How my mornings go when my children are home and I’m trying to write.
Me: [typing] T-o-d-a-y —
Me: CUT IT OUT OR I WILL THROW ALL OF YOUR LEGOS AWAY! I–w-e-n-t– t-o
Phone: RING RING RING
Me: Eff. Hello? No. Yes. No. Tomorrow. Bye. — t-h-e– A-v-i
Dog: WHINE WHINE MUST PEE WHINE WHINE WHINE
Me: Eff. [get up to let the dog out] [return to chair] -a-r-y-.– I-t
Dog: WHINE WHINE WHINE IT IS HOT OUT HERE LET ME IN WHINE WHINE I CAN DO THIS UNTIL THE NEIGHBORS GET ANGRY WHINE WHINE CRY SCRATCH. WAIT ANY LONGER AND I SWEAR I WILL PUKE IN YOUR SHOES WHEN I GET BACK IN THERE. WHINE.
Me: Eff. [get up to let the dog back in] [return to chair] [realize coffee is now cold] [heat up coffee] [return to chair] –w-a-s–o-n-e–o-f–
Child: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP IT!!!!!!!
Me: I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROU– I MEAN, STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER! –t-h-e–m-o-s-t
Dog: PUKE. I WASN’T JOKING, LADY.
I am not even exaggerating. This is why I’m nine days past deadline for my magazine column, why it took me three hours to write my latest magazine post and why I STILL haven’t finished my latest Random n’at post.
So this morning when I went to Target and saw the workers putting up shelves and shelves of school supplies?