I know not of this “vacation” of which you speak.
I’m TRYING to get ready for vacation. I’m TRYING to pack and do all the adult crap that an adult has to do when taking a vacation.
Remember when you were a kid and going on vacation meant waking up and getting in a car and then spending ten hours saying, “SHE’S TOUCHING ME,” and that was it?
As an adult with children, vacation preparations are stop the mail, stop the paper, do the 36 dozen loads of laundry, get pet care, buy countless dozens of loads of important necessary crap like sunscreen and K-cups, finish your column that was due ten days ago, try on bathing suit, weep, look at your children who did this to you, weep some more, burn bathing suit, lament that you don’t own a bathing suit anymore, consider swimming in a burqa, google “buy burqa in Pittsburgh,” come up empty, eat a swiss roll or four in mourning. LOTS OF IMPORTANT RESPONSIBLE ADULT THINGS I NEED TO DO!
And it would be really great if I could do all of those things without BRIAN FREAKING O’NEILL WRITING DISTURBING SHIT LIKE THIS:
Mrs. Schultz is 77 and a widow for 11 years. She moved to the city from Butler last fall, and she doesn’t want anyone to think pigeons are the sole focus of her life. She’d be busing out to Oakland for lunch and a visit with friends after she left me and the birds.
But she enjoys the pigeons and sparrows, and so buys big economy-sized bags of seeds and puts herself among them. They remind her of when she was a little girl in inner-city Boston and her mother would take her to the park for fresh air. Always, birds brought joy.
“For me and my mother, that was heaven.”
So now my email box is all BLLLLLLLLLLLLLL because Brian O’Neill is writing about pigeons but instead of writing words like “evil” and “diseased” and “the vile scourge of Beelzebub,” he’s using words like “widow” and “joy” and “peace” and “heaven.”
Trying to earn the sympathy vote for the pigeons’ side of our war!
She found a young ally on the Liberty Avenue sidewalk, too. Shawn Jefferson, 24, of Wilkinsburg, was selling $5 metal water bottles and $10 disposable cameras, and Mrs. Schultz bought one of each. Mr. Jefferson took her phone number and promised he’d help feed the birds.
“I have to get a team of young people for the winter,” she said.
OMG. She is blatantly building an army of cold-weather resistant able-bodied warriors!
She thinks the sour economy and the general difficulty of life have as much to do with people’s reactions as anything.
“That’s what the people are angry about. Not the pigeons.
“I think children need something that flies in the city.”
Yeah, I kick pigeons because the economy is bad. No, I kick pigeons because they are evil knowing bastards who need to know that I am the alpha male. Or something. Roar.
Know what else is ridiculous? This, which was sent to me by reader Rebecca:
I am going to find this sign and underneath it post my own sign that says:
CHEWED UP GUM
Underneath park bench in Chinkaberry Park
Possibly Orbit Fabulous Fruitini or Trident Passionberry Twist
For more info, please call 412-255-2626
Okay, back to vacation prep. Do you think I could pull this look off?