Vacation?

Vacation?

I know not of this “vacation” of which you speak.

I’m TRYING to get ready for vacation. I’m TRYING to pack and do all the adult crap that an adult has to do when taking a vacation.

Remember when you were a kid and going on vacation meant waking up and getting in a car and then spending ten hours saying, “SHE’S TOUCHING ME,” and that was it?

As an adult with children, vacation preparations are stop the mail, stop the paper, do the 36 dozen loads of laundry, get pet care, buy countless dozens of loads of important necessary crap like sunscreen and K-cups, finish your column that was due ten days ago, try on bathing suit, weep, look at your children who did this to you, weep some more, burn bathing suit, lament that you don’t own a bathing suit anymore, consider swimming in a burqa, google “buy burqa in Pittsburgh,” come up empty, eat a swiss roll or four in mourning. LOTS OF IMPORTANT RESPONSIBLE ADULT THINGS I NEED TO DO!

And it would be really great if I could do all of those things without BRIAN FREAKING O’NEILL WRITING DISTURBING SHIT LIKE THIS:

Mrs. Schultz is 77 and a widow for 11 years. She moved to the city from Butler last fall, and she doesn’t want anyone to think pigeons are the sole focus of her life. She’d be busing out to Oakland for lunch and a visit with friends after she left me and the birds.

But she enjoys the pigeons and sparrows, and so buys big economy-sized bags of seeds and puts herself among them. They remind her of when she was a little girl in inner-city Boston and her mother would take her to the park for fresh air. Always, birds brought joy.

“For me and my mother, that was heaven.”

So now my email box is all BLLLLLLLLLLLLLL because Brian O’Neill is writing about pigeons but instead of writing words like “evil” and “diseased” and “the vile scourge of Beelzebub,” he’s using words like “widow” and “joy” and “peace” and “heaven.”

Trying to earn the sympathy vote for the pigeons’ side of our war!

She found a young ally on the Liberty Avenue sidewalk, too. Shawn Jefferson, 24, of Wilkinsburg, was selling $5 metal water bottles and $10 disposable cameras, and Mrs. Schultz bought one of each. Mr. Jefferson took her phone number and promised he’d help feed the birds.

“I have to get a team of young people for the winter,” she said.

OMG. She is blatantly building an army of cold-weather resistant able-bodied warriors!

She thinks the sour economy and the general difficulty of life have as much to do with people’s reactions as anything.

“That’s what the people are angry about. Not the pigeons.

“I think children need something that flies in the city.”

Yeah, I kick pigeons because the economy is bad. No, I kick pigeons because they are evil knowing bastards who need to know that I am the alpha male. Or something. Roar.

Ridiculous.

Know what else is ridiculous? This, which was sent to me by reader Rebecca:

I am going to find this sign and underneath it post my own sign that says:

FOUND


CHEWED UP GUM

Underneath park bench in Chinkaberry Park

Possibly Orbit Fabulous Fruitini or Trident Passionberry Twist

For more info, please call 412-255-2626

Okay, back to vacation prep. Do you think I could pull this look off?

Sexay.






19 Comments

  1. Lisa
    August 10, 2010 12:36 pm

    I havent checked thats church because I thought you were away, now I need a fix!



  2. Cassie
    August 10, 2010 12:40 pm

    You just couldn’t stay away, could you?

    I know how you feel about the whole bathing suit thing. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t been on vacation in a few years. I was hoping this go-around, I could sport a big ‘ol preggo belly in a bikini and perhaps get away with it, but, alas, I’m due in February.

    Do you think I could make local news? Extremely large pregnant woman wearing a bikini struts down Liberty Ave in -20 degree weather.

    Anyone? Dang.



  3. bluzdude
    August 10, 2010 1:15 pm

    You know that if you don’t write to us every so often, all the words will back up in your head until they start escaping in inappropriate ways.

    So I expect there may be another post or two on the horizon…



  4. WI Pitt Fan
    August 10, 2010 1:47 pm

    You have a little problem. Step one- admit to the problem- “Hi, my name is Ginny and I am a blog addict.”
    “Hi, Ginny!” (echoes)



  5. SpudMom
    August 10, 2010 5:33 pm

    Excuse me, but I met you just a few weeks ago and I would murder 1,000 pigeons in front of Mrs. Schultz to have a body like yours. I really do weep when I contemplate taking my children to the pool because Sea World is going to come and take me away, thinking that Shamu somehow escaped.

    On an unrelated note – did you hear about the JetBlue flight attendant that cussed out a passenger (for being rude to start with) and then quit his job by exiting the plane via the inflatable ramp? yeah, that flight originated in Pittsburgh. I nominated the doody head that started it all as the next Annoying Burgher.



  6. Butcher's Dog
    August 10, 2010 6:09 pm

    Ginny, I think you’d rock the fifth from the left in that photo. Or fourth from the left. In either case, since I probably won’t be available where you are for a personal, you know, first-hand viewing, please post several photos on the “back from vacation” posting.

    Also, just sayin’ now, but while at the beach be careful of the seagulls. They’re the knowing bastards of sand-in-your-toes land, kissing cousins of the pigeons. Whatever you do, DO NOT let your children go to the shore with bags of popcorn and throw said popcorn into the air. Doing so attracts gulls in record numbers, and the ones who don’t get popcorn shit all over anyone and everyone in the area.

    Again, just sayin’. As a retired teacher I’ve spent enough time on the shore to know whereof I speak.

    Sleep well, eat better, and come back rested and refreshed.



  7. Sooska
    August 10, 2010 6:46 pm

    I saw Brian O’Neill’s column and thought “I bet Ginny broke her blog break to write about this pigeon feeder who is feeding these vermin disease vectors.”

    yep.sea gulls are nothing but evil sea pigeons.

    imagine wearing those bathing things…the bows and hats are priceless.



  8. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    August 10, 2010 11:05 pm

    My grandmother and I were on our way to dinner last night. All of a sudden a bird “thwacked” into my front driver’s side grill/bumper and feathers went flying. I said “Oh my gosh, I just hit a bird.” My grandmother said “Don’t worry, it was just a pigeon. You get ten points for that!” I laughed the entire rest of the way to the restaurant.



  9. Beatrice
    August 11, 2010 9:01 am

    Going through the pre-vacation bathing suit drama myself this week. I was relieved to find a sarong I impulsively bought years ago. It covers up all the bad stuff in a flattering way and it’s made of cotton so it’s very comfortable to wear even in the sun.



  10. Pa-pop
    August 11, 2010 10:28 am

    Um, my vote is go with the stripes. And matching hat. It might make you look thinner. Or like Miss Mississippi Chain Gang 1921.



  11. REARless
    August 11, 2010 10:36 am

    I don’t know, second from the right looks kinda hot.



  12. red pen mama
    August 11, 2010 11:32 am

    As to bathing suits, I am sporting a tankini from three years ago because I have a pregnant belly to flaunt. So, no worries.

    As to sea gulls: you’ve already been warned. I hate those eff’ers.

    As to vacations in general: going on and coming home from vacations can be so stressful, it’s almost — almost, mind you — not worth going. I’m still working on my pre and post vacation zen. If I discover the secret, I’m writing a book.

    enjoy, when you finally get around to it.



  13. Shari
    August 11, 2010 12:24 pm

    Completely understand the swim suite thing. Taking my first beach vacation in 6 years. I ended up going to every local store and buying any top or bottom that fit and took them all home and pieced together 2 suites. Kohls top and Wal-Mart bottom works for me…



  14. bucdaddy
    August 12, 2010 8:45 am

    Yes, yes, yes, yes, maybe, yes, yes, yes, no effing way.



  15. spoon
    August 12, 2010 10:04 am

    MTV’s Spring Break in the early 90’s had the best bikinis. Big hair and very small suits. oh and high heels!



  16. Pa-pop
    August 12, 2010 11:40 am

    Get on the road to your family’s well-deserved vacation and don’t worry about anything. The Andi & Ivan Hair Pull and Slugfest thread from six posts ago will still be fully engaged when you get back.



  17. bucdaddy
    August 16, 2010 9:15 am

    Do you think I could pull this look off?

    You’d have to be MUCH curvier.



  18. Betoon
    August 17, 2010 12:10 pm

    Are those knee socks and boots they’re wearing with the swim suits? Maybe the boots are to kick sea gulls – dunno, but that look is highly transferrable to Market Square a.k.a. Pigeon H.Q. I know I’ve seen people wearing those outfits in town. No one would even notice.



  19. Tinyski
    August 17, 2010 7:46 pm

    Spain has a pigeon problem, and some cities are recruiting private pigeon catchers to trap the rats-with-wings

    Read More http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2010/08/spain-war-on-pigeons/#ixzz0wuTldcXz