Yes. Okay. STAB.

Today, my internet died.

I tell you that partly so you understand why I didn’t post much today as we head into the long weekend, and I tell you that so that you can know THAT MY INTERNET DIED TODAY.

I woke up and automatically reached for my iTouch (HAHAH! Look at your faces! I called it an iTouch and there’s no such thing as an iTouch, and it really drives the Apple-geeks crazy when you say iTouch. iTouch iTouch iTouch!!!) and the little WiFi rainbow was there flexing its muscles all, “Feeling good and strong this morning. Wouldst madame like to check her tweets?”

And I said, “Yes, Omaro Cazares Amaya, madame wouldst.”

And I tried and it did not work.

I tried to check my mail and it did not work.

I had been awake for three minutes and I had not yet viewed something that can only be accessed via the World Wide Web. I started to shake a little as I got out of bed and ran to the desktop.

[click click click click click CLICK CLICK CLICK YOU MOTHERBLEEPER CLICK!] Nothing.

Tried the laptop. Nothing. I turned on the news to see if the world ended while I was sleeping. It hadn’t.

I stole broadband from a neighbor for three seconds like a junkie stealing a line of coke.

It felt good.

My husband then spent an hour on the phone with Verizon. Unplugging wires. Plugging in new wires in old places. Plugging in new wires in new places. Just really giving a nice molesting to the machine and the modem. He reset connections. Created new connections. Cleared some caches. Sacrificed a pigeon. I’m pretty sure at one point I heard him mutter in Spanish, “In the name of Jesus Christ, be GONE!”

Verizon then gave up, opened a ticket (which, HAHAH! A ticket! A one-way ticket to Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You Land), and my husband told me they said something about “interference.”

WHAT IS THIS?! FOOTBALL!?  FIX MY DAMN INTERNET!

I stole another minute of broadband to stop the shakes and the intense desire to call Verizon and tell them a senseless your mother insult like YOUR MOTHER RUNS INTERFERENCE, VERIZON!

I headed to my sister’s house to write a quick post, then returned home all [CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK DAMN YOU VERIZON CLICK CLICK EFF PUNCH STAB].

This was when I wondered if there was an 800 number for internet addiction like there is for gambling. “Yeah, hi, I’ve been without internet service for three hours now and I’m seriously thinking about punching my dog just to make myself feel better. Would you recommend I just drink myself stupid instead?”

Finally I called Verizon again at 4:00 p.m. because a test of the previously DOWN modem was telling me it was UP. Interference removed. But I still couldn’t access anything.

Internet, I then spent 1.5 hours on the phone with three different Verizon technical support persons, two of whom were clearly in India. Their accents were so thick and there was so much chaos in the background, I’m pretty sure they were playing biyara pong.

Technician: What is the model of your modem.

Me: Model 2200.

Technician: Yes. Okay. Is your wireless router attached to the modem?

Me: Not currently.

Technician: Yes. Okay. The wire that runs from your modem to the computer, please pull it out.

Me: From the computer or from the modem?

Technician: [pause] Yes. Okay.

Me: No. NO OKAY. Do you want me to remove it from the computer or from the modem or from both? Shall I do the hokey pokey? What?!

Technician: Yes. Okay. Do you see the yellow Verizon wire?

Me: No, I see a blue ethernet wire. Would you like to do something with that?

Technician: Yes. Okay. Take the yellow wire …

Me: I have no yellow wire. I have a blue ethernet wire.

Technician: Yes. Okay. What is the model of your modem?

Me: TWENTY TWO ZERO ZERO.

Technician: Yes. Okay. What wires do you have in your modem?

Me: Left to right. Blue ethernet. Black power wire. White phone wire.

Technician: Yes. Okay. Do you see the yellow Verizon wire?

Me: [STAB]

Technician: Yes. Okay.

People, it went on like that forever and I kept my cool. I did not raise my voice one time. I want a medal and a case of Zima.

That technician transferred me to another which asked me all the same questions before transferring me to another.

The last technician and I were like this:

Technician: Try this.

Me: Didn’t work.

Technician: That’s okay. Try this.

Me: Didn’t work.

Technician: That’s okay. Try this.

Me: Didn’t work.

Technician: That’s okay! Try this!

Me: DIDN’T WORK! DO I HEAR MONKEYS?!?

And on and on and on and I checked my house to see if I was on Candid Camera.

After flushing some stuff and resetting some stuff and showing my computer my boobs just in case it’s a boob-computer, I finally have Internet access again.

And that’s why I didn’t post much today.

I bet you tonight I have a dream that Satan flies out of my computer using a yellow “Verizon wire” to whip the pigeons pulling his wagon.

Yes. Okay.





37 Comments

  1. Tim Tender
    July 2, 2010 7:15 pm

    I know the feeling. We have Verizon at home and it works fine… until it doesn’t. We’ve done the song and dance with them and they told us that it was interference. They even did line tests to make sure it was all okay. While on the phone with them it actually went out too. Didn’t matter. Didn’t show up as a fail in 24-hour line test either. Verizons our only option in the boonies. I know that my phone interferes w/ the wifi but that wasn’t it. We still have problems from time to time. I know what you’re feeling!



  2. NoWayAmITelling
    July 2, 2010 7:18 pm

    Switch to Comcast. At least our customer service reps are not only NOT in India, they are right here in Pittsburgh.



  3. Cindy T.
    July 2, 2010 7:32 pm

    Had the exact same conversation with Verizon techs almost three years ago. Must be part of their training.



  4. Anna
    July 2, 2010 7:36 pm

    Verizon is constantly looking to cut costs and the only way they see to do that is to cut people. Immediate cost reduction for the company, shareholders are happy because they keep getting their dividends, customers become more and more dissatisfied with the service levels, customers finally switch to other service providers, company starts losing revenue, needs to cut more costs to keep the shareholders happy, downsizes more people (although they say “rightsizes”, as in “It’s the right thing to do for the business”)…..lather, rinse, repeat. Sad.



  5. KGC
    July 2, 2010 7:40 pm

    Verizon has the worst technical support.. evah. I have Verizon Business DSL and whenever I have a problem and call in.. it’s ALWAYS a problem on my end.. so they say. I’ve been at this DSL-thingy long enough to know how to troubleshoot before calling tech support… sometimes it appears they don’t believe me that I did some work before calling them. The most annoying feature of calling Verizon tech support? The sole use of “voice commands”! If you don’t say the “right” word or words, you’re SOL. Kiki-rist, give me number prompts.



  6. NewBurgher
    July 2, 2010 8:00 pm

    Wasn’t Comcast was one of the companies that actually wanted to purposefully *restrict* download speeds; until they heard from boatloads of customers that wasn’t such a great idea? I’ll pass on them too.

    Ginny, you didn’t say it, but I will – VERIZON SUCKS. I pay for 1-3 meg DSL and consistently get a meager speeds barely over 1; and that’s only after I was 5 seconds away from telling them to go where Satan lives because it was running so slow I couldn’t even stream a 2 minute news story. And that was after many repeat calls telling them I had a problem and never getting a solution.

    The final insult was when they finally agreed to send a tech to my house. I verified that I would be home all day. The day of the appointment they called to verify yet again I would be home. Then I received another call yet AGAIN asking if I’d be home. YES YES YES for God’s sakes I’ll be home! Then . . . you know it . . . I had to go pee, and the motherbleeper tech chose just then to call AGAiN to see if I was home and when I didn’t answer left me a message that he was canceling my appointment and I could call back to reschedule. At that point mu husband called them, as my head was about to explode. And someone came out two full weeks later and I got my crappy turtle speed working.

    But why did I just beat out this long comment on my Blackberry? That’s right, because my EFFING Verizon internet is NOT working again! Deep breath, 5 more months of this BS, and I’m telling them to go to he!! for real and switching.

    Everybody say it with me VERIZON SUCKS VERIZON SUCKS VERIZON SUCKS!!!!!!!



  7. jdp
    July 2, 2010 8:11 pm

    I feel so much better. I’ve been on a 3 day “Verizon sucks” rampage. I started to think maybe I was looney. But I “liked” ‘Verizon sucks’ on facebook and my friends had a party in the comments in my status. Now this post! Its not me. Its Verizon. YAY! too bad I’d have to quit my job, find a new one and relocate to be rid of them because I live in BFE with NO other options! I’d even do comcast and just fight with them. At least they can understand me!

    And guess what…I’m not even paying. I’m currently in 6 free months (til 7/15) then at the 19.99 plan. Do you know how much something has to suck before you can hate free? Thats how much Verizon sucks. I am seriously considering going back to that $60/month at&t thing that plugged in the side of my laptop like a thumb drive w/ antenna and just deal with it being out about 80% of the time because of location.

    When I am smarter than someone’s tech support its a sad sad day.

    maybe you’d like me to check your internet?



  8. Mama Moose
    July 2, 2010 8:41 pm

    I keep wanting to try Verizon’s FIOS, but I’ll stick with Comcast because their reps are here in Pittsburgh and speak, well, whatever it is that people from Pittsburgh speak.



  9. tim
    July 2, 2010 8:43 pm

    I suspect a conspiracy. One of your readers (who is a technogeek) messed with your wires to agitate you into writing another hilarious post. Sorry, no good advice from me, except keep writing :-)



  10. Jen
    July 2, 2010 9:12 pm

    Verizon calls us every day to ask us to upgrade to FIOS from DSL. Every day I tell them no because we are trying to sell our house and don’t want to mess with it and get stuck in some two-year contract. They call back. every. day. do not call list doesn’t work because we have a business relationship with them.

    The sad thing is, we’d upgrade to FIOS in a heartbeat if we were planning to stay in this house, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to be arguing with them over cancellation fees they conveniently forget to mention when trying to sell us the service.



  11. NewBurgher
    July 2, 2010 9:24 pm

    Mine is still not working, and I’m too tired to deal with those bstrds tonight. I’m still on the “free” DSL deal too, and yep, nothing says SUCK like it’s free and you’d pay to get rid of it. Thank God I have my cuddly Blackberry Bold 9700 (heart T-Mobile), so I can get somewhat of a www fix, and avoid the shakes :)



  12. Beatrice
    July 2, 2010 9:41 pm

    The internet “addiction” is weird. Ours was down last week and I could not wait to get to work just to check *everything*…PG, FB, and obviously, thatschurch. I almost forget what things were like before the web. And I’m old enough to remember.



  13. Beth
    July 2, 2010 10:15 pm

    You do NOT want me to get started on Verizon. I love my FIOS, but I have totally raised my voice with them. I have automatic payments set up and I actually had to call them and BEG them to take their money because they sent me a letter stating that I hadn’t made my payments!! I kid you not. They blamed my bank, claiming that they tried to process the payment, but it wouldn’t go through. My bank said they were insane, so I called back again (after having already spent an hour on the phone with them) and lost my shit. Then they deducted my payment twice. I was ready to blow something up. On the bright side, I haven’t had any other problems with it, unless you count the fact that the price has gone up 50% in the past two years. But I straight up told the customer service rep (who spoke English, btw), that she and all her colleagues sucked.
    See? I told you not to get me started.



  14. Virginia Hendricks
    July 2, 2010 10:25 pm

    I utterly detest Verizon’s customer support. Hate it. I finally got mad when the internet crashed while trying to buy Steelers tickets (honestly, Steelers tickets!!) and had my husband tell them to get their asses out here and fix it. I’m praying Fios goes through soon, but I’m not holding my breath.



  15. facie
    July 2, 2010 10:29 pm

    HI-larious post!

    I too have many “I hate Verizon” stories. Thanks to our most recent fight, I did get my bill down to $140 for FiOS HDTV (which I love), internet (which does not seem to be the crazy speed they claim), phone (which I hardly use, but since I have a kid and worry) and my cell phone. I hate to think I would go back to Comcast when my contract is up, because I hated them too. But Verizon’s customer service might actually be worse than Comcast.

    I get the internet addiction. A friend gave up FB for Lent. I think I would have burst into flames.



  16. mark
    July 2, 2010 11:00 pm

    I was on one of those calls one time. My wife was overhearing my frustration. Finally, I said to the rep, “May I please speak to someone in the United States?” I thought my wife would think that was funny. She didn’t.



  17. GoBobbo
    July 3, 2010 12:21 am

    *knocks on wood*

    Never had issues with Verizon. Now Comcast. OMFG, I want to punt fireworks through their friggin’ non-English speaking phone morons.



  18. Pittsburgh Tom
    July 3, 2010 7:12 am

    My internet went down last night and, as always, I have to convince Verizon that the problem is on their end. They are always like “there are no outages reported in your area.” and I respond “I’m reporting an outage in my area right now.”
    Worst part for me is the female automated voice they use til you get to the live person. Annoys the crap out of me. Also, I hate when the tech support person is obviously reading from a checklist, especially when I did everything on that checklist before I called.
    Only thing worse than Verizon tech support is calling Verizon about billing. The funny thing is, I’ve nothing but good things to say about Verizon Wireless customer support. I’ve thought about dropping dsl so I can go back to just dealing with them.



  19. CrashJK
    July 3, 2010 10:12 am

    Ok, well it had to be the boob flashing that fixed it…just sayin’…

    I’m so lucky we have Armstrong Cable, their equipment and tech support is AMAZING, helpful, prompt and well.. I love them (if they would carry the MLB channel, I’d marry them).

    Have a great Forth gang !

    and….Let’s GO BUCS !!!!



  20. Sooska
    July 3, 2010 11:05 am

    Gawd I could write an entire blog on my Verizon issues. I think they are trying to funnel everyone to FIOS- and it is reliable.

    Bottom line: the old Verizon DSL was fairly reliable but not great. The rest of the time I spent on the phone with their service techs who never did help me. I got help through the manufacturer of my wireless router who told me they have issues like this with Verizon all the time.

    About 8 years ago we had tried to switch to Verizon cell service but since I live in Churchill, that inaccessible, isolated, rural mountain community 8 miles from downtown Pittsburgh, we have no Verizon cell service. Despite the fact that 4 people in our house (plus numerous extended family members) had to switch to AT&T in order to make and receive cell service, Verizon continues to deny there is a problem with their service in the Churchill-Penn Hills area. No such problems with AT&T or Sprint. A real Verizon black hole.
    Tying up lose ends:
    Finally, last year, based on months and months of unresolved service issues with Comcast, I switched everything to FIOS. Service has been very good and reliable. HOWEVER, the FIOS installation team was unbelievably bad. It took them 2 days to figure out how to install it in my house when I refused to allow them to hang a wire 8 feet off the ground at a major access point -after that they were lost.

    It took 4 technicians and 3 – count them – THREE supervisors to come to my house in those 2 days. Each one of them asked me why they couldn’t make or hold a Verizon cell called made back to their offices. They asked ME why they couldn’t make a Verizon cell call. ME.



  21. Pherd
    July 3, 2010 11:30 am

    Verizon and AT&T are on my “Do Not Call” and ‘Do Not Do Business with” lists. We’re stuck with Verizon for landline phone service, but we use Credo for all the billable calls.

    I have DSL via Nauticom (now Consolidated) in the city, and it works fine. Hasn’t gone out except during a storm that caused HUGE widespread power outages, and once the link was back, I just had to reset my modem to get back online. This is in the city proper, but Consolidated isn’t in all areas of the city. YMMV.

    My partner has a comcast internet link, but it’s business class, so the couple of times it’s gone out, it gets priority for restoral (with business class service, there is a Service Level Agreement that they have to adhere to).

    If you’re using DSL – check into the other providers out there: Covad, Peer Networks, Roadrunner, etc. They’re using the verizon copper to get to your house, but the actual network function is all their equipment. Look up what’s available in your area via the website dslreports.com. (not affiliated, just appreciate the community effort).

    -ph



  22. Tracy
    July 3, 2010 12:34 pm

    Verizon customer service/tech support sucks. As soon as my 52 year contract is up, I’m going back to Comcast. They want to charge me $100 to come out to the house to fix an issue with a land line phone that they never installed correctly and then just left my house knowing it was not hooked up. Already dropped them from cell phone service and went with AT & T.



  23. Tracy
    July 3, 2010 12:43 pm

    I also need to mention, that a supervisor actually called my husband a day after he had a heated conversation with a rep about our land line. She didn’t want to follow up on how she could handle OUR problem, she stated, “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you that you refrain from cursing at our representatives when you call in.” Needless to say, he told her what she could do with herself before he hung up on her.



  24. bucdaddy
    July 3, 2010 1:02 pm

    We have Verizon for landline/long distance (Mrs. Daddy works at home and is on the phone a LOT, so …), Comcast for internet and cable, and US Cellular for cell ohones. Maybe I’m just lucky, or maybe it’s because Mrs. Daddy handles most of the tech problems since they’re her babies, but I really dont have any customer tech service horror stories.

    Ah, but wait. Verizon just abandoned my part of West Virginia (if not the whole state) and left us with Frontier. For all your Verizon nightmares, if you can imagine, people here were fighting to KEEP Verizon, because we’re hearing Frontier is far worse.

    Pray for us.



  25. bucdaddy
    July 3, 2010 1:04 pm

    *–phones



  26. Matt
    July 3, 2010 1:55 pm

    As another old-timer from the pre-Reagan era, I can tell you that this is why the antitrust laws were invented. But I was intrigued by your boob-flashing approach (from a purely technical standpoint), so I tried it. The computer vomited all over my classic leather bound version of the Sherman Antitrust Act.



  27. Maggie K
    July 3, 2010 3:47 pm

    Hahahaha, I’m in the administrative part of our great healthcare system and United Healthcare uses India for their customer service…the funniest thing is they all have American names, like Dan, Daisy, Anna, etc. We always joke that they have female & male names hat and they pull a name out of the hat and that’s their name for the day. BTW, Anna couldn’t even pronounce her name correctly, I had to ask he to spell it for me….



  28. matt pritt
    July 3, 2010 5:01 pm

    If it helps, I have Nerd Herd T shirt you can borrow.



  29. Carol
    July 3, 2010 5:06 pm

    As of this Thursday, I’ll be switching from Comcast to Verizon FIOS.
    This story did not make me feel good about that.

    However, my past experiences with customer support who appear to be overseas has led me to say “I’m sorry, I can’t understand what you’re saying” repeatedly, until I get an English-speaking person.
    Sad, but saves time in the long run, I think.



  30. Matt
    July 4, 2010 8:41 am

    Verizon has such horrible customer service that I paid an early termination fee to get away from them. As soon as something goes wrong, you understand why Verizon is evil.



  31. lisa
    July 4, 2010 11:16 am

    When our Verizon DSL goes out, we turn the wireless router off for 30 seconds then turn it back on. That works 99 percent of the time. Had to figure it out on our own tho…no one could explain why the service goes out every so often. But we only started having trouble when we got new neighbors whose signal we also pick up…hmmmm..coincidence..I think not.



  32. Ginny's Dad
    July 5, 2010 8:27 am

    I’ve had Comcast for several years and no significant internet problems. But I am almost hesitant to post this because some VP from Comcast will see it and decide it’s time to increase their rates.



  33. Shibori
    July 5, 2010 1:07 pm

    I have 5 (five!) non-functioning verizon DSL wireless routers in my closet, each of which overheated and stopped working in exactly the same way, each time with Verizon denying any problem with that type of router. One even discolored the bookshelf in my house where it sat because it got so hot.

    I kept track, and at one point had over 180 calls to their DSL tech support in a 2 year period over two different apartments. My favorite was fighting with their tech support for two straight weeks as they denied any problem on their end, insisting that my modem was working, only to find out that my service had been cut off at the beginning (they shut off service at my new location and left on service at my old location). Yet tech support continued to insist their service was fine and working, even though it wasn’t even turned on! Of course, they never gave me the promised credit for those two weeks without service.

    Nothing makes me stabbier than the mention of Verizon’s DSL tech support. What I wonder, is I paid $14.95 a month for that service, about $350 total. How much did 180+ customer service calls cost them? How are they still in business?



  34. Great Scot
    July 5, 2010 10:02 pm

    Hmmm, at a time when I’m considering my options on my provider, reading all of this makes me want to stick to my dial up connection.



  35. Mr. McCock
    July 6, 2010 10:22 am

    After my flight was canceled at BWI, the USAir rep in India tried solving the problem by recommending I catch a flight out of Washington Dulles, scheduled to depart in 20 minutes. Comforting…



  36. Stew Pidhead
    July 6, 2010 11:18 am

    Showing your boobs to the computer finally fixed it, never underestimate the power of boobs.



  37. burghgal
    July 6, 2010 3:22 pm

    welcome to the corporate world.. everything is offshore.

    I spend most of may days saying “what? can you repeat that?”