One of the things I wanted to write about last week before my Internet died and I declared war on India (SHOCK AND AWE!) was a little gem found in the latest copy of ESPN Magazine which I would just like to once again remind you that I subscribed to ONLY so I could show you Casey Hampton’s gaping maw of a belly button.
Back to the little gem … the issue was all about number ones. The best. Tops. Can’t get any higher.
The issue included The Ranking List, which grades every team in football, baseball, hockey, and basketball, across eight categories — affordability, bang for the buck, coaching, fan relations, ownership, players, stadium experience, and title track. The Pittsburgh Penguins came in at number five, just below the New Orleans Saints, the Orlando Magic, the LA Angels, and the Colts.
As an aside, does anyone else have a love/hate relationship with Peyton Manning? I hate him as a football player with his red-faced bitchy whining and arm-flapping, but he cracks my shit up as a commercial actor and makes me want to have a beer with him.
I apologize for the meandering path of this post.
The reason the Penguins are so high on the list is because A. they rock and B. they are the highest ranked professional sports team in the “fan relations” category.
That is church.
That is so much church. That is church with the little fat ladies wearing hats and waving handkerchiefs and shouting AMEN! while sweating through their Sunday best. That is church with a rocking choir and a screaming preacher all, “MINE EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY! CAN I GET AN AMEN?!”
Especially in the last few years, the Penguins have completely ruled the world in making their fans feel loved. Players delivering season tickets to fans’ doors. Season ticket holders getting to have their Christmas pictures taken on the ice. The giant Trib Tron camaraderie. Twitter ticket contests. Jordan Staal showing up unexpectedly to take me to lunch … in Paris.
I might have pretended that last one. [sigh] [SLAP!]
Hell, THEY LET THE FANS FLUSH THEIR TOILETS! That’s love.
Now, to answer your question, the Steelers are at number 28 and the Pirates are number 82 on the list of 122.
I’m not going to lie to you. I swear on the last Zima in America that I didn’t even think the Pirates would be on the list, because I thought that in order to quantify just how miserable the Buccos perform in the ownership, coaching, and “title track” categories, ESPN statiticians would have had to invent new numbers.
Like negative doomity suckiteen.
Can I get an amen?
P.S. Any other ladies out there can’t take their eyes off of that one section of Sid’s thigh up in that picture? Anyone? Anyone? Can I get an amen?!