And she saw the Suckitude and said, “Behold. It is very sucky.”

First, if you haven’t yet read my latest post over at Pittsburgh Magazine, it is all about what is now known as the Suckitude and about something Nutting said that is so off the wall bullshitty that I LITERALLY exploded. KABLOOEY! Arms flailing. Gums flapping. Teeth gnashing. Fists shaking. Ears smoking. KABLOOEY!

Now, after you read that, know that I haven’t yet loaded enough C-4 onto the bandwagon to send its exploded bits into orbit around Jupiter. I’m seriously thinking about it though. And I’m pretty sure I could rig it to do that since I watch so much Burn Notice. I think you just get some C-4 from the Buy More, put it in the trunk of the bandwagon with a cell phone stuck in it like a birthday candle, dial the C-4’s number and then KABLOOEY! At least that’s how it works on TV.

You and I aren’t the only ones frustrated with the Suckitude.  Some “mentalist” called The Amazing Kreskin thinks he could perform some kind of magic mind-meld mentalist mojojuju on the Pirates that would allow them to win, but it will only work if Huntington and Russell are no longer part of team management.

Kreskin believes that once the undynamic duo departs, he could use the power of suggestion to fix the players’ collective funk. He says group sessions could convince the Bucs they’re not fated to dwell in the basement of the National League, victims of a culture of losing, and could rise to become champions, something they owe to fans in these troubled times.

Oh, the power of suggestion is all we need to negate 17 years of losing?! Fantastic.

Dear the Suckitude, I STRONGLY SUGGEST you start winning in a consistent, commanding fashion and that you do it soon, otherwise, I STRONGLY SUGGEST you take cover because this bandwagon is about to freak the shit out of the aliens on Jupiter when it starts raining fire on their planet.

Do you think the Amazing Kreskin could kindly suggest to the pigeons that they no longer want to live?

(h/t @tlesher)





23 Comments

  1. eileen
    July 2, 2010 11:55 am

    OMG, is he still alive???? Wasn’t he a regular on the Mike Douglas show or something?



  2. G-Man
    July 2, 2010 11:59 am

    One of the comments at you Pittsburgh Magazine blog mentioned fireworks and bobbleheads – and not winning baseball – being used to lure fans. I would like to point out that there is only one bobblehead giveaway this year. I presume that’s because the Pirates so often trade away players, they were afraid of making the bobbleheads and then having the player gone by the time the giveaway day arrived. That nearly happend with the Penguins and Mark Recchi a few years ago. He was benched on the night of his bobblehead giveaway.
    Embarrassing!



  3. OldNorthSider
    July 2, 2010 12:16 pm

    A nice young fella from the Pirates group sales operation called me the other day and asked if I would be bringing a group back to the ballfield this year. I told them that my out-of-town group has seen the PNC Park and ate their way through the various concessions stands these past 6 years & since the Buccos probably can’t field a team by September we were going to take in a Thursday night Pitt game this year. I was floored when the kid told me about all of the “exciting” young players. I told him he can come see “exciting” young players for free anytime he wanted to by coming North to see my son’s amazing PONY team –at least the kids are 19-3 for goodness sake! Geez!



  4. spoon
    July 2, 2010 12:41 pm

    Kids graduating high school next year have not been alive since the last winning season. the Pirates should get their G.E.D. in failure.

    We’ll have a party. lotsa fireworks and bobbleheads



  5. Bram R
    July 2, 2010 12:49 pm

    I could go either way on inviting Kreskin, but I’d leap at the opportunity to contract with The Great Buck Howard. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9dloJn5BRA



  6. Pa-pop
    July 2, 2010 1:15 pm

    I’m with eileen – in fact, I thought if Kreskin was still alive he was in his 90’s.

    Wasn’t it “The Natural” (1984, Robert Redford) where the team hired a hypnotist? Will life imitate art? And will Wilford Brimley replace John Russell?



  7. unsatisfied
    July 2, 2010 1:16 pm

    the amazing kreskin lives in north caldwell, nj?

    not so amazing…..but, it was the same town where tony soprano lived.

    maybe he and paulie walnuts could pay nutting a little visit. the succos would be up for sale so fast, it’d make yer head spin……..



  8. empirechick
    July 2, 2010 1:32 pm

    I almost hate to admit it (I of the ‘nothing will change until we stop going’ rants), but I was at the game last night – and it was terrific. My nephew is in from NJ and he’s a huge Phillies fan, so we got seats 4 rows behind the dugout. Beautiful night, good pitching, timely hitting, and we actually won!

    It makes me so sad to think that there is nothing but suck ahead for the next forever. These young guys CAN be exciting, but as soon as they turn into real players, they’ll be gone. I WANT to be on the bandwagon, I really, really do. But I just can’t get my hopes up for the 4th straight 5-year plan.

    Maybe Kreskin can offer a package deal: sessions with the player AND fans who want to believe but just can’t.



  9. Burgh Baby
    July 2, 2010 2:06 pm

    Each week that goes by without you waving goodbye to the flaming bandwagon as it splashes into the Monongahela, I’m going to buy you a bottle of tequila for some pity margaritas. Just how drunk do you want to get?



  10. Magnus Patris
    July 2, 2010 2:08 pm

    Who needs Kreskin. Why don’t we just get Dr. Bill Stilles or whatever his name is. He’s got commercials all over KDKA and he’s local. The dude could clean up if he became known as “The Man Who Made the Suck Go Away” instead of “The Man Who Made John Burnette Stop Chewin’ Tabaccy”.



  11. Sooska
    July 2, 2010 2:36 pm

    Kreskin is a writer for The Onion, right?

    PNC Park Sold Out For ‘Fan Euthanasia Night’

    May 5, 2010 | ISSUE 46•17

    PITTSBURGH—PNC Park boasted a rare sellout crowd Tuesday when more than 38,000 eager Pirates fans showed up for “Fan Euthanasia Night,” during which each attendee was guaranteed “the sweet release of a quick and painless death” courtesy of sponsor PepsiCo. “For a diehard Pirates fan who has been following this team for nearly 20 consecutive losing seasons, or really just anyone who watched them get beat 20-0 by the Brewers last week, this is certainly a well-deserved treat,” said 46-year-old Jim Martin, walking through the turnstile to receive his souvenir program and his lethal dose of sodium thiopental. “I haven’t seen so many people so relaxed and generally happy to be at a Pirates game in a long time.” An estimated 200,000 Pirates fans who were unable to get tickets to the game reportedly listened to its radio broadcast while idling their cars inside closed garages.

    Pirates Sign Guy Who Successfully Jogged Across Street
    June 26, 2010 | ISSUE 46•25

    PITTSBURGH—The Pittsburgh Pirates signed Greensburg, PA resident Clark Goldwater Monday after a team scout witnessed the 36-year-old fan run across a street near PNC Park, hand a set of keys to a friend, and maintain a steady clip on his way back to the parking lot to continue tailgating. “We’ve been looking for a guy with this kind of ability for a long time,” said Pirates manager John Russell, adding that Goldwater will start in left field for the Triple-A Indianapolis Indians Thursday. “And hearing that he only needed two strides to cross over the grass median strip tells me he might be able to stretch out a double. Players like that don’t come around every day in Pittsburgh.” Team officials are hopeful this decision will work out as well as their 2003 signing of starting pitcher Paul Maholm, whom they acquired after seeing Maholm accurately toss a used tissue into the garbage.



  12. Carbolic Smoke Ball
    July 2, 2010 2:46 pm

    “Some” mentalist called The Amazing Kreskin?! “Some” mentalist??? That’s THE Amazing Kreskin! Don’t you remember The Mike Douglas Show, starring Mike Douglas? Mike thought Kreskin was absolutely amazing, and do you know how difficult it was to impress Mike Douglas? He was almost as tough an interviewer as Larry King. THAT’S how difficult.



  13. Just A Simple Man
    July 2, 2010 3:02 pm

    This is another classic PBC management quote to add to your list as reported in the recent Delta Sky MIles Magazine per Bob Smizik’s blog…

    “I’ve worked to return the Pirates to their rightful place at the top of the National League. Being back in the playoffs in 2010 is something we’re working extremely hard to accomplish.’’ – Frank Coonelly



  14. leen
    July 2, 2010 3:24 pm

    My friend used to work for the Pirates, boy the stories he tells.
    Here’s how bad the crazy management is. Last season, the guy who used to be in charge of Pirate ticketmaster had a scam going where he took money for tickets and then figured out a way to comp them. THey caught him stealing a HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY. Pirates never turned him in. Just told him to quit. Now he is in South Africa WORKING FOR TICKETMASTER at the World Cup. Yes the same company he figured out a way to rip off thousands and thousands of dollars. Pirates never even bothered to give him a bad reference or turn him into the authorities!!



  15. NewBurgher
    July 2, 2010 4:01 pm

    @leen – I’ve heard of many companies doing that, as I do accounting and taxes. We had an attorney as a client that his bookkeeper ripped him off for a couple hundred grand – never turned her in. Didn’t want the bad publicity to mar his ability to draw new clients. Same thing with a company I used to work for. Woman set up a false vendor (herself) and paid herself well over $250K – she did no jail time. The company just dropped it. It’s maddening. How do our kids ever learn any consequences when all they see around them is people getting away with all sorts or crime and bad behavior?



  16. Michelle Smiles
    July 2, 2010 4:02 pm

    It just needs the right spin. They don’t just suck. They are the BEST at sucking. They rock the suckitude. No one is better at being horrible.



  17. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    July 2, 2010 4:12 pm

    I know they suck, and probably will for a while, but…I just can’t seem to stop loving the boys who represent my city on the diamond. I was at a bar last night watching the game and since we’re playing the Phils, the game wasn’t blacked out. There was the continuous back and forth with Phils fans lamenting the fact that we only play each other six games a year and everyone talking about how hard it is to be a Pirates fan, but people stayed interested in the game. The place was full and when Dotel struck out Victorino, the place erupted in cheers! Let’s go Bucs!



  18. gunnlino
    July 2, 2010 5:28 pm

    That’s a photo of Larry King before the 9th wife and the suspenders, right? C’mon, don’t blow smoke at me, Larry King and Mike Douglas were band mates , right. Right?



  19. andrea
    July 2, 2010 5:37 pm

    I can’t believe you guys are bringing up Mike Douglas… my grandmother loved that show. I don’t admit to watching it (tells how old you are).

    We figured out that the suckos have to win at least 75% of their remaining games if they want to hit .500. Ginny, you might want to pack it in now.



  20. Jagoff
    July 2, 2010 5:43 pm

    I think Michelle just came up with the 2011 Pirates slogan: Rock the suckitude!



  21. Maggie K
    July 3, 2010 3:51 pm

    The Pirates don’t suck, they swallow….sorry, I thought it was funny



  22. HorseShoeBend
    July 4, 2010 8:57 pm

    Vote for Pedro (Napolean Dynamite)
    I wouldn’t burn that bandwagon just yet. The fun is just beginning. Forget about win/lose – that’s next year. This year is sort of like practice.



  23. LaReina
    July 6, 2010 3:42 pm

    I used to work for one of Mr. Nutting’s newspapers. Thanks to the family’s cheapness, the newspapers suck almost as much as the Buccos.