Does anyone know where I can find Mike Florio because clearly he is requesting a kick in the junk, and I’d like to be the one to give it to him for broadcasting this complete non-story on NBC Sports’ Pro Football Talk:
As the rumor goes (and it’s spreading quickly), Roethlisberger was golfing in Columbus, Ohio, and he urinated on the course. Though it’s not an uncommon event (I guess I can admit to it now since I haven’t golfed in at least 14 years, which likely exceeds all applicable statutes of limitation), the complicating factor in this case arose from the fact (supposedly) that a woman witnessed the incident, that she complained about it, and that she now wants to press charges.
1. I don’t golf unless my ball can be purple and there is a plastic giraffe or hippopotamus somewheresabout on the course, but from what I understand, peeing while golfing is kind of common for men to do. Because they drink while they golf and suddenly they find themselves a good twenty minute walk from the nearest place to pee that isn’t nature, and well, they pee on a tree. Or in a bush. As a woman, if you see a man on the golf course standing against the trees, what you want to do is NOT freak out, NOT call the cops, NOT press charges. What you want to do … is look away.
2. I once said to my son, when he was first being potty trained, and he headed to a row of trees in my parents’ backyard to relieve himself instead of running into the house, “Lucky you for being born a boy. The world is your toilet.”
3. Unless Ben whipped it out on the green while the woman was about to take a birdie putt and said, “Hey, look! Little Ben is waving at you!” this is a major non-story. This is not on par with what Matt Spaeth did, which was drunkenly pee on the sidewalk while surrounded by a dozen eating establishments that contained restrooms.
4. If Benny is smart, the next time he is golfing, perhaps $50,000 poorer if he needs to shut this woman up, and he suddenly needs to pee, he should just wet himself. Soak himself completely through and walk into the clubhouse for brunch.
That’ll learn ’em.
Update: The woman claims it was Ben; the police said it was his friend. The matter is resolved. She will not press charges. Mike Florio is a giant doofus. Men pee on golf courses. The end.