outer Banks in July !



  2. Monty
    June 29, 2010 11:53 am

    I am speechless, except to say that an angry old man looks better than Buckwheat in a leglock.



  3. Lauren
    June 29, 2010 12:00 pm

    Skip the bikini wax and just get the laser hair removal. It hurts like a mofo, but at least it doesn’t really grow back.

    /tmi



  4. unsatisfied
    June 29, 2010 12:21 pm

    one of my nephews (around the age of 9 at the time) said that he accidently saw my niece (around age 13 at the time) walking naked into the bathroom one day and remarked that he had not previously noticed the “afro” that was in her netheregion……

    kids say the darndest things….



  5. Wormy
    June 29, 2010 12:45 pm

    As a professional waxer, please don’t do waxing at home. It never ends well. Go to a salon you trust, that you know is clean and that the tech knows what she is doing. It should NEVER look like an angry bald man. A bit irritated for a few hours is normal and should be gone by the next morning. If its worse than that, someone did something wrong. I’m begging you…don’t try this at home….unless you want a really good blog out of it.



  6. Bulldog
    June 29, 2010 12:45 pm

    unsatisfied – that is one of the most hilarious things I’ve read in a long, long time. Then, when I stopped laughing I read it again and saw that he “had not previously noticed the…” which begs the question how often has he observed said netheregions? Oh nevermind…back to “TMI”



  7. burgher-licious
    June 29, 2010 12:55 pm

    Conversations only sisters could have. I have 3 sisters as well – but we also have 6 brothers. So our conversations randomly bash our brothers and how they must have all been adopted and the family could still be complete without them. Until we go to the Outer Banks in July – then we make them cook. Sometimes it is good to be queen(s).



  8. bucdaddy
    June 29, 2010 1:03 pm

    I stand second to no man in my pleasure at taking a dive down there, but I am NOT, repeat NOT, going to kiss George Costanza.



  9. tw
    June 29, 2010 1:22 pm

    bucdaddy…LMAO!!!!!!



  10. empirechick
    June 29, 2010 1:33 pm

    Oh, that Princess Aurora! Clearly she must be your dad’s favorite, she of ‘SALLY WIGGIN SALLY WIGGIN SALLY WIGGIN fame?



  11. Kathy
    June 29, 2010 1:46 pm

    bucdaddy…holy f! haha



  12. SwampAngel65
    June 29, 2010 1:52 pm

    When will the whole bikini waxing fad just go away…for God’s sake!!!

    Anyway…I want the recipe for your crispy thingy with maple sauce. THAT sounds worth trying at home!



  13. red pen mama
    June 29, 2010 3:31 pm

    The pork email cracked me up. God bless your dad.

    Re: bikini waxes: there is a difference between waxing the bikini line and getting a Brazilian wax. The latter would result in that angry bald man look; the former should take anything off the, ahem, lady business. But salon bikini waxes are easy, result in only one day of redness (unless you have particularly sensitive skin), and should last about 6 weeks. I love and swear by bikini waxing. No way am I suffering razor burn all summer long. I wouldn’t suggest bikini waxing at home. It’s hard to get all the hair by yourself unless you’re a contortionist.

    And, bucdaddy: HAHAHAHAHA!



  14. red pen mama
    June 29, 2010 3:31 pm

    dammit: should NOT take anything off the you-know-what!



  15. unsatisfied
    June 29, 2010 5:23 pm

    bulldog — years and years of therapy should take care of it.



  16. CS
    June 29, 2010 7:01 pm

    Home bikini wax=bad idea. I’ve tried it and don’t recommend it.

    Someone mentioned laser hair removal. Not sure if your sisters all have the same complexion as you (which would be almost ideal for laser hair removal) but I am fair with very fair hair and laser hair removal DOESN’T WORK for people with light hair. $800 lesson for me…please save your money!



  17. bluzdude
    June 29, 2010 7:33 pm

    I’ll never look at James Carville the same way again.



  18. Pensgirl
    June 30, 2010 9:50 am

    Parissa wax strips (found at Ulta). The wax is pre-deposited on the strips, and you use them cold, so it’s as no-muss-no-fuss as DIY waxing is ever going to be. But definitely wouldn’t do anything at home except the actual bikini line.



  19. Cassie
    June 30, 2010 10:07 am

    Angry bald man. Hmm.



  20. unsatisfied
    June 30, 2010 10:50 am

    I was listening to XM’s “raw dog” comedy channel this morning and mitch fatel was going on about “girls who wax” — saying something along the lines of “how cool are women? they come up with new ideas like how to make it easier to see their vaginas. better visibility — that’s just awesome. what’s next, putting a DVD player down there?”

    I just about snorted my coffee outta my nose….



  21. Jen
    June 30, 2010 12:34 pm

    DUDE. Cracking up over the pork extravaganza dinner! That is totally something my sister and I would do ;)



  22. Carpetbagger
    June 30, 2010 12:44 pm

    1. my boss is an angry bald man. Always knew he was a “lady business.”

    2. The last email fails to mention anything about the failure to parallel park.