My eyeballs read these paragraphs on the Trib’s site and immediately turned around in my head all, “Are you seeing this? I mean, we’re seeing this, but, brain, are you comprehending this?!”
This is what made my eyeballs lose their figurative shit this morning:
Carla Ferrell of Clarksburg, W.Va., was visiting a friend who is a patient at Allegheny General Hospital in the North Side. Like Copley and Black, Ferrell sat in traffic on the detour route for about an hour.
“It’s unbelievable. Drivers here are very rude, too. Very rude,” said Ferrell, who added that during the detour, she brandished a pistol at other drivers who attempted to cut in front of her.
From 44,000 to 55,000 vehicles a day use the tunnel on weekends.
What the WHAT?
And no, I didn’t cut a paragraph out. The Trib actually went from informing us some woman from West Virginia was brandishing a gun at people who “attempted to cut in front of her,” to, “From 44,000 to 55,000 vehicles …”
Where’s the paragraph that explains that it was a fake gun, maybe? Or that brandishing a pistol just because you don’t want anyone entering traffic in front of your car is absolutely bonkers? And that the police were called?
Lady. Carla Ferrell from West Vir-freaking-ginia (my nickname, by the way. “VIR-FREAKING-GINIA!”). I got some things to say to you.
1. I don’t know the traffic rules and laws in West Vir-freaking-ginia where people might keep gun racks in their cars, but here in Pennsylvania, what you did was wrong.
2. Learn to merge without getting pissy about it and if someone did try to get in front of your car and you felt they were in the wrong about it, do what I do … say, “Serenity now.” Wave them in, hope they feel guilty (they probably don’t), and rest assured the kindness will eventually return to you riding on the back of a Karma Boomerang all, “Yeeeeee-haw!” I don’t know what kind of karma you’re going to get for what you did, but I don’t want to be near you when it finds and smokes your ass.
3. I would suggest that responding to “rude” drivers by showing them a pistol, trumps their rudeness. It trumps it so hard it erases it, because they may be rude, but you are a dangerous batshit crazy lunatic loco nutjob. Yes, the redundancy was necessary. And yes, it might be rude of me to call you those names, but once again, your pistol-waving nuttiness trumps my rudeness. Bravo.
4. Go home and don’t ever come back here again. I drive these roads with my kids and one time David Conrad (holla!), and the last thing I need in this life is to have me or one of my family members or friends be the victim of your errant gunfire when your gun accidentally goes off or when you get just pissed enough to do something about it. Seriously. I mean this.
I hope your friend gets well, but as for you, Carla Ferrell, you’re not welcome anymore.