You know, I joke about animals as transportation, but I wouldn’t hate it if we went back to horseriding for our short trips.
Imagine a line of horses making their way across the Robert Clemente Bridge.
Imagine riding your horse to your local coffee shop and tethering it to a post before moseying in for a cup of joe.
I’d love it, Pa!
But then I think about all the horse poop and I change my mind.
Either way, the Port Authority has started their annual FREAK ALL THE COMMUTERS OUT AND BLAME IT ON THE STATE UNTIL WE GET OUR WAY shenanigans. Some highlights.
- It will now cost you more money to ride transit. A quarter of a dollar more for short trips, a hell of a lot more for rail and suburban trips. If you live in a suburb and you take the bus downtown, you’ll be looking at 8 dollars a day. EIGHT DOLLARS. A DAY. EIGHT. DOLLARS! I can hop a Westmoreland Transit bus to Market Square for five dollars a day.
- Fifty neighborhoods currently being serviced by public transportation will no longer be serviced, including East McKeesport, North Versailles, and South Park.
- Services to Robinson and Edgewood Town Centers would be gone as would some weekend rail service.
- Sixty additional neighborhoods would see a big drop in service.
- Panic would set in.
- Martial law would be established.
- A zombie uprising out of Monroeville Mall would be inevitable.
- The zombies would seek out the six-figure earning bus drivers first, figuring that people who have figured out a way to earn a hundred thousand dollars by driving a bus must have some seriously big, juicy brains.
- I would join Milla Jovovich in quashing the uprising while saying things like, “Looks like you’re low on brain power [pew pew].”
- Steve Bland would sail away in his gold plated yacht filled with the barrels of coins the Port Authority never got around to counting.
I may have made some of those up.
But seriously. We’re all going to die.
“We have no choice but to do what we’re doing,” he said. “We have no other options.”