Oh, hell. Updated.

Does anyone know where I can find Mike Florio because clearly he is requesting a kick in the junk, and I’d like to be the one to give it to him for broadcasting this complete non-story on NBC Sports’ Pro Football Talk:

As the rumor goes (and it’s spreading quickly), Roethlisberger was golfing in Columbus, Ohio, and he urinated on the course.  Though it’s not an uncommon event (I guess I can admit to it now since I haven’t golfed in at least 14 years, which likely exceeds all applicable statutes of limitation), the complicating factor in this case arose from the fact (supposedly) that a woman witnessed the incident, that she complained about it, and that she now wants to press charges.

Thoughts:

1. I don’t golf unless my ball can be purple and there is a plastic giraffe or hippopotamus somewheresabout on the course, but from what I understand, peeing while golfing is kind of common for men to do. Because they drink while they golf and suddenly they find themselves a good twenty minute walk from the nearest place to pee that isn’t nature, and well, they pee on a tree. Or in a bush.  As a woman, if you see a man on the golf course standing against the trees, what you want to do is NOT freak out, NOT call the cops, NOT press charges. What you want to do … is look away.

2. I once said to my son, when he was first being potty trained, and he headed to a row of trees in my parents’ backyard to relieve himself instead of running into the house, “Lucky you for being born a boy. The world is your toilet.”

3. Unless Ben whipped it out on the green while the woman was about to take a birdie putt and said, “Hey, look! Little Ben is waving at you!” this is a major non-story. This is not on par with what Matt Spaeth did, which was drunkenly pee on the sidewalk while surrounded by a dozen eating establishments that contained restrooms.

4. If Benny is smart, the next time he is golfing, perhaps $50,000 poorer if he needs to shut this woman up, and he suddenly needs to pee, he should just wet himself. Soak himself completely through and walk into the clubhouse for brunch.

That’ll learn ’em.

Update: The woman claims it was Ben; the police said it was his friend. The matter is resolved. She will not press charges. Mike Florio is a giant doofus. Men pee on golf courses. The end.





45 Comments

  1. Cathy
    July 13, 2010 2:34 pm

    But wouldn’t it be weird if he gets charged and convicted for this after all the other crap he has gotten off on….



  2. PittinDC
    July 13, 2010 2:40 pm

    I was the beer cart girl at a country club.. this happens all the time. Anyone on a golf course that Ben would be playing on would be aware of that fact. But then again, when you have prior issues, I guess you open yourself up to stupid stuff like this!



  3. Jen
    July 13, 2010 2:52 pm

    The police have already determined there was no crime. TMZ is on the case, of course.

    http://www.tmz.com/2010/07/13/ben-roethlisberger-urine-pee-police-investigation-golf-trees/



  4. Chris
    July 13, 2010 2:58 pm

    Give me a break. The woman was probably a browns or bengals fan.



  5. Angry Mongo
    July 13, 2010 3:03 pm

    “All you deciduous’, take my shot!”

    Honestly, what man has not taking a 10-100 on the side of the course?

    hands?

    anyone?

    [headdesk]



  6. Pa-pop
    July 13, 2010 3:05 pm

    Actually, the woman complained that Ben’s grip on his putter was all wrong.



  7. Carbolic Smoke Ball
    July 13, 2010 3:07 pm

    Love your punch line about “soaking himself.”

    PittinDC is probably right: Ben’s got a bulls-eye on him now. But isn’t it wonderful that we are stranded in an era where everybody is offended by something? Everybody is someone’s victim? And isn’t it great that the offended people can even get their enlightened state legislators to draft laws to articulate their offense and redress their, um, victimization, no matter how inconsequential it was, no matter how inane or petty?

    The poor woman who witnessed this atrocity — heavens! A man peeing on the golf course! — is unquestionably traumatized for life and needs immediate and substantial compensation. And if she doesn’t get it, she’ll press charges, and Ben goes on the sex offender registry — FOR THIS, not the other things — for the rest of his life.

    Why, it’s almost as unjust as this: http://carbolicsmoke.com/2010/07/13/barefoot-bandit-challenges-prejudicial-lineup-where-eyewitnesses-identified-him/



  8. Chris
    July 13, 2010 3:11 pm

    Lame.



  9. Sooska
    July 13, 2010 3:24 pm

    good thing he didn’t try to use the ball washer post-potty.



  10. Me
    July 13, 2010 3:25 pm

    Ben just needs to wear Depends while golfing. So many people are just ridiculous.



  11. red pen mama
    July 13, 2010 3:29 pm

    We’ve all missed it: WAS HE WADDLING LIKE A PENGUIN? Busted!

    And to @Carbolic Smoke Ball’s point: press charges for what?



  12. Kathleen
    July 13, 2010 3:30 pm

    I saw mention of this earlier and that report said it was one of his foursome, but said it was NOT Ben that did it.

    http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/sports/steelers/s_690211.html



  13. Baba Wawa
    July 13, 2010 3:43 pm

    this has been one long offseason



  14. Kristen
    July 13, 2010 3:51 pm

    Check out the story on the Trib Live website. They report it as a “water hazard.”
    “Dublin police said today that the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback didn’t create the water hazard Friday behind a pine tree between the 17th and 18th holes of the course…”



  15. Kathy
    July 13, 2010 4:17 pm

    @angry mongo – you are awesome.



  16. Bram R
    July 13, 2010 4:18 pm

    Behind a pine tree. That’s being gratuitously polite. Pee on a pine tree and it just smells stronger of pine. NEXT!



  17. WI Pitt Fan
    July 13, 2010 4:19 pm

    He was on a golf course in Ohio? The woman must be Browns fan!



  18. bluzdude
    July 13, 2010 4:38 pm

    Unless Ben was waving his private parts at her Aunties, this is a non-story.

    But could you see if it ever went to trial? The “voir dir” for the jury would be unbelievable:

    “Have you ever played golf?”
    “Yes.”
    “Have you ever peed on the course”.
    “Of course. What are you supposed to do when you’ve been drinking since dawn and are 3 holes away from the nearest restroom?”
    “You are dismissed.”

    Heck, even Judge Smales would have to let him off.



  19. Carpetbagger
    July 13, 2010 4:38 pm

    Ben is, and always has been, #1.



  20. Scott
    July 13, 2010 5:32 pm

    I golf regularly and cannot recall ever using a restroom on the course.



  21. CarolineFB
    July 13, 2010 7:01 pm

    Rain shelters are another common place for relief. I would rather risk lightning than hide out in a rain shelter on a golf course. Gross.

    If it was Ben, you press charges. If it was his friend, you don’t? Did I miss something?



  22. Butcher's Dog
    July 13, 2010 7:34 pm

    This is what it means to be a celebrity in our day and age. I, myself, personally, peed on a golf course this morning. No charges have been pressed. Probably no one saw me. And I can’t incriminate myself, right? So, Ms. Browns-fan-lady….hahahahahahahaha! Have some of that!

    PS..I’ve peed in the woods while hunting, too. But that brings in a different demographic.



  23. gunnlino
    July 13, 2010 7:38 pm

    The man is a lighting rod for bad behavior, is there ever any hope that he’ll clean up his act ? Has he anyone that can whisper his ear ” Knock it off asshole ” !



  24. MM
    July 13, 2010 7:56 pm

    @ gunnlino: What is your suggestion? Throw himself in front of his friend to stop him from peeing on the golf course? Geez…



  25. BeauJacques
    July 13, 2010 8:12 pm

    Just one more reason women should not be on or near golf courses!!



  26. BeauJacques
    July 13, 2010 8:32 pm

    PS- This stupid whore will be very upset if she ever leaves her zip code and goes to Europe.



  27. Chris
    July 13, 2010 8:43 pm

    Yea, right BJ. Tell that to Paula Creamer who would whip your ass up and down the fairways of Oakmont.



  28. KGC
    July 13, 2010 8:46 pm

    From what I’ve heard, it’s ‘not that big a deal’. \rimshot

    Thank you. I’ll be here all week.



  29. KGC
    July 13, 2010 8:48 pm

    Wasn’t the GA thing not pursued because of ‘lack of evidence’?



  30. NW PA Joe
    July 13, 2010 9:38 pm

    For you fans of Porky’s

    Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this. We, uh, call the police, and we have ’em send over one of their sketch artists. And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up “Wanted” posters all over school… “Have you seen this prick? Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous. It was last seen hanging out in the girls’ locker room at Angel Beach High School.”



  31. facie
    July 13, 2010 9:46 pm

    Since the Pens season ended, I have not listened to sports radio. And to think I would have had some amusement today had I done so.



  32. BeauJacques
    July 13, 2010 11:12 pm

    @Chris-

    Not if she was home cooking, cleaning, and preparing martinis
    as she should be.

    Carin Koch is more my style but you won’t see either of them playing at Augusta National, thankfully.



  33. PittCheMBA
    July 14, 2010 12:15 am

    I read a story that someone in the golf foursome urinated on the private property of a women whose property is adjacent to the golf course. Even if it was not Ben, maybe he should get some friends who have better bladder control.



  34. Mikey B
    July 14, 2010 8:31 am

    Let me get this straight:
    Ben = press charges
    Any one else = Don’t press charges
    WTF



  35. No Princesses Here
    July 14, 2010 9:32 am

    Angry Mongo’s comment actually made me LOL. Win.

    While I am no longer Ben’s biggest fan, this is just ridiculous. My husband is a golfer, and from what I understand that’s generally the way it goes out on the golf course. Guys drink beer while playing golf. Guys pee in the woods while playing golf. Soooo not a big deal.



  36. bucdaddy
    July 14, 2010 10:07 am

    @unsatisfied,

    It took me a second to recall where that’s from, then I laughed.



  37. houndogg
    July 14, 2010 10:57 am

    i’ve pissed out my back door because i really had to go, was in the middle of doing dishes, and didn’t want to run all the way upstairs. it was night time though (single, by the way. bahahahaha)!!!



  38. Matt
    July 14, 2010 12:47 pm

    As a caddy during my ill-spent youth, I also assumed this activity was the exclusive domain of men. Until I was forced to search for a wayward drive in a heavily wooded culvert, and ran into an embarrassed lady golfer staking squatter’s rights in the shrubs. Beer can be rented by either gender.



  39. unsatisfied
    July 14, 2010 1:01 pm

    @ bucdaddy — glad to be of service. ;-)

    in the mid-90’s, I was at a concert at star lake. during the pre-game warmups in the parking lot, my buddy and I headed off for the woods to hit the can. on the way, we encountered a nice looking blonde girl in her early 20s or so. before we could walk up and hit on her, she promptly squatted to pee.

    only, she didn’t pee — she shat.

    for some reason, that killed it for us……



  40. Laura
    July 14, 2010 3:59 pm

    This is hysterical because I golf and I am (obviously) a woman and I really had to pee during a round last month…and the nearest bathroom was three holes up. It was a heat index of 110 so I really drank a lot of Gatorade. I had to forfeit my hole and drive up three holes because there was nowhere for me to squat. Girls, any ideas? (This was in Hilton Head at a really nice course…$5 million houses on one side, highway on the other…)



  41. bucdaddy
    July 14, 2010 4:53 pm

    Um, I’m not a girl, but: Always keep an empty GatorAde bottle handy? The bottle mouth is extra wide, IIRC.



  42. Laura
    July 14, 2010 8:07 pm

    Yes, but there is the matter of having to pull the pants DOWN that men don’t have. Golf skirts have shorts in them?



  43. MM
    July 14, 2010 10:54 pm

    This is all too funny-so happy that football season is right around the corner, next thing you know hockey camp will be opening up:)



  44. anon
    July 16, 2010 8:56 pm

    During the football season, I know there are people who complain that Ben holds it too long. Are you happy now?