Burghers, brace yourselves.
Some of them will be girls.
I’m assuming that half of you just went, “HELL YEAH!” and high-fived yourself in your cubicle and then toasted other officemates with lukewarm cups of Starbucks.
I’m assuming the other half of you just went, “WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ CHEERLEADERS!”
The Pittsburgh Penguins will introduce a skating “Ice Crew” for the 2010-11 season – a team of energetic girls and guys who will help clean the ice, interact with fans and take part in other promotional activities.
Putting the crew on skates will add a new level of excitement to the Penguins’ game presentation as the team enters a new era at CONSOL Energy Center.
So, you guys remember how I spent that game searching for ways I could be hired to attend Penguins games?
And do you guys also remember that one time I wrote on OMG Pittsburgh! about how much I rule at sucking at ice skating?
I love to ice skate except for the fact that I cannot ice skate.
Every year I accidentally (wink!) watch some ice skating on TV and become convinced that I must have a natural ability to glide effortlessly on ice and perhaps even whip out a double axel or two. How hard can it be? It’s just a swish swish toepick spin spin land “ta-da!” Cake.
So I go ice skating with either family and friends and each time I am convinced that the little nuggets of ice skating awesomeness that have lay dormant for three decades are going to burst out singing the Ice Castles theme all, “Bam! There you go. Work it, girl. Show that Kristy Yamaguchi bitch how it’s done.”
“Nuggets of Ice Skating Awesomeness activate!”
But instead of suddenly whipping around the rink to the sweeping sounds of Please, don’t let this feeling end/it’s everything I am/everything I want to be, while others stop skating to look on and marvel, “My God. Look at her. I think I see stardust shooting out of her fingertips,” my soundtrack goes more like [scratch scratch scrape] OW! Bam! Crash! Ka Pow! Someone call 911. There’s blood! Woo-wee-woo-wee-woo-wee. Ma’am. Can you hear me? Why the hell did you launch yourself headfirst into the cold hard ice and then choose to break your fall with your nose?
Since I’ll never be on the Ice Crew for my skating prowess, I have another idea.
Do you agree with me, Burghers, that it is boring watching hot, young, tight-butted girls and guys skate around showing us all just how tight their hot young butts are? Isn’t that what we have Smuckers Stars on Ice for?
If it’s excitement and entertainment the Penguins are looking for, what they need is the slapstick antics that come from putting people like me on the ice. You know, moms who can’t skate and who instead of doing ice crew duties spend their ice time crawling precariously over the frozen surface to reach the now-empty Penguins bench where they’ll try to lick the spot that previously housed Evgeni Malkin’s butt?
Or, imagine the entertainment that would result when one of those ice crew moms who can’t skate tries to steal hockey equipment from the bench and then attempts to escape security while flipping and flailing all over the ice like a just-born horse. Hockey magic.
All stalking jokes aside, here are some other fantastic reasons the new crew should be called the Ice Moms:
- Moms do a hell of a job at cleaning up blood and puke without batting an eyelash or holding back a dry heave, and therefore the Ice Moms could be used to do the little body fluid cleanup jobs in between Zamboni runs.
- For a mom, a hat trick cleanup is nothing more than a quick redding up of a teenager’s room. We’ll even Febreeze that shit.
- Moms are used to driving huge unwieldy conveyances while being surrounded by noise and chaos. We could take over Zamboni duties and do it with one hand while sucking down a coffee in the other and we’ll write, “We love you, Mario” on the ice.
- Anyone throws an octopus on the ice, we’ll make a quick, delicious ceviche and serve it in the Igloo Club.
- Moms are good at enforcing time outs for misbehaving children. Put us in the penalty box and we’ll guilt the player into behaving better from now on. Then we’ll gently pat them on the bum when their time is up.
- Moms are used to keeping order. We’ll take care of any rowdy fan with the simple use of a threatening expression, a pointed finger, and a mouthed, “Just wait until your father gets home.” Works every time.
- Moms don’t take no crap from nobody when kids are involved, and we would rain hell down on any opposing player that dared hurt our Penguin babies. [crash] [bam] [punch] SHIT. HERE COME THE ICE MOMS AND THEY HAVE STICKS.
And we’ll look pretty damn hot while doing it.
What say you, Mario?