Mad. We’ve all gone mad.

It’s hot these days in Pittsburgh.

I love it.

94 degrees today and the A/C in my car is dead. I drive around in 94 heat with my windows down, letting the nice soupy air blow in my face, scalding my lung tissue.

Today, I swear, my kneecaps were sweating.

I love it. I’m hoping the pigeons start bursting into flames soon.

It’s not Arizona, Vegas or Baghdad where it’s 125 degrees every day. It’s only ninety three measly degrees.

I love it.

Because it is not snowmageddon. It is not five feet of snow. It is not a tiny bit cold. No chill. No fresh breeze. Just stagnant, hot, smelly, humid air.

I love it.

Ask me again in August, but right now, I love it.

I will however admit that the heat has apparently driven everyone at the Post-Gazette absolutely mad.

Proof #1:

They had a reporter cover the story of a kitten being rescued from a storm sewer in South Park.

One very small, very frightened kitten was rescued from a storm sewer in South Park today after more than four hours of effort by three animal-loving residents, four professional plumbers, municipal public works employees, an animal control officer and the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation.

God, I hope they then tried to interview the kitten. Maybe they did. How else did they know he was “frightened?”

“When the plumber was calling your name trying to coax you out, why didn’t you just come?”

“Meow meow merl meow nom meow hiss.” Which translates roughly to, “First, my name is not ‘Kitty’; it’s Joe, and also, I’m a cat. I don’t ‘come when called.'”

“What was going through your mind during your ordeal?”

“Meow meow merl murl meow meow hiss [lick] meow mew.” Which translates to, “I tell you, that was some frightening shit.”

Proof #2 that everyone at the P-G has lost their everlovin’ minds:

A suggestion under THIS headline:

Is this:

That’s right, Burghers. The Post-Gazette just told us girls to put our bras and panties in the freezer for eight hours before wearing them. And tomorrow morning all the ladies in the Burgh are going to be walking around with some VERY cold privates and some VERY perky breasticle regions (tm mindbling).

Are you feeling left out, boys? Don’t! Because the Post-Gazette has a suggestion for YOU!

What’s less than underwear, you ask? Well, I got out my calculator and did the math and I found out that the answer is NAKED!

Hey, someone stop by the Post-Gazette in the morning and let me know if they really have gone mad. You’ll know by all the pointy boobies and rampant nakedness.





40 Comments

  1. Silica
    July 7, 2010 9:33 pm

    On the hottest days of the summer, I put a frozen wet washcloth on the back of my neck when I go to sleep. It’s not a bad suggestion. The only problem is that the cold doesn’t last long enough!

    But at the same time, if you give yourself enough time to get used to it, even 85 feels nice and cool after a day in the 90s. I almost like that I don’t spend all day, every day in air conditioning – I don’t feel like keeling over the minute I walk outside.



  2. Bram R
    July 7, 2010 9:38 pm

    Alright, I bought some and put ’em in the fridge. What now?



  3. spoon
    July 7, 2010 9:44 pm

    you now Bram probably has plastic on his couch. I wanna know how thats working out while waiting for the gutchies to cool in the freezer



  4. Matt
    July 7, 2010 10:03 pm

    i, for one, hate hate hate this heat. i want there to be 10 feet of snow again, right now.



  5. Virginia
    July 7, 2010 10:07 pm

    Matt,

    To quote David Conrad in a fake thing he said in a fake conversation in my head one time, “Forsooth. Shut your whore mouth.”

    Ten feet of snow again, right now, is my hell.

    ;)



  6. facie
    July 7, 2010 10:13 pm

    If I wanted to live in the heat, I would move to Houston or Raleigh, where my brothers live and keep begging me to move. But for the love of Pete, it is just as hot here now.

    I agree with Silica; in a couple of days, the 80s are going to feel great. Now off to the freezer!



  7. DG
    July 7, 2010 10:13 pm

    I am 100% with you, and walk down the radiating downtown streets, even at midday, with a smile, and say to at least one unsuspecting stranger, “Hey, at least it’s not snow!”



  8. Scott
    July 7, 2010 10:14 pm

    The first sentence in comment #7 is quite possibly one of the greatest phrases in the history of ever. I plan on using it as my new catchphrase this summer.



  9. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    July 7, 2010 10:21 pm

    I’ve done the PJ’s and pillow cases in the freezer. My parents still don’t have AC in the house I grew up in (not even a window unit) and my older sister and I shared the attic bedroom. The house is on a hill, with no shade in sight. We’d go through three to four box fans a summer. Every morning we’d take our pj’s and pillow cases to the basement fridge (which was next to the Pittsburgh potty) and every night before bed we’d go get them. It did make it easier to sleep. Never did the bras and panties, though, but it is something my grandma mentioned yesterday.



  10. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    July 7, 2010 10:24 pm

    Also, KDKA ran with the kitten story on their evening news, too, so it’s not just the PG going crazy. They had about 45 seconds of video.



  11. Pa-pop
    July 8, 2010 1:49 am

    Bradshaw’s been spending a lot of time in his “naked room” this week, I’ll bet.



  12. johnaz6312
    July 8, 2010 7:41 am

    Take it from me,as I live out here in Phoenix,We havn’t hit 125 degrees YET, but 105 to 112 degrees is par for the course lately.

    By the way we are in the middle of monsoon season right now. Meaning we are supposed to get rain. Nope,so far, not a drop!!!

    Its 430am right now.must be close to 90 right now!! Only 2 1/2 more months of this!! Yea!!



  13. Elle C.
    July 8, 2010 7:57 am

    laughing at the kitten talk translations. i think the PG hired “meow meow” Henrietta Pussycat to interview that kitten.



  14. Dan (Not Onarato)
    July 8, 2010 8:04 am

    @ 9. DG I think if you do that, youll get punched in the pills



  15. Cassie
    July 8, 2010 8:16 am

    I will be happy when it’s 68-72 degrees daily. And in this world, it only rains at night and all the trees are pink.



  16. Schuyler
    July 8, 2010 8:33 am

    I have a friend in town who used to live here and now lives in Phoenix. We always joke about which is worse: 90 and humid or 105 with no humidity. He forgot was humid was like, apparently, because he is dying this week and would gladly take his 110 degree DRY HEAT back. From 10 feet of snow to a bijilion degrees … ‘Burgers are a tough group!



  17. M
    July 8, 2010 8:34 am

    Even Snowmageddon wasn’t that cold. I found myself wishing for zero degree temps yesterday and vowed to myself that if it could happen I wouldn’t even wear a coat outside.



  18. Me
    July 8, 2010 8:37 am

    I would so seriously rather shovel than cut grass in this stinking heat. My personal hell would be living in Florida and right now it feels like I’m there. Hate it, hate it hate it!



  19. bucdaddy
    July 8, 2010 9:12 am

    pointy boobies and rampant nakedness

    Just the PG’s nefarious plan to increase the number of Pittsburghers/subscriptions.

    Anyhoo, I’ll be in my bunk.



  20. MentalFloss
    July 8, 2010 9:31 am

    HA! Breasticles is a commonly used word among my family members, so I laughed out loud when I saw it in print here. Another you might like, for those who are more generously endowed … boobarea and boobacre for those who are REALLY lucky! Me thinks that keeping ones bra in the freezer is sure to give you breasticles that are more like popsicles! Here comes the cold front fellow Burghers!



  21. TripleC
    July 8, 2010 9:52 am

    Some days there just isn’t much of a difference between the PPG and The Onion.



  22. bucdaddy
    July 8, 2010 9:59 am

    spoon,

    I thought Mrs. Daddy was the only one who called them gutchies. I’d ask if that’s Pittsburghese but I grew up 15 miles from Pittsburgh and never heard the word until we married and she started laundering mine.



  23. Pingback: That's Church » Virginia Montanez, Pittsburgh PD, Operations Namer

  24. Suburban Nor'Side Girl
    July 8, 2010 10:45 am

    Well, OK, maybe they’re not really “newsworthy” stories, but every once in a while isn’t it nice to read something other than murder, mayhem and attempted/successful child kidnappings?



  25. toni
    July 8, 2010 10:48 am

    I don’t know if it’s Pittsburghese or not but gutchies was a common term in my house growing up…and I’m a native Burgher.



  26. Carpetbagger
    July 8, 2010 10:56 am

    I don’t want the deep freeze or the summer microwave. Whatever happened to the summers in the 70s and 80s with a cool breeze at night? Or did I just go to Seattle in my imagination?



  27. hello haha narf
    July 8, 2010 11:15 am

    i didn’t complain once during snowmageddon 2010, which gives me the right to say, “oh my fuck is it hot, please make it stop. pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease make it cooler than the inside of a blast furnace. whaaaa.”

    at the risk of you throwing dead pigeons at me, i will tell you that i loved all of that cold and snow with as much passion as i hate this heat. fortunately both extremes make the post gazette lose their ever lovin minds.



  28. Sooska
    July 8, 2010 11:39 am

    suck it all you snow lovers, fall and spring lovers. it’s summer. get over it. you had your turn. it’s my turn.



  29. 7000th Nerd Girl
    July 8, 2010 11:59 am

    Soooo… next winter, the City will need to form Operation Liar Liar Pants on Fire, after the PG recommends putting your clothes in the oven overnight.

    (I did notice the gender specificity in the original article. Kind of creeped me out.)



  30. gunnlino
    July 8, 2010 12:43 pm

    I view this as the same as the bathroom tissue debate ( over or under ).



  31. Joe K.
    July 8, 2010 12:49 pm

    Generally, I like seasonal weather, so give me cold winters and hot summers. That’s what’s good about the weather here, you get a little bit of everything.

    To quote “Sensitive Poetry by JT” from the ‘DVE morning show:

    It’s hot, it’s hot
    It’s hot as hell I say
    Hotter than the engine
    In my Chevrolet



  32. Ed
    July 8, 2010 1:16 pm

    As Schuyler (#18) implied, its not the heat, its the humidity.

    Also the friggin’ heat.



  33. Julie_Gong
    July 8, 2010 3:59 pm

    what lady doesn’t love cold bits? it’s actually my favorite after work ritual… putting frozen underware and bras on. really takes the edge off.



  34. unsatisfied
    July 8, 2010 4:50 pm

    @ joe k — I’mmokillya….



  35. JenOH
    July 8, 2010 6:17 pm

    I LOVE the heat!! Those days a week or two ago where it was hovering around 70 — yeah, I was cold. If I could have my wish, the temperatures would always be in the 90’s and everyone would just wear bathing suits all the time!!



  36. johnaz6312
    July 8, 2010 10:55 pm

    I think I mentioned that it will be well over 100 degrees during the day for the next 2 1/2 months. I mean thats non stop. No break.Day to freaking day. You have to be a tough individual to indure that. I’ve been out here 11 years now. And still no rain. Last rain we got was January. Or was it February?



  37. L-A
    July 9, 2010 8:31 am

    thanks for starting my friday off with a laugh. that was great.



  38. TK
    July 9, 2010 10:50 am

    “The Post-Gazette just told us girls to put our bras and panties in the freezer for eight hours before wearing them.”

    Isn’t this what 13 year old girls do to some poor girl who falls asleep first at a slumber party? What slumber party with 13 year old girls did the reporter get the idea from?