First, if you haven’t yet read my latest post over at Pittsburgh Magazine, it is all about what is now known as the Suckitude and about something Nutting said that is so off the wall bullshitty that I LITERALLY exploded. KABLOOEY! Arms flailing. Gums flapping. Teeth gnashing. Fists shaking. Ears smoking. KABLOOEY!
Now, after you read that, know that I haven’t yet loaded enough C-4 onto the bandwagon to send its exploded bits into orbit around Jupiter. I’m seriously thinking about it though. And I’m pretty sure I could rig it to do that since I watch so much Burn Notice. I think you just get some C-4 from the Buy More, put it in the trunk of the bandwagon with a cell phone stuck in it like a birthday candle, dial the C-4’s number and then KABLOOEY! At least that’s how it works on TV.
You and I aren’t the only ones frustrated with the Suckitude. Some “mentalist” called The Amazing Kreskin thinks he could perform some kind of magic mind-meld mentalist mojojuju on the Pirates that would allow them to win, but it will only work if Huntington and Russell are no longer part of team management.
Kreskin believes that once the undynamic duo departs, he could use the power of suggestion to fix the players’ collective funk. He says group sessions could convince the Bucs they’re not fated to dwell in the basement of the National League, victims of a culture of losing, and could rise to become champions, something they owe to fans in these troubled times.
Oh, the power of suggestion is all we need to negate 17 years of losing?! Fantastic.
Dear the Suckitude, I STRONGLY SUGGEST you start winning in a consistent, commanding fashion and that you do it soon, otherwise, I STRONGLY SUGGEST you take cover because this bandwagon is about to freak the shit out of the aliens on Jupiter when it starts raining fire on their planet.
Do you think the Amazing Kreskin could kindly suggest to the pigeons that they no longer want to live?