That's Church

Without need of comment other than this one to the girls, “[High-five!].”

Also, the caption for this picture said there’s a Geico caveman in it somewhere, but it’s odd, because I count two.

I laughed at this:

“The victims reported to the officers that the actor may have been mentally challenged as they observed his unique run to be like that of a penguin,” police wrote in a media statement.

I’m sorry. Don’t comment with hate. I already know it was inappropriate to laugh.

But seriously. THEY WROTE THAT IN A MEDIA STATEMENT. It’s all “Serious. Serious. Sexual act in public. Serious. Crime. Wanted. Serious. Scary. Serious. Serious. Serious. PENGUIN!”

I’m sorry.

I’m going to go be a good person now.

I live in Pittsburgh because in addition to loving this city, the climate is mild, and the chance of catastrophic natural events is much smaller here than in other cities.

I don’t have to worry too much about tornado activity (not like Tina Fey in Texas who has been known to call us all, “So, we’re all huddled in the closet playing Uno and there are currently seven tornados surrounding us. D just made DD draw four and you should see the look on his face because he only had one card left, except we’re playing by flashlight so it’s kind of hard to see his face, and who knows, maybe his “draw four” was really a “reverse,” LOL. How are yinz guys up there? Oh, gotta go. I think I heard a tree land on my car.”)

I don’t have to worry about hurricanes ripping my roof off, or just sitting on my house for three whole days like Katrina did to my in-laws in Cancun.

I don’t have to plan my day around the fact that it will be 103 degrees by 7:30 a.m. and if I’d like to do any sort of outdoor activity, like retrieving the morning newspaper, I’d better plan it around a trip to the mailbox, because stepping outside after 10 a.m., well, I might literally burst into flames.

Yeah, we have straight line wind, hail, lightning, and sporadic droughts, but we don’t have volcanic ash raining down on us, rogue waves sweeping our houses away, or half our state currently engulfed in a forest fire.

Landslides are rare, and at most, a sinkhole here might swallow a car.

I don’t have to tunnel my way out of my home in the winter, except for that one time this past winter when you were all, “Booyah!” Which, touche, Mother Nature. Touche.

And unlike folks in Mexico City or LA, I don’t have to worry about earthquakes.

Until now.

So, seriously, for the love of Julie Bologna, cut it out.

Love,

Me.

Since their rescue, and the rescue of the BRESMA orphans from earthquake-ravaged Haiti in January, I have kept in regular contact with Jamie and Ali McMutrie.  Our meetings usually take place over dinner at Las Velas with Jonathan Wander and often involve a few margaritas, lots of laughs, and plenty of held-back tears.

I always want to keep you all updated as to what’s going on with the girls, because your help was so instrumental in spreading the word that lit the fire that got them and the children rescued.

Some big news!

1. They are in the final stages of the land purchase — land that will one day house Jamie and Ali’s very own orphanage. This land purchase will be finalized when the girls return to Haiti early next month.  Here are Ali (left) and Jamie standing on what will be soon be their new Haitian home, resting on five acres of land approximately 19 miles north of the heart of Port au Prince, Haiti.

2. While in Haiti these past few weeks, Jamie and Ali spent some time with the Lansdown family who then made a donation that was double-matched by Newmont Mining Corporation, bringing the total donation to $250,000. That will go a ways toward helping Jamie and Ali meet their fundraising goal to build their orphanage through their 501c3, Haitian Orphan Rescue.

Here are Jamie and Ali standing with (from left) Rich Harris and Lisa Harris of The Road to Hope, which has raised over $70,000 for Haitian Orphan Rescue and will be facilitating the new $250,000 donation, Guy Lansdown, Jason Lansdown, Nicola Lansdown, Ryan Lansdown, Rachel Harris, and Zach Harris.

3. One thing Jamie and Ali are very excited about is that the land is very fertile. This fertility, in addition to the fact that the land is in a perfect spot for a well (a high water table and far enough away from the ocean), will allow their new orphanage to be self-sustaining.

4.  Another exciting thing is that their orphanage will be highly secure and built to American building codes. Particularly interesting is that it is being engineered to withstand another earthquake. This is thanks in part to the incredible generosity of a few local companies who are working with Haitian Orphan Rescue to build the new orphanage:

• Chester Engineering
• Massaro Construction
• Tasso Katselas, Architect

If you know or see or meet someone from one of these companies, do me a favor and give them a giant pat on the back for what they’re doing. Hell, hug ‘em.

Those companies will be working with Tecina SA, a construction company in Haiti.

5. Jamie and Ali are currently spending a great deal of time working in Haiti, weeks at a time in fact, and have been assisting in the care of several children there by providing food, supplies, and other necessities. Here are a few pictures they said I could share with you:

Just so many exciting things happening for them and I’m so happy to be able to share them with you.

I’ll keep you updated as I can.

From a super scientific-sounding journal called Acta Veterinaria Scandinavica, which I believe translates to, “The information contained in this journal is 100% factual and is never wrong.  Indisputable. Take it as fact. It is church. It is so. Suck it pigeon-lovers. Scandinavia.”

Loosely, of course.

This leads to the hypothesis that pigeons act as asymptomatic reservoirs of Chlamydophila psittaci and Campylobacter jejuni. These birds may therefore pose a public health risk to the human population.

I have no idea what Chlamydophila psittaci and Campylobacter jejuni do to humans, but if I had to guess based on my spectacular translating skills, I’d say the first involves a deadly inflammation of the psittaci and the second, a puss-explosion of the jejuni.

So be ye warned, pigeon lovers. Those “adorable” “harmless” “loving” agents of Satan that you are constantly defending as better than vermin, are actually terrifying carrier-monkeys of deadly disease.

Don’t come crying to me when you get acute psittaciitis or you need to get your jejuni removed before it erupts.

This post has been 100% verified as scientifically accurate by the Accurate Science Institute of Blogging Accuracy, a reputable organization that I did not just make up.

(h/t Macengr)