A raging case of wolf fever.

This screencap is not of two girls watching the Berlin Wall fall, or two girls reunited after being separated at sea, or two girls who won the PowerBall or two girls whose dog came home.

This is a screencap of two girls who just laid eyes on Taylor Lautner at the theater at the Waterfront during a screening of Twilight’s Total Eclipse of the Breaking Dawn Sparkle Moon, I believe it’s called.

I have never looked like that in my life, and I can pretty much guarantee you the only time I will grab a friend or sister and hug her like that in the REST of my life is if I hear Zima is back in production, or that all the pigeons were eradicated, or that there is finally a clear winner in the Kindle versus Nook debate. The closest I have ever come to that is when the Penguins won the Stanley Cup two years ago last year.

You can watch a video here. If that’s how girls act when the wolf shows up, I gotta wonder if the sparkly brooding vampire had shown up, would he have blinked and then found himself looking at an entire audience of women frantically ripping their clothes off?

As you know, Burghers, I never got into the Twilight craze. I read the first book, thought it acceptable, and had no desire to read another.

As you also know, Princess Aurora and my mother LOVE Twilight.

The other day, I was at my mother’s house with Pens Fan and our kids, who were sliding down the Banzai slide (BANZAI, DANIELSAN!) while us adults sat in the shade. I brought a book with me, THIS BOOK, to be exact.

When I headed into the house to hunt down a cool refreshing beverage, I returned to find my mother holding my book in her hands, the cover facing me, her fingers drumming on it, and a look on her face that clearly said, “BUSTED,” as if she caught me with a stack of Playgirl magazines.

“Is this your book?”

“Yeah, so?”

“I thought you weren’t into vampires,” she said accusingly and really, quite victoriously. I think I also saw some smugness.

“Mother. It’s a hilarious book about a hairless vampire cat that feeds on people, in fact, it just ate a meter maid; it’s not a melodramatic angsty book about a sparkly, creepy 100-year-old vampire who breaks into a 17-year-old girl’s bedroom at night and SUPER CREEPILY watches her sleep.”




“What. Ever.”

Pretty sure I won that argument.


  1. jmarinara
    July 5, 2010 10:35 am

    My brother and I might have, MAYBE, kinda sorta looked like that when Sid scored the first penguin goal in game 3 of the 2008 finals. (We were there)


    But that’s a horse of a different color.

  2. Beth P
    July 5, 2010 10:44 am

    You absolutely won. Vampires don’t sparkle. Period.

  3. Tammy21
    July 5, 2010 10:53 am

    Men who sparkle just are not that into girls! oh and it was a Year ago that the Pens won the Lord Stanley!

  4. Orkoskey
    July 5, 2010 11:03 am

    Christopher Moore could maybe make me hug someone like that but it wouldn’t be because of how “hot” the characters are but how pee-your-pants-funny he is.

    Did you read You Suck and Blood Sucking Fiends first? I read them out of order and they were still really great.

    My favorite C.M book is A Dirty Job which I highly recommend.

  5. Captain Shrimptaco
    July 5, 2010 11:20 am

    That looks suspiciously close to how Teh Butler embraced me after the Pens won the Cup.

    Or maybe it was the other way around.

  6. ErinPatricia
    July 5, 2010 12:28 pm

    Christopher Moore is light years better than Stephenie Meyer.

  7. SpudMom
    July 5, 2010 12:58 pm

    I will forever hate Stephanie Meyer for ruining the word “chagrin.” It’s such a good word and she beat it like a dead damn horse.

    And the writing is soooooo poor in those books, I couldn’t get past the first 10 pages.

    In essence, Twilight sucks and Edward is a big fat controlling, narcissistic, (dare I say) abusive doody head.

  8. unsatisfied
    July 5, 2010 1:20 pm

    well, you could have gotten away with ” The closest I have ever come to that is when the Penguins won the Stanley Cup two SEASONS ago.”

    just sayin’….

    anyhoo, just damn glad that my fiancee didn’t suck me into having to see this one. if I want vampires, I go and watch the hawt, ripyourheadoff ones on “true blood”…..

  9. Magnus Patris
    July 5, 2010 1:58 pm

    I don’t know what the big deal is, woman do that kind of stuff every time I walk into a room. Well, there’s lots of some kind of shrieking and “Oh God, No!”‘s and stuff like that. Hmmmm. On second thought, maybe it’s not the same. Oh and Nosferatu is the only scary vampire, the rest are posers.

  10. Magnus Patris
    July 5, 2010 2:05 pm

    Here’s a REAL vampire story: http://www.nbc11news.com/11today/headlines/97293489.html
    The best part about it is the last line, “Police report finding no evidence of the vampire.” And the anchor says it so matter-of-factly.

  11. Summer
    July 5, 2010 3:44 pm

    You should have seen my husband’s face when I told him Twilight vampires couldn’t go outside during the daytime because they sparkle. Priceless.

  12. Butcher's Dog
    July 5, 2010 4:33 pm

    Scary is as scary does. Check out the 1931-ish Frankenstein. Our grandparents (OK, MY grandparents, maybe some of your great-grandparents) were literally wetting themselves when the Creature is first seen. Show it to a group of kids in class now and they laugh. Of course, they had to cut him throwing the little girl into the river because it was too intense for their audiences. So times change. Or something. Only the Suckitude goes on forever.

    And I’ve seen two girls hug like that when a cast list went up and they discovered they’d each gotten the exact perfect for them part they’d wanted. But that only lasted until rehearsal started.

  13. Still A Fan
    July 5, 2010 5:48 pm

    i’ll stick with anne rice thank you very much

  14. bucdaddy
    July 6, 2010 12:05 am

    Your MOTHER?



    Just finished “You Suck,” which is fairly good. I hope no one ruins Moore by turning his books into movies.

  15. Lisa J
    July 6, 2010 8:05 am

    I finally watched the first Twilight movie over the weekend. I wanted to see what the big deal is. The only conclusion I came to is this: vampires + sunlight = glitter??? WTF kind of vampires are these? They’re supposed to burst into flames or something. Not sparkle. And I like sparkle, but not on men. Straight men should NEVER sparkle.

  16. Erin
    July 6, 2010 9:13 am

    Don’t those women look a little old to be that excited about Taylor Lautner?

  17. Monty
    July 6, 2010 9:17 am

    There are only two vampires that could ever get me that excited. One taught me to count, and the other fills my cereal bowl with an explosion of delicous flavor.

  18. Noelle
    July 6, 2010 9:19 am

    AMEN Erin. That is so wrong.

  19. TripleC
    July 6, 2010 9:31 am

    Dear Two Girls in Blue Shirts,

    Please get a life.


  20. unsatisfied
    July 6, 2010 9:39 am

    personally, I like the 2 chicks in the background, all “whoopdeef-ingdoo”….

  21. Legallypgh(Kathy)
    July 6, 2010 10:05 am

    You should see the behavior of the women — yes women, not girls — trying to get to see him where is living in Pittsburgh.. Pathetic! But very amusing!

  22. gabe
    July 6, 2010 10:14 am

    Christopher Moore’s other books are just as entertaining. That was the one that got me hooked on him.

    eclipse is lame.

  23. Kathy
    July 6, 2010 10:29 am

    WT EFee. One, why are we encouraging girls to read books about a f’ed up girl that is so lonely she’s willing to DIE to be with a guy that tells her to go away. That’s healthy. Two, those are women, not girls, so they ought to know better. Three, I think the last time WOMEN hugged like that, they announced victory in Europe.

  24. Alethea
    July 6, 2010 11:48 am

    Christopher Moore rocks. If you have a sense of humor about religion, read Lamb.

    I just don’t get the Twilight hype.

  25. red pen mama
    July 6, 2010 1:23 pm

    That book sounds almost like satire. Is it? While I hated the Twilight book (and won’t read the others, or watch the movies), I love almost everything else vampiric. Right now, I’m a big fan of the Sookie Stackhouse novels, and looking to get my hands on some True Blood DVDs. So I am hardly above the fray when it comes to popular literature. But Twilight did more than leave me cold — I really hated it.

  26. Bitter
    July 6, 2010 2:25 pm

    Here, here Monty!

    Taylor Lautner is hot though :)

  27. LaReina
    July 6, 2010 3:44 pm

    I looked like that the last time the Steelers won the Super Bowl. “Twilight” fans sink to new depths of idiocy.

  28. Trish
    July 6, 2010 8:32 pm

    I am embarrassed to admit that I was suckered into seeing the first two “Twilight” movies thanks to friends, a/k/a women who should know better, who are all into them because of perceived hot actors.

    (I will also pause here to admit I read the books. Trust me, I regret those hours lost to sparkly emotionally abusive vampires and mopey teenage girls as much as you do, but I digress)

    First movie–went with two friends, one a Twitard, the other, like me, looking for some comic relief. When the sun first hit Edward and the sparkling began, Twitard Friend sighed dreamily–it was like her fourth or fifth time seeing it. Comic Relief Friend and I were literally rolling on the gum-covered floor crying with laughter. At that time it was the hardest I’d ever laughed in a movie and was worth every dirty look from the Twitards I got.

    Then the second one came out. I went with Comic Relief Friend. Really awful, slow beginning. CRF and I seriously discussed bailing, it was that bad. Then out came Taylor Lautner sans shirt. With the exception of CRF and myself every female in the theater screamed, bounced, hugged each other, and I’m pretty sure some cried. When things settled down, a male voice came out of the darkness.

    “Easy, cougars.”

    We had to leave because both of us were on the verge of losing bladder control because we were laughing so hard. We each sat in a stall in the ladies’ room and just roared. To this day whenever I see Taylor Lautner I hear “easy, cougars” and I giggle.

  29. SpudMom
    July 6, 2010 9:46 pm

    @Trish – EPIC WIN.

  30. Tina
    July 7, 2010 7:22 am


    “Easy, cougars.”

    OH MY GOD! That will KILL me now every time I’ll see (accidently since I do not go watching Twilight movies) T.L. appearing on screen. *BURST OUT LAUGHING*

  31. Mike
    July 7, 2010 8:50 am

    I’ll echo everyone’s comments about Christopher Moore, he really is fantastic! Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story, and You Suck come before this, and A Dirty Job has a nice crossover scene that was all kinds of confusing with You Suck, but I have to recommend Lamb, it’s one of my all time favorites, I read it every year!

  32. Allie K.
    July 9, 2010 9:51 pm

    RT: @orkoskey:
    YES. Absolutely freaking hilarious. Love.
    Be sure to check out the Stupidest Angel too (it’s a christmas story, but awesome anytime of the year, and one of my favorites :C)

  33. Orkoskey
    July 9, 2010 10:41 pm

    yeah – stupidest angel is awesome.

    I just finished Bite Me – one of his best and a great (possible) ending to those books. I hope he reuses some of those characters in future stories though I could do without Kona (just because he’s hard for me to read).